Legends of Tybonia

[CobaltAngel]

Well... here's my original story. I've got all kinds of maps and stuff drawn about it... I've been working on it since I was in 6st grade. ^_^ The first two chapters are really old, so sorry if they suck. ^^;;
Here goes...

[CobaltAngel]

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[Gypsy]

Oh, you're off to an awesome start! Sounds like it's going to be a really fun adventure. My only suggestion would be to flesh out the characters a teeny bit more before making something drastic, like being sent to Tybonia, happen to them. I like the original names very much. I'll be checking back to see what's happening!

[true_noir_chloe]

I can only agree with what Gypsy said about spending a bit more time on fleshing out the characters before shipping them off to their mystery world. She's covered that part.

But, I want to add, I think you're extremely creative and I like what you've started here. I look forward to reading it as it progresses.

[CobaltAngel]

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[CobaltAngel]

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[Taslin_Jewel]

So this is what you were doing this morning!
Well, I think its a terrific start!

[Lochaber Axe]

Remember to be more descriptive. A writer needs to describe everything so that the readers will see his or her world through their eyes.

Take this as a example of the pendent:

The color of the sapphire on the pendent was of the same as of water or the sky. Around the top of the stone was a intricate sculpture of a beast Kara had never seen in her dreams, and around the little creatures tail was the golden chain that seemed to be delicately interlinked with what seemed to be heartshaped pattern.

Kind of rough but you do get my meaning. Also be wary of runons while you describe, its very easy to do that. And be careful to not be too wordy as you do it. I also need to learn to connect my sentences better.

My fingers are getting tired.

[Gypsy]

*ahem*
Way to leave us off on a cliff hanger! I'm waiting for chapter 3, and say, do you have any character art for Legends of Tybonia yet? You have so many interesting characters, and I'd love to *see* them.

[true_noir_chloe]

You're moving along splendidly. I think you've really got the four main characters personalities down in your mind - that's good. Keep up the good work.

[Gypsy]

PAGING MISS COBALT. PAGING MISS COBALT.

Notice:

The gypsy has a goldfish in a blender and has threatened to turn it to puree if another story section is not posted soon. That is all.

Sorry, I could have asked nicely if you had any more of it to post.

But I didn't.

[CobaltAngel]

Ah! Animal abuse! O.O *starts rapidly typing next chapter*

[Lochaber Axe]

Ah... the best way to get a writer to finish something... hostage situation . Just don't do it to me .

[CobaltAngel]

I posted a concept picture of Kara on my art thread.

[Gypsy]

Alright then!

[CobaltAngel]

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[CobaltAngel]

hmmm... comments? Crits?

[Gypsy]

I'm sorry! I'm not sure how I missed your update!

Ok, first of all, great character development. These characters are obviously well thought out and developed in your mind. However, I think your story pace is moving a little too fast for the readers to follow. Also, while quotes are an excellent way to show character, it gets a little confusing if the majority of the story is someone talking in direct quotation. So, good development, just step it down a couple notches and describe more of the surroundings and such to the reader.

And there was one part that I think was missing a word.

[b]“Wow, Ponta’s a really person,â€

[Taslin_Jewel]

I think it's pretty good, so far. Keep it up!