CAA 2030...A Web Travesty

[USSRGirl]

Zarn wanted me to change it. But I agree with Kanerou...this could create an interesting Vader-like "UC...I am your wife!" UC: "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" type storyline. Lol.

[USSRGirl]

And now preeesenting......

THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF CAA 2030! A WEB TRAVESTY INDEED!

Chapter 5: Rise of the New Age Universalist Occult Bacteria Worshipping Minions of Dan Brown Who Eat Uncooked Eggs and Enjoy Really Long Stalling Titles.

A quiet street somewhere near the CAA headquarters in the year 2030...several seedy looking characters appear to loitering near a lampost. Thier bright, orange robes stand out like lightening against the smoke-black sky. The moonlight reflects eerily off their ritualisticly shaven heads. One of them begins to speak. As he steps into the revealing glow of the streetlight, his face is discovered to be none other than the one-time CAA patron...ZARN ISHTARE!

Zarn: Bwahahaha. Welcome my buddha brothers. I feel we are getting nearer to Nirvana everyday now.

The 3 Buddha Boys (preforming secret New Ager handshake): Hail Brother Zarn! The happy Buddha has been smiling upon us more and more these days.

1st Buddhist Monk (Hotei): Yes...but what is Buddha?

3rd Buddhist Monk (Yin): We are surrounded by mountains...

Zarn: Um...no...actually we're surrounded by tall buildings and a meat packing plant.

2nd Buddhist (Ummon): Buddha is a piece of dung drying on a stick.

(All three others gasp in dismay and the shock of enlightenment.)

Hotei: ....

Zarn: ....

Yin: ...

Ummon: ...WHAT?!

Zarn and the two other Buddha brothers proceed to beat Ummon over the head with big sticks.

Ummon: Ouchie. But alas...it does not matter...I have attained utter detachment from worldly things like pain, suffering, and high cholesterol.

Zarn: Um...that was really irrelevant...NOW! To the reason we are REALLY here! Hotei, do you have the box?

Hotei produces a small Jenova-like container from somewhere in his robes and hands it to Zarn. Zarns opens it slowly and peak inside. He slams it shut quickly as bacterium begins to escape.

Zarn: Perfect. With this...we shall infect CAA with the Taoist joy!!

Yin: Um...Taoist don't actually HAVE "joy" Zarn...joy is not a part of the zen.

Ummon: I THOUGHT WE WERE BUDDHISTS!

Yin: Shut up, Ummon. We're universalists. Now stop infecting the karma with your bad vibes, man.

Zarn (ignoring them): So...where did you find this super-powered bacterium of great and mighty destructive powers, Hotei?

Hotei: Under your bed.

Zarn: I knew I should have cleaned under there. No matter....

Zarn proceeds to chant a black magic spell over the box whilst standing on his head with a crystal dangling from his foot and pinto bean shoved up his nose.

Zarn: CAA will soon be ours!!!!!

-Insert evil cackling here-

Zarn: Quickly...let us be off my brothers!

The three exit into the shadows. Ummon runs reluctantly behind.

Ummon: WAIT! I have another one!! C'mon guys! THIS IS ENLIGHTENMENT!! The perfect square has no sides!!

A gong chimes as they disapear with the evil bacterium in tow. Conspiracy detective extraordinare Temulin walks out of the shadows.

Temulin (writing on small memo pad): Hmm...this'll beat my whole "bigfoot being the leader of our armed naval forces" conspiracy. I must follow them!

Jerry Mathers happens by and comments: Gee, Wally, I don't think playing with that evil bacterium was such a good idea after all.....

-End chapter

Disclaimer: All Buddhist proverbs quoted *ARE* really real proverbs and nots imply done out of inappropriate jest at Buddhist culture. In fact, I was forced to change the word "dung" from its original context. Anyone who doesn't believe me, look up Ummon Case 21 on google.

[uc pseudonym]

So was that a setup for future chapters or are we never going to hear about any of that again?

[USSRGirl]

UC, a step up...for future evils yet to come! BASED ON A TRUE STORY! Ahem...invented in Goof Off...

[MomoAdachi]

You can caricature me if If you want in this, USSRGirl. You can even have me become a Christian.

[USSRGirl]

YAY MOMO! Yet another player in my twisted conspiracy tale. Wanna be a bacterium cultist or a CAA loyalist?

[MomoAdachi]

A bacterium cultist, definately.

[USSRGirl]

CAA...2030...A WEB NIGHTMARE!! Caution: The following material should be read by those suffering from acute boredom ONLY. Has not been tested on persons with an innate allergy to stupidity, and should not be read by women who are pregnant as the child may be born with the incredibly disturbing hallucination that it is a moose. Children under age 12 may suffer head trauma and chronic germphobia from the following. Those with a recent history of heart related problems...BEWARE.

Chapter 6: I Can't Wait Till Zarn Gets Back And Sees What A Great Job His Incredibly Ebil Co-Authors Has Been Doing.

In the middle of an abandoned warehouse...next to that mysterious beef packing plant...I, Secret Freelance Communist Conspiracy Detective Extraordinare, Temulin, recorded the following shady conversation whilst hiding behind a box that reeked suspiciously of pork. WHY WOULD PORK BE AT A BEEF PACKING PLANT?!!! IT MAKES NO SENSE!!! Grrr...ah...but that's another story. For now...here is the unemblished, unfiltered, dead-on truth about Zarn Ishtare...and the BACTERIUM THAT ATE CAA!!!

Zarn: It is time...Tonight we shall unleash our legions of bacterium upon the CAA headquarters!! MAWHAHA!!! This will be our ultimate reign of chaos!!

Buddha Brothers: Sir Zarn, our allies have arrived.

Three shadowy mysterious figures enter from the back door and compass around Ishtare and the monks.

1st Figure: I, Peanut, will forever be your unfaltering lacky commander Ishtare! My ninja monkies will scale the walls of CAA headquarters and deposit the bacterium into Ashley's hardrive! I will not fail!! But in case I do...feel free to drop a refridgerator on my head, commander!

Zarn: Yeah, okay, fine. Who are you other two?

2nd Figure: I am Mitsuki! As a one time CAA member, I know all their secrets. HOWEVER...I abandoned CAA for my true love...KAGOME!!! I'm secretly a New Age Kagome worshipper. I have erected her divine likeness out of old socks and keep a shrine to her in my closet. I shall aid you in your quest to destroy CAA, who did NOT vote Kagome as anime princess of the year!!

Zarn: Um...ok.

Mitsuki (crosses self): Hail Kagome...holy Kagome...

3rd Figure (toting large bazooka): I am Momo! Non-Christian, Anti-Hentai, Peach Girl - with a gun! I am now a mercenary for hire...I'll overtake CAA with you...for a price.

Hotei: Detachment from wordly things is the greatest reward of all...

Momo (aims bazooka): Are you tryin' to rip em off?!!

Zarn: Eh......Enough said! Let us move out, and destroy CAA headquarters...TONIGHT THE DEEP MAGIC OF THE BACTERIUM SHALL BE APPEASED!!!!!!!!

Various evil cackling echoes as the scene fades to black...

[uc pseudonym]

Your disclaimer at the beginning was probably my favorite part. The moose line took me off guard.

[MomoAdachi]

LOL! I loved how you referenced my sig. I agree that disclaimer was hilarious. USSRGirl, you really have quite the imagination!

[Zarn Ishtare]

Zarn strides into a top secret Pacifican mental hospital, striding toward the secret cell of a certain veteran despot. On her cell stood a proud "V". However, on further inspection, one could "EVIL" on the cell in very broad letters. Zarn peers inside to hear Temmy screaming about the white hot worms in her head and bactieria buddists. An aide walked up suddenly with papers under his arm.


Aide: "She's been like this since she tried to gross out Kaligraphic."

Zarn: "I see....Triple her medication, and make sure she doesn't wake up the occupant in the next Cell...Scepthy is known to get hungry if he's woken up this early."


Zarn strides out into the real world, leaving the poor deluded Temulin to her mad fantasies....and pie!


OOC: On a kinder note, this has absolutely killed me. I saw your thread in goof off and died....no, really, they had bring me back via unholy ritual...after that, I saw this. Very good work, and thank you for proving the stereotype that all Communists are indeed criminally insane. But I mean that in the nicest way, you closet animist you.

[USSRGirl]

Chapter 7: Unholy Matrimony!

After being discovered and captured by the crazed bacterium cultists, I, Temulin, am writing from a cell somewhere...near a dumpster apparently because MAN does it reek in here! Oh...I think there's a dead body in the corner. ...BODY?! Eeek! Could this be the remains of poor Scepth? He too knew the secrets of the Bacteria/Buddha Code. Using his head as a desk for my laptop...I began to pen my latest article to whom it may concern. The things written here are true and actual unembelished events that took place....BEFORE DOOMS DAY!

It was dark...I had been drugged and made to forget all I saw...for awhile I would pretend to be a mindless mush head. Yes, that was it. Let them think thier devices are working! However, by using the forces of kame communism...I was able to resist all drugs and mind probes.

Temulin: ....Man...it sure does smell in here. Meh...food's lousy too. Hey...I think I hear someone coming(!)

Zarn enters from hallway flanked by the three devious monks: MAWHAHAHA!

Temulin: ...What?

Zarn: ...? Oh...nothing. I just have to do that every time I enter a room.

Temulin: Why...?

Zarn: I don't know...it's just...villainous.

Temulin: Ehm...okay!

Zarn: Ahem. To get to the point...I must also insert some classic villain sarcasm like: Enjoying your stay here? I hope it has been a pleasant one and not entirely damaging to you brain. MAWHAHAHAHA - cough. Ok.

Temulin: ....

Zarn: And the best part is...the drugs should have altered your mind to make you forget your beloved, heroic, and fully-hotter-than-me Reno! MAWHAHAHA!!! From here on you shall see me as Reno! Now you shall be my unwilling Buddhist bride!!!!

Temulin: UGH!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! ...Hey wait how can you be forcing someone to marry you?

Zarn: Cause...that's what sinister overlords do.

Temulin: No...I mean...you're a New Age MONK. You aren't allowed to get married.

Zarn: Oh. That does put a damper on my plans. BAH! Never fear! I shall have to write a new law into the Bacterium/Buddhist/Occult/New Age/Pastry cultist council! In time CAA will be mine!!!!!!!!!

Zarn exits cackling manically.

Temulin: *Sigh* Stuck in a dungeon...being forced to marry against my will...what's a USSR-girl to do? I guess I should wait for someone in a tacky suit of armor to rescue me.....................................................................DANG! Don't they have an express service or something?! Forget this!

Temulin chucks a hand grenade at the wall, blowing it to smitherines, walks out and escapes to go warn CAA of the plot forming behind their unsuspecting backs.

[rocklobster]

Hey, you can put me in the next chapter if you like. Maybe you could have me do some kind of Healer stuff.

[Zarn Ishtare]

You know, ever since Temulin took over my thread, I think I'm the only one reading it....hmmm


If Temulin is chaotic in the forest and no one is around to see it,

does anybody care?

[uc pseudonym]

The mimes care, I believe.

However, I am also reading it. For whatever that is worth.

[Zarn Ishtare]

But since mimes cannot talk, how will they tell the rest of us?


Your wisdom is always welcome here, UC-Sama.

[USSRGirl]

>.< Meh you is jealous because I got a bigger fan following than you Zarn. Rocklobster shall appear in the next volume as...a super-natural mystic healer? Em...okay! As soon as I get around to making it........................

[Zarn Ishtare]

*Zarn snickers as he watches from a secret room*

Zarn: "Aide...release scepth from his cage....tell him Lunch is ready...and we're eating russian. MUAHAHAHHA

Aide: "MUAAHAHAHA. Yes sir."


*time to die, apple pie*