The Page Turner

[Destiny]

(Takes a gulp) Man, I always respected the people who posted their writing on here. It takes a lot of guts to do this....

I'm attaching an adobe chapter of my original story which is, as you may have guessed, called The Page Turner.

genre: Fantasy, young adult.
Rating: I would think PG...just to be safe. (To be honest nothing really comes to mind that would PG...but I always was a zealot about ratings.)

Blurb:

In a secret society where books can randomly burst into flames, where stone decorations can talk, and where a library isn’t just a library, lives Raven Wishmore, a not so normal fourteen year old girl. Raven has always wanted the quiet life, instead she had a father who was a world famous Spymaster, and who also happened to be on the ‘wanted’ list of all magic abusers around the world. Raven’s life is shattered when her family is attacked and she’s uprooted from her hometown and forced to move to Bakertown City where she aliases as Rai McCellen, a freshman BOY!

While juggling her wild magic, the ability to read things to life, and while keeping her identity a secret, Raven must befriend her fellow workers at the mythical Saint Cloud library, and discover the hidden secrets of the infamous Drops of Pretense. Sadly all of her co-workers and would be friends are boys by the name of Daire, Jeremiah, Royce, Brannon, Asher, Aron, and William. And none of them (with the exception of Jeremiah) are stupid. Will Raven be able to keep her secret and protect the library at the same time?

Be sure to tell me what you think! (Quivers and runs off to her corner.) Please be honest. (Be deadly if you must! I can take it!)

[Esoteric]

30 pages? wow. I only had time to read/skim about half right now. Not bad, not bad at all. It's obvious you've been writing for a while. You have a very broad vocabulary when it comes to description, and your dialogue is pretty nicely constructed as well.
The only comment I can make (having read so little) is that you, like me, have a tendency to write long, descriptive sentences. While they can be very useful, they can also be very cumbersome to read. This is especially true if the structure of the sentence itself is complex. Try to add more variety in sentence lenght...long, short, long, etc... Use it to your advantage in pacing action sequences, or dull moments. Plus, make sure your long sentences are easy to read. (A good way to test this is to make someone read an excerpt out loud. If they falter while reading, you know you've found a confusing sentence.) If you have to cut out a few descriptive words here or there to make things flow better, then do it. I've received this criticism before so that's why I'm mindful of it.
But I must say, I'm very impressed with your writing level and you should be proud to have written so much! I've hardly written anything in ages and I'm too chicken to post, so way to go, Destiny!

[Destiny]

Thank you for the compliments! I do agree with you, I have a tendency to be wordy. I think I got better as I went along though. The Page Turner is actually finished. =) I'm simply going through and editing now...although that's a lot harder then it sounds. Anyway I think it was about two hundered pages long, single spaced.
I'm really glad that you liked it, and thanks for the encouragement!

[Photosoph]

I agree with Esoteric's statement about using the length of sentences for effect, etc. I, on the other hand, can't really point out anything that needs improvement. ^_^" I didn't really notice anything in particular.
I really enjoyed the thirty pages; great writing, and interesting concepts and characters.
200 pages? o_O Wow. Great work writing all that! ^^

[Peregrine]

I can't give you feedback as a writer, but as a reader, I think it's great! I like the story, and I can really identify with the main character. I was totally hooked as soon as she entered the Saint Cloud Library. The first couple pages are confusing, though. I couldn't understand who the bad guys actually were. Otherwise, I really like it!