The Boy's Day (A Short Story)

[spiritusvult]

Well, I could say a lot about it, but I want to hear what you guys think. Please let me know.

The boy opened his eyes, and the sun was shining in on his room. Tiny pieces of dust were showing where the light had come in through his window. It was the sun that woke him up because it brought with it the light. It told him that they day had already started. He did not feel late, but he knew he had better catch up.

He hopped out of bed, put on his shorts and raced down stairs. Without giving any thought, he opened the cabinet where he knew his favorite breakfast cereal was, and set the box on top of the table in front of the T.V. He then returned to the kitchen to get the milk and a bowl and a spoon.

As the images reflected off of his eyes, he ate his cereal, tasting the crunchy sweetness, with just the right amount of milk. He spent four shows this way. It would be several hours before his parents awoke and he tried to be quiet.

Once, a few years ago, he had called his best friend too early in the morning and the parents told him that he should not call before nine in the morning. He felt bad about that because the parents sounded like he had woken them up.

When his shows were over, he turned on his video-game machine and tried to get the bad guy who had captured the princess. He had beaten the game many times, but never tired of playing it.

Once he timed himself and it only took him forty-five minutes to do it, if he did not do all of the levels. He knew ways to get past levels without having to go through all of the trouble of beating them. This morning he decided that he would beat the game the long way because he had a lot of extra time and he didn’t like being bored.

When he didn’t have anything to do it made the minutes last longer, and then it would be longer until his friend was able to play with him; so he played the game the long way.

Soon enough his younger brother woke up and wanted to play too. He
looked at his younger brother and thought about how little he was. He pressed reset and then set the game for two players. It was only seven-thirty so it didn’t matter that much.

“I want to be the red guy,â€

[Lochaber Axe]

I don't mean to be rude, but I found it boring for my taste. What conflict there is, is trivial. This is just another average day for this kid, and how is that entertaining?

Every movie and book that talks about a kid's life focuses on aspects that changed that kid's life. May be humorous, or dramatic, characters come to life by how they handle these unusual circumstances. People have their own lives to journey through without reading someone else's, for that means we want snapshots, not a journal.

[true_noir_chloe]

I'm curious as to what kind of books you read, spiritsvult.

By the way, hi and welcome to CAA! ^___^ I know you're great friends with Old Phil and EireWolf. Eire is one my dearest friends here at CAA. She's one of the few who actually read what I write. *heh*

Anyway, I'd have to agree with Loch on some points. It reads more like a journal entry than a short story. There was no conflict whatsoever; which, isn't necessarily needed because the conflict could just be in the tone and pace of a story. It's not like he has to suddenly fight some bad guys or something. *hehe*

It would be great if you could change up the sentence structure a bit. Hmmm, not sure how to explain that in any detail right now. Of course, you may just think I'm a blow hard, so if you would really like to hear how to liven up your writing and make the reader... read on... then please let me know. I think I would also consider reading up on writing in the active and passive voice and sentence structure and scene building. If you search through the bookstores and libraries for some books on that it would probably help you out a bit.

You obviously know how to write - now you have to write so others would like to read what you write. ~_^

[spiritusvult]

Well, mostly I read stuff like Hemmingway and Steinbeck, at least they are my favorites. I also hang out in the sci-fi/fantasy genre. Yeah, I would always like to improve what I do. Fire away. (BTW, I don't think you're a "blow-hard," due entirely to Eirewolf's recomendation. I trust her, so now I trust you.)

[Mithrandir]

This reminds me a great deal of another story, but I can't for the life of me remember what it is. I'm pretty sure it was forced reading from High School, so it was probably by someone famous.

Take that either as a compliment or a complaint.

See ya at 6:00.