Grey Hawk the Great

[LadyKokoro]

[font=Tahoma] Chapter 1: Heart Break

“An evil man is bent only on rebellion; a merciless official will be sent against him.â€

[Esoteric]

Hmm, an interesting start. A very clear concise writing style, I like it. *waits for more*

[LadyKokoro]

He obeyed her but with an exception; he refused to kill the children. Those, he sent to the shrines as orphans. The young commander was sick with what he and his force did and he did his very best to hide his deception from Nariz. It was to no avail, however and she did discover his disobedience. Fortunately for the children, the shrines did not have to answer to the Council and they hid them away well. Many would later become shrine keepers as well and others would find a new identity and new life.



[font=Tahoma]When she cast him into the dungeon he was not tormented by Sharp Sword but was greeted warmly. You see, Sharp Sword loved justice and hated to punish an innocent man. She could make him keep him there but could not force him to do any more than that. As Sharp Sword explained to the young guard, “Nobody on the Council holds my leash. I will only obey the royal family. Unfortunately, since I myself am not free, I must remain here until summoned by a member of the royal line.â€

[LadyKokoro]

The two little ones were on their morning walk with their bodyguards when the elite of the Grec arrived to take one of them away. The bodyguards challenged their request and were answered with an explanation.



[font=Tahoma]“Your king’s kin in Grec territory have been slaughtered. We need to restart the royal line and give our people hope. Please, allow us to take them peacefully so that we do not have to shed the blood of an ally. Your king will understand.â€

[LadyKokoro]

The elite delivered the boy, unharmed but scared. They tried their best to comfort him on their way, but his Grec was not so good. Nariz smiled to him gently and spoke in Floris.



[font=Tahoma]“Your highness,â€

[starwarsboy90]

good story, Lady Kokoro

[LadyKokoro]

Thanks! ^_^

[Esoteric]

Good, but it moves a little too fast. In the first part, you introduced use to a scene, a tactile place that could be imagined from the brief description. I could see Nariz standing in the room, cloak flowing, as she surveryed the bodies. In these later portions, it's basically all dialogue and a synopsis. It's missing the richness of description and environment.

Also, the elite guard is composed of enormous, electricity producing creatures??? By the bodyguard's reaction, i'm assuming not everyone looks like this.. again, we're missing important background information and description. I like the story, but it in this form, it's a little more like a screenplay where descriptions are less important. Is that your intention?

[LadyKokoro]

Ah! Finally a sounding board that gives me an honest reflection! Thanks. I actually thought that it might be a bit flat. It helps if you check the website. I kind of relied on the same type of writing style as Sir Conan Arthur Doyal in that I relied on progressivly granting you more and more information. I also have pictures of them on my site: greyhawkthegreat.iwarp.com

The Floris are not really allies, but a subservient race to the Grec and resemble humans in an elfish sort of way. The Grec think it makes them sound better to call them allies. The potential war is a dangerous rebellion of the Floris. The Floris also by a quirk of the alternate universe's natural laws, they are capable of forming functional flowers.

The grec are taller by maybe a foot and are cat people (think Mufassa with an attitude) with huge wings. They are also a sub-nation to the FOFAF empire - whose members all have one thing in common besides resembling bipedal animals.

I'd say more, but I would rather direct you to my site and my friend's site: bookofwolves.iwarp.com

The story is a work in progress and I guess I was too busy with character developement to consider the pace. It was rather short. *gets to working*


In truth, I am considering doing a manga (American) and would love for it to become a movie or series (or both!)

[Esoteric]

Ah, okay. Yes it is easy for an author to neglect adding details when they've been planning and working on something for so long in their own mind. I know I've done it before. Just keep in mind as you write that the reader only knows about what you tell them, nothing more.