Insanewitapen's Story (Still Untitled)

[insanewitapen]

I cant believe I posting this but....I feel like it. ._. *is embarresed*

It was in the middle of the day on the mountainside where a little town lived. A light cool breeze made the warm day feel perfect to the people that were going outside for lunch. A girl named Arys came through the local school’s back doors and headed for a picnic table. Her curly amber hair was pulled back into a ponytail with two extra strands hanging down next to her emerald green eyes. Without the braid her hair would come down to the waistline of her form hugging black jeans. She wore a dark blue hoody with an extra large pocket in the front. She was 5’4 in height and was considered by others half-petite. Sighing contently she threw her lunch bag down on the table and slumped down. Leaning her head back on the tree behind her she stared up into the leaves absent-mindedly. Next year I am not taking German. Slowly, caressed by the winds soft touch, her eyelids began to close. A couple yards away a pair of blue eyes noticed her.

Arys eyes shot open at a sound behind her. As she got up she could hear someone rushing through the brush. Before she could see who it was they were gone. What the heck? Suddenly she heard more footsteps behind her and spun around forcing herself against the tree. Standing there was a boy with jet-black hair that fell down in front of his face to his cheekbones. He wore a pitch-black short-sleeved shirt with an upside down cross and the word “Executeâ€

[insanewitapen]

More...

Snow covered the emerald green pine tops as it fell lightly to the earth. Everything was covered with a thick blanket of white lace. A soft yet chilling wind blew through the small town on the mountain. The golden lights of houses added a sparkle to the snow resting on the ground. As night’s darkness covered the sky stars pierced through it like swords. Arys’s emerald eyes sparkled as she stared up at them from the town with full interest. She looked up at the diamonds in the sky as she walked along the snow-covered sidewalk. She wore a dark red dress that went down to her ankles and over her shoulders hung a silky detailed, black shawl. A cut-crystal cross hung around Arys’s neck and rested just above her breast. Her amber hair was pulled up in to a loose bun and two curls came down next to her eyes. Simple black slipper-like shoes snuggled closely around her feet. Looking to her right Arys decided to make a quick detour and made a turn on a small path in to the woods. About ten minutes later she emerged from the other side and came to one of the many look out places on the mountain. It was about a thousand feet to flat solid ground from where it dropped. A solitary light pole illuminated the area and some distance down the mountain. She walked up to the railing and peered over into the snowy depths.

In the woods behind her two pairs of eyes stalked her intently. Lizak sneered pleasantly at the little girl’s helplessness. Suddenly the smallest of the three came running up to them but tripped causing Arys to perk up.

“Idiot!â€

[insanewitapen]

Quickly wrapping a towel around the needed places she walked over to her dress. After she dried her body she put on her underwear and blow-dried her hair. Sighing in content she slipped on the rest of her outfit. Brushing through her hair she pulled it back again with the scrunchy then searched for her shoes. When she found them by the door she slipped them on and stepped out of the bathroom.

Before she could even look around the butler had grabbed her wrist and was pulling her down the hallway once again. “Oh my how lovely you look,â€

[Kawaiikneko]

weeeeeeeeeeeee~ you posted!! *glomp* ^__^ I'll have to read it again now. *can't wait for Alexander* *can't wait for Kain*

There's still a few grammar things... either I didn't catch them before, you didn't fix them, or I was being very lazy when you showed me this... it seems like awhile ago. ^^; I want to read the original again, no matter how horrible you think it is. When (and you will) you come over this summer, you'll have to bring it.

[Photosoph]

The story seems cool so far; interesting and sort of surreal. ^_^ Nicely done!

[Kawaiikneko]

oh look at that linda, you got comments faster than me ^^ See you had nothing to worry about.

[insanewitapen]

[quote="Photosoph"]The story seems cool so far]

Thankyou ^-^

[insanewitapen]

As she looked up at him she was shocked at how pale he really was. His hair was short in the back but slowly grew longer as it reached the front of his face. His parted bangs hung down neatly in front his mesmerizing black eyes. The void look of them made a knot form in Arys’s stomach. He wore a black and slightly medieval looking suit along with many rings on his fingers. It was obvious from this that he was someone of high position.

“Not a problem.â€

[insanewitapen]

“My lady, this boy hardly needs your sympathy.â€

[insanewitapen]

“YOU *******!â€

[Kawaiikneko]

.... Forshnoth... *snicker* XD *glomps Alexander* YAY we love you even though-*linda preparing to kill me in the background* ... ehheeeeh... right nvrm.

[true_noir_chloe]

I just wanted to let you know I'm going to try and read this. It looks good so far, fun characters and dialogue seems to move quick. I'll comment on it once I get a chance to read all that you've placed here.

I just thought I'd let you know someone is reading your stuff. I know that has always made me happy. ^______^

[insanewitapen]

I just wanted to let you know I'm going to try and read this. It looks good so far, fun characters and dialogue seems to move quick. I'll comment on it once I get a chance to read all that you've placed here.

I just thought I'd let you know someone is reading your stuff. I know that has always made me happy. ^______^

;;_;; thankyou so much *hug* and the dailgue going fast is good right??

[true_noir_chloe]

Yes, fast dialogue is a good thing if it is appropriate for the scene. And, I'm sorry I didn't mention, but the fast dialogue was appropriate for the friends all meeting up with one another at the beginning.

[insanewitapen]

Yay \^o^/ thankyou again~

[true_noir_chloe]

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, INSANEWITAPEN!!!

:jump:

Onto your story:

Please, don't take anything I write too personally. I like your story, its interesting. If I didn't think you had potential I wouldn't even pay attention to your writing. I'd skim it and leave it at that and hope someone else comments. ^_____^ So, I do like your idea.

Now, the story idea was interesting. I'm a bit lost as to why Arys was thrown off the mountain in the first place, and why she was out in the middle of the night - a female alone, and why her friends let her do this. It's all a little confusing right now, but I'm sure this will all be cleared up later - at least, I certainly hope it will be cleared up soon. You can only pull the reader along for so many pages before they get frustrated.

I think if you gave us - the reader - a bit more to go on it might help us want to read on. Such as, in the scene in the park where the creatures are talking about legnas, perhaps you could have lengthened that scene and just given us a bit more information on what legnas is and what it had to do with the creatures in the park and why they were after your protagonist.

The new dimension she's in is a bit confusing and perhaps a little more description might help.

Your writing is good and it will get better and better the more you do it. I read through 13 pages of Word text and overall see that you need to just keep writing and reading and getting the feel for how to structure sentences so that your story flows well.

Overall, it was enjoyable and I was able to read it in one sitting. ^________^ If something isn't interesting and if the grammar and spelling is extremely "bad" then I have to constantly put it down and get back to it. But, with your writing that wasn't necessary, so that's a good thing.

Anyway, I can see you have a very active imagination and that's always good. What kind of books do you read?

[Kawaiikneko]

hi chloe ^^

As I've read linda's story much farther than what she's posted here, I think I can tell you she does indeed explain more what legnas are later in the story. This is barely scratching the surface of linda's MOST AWESOME STORY~ XD (Yes, can you tell I love it?)

Personally I think its better not to explain the legnas at the very beginning because it gives suspense and a slight mystery as to what the creatures are talking about. I also believe that in a small town such as where Ayrs lives, people don't give as much thought to walking home alone, especially if their house is close by and they do it every day after school. Plus, they're teenagers. Us teenagers don't often think of consequences XD

Linda has alot more written than just this, and at the moment she's working on revising it all... once again linda, I'll say that I WANT TO READ THE ORIGINAL AGAIN!! ;__; I miss reading about a certian evil you-know-who.

and now we wait for Linda's answers... ^^

[insanewitapen]

Reply to Chloe ^_^

I'm a bit lost as to why Arys was thrown off the mountain in the first place, and why she was out in the middle of the night ß You’ll slowly figure that out in the story…its one of the main plots ^-^

a female alone, and why her friends let her do this. ß She lives very close by, and its kinda Arys’s nature not to take offers cause she might cause the other people trouble. Its not overly accesive though but she is still like that, especially with her friends. But most of all its because she doesn’t even live a half mile away ^_^

I think if you gave us - the reader - a bit more to go on it might help us want to read on. Such as, in the scene in the park where the creatures are talking about legnas, perhaps you could have lengthened that scene and just given us a bit more information on what legnas is and what it had to do with the creatures in the park and why they were after your protagonist. ß it is also one of the main plots and the legnas will be explained not too much more into the story ^_^ Plus my editor kawaiikneko up there wont let me XD

The new dimension she's in is a bit confusing and perhaps a little more description might help. ß hmm well…it’s a town (kinda like Midgar in FF7 I just realized O_o; ) that is basically six LARGE circular plates on top of eachother, each getting slightly smaller to the top. (of course there are beams and stuff to support them) there are elevators, roads and stuff that connect each level too. I think I got that basically down in my description if that’s what you are talking about. Please tell me what confooses (XD) you ^_^

What kind of books do you read? ß I luv the fantasy and sci fi books but I mostly read the Christian ones cause the others can kinda be scary, I luv the spiritual warefare kinda books and books that stretch you mental emothions and sanity XD *coughThr3ebyTedDekkercough*
okay time to post more

Kawaiikneko: *hovering over shoulder* post..moree~..

Edit: ...okay maybe not now ._. dont feel like it

[true_noir_chloe]

Sorry if I offended you or your editor, Kneko. ^^ I think I didn't explain very well, since I was trying not to write too much and bog you down with editorial comments. There is work to be done, but you all have it under control I'm sure.

[Kawaiikneko]

not really, no XD everyone loves your comments chloe~ And I'm not the best of editors... I'm more like the first person to read it and give opinions and suggestions.

Edit: *poke* even though we're both leaving, take time to tear yourself away from Star Ocean to update Linda ;__;

[Photosoph]

Excellent, Insanewitapen! I really enjoyed reading this. Like Chloe I think there are a few details missing, but I'm guessing, like you said, they'll be revealed in the story. The only suggestion I have is that she seems to be coping too well with the situation -when she entered the world I think I remember her wondering what was going on, but after that there isn't much mention of her wondering where she is.
I like how the city has all those different levels... I don't play final fantasy so I don't know which city in which game it was like, but I can get a little bit of a feel for it in my head. ^_^

The only other thing I can think of is that:

that attached to his arms like bands

^Dang I didn't copy the whole sentence! >.< Oh well. It's the one where one of the Nomeds, the leader I think, attacked. How did they attach to his arms like bands?

Cool story, IWaP! ^_^

[insanewitapen]

Sorry if I offended you or your editor, Kneko. ^^ I think I didn't explain very well, since I was trying not to write too much and bog you down with editorial comments. There is work to be done, but you all have it under control I'm sure.

Oh no Choel its fine, I just wanted to explain. XD; its okay *hug* you didnt offend me at all. keep editing but I'm going to be gone for the next week, and I'm leaving in the morning tomorrow...well technically it is tomorrow (1:42 am). BUt I am playing star ocean while doing this...but my disc with my story is allready packed and...oh nvrm I'll just use the one saved on my comp. Okay I update XD;

[insanewitapen]

The houses were considerably smaller and trash littered the street. Everyone looked much more depressed and had rags for clothes compared to the people on the top. Even the vehicles were dented and poorly designed. A thin layer of exhaust filled the air from the roofs and the cars. Wheeled motorcycles and cars zoomed down the road causing dust to also fill the air. None of the roads were paved and the sidewalks were horribly cracked and uneven. The moonlight barely reached here because of the top sections bottom filled the sky giving it an eerie feeling. At least all of the buildings had some kind of graffiti on the side adding to the trashy look of the town. As they rushed down the street all eyes turned onto Arys. Most of the looks she was receiving were menacing glares. It was as if she was a mass murderer being pulled through a town where she had just killed someone. Swallowing hard she stared as much as she could at that ground.

"Come on keep up." The boy scowled back at her as she started to slow down. "I'm not going to carry you there."

"If you don't slow down you may not have a choice!" she snapped back as he pulled her up some stairs.

Her teeth chattered as the wind bit at her now bare arms. They walked across a walkway above the road the twisted back and forth through the houses. Signs were set next to the flights of stairs to tell you what awaited you at the bottom. After many minutes they finally went down one of the flights of stairs that was labeled 'Toquor's Rest Stop'. The thief pulled her so fast she almost fell down. As they came out onto the street again, sure enough they were right next to an inn called 'Toquor's Rest Stop'. By now the boy was practically dragging her behind him. Arys breathed heavily as they walked over to the door and stepped in.

The room was filled with small circular tables and a fireplace crackling off to the right side. At the opposite end of the room was a bar and a single bar tender talking to a small round man. Racks of bottles hung from racks behind the counter and a sink was placed off to the left of them next to the door to the kitchen. A flight of stairs were up against the left wall and went up to where many vacant rooms waited. Men field the tables, mostly drunk and having many smokes. A thin layer of smoke floated in the air and mixed with the smell of alcohol. The room was very poorly decorated with almost no pictures on the wall and not a single carpet to be seen. At first no one noticed them but slowly all head's turned and froze as they saw the boy.

"A'ight everyone!" the bartender shouted nervously as he saw the theif at the door. "Time ta be 'eadin out!"

The men grumbled and complained annoyingly and got up from their seats. The thief pulled Arys out of the doorway as he stepped aside. As the men left one stopped and looked over at Arys then smirked up at the boy.

Stealing girls now are we Kain?" he taunted wiping his mouth. "Didn't think ya had it in you!"

Kain shot a glare down at the man. "Shut up Temorth." He scowled.

"Hey, hey!" Temorth said raising his hands up defensively. "Just askin a simple question. No need to be getting angry over that."

"Just go home." Kain rubbed his forehead stressfully. "I'm not in the mood right now."

"Are you ever?!" He laughed and walked towards the door. "See ya later Kain."

"Bye." Kain said simply and waited until the door closed to move.

Without a word he dragged Arys over to the counter and shoved her onto a stool. If she hadn’t grabbed the edge of the counter she would have fallen over along with the stool. Kain stormed past her and up the stairs into a room. After a couple minutes of being dazed Arys turned towards the bartender.

“Idiot.â€

[insanewitapen]

“A’ight then.â€

[Photosoph]

It's been good so far, Insane; I'd like to see more if you're comfortable posting it.
Hmm... maybe just putting in about three sentences, spaced apart and in different places, each on the same idea but a little different, would help show she's confused but going along with what's happening.
I dunno how clear that description was, but what I mean is that you could perhaps find a place to fit 'Arys wasn't sure what was going on. How had she got here? And where was here? Yet things seemed to be happening too fast for her to think about what was happening. She just had to go along with it.' And then, quite a while later, put in 'Arys still didn't understand what was happening -but she knew.... (insert something or rather)" and further along in the story another sentence basically saying she's confused, or something, to carry on the idea that she doesn't know what's going on.
Not sure if that idea would work or not, though. ^_^" Anyway, thanks for posting the above. It's cool to read your story.

[Kawaiikneko]

*stalks around with my scythe*

o.o;; No not really. If you're typing I can forgive anything. I wasn't around to read it til now anyways. Well then... *goes back to tearing the flesh off my legs* T___T I HATE MOSQUITOS!! THEY MUST ALL BURN AND DIE!!

[true_noir_chloe]

You know, I really didn't give a very good critique on your first bit of writing, Insane. Sorry about that. ^^;;; I feel very badly that I short-changed you with a bad critique.

Please, let me try again now that I've thought over your writing, looked it over again, and looked at this new section.

In the first section I felt lost as a reader. And I think I know why, it's because you had trouble transitioning from one scene to the next. When I said I felt you needed to give us more info, I didn't mean give away the secrets to the story, I meant just more info. on the scene - build up, make us know where we are, a little background, a bit of description - anything to pull me (the reader) in. I want to be swept up into the fantasy world you've created. It's like the game, Jenga, where you have a tower of blocks and you slowly pull away each block. Well, your first section was like that tower with quite a few blocks already missing and I'm on top tottering and trying to get my footing before it falls down. Readers need to be secure in the world you've created or they will get so lost they won't want to read on. That means you need to be secure and know your world backward and forward to convey that to the reader - and then convey it.

Now, with most writing this isn't uncommon; I notice when I go back and do an edit this is where I usually have to edit. I'd really suggest you read up on scene structure and how to give just the right amount of information on a scene so that you draw your reader into the story. This really comes with practice and reading.

Also, I couldn't attach to your main character as much as I would have liked. Even now, with the new section, I'm not quite sure what kind of person Arys is and why I should care about her dilemma she's in. Please don't take that badly - I don't mean I don't care about your character. I mean, you haven't filled me in with what kind of person she is enough - possibly at the beginning - to feel for her the way I would like to. It's just, I think a bit more well-chosen sentences or a background paragraph here or there, might have done it.

I agree 100% with Photosoph, that she seems too well-adjusted to the situation.

I hate to bog you down with another comment, but the way the bartender speaks needs a little work if you are trying for a Cockney-type accent or something similar to Hagrid (sp?) of Harry Potter. The dialogue is good, otherwise.

I think you've got a lot of talent, but like I tell my daughter you're young and you'll keep learning; don't ever think that you're accomplished because there is always room for improvement. That's the fun part of being young - learning to get better at something - the process is worth it. Writing is fresh for you and if you love to do it, I know you'll just blossom the more you do it. I've played guitar for over 30 years and I'm still no Carlos Santana, but I can always learn new things and still get better. And, I just plain old love to play.

I hope I gave you a more hopeful critique this time. It's great that you and Kneko can bounce your ideas off one another. I think it shows in both of your writing.

[Photosoph]

I've played guitar for over 30 years and I'm still no Carlos Santana, but I can always learn new things and still get better. And, I just plain old love to play.

This may be a bit off topic, but... that's like me with the piano! I've played it for about twelve years, and still haven't passed grade eight or even five, I think... but I just love it, so I keep on playing and learning.

I really like your story, IwaP, and I hope you continue to write, even if you decide not to post it on CAA. ^_^ If you do post more on this or any other story, I would be extremely happy if you told me so I could read it. (Lol, Iwap; I love that nick. ^_^ I think I shall have to call you that from now on. )

[Kawaiikneko]

*completely off topic* IwaP!!! omigosh I love that XD Linda I'm calling you that now... *waits a week for you to answer this*

[insanewitapen]

Reply to kawaiikneko

*stalks around with my scythe*

o.o;; No not really. If you're typing I can forgive anything. I wasn't around to read it til now anyways. Well then... *goes back to tearing the flesh off my legs* T___T I HATE MOSQUITOS!! THEY MUST ALL BURN AND DIE!! - I KNOW! ***! I have five bites on my right foot but NONE on the other! WTH?! Oh and tons more all over -___- I hate mosquitos SO MUCH.

Reply to T.N.Chloe

When I said I felt you needed to give us more info, I didn't mean give away the secrets to the story, I meant just more info. on the scene - build up, make us know where we are, a little background, a bit of description - anything to pull me (the reader) in. – OOOO got it. Yesh I do need to describe more. Okay~ ^_^ I’m not sure if this should be our earth (in the beginning) or the earth in a different dimension or something like that or a completely different world but similar to ours. >_< *thinks*

Now, with most writing this isn't uncommon; I notice when I go back and do an edit this is where I usually have to edit. I'd really suggest you read up on scene structure and how to give just the right amount of information on a scene so that you draw your reader into the story. This really comes with practice and reading. – yes I have been declining on reading books…>.> I need too. I do have Ted Deckers Red, White, and Black books waiting for me on my bedroom desk…they’ve kinda been there for the past month XD; I shall read! >o</

Also, I couldn't attach to your main character as much as I would have liked. Even now, with the new section, I'm not quite sure what kind of person Arys is and why I should care about her dilemma she's in. Please don't take that badly - I don't mean I don't care about your character. I mean, you haven't filled me in with what kind of person she is enough - possibly at the beginning - to feel for her the way I would like to. It's just, I think a bit more well-chosen sentences or a background paragraph here or there, might have done it. – yeah, when I first wrote my story it just started where she was looking up at the stars and stuff. And later I thought I should give more backround to her family and friends. Hmm I will ponder how to develop her. XD ph34r my formal speech

I agree 100% with Photosoph, that she seems too well-adjusted to the situation. MUWAHAHA! I have gone through the story all the way past from what I posted and changed that. >> I’ll have to have kawaiikneko read through it first though *grin*

I hate to bog you down with another comment, but the way the bartender speaks needs a little work if you are trying for a Cockney-type accent or something similar to Hagrid (sp?) of Harry Potter. The dialogue is good, otherwise. - >XD hah its not supposed to be any known accent. I wanted to make it different. >_>

I hope I gave you a more hopeful critique this time. It's great that you and Kneko can bounce your ideas off one another. I think it shows in both of your writing. - *huggles* sankyuu~ you did great ^^

Reply to Photosoph

I really like your story, IwaP, and I hope you continue to write, even if you decide not to post it on CAA. ^_^ If you do post more on this or any other story, I would be extremely happy if you told me so I could read it. (Lol, Iwap; I love that nick. ^_^ I think I shall have to call you that from now on. ) oh I defiantly will keep posting but I need to fix stuff up so it may be a bit. O.o; IwaP….I feel like an Ipod now…XD (cause of the name)

Reply to Kawaiikneko

*completely off topic* IwaP!!! omigosh I love that XD Linda I'm calling you that now... *waits a week for you to answer this* - >XD now I shall forever feel like a brand of mp3 player *laughs*


okay all back to Star Ocean: Till the end of time (I finished it and I working on the bonus dungeons) *runs away before they all kill me for not typing* thankyou for your support everyone! ^_^