CAA 2030...A Web Travesty

[Zarn Ishtare]

The Forword:The Author Apologizes for the Writing of this Story.


Well, I was most perplexed last saturday night as to what to do with myself for the month and a half of net accessability, and suddenly it hit me. After it hit me, I got up off the floor (nursing slight blunt force trauma to the cranium) And wrote this rather perplexing look into the not so distant, yet frightening future. Please, hold your tomatoes, rotten fruit, and rifle fire until the end of this rather morose gathering of words and phrases, when the author shall take it upon himself. After he takes it upon himself, he will attempt to discover what "it" is, and morever why he is wasting his time with fruitless endevours.

And So, with further ado, a stumbling over the frayed velvet rope, and a punch to the skull of the annoying ticket man, I give you, starring CAA and Company, the torrid, the tedious, the ramshackle writing that is


CAA 2030!



Chapter 1: DDR Freaks Say What?

BANG! (I'm not sure why, but I've always been told these things should start and end with a bang)
The Narrator stumbles in, disheveled and unshaven, blank-eyed after a long night of WOW and soda )

The Place? CAA. The Year? 2030. After a freak "accident" involving a DDR pad being wired to Shoor's temporal distortion machine, our intrepid mods find themselves back on CAA, but are suprised to find it an abandoned wasteland. Curiously, a small black box with the cryptic words "Straylight is not my favourite member" is discovered ...

Shoor: "Aha! I told you we could make our way back! And you doubted the integrity of my "Everyone Eat Bananas Until Your Face Turns Yellow" plan."

Here, Ashley and Ark shrug as LB finds a place to quickly evacuate the overdose of potassium from his system.

Ashley: "Who could have guessed Lightbringers ultimate weakness was bananas served by Anastasia? And did you remember to keep Eirewolf from Monogramming the Czars towels E.W. and O.P.?"

UC and Ark nod as they toss the Eirewolf onto a soft pile of old Ishtare rhetoric. The pile makes an "Ooh, Fanboy!" sound as Eire crushes the remnants of the posts with her tush, which though normally is not by any standards considered heavy, being currently covered with a 3-inch plate of armor, was quite deadly to any unsaspecting cushion or chair...


UC:"...."

Ark: "Eire, your as sweet as the sound of a chainsaw ripping into zombies, but why must you mongram every towel you come across? In UC's armor no less?"

Eire: "I swear, if Ink hadn't convinced me that the Czars towels were minty fresh, I would have kicked the habit, I swear! Besides, we've been randomly thrown through different spacial distortions for four years now. I want to leave my Mark!"

Ark:" Well, at least your not as bad as an actual wolf....though it would have been nice when we were stuck in primordial Ireland. You could have helped us hunt instead of helping Ink design leaf based clothing!"

Meanwhile, our long suffering hero Ash, being one of the few of the group to express any immediate concern over the wartorn, abandoned state of her precious site, was busy rummaging through a very cryptic pile of "Vote SAL AND OLD PHIL FOR PREZ" to discover a little metal black box, much like the kind found on airplanes and burger joints(though they use it for somthing totally different)...

Ash: "Guys, Guys, get over here! There's some thing you should see..."


End of Chapter One.

OH NO! What does this mean for Ash and the gang? Who is Sal, and why did Old Phil run for prez? And how did he if he's been exiled in time with the rest of the mods? And why is Eire In Armor?!?!

STAY TUNED! FOR CAA-EXCITEMENT!

So...thats my Chapter for today. Stay Tuned for Chapter Two,
"Plot-Holes, Anyone?"


Zarn.

[uc pseudonym]

Another CAA-based story, eh? Well, I've traditionally read most things that feature caricatures of me, so I'll be following this as well. Obviously you're doing this in a joking manner, but I find myself most interested by the mystery issues.

The Forword:The Author Apologizes for the Writing of this Story.

Great beginning.

[Zarn Ishtare]

My, I was terrified when my browser told me that UC had posted on my humble little scribbles. But now that such an acomplished author has cited me as interesting, I shall now move on with false bravado! I EVEN THINK I CAN GET AWAY WITH ALL CAPS NOW!

*A Very large vase falls from somewhere within the third heavens, leaving a pleasent feeling of blunt force trauma on our intrepid authors skull*

*Looks around*

"Huh? What was I talking about? Whatever, back to working on the story...."


QUOTE FROM CHAPTER THREE: "What those fools don't realize is that I have NO PLANNED STORY LINE WHATSOEVER! HUZZAH FOR PLOTHOLES!"

[Zarn Ishtare]

Well, normally, you young non-existant swabbies would be expecting a second chapter. HAHA, NO! Instead, please stand by for an Interuption ofyour regular scheduled Story!



WE INTERUPT THIS BRIEF AND MEANINGLESS STORY ARC FOR THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT:

The Following is a blanket apology to anyone offended by this particular story arc, or any other events that take place within the confines of these writings. However, I solemnly reserve the right to gently poke fun at anyone who cares to be retentive and dis-agreeable. WAHAHA!

Zarn.

[Zarn Ishtare]

Well, due to the meteor which struck my home and wiped out all of Wisconsin (actually a horrible lie) I have had a hard time updating.

Actually, I was just being lazy and tired, but when you tell your one critic you'll have it updated tommorow, you update tommorow....Yawn. Early morning....SO, WITHOUT FURTHER(a random brick smashes through the window to take out our befuddled author)......*A random Ashley chibi in a bunny suit runs in*

Bunny: "Ha! I got him! *notices the expectant audience* "Umm....Here is chapter 2!"


Chapter 2: Bjork? I'm sorry, I've never been to Switzerland before...
(Real Title: Plotholes, anyone?)



*We find our intrepid mods (who by this point are sick of waiting for the author to give them more to do, and recently held a company-crushing strike saying so) sitting around Ashley in the now vacant Goof Off area (what a frightening and deplorable concept!), trying to figure out the Black Box and its assorted mysteries. Let us dive closer, as we watch old phil attempt to pry it open by sheer force of verbosity...*

Oldphil: "Open, I say! I'll quote Dryden again!"

Entire group in unison: "NO!"

*oldphil shakes his head at these unlettered savages, when UC randomly walks up and grabs the puzzle*

UC (Whose deadpan Sephiroth expression has frightened the bravest man):
"Open."
*Amazingly, the box begins to glow a faint lime green, as if in recognition of UC's amazing power. As the box begins to open amidst smoke and flame, our mods lean in expectantly, to see....Another black box!*

UC: "I see." *With this, he smashes the black box with a mighty Sephiroth boot*

Whole group in unison: "WHAAAT?!?!

Ashley: "Why, UC? We could have finally found out what happened while we were gone...and maybe gone back! But now it's gone forever!"

UC: "Actually...." *UC opens his hand, and low and behold, a mysterious black box appears in replace of the other one*

Whole group in unison: "WHAAAT?!?!

UC: "Yes. I can create an infinite amount of objects, conveniently pulling them out from behind my back without any need for explanation or logic. Furthermore, I can suddenly summon forth magic, fall a thousand feet off a tall building and not get hurt, duel a master Iado swordsman, and do it all in the time it takes for most people to eat a sandwich. *Points at self* "And have you noticed that we are in CAA as a region, instead of a website, and that we have all been turned into our Avatars?"

Whole Group:

*A Voice from Heaven shouts: "Ignore the plotholes, you're unraveling the fabric of time!"*

*UC's eyes go red and black as this voice from the heavens mumbles something about tofu and rice. As FF7 battle music plays, horrifying wings and claws erupt from his body, creating a truelly terrible monstrosity*

Evil UC: "Ha! Fool! You have revealed yourself!" *As UC flies towards the heavens trailing fire behind him, our collective group can only stand and stare...*

Ashley: "So UC was a demon the entire time? That expla-"

*UC randomly walks in*

UC: "I Forgot to mention...Everytime our characters do something evil, the universe responds by creating an evil twin, or amnesia, which liberates the writer to use his evil characters without arousing the ire of the fanbase."

*The entire group (which at this point is so tired of pretending to be shocked that it has erected mannaquins in life-like poses) stands shocked by these frightening revelations, each reflecting a certain mood, from Shoor's slight wry grin [I've always wanted to write those last four words for some reason] to Ark's extremely disturbing smile*

Ashley: "UC, don't unravel the universe by alerting the writer we know of this sad, sorry tale! No soup for you!"

UC: "Curses!"

*Shoor and OldPhil chime in: "Actually, ye can't, we rigged the site that way!"*

*As the entire group ponders this, a silvery voice calls out: "Hi. Can I help you?"*

*A pretty young girl of about ten giggles.* "You look lost. Don't you know where you are?"

Ark: "And who might you be, young lady?"

Girl: "Oh, that's simple! I'm Thought-Provoking Alias!" *waves to UC* "Hi , Dad!"

Group(excluding UC): "Wha...?"

END OF CHAPTER 2

[Zarn Ishtare]

Wow....no one...reading this at all...so depressing to my fragile writers spirit............sigh.

[Puritan]

I, in fact, started to read it, but I got confused. Monogramming towels? A chibi version of the person who runs the website? I'm about as lost as Amelia Earhart. However, maybe that's a good thing?

Thought for the day: Take strength in your ignorance.

[Zarn Ishtare]

Ah my son, you see, the Chibi is a metaphor for the joy of existance....And the mongrammed towels....it was three a.m. ok? Different standards apply when your writing at three in the morning! Things like towels, bunnies, and Blunt Force Trauma become funny!

*Sob* Sigh, this writer is always opressed by the ignorant populace....

[Puritan]

However, as a writer oppressed by the ignorant populace you are eligable for a grant to continue your challenging work unappreciated by the unsophisticated people who read it. Just so long as you try not to write at 0300 again.

[Scribs]

Thought Provoking Alias... That is most commendable Zarn, most comendable

[Kanerou]

Ah my son, you see, the Chibi is a metaphor for the joy of existance....And the mongrammed towels....it was three a.m. ok? Different standards apply when your writing at three in the morning! Things like towels, bunnies, and Blunt Force Trauma become funny!

*Sob* Sigh, this writer is always opressed by the ignorant populace....

Never call a weapons-wielding member ignorant. And yeah, it's random, but so is UC's Apocalypse story. I hope you finish this.

[uc pseudonym]

Thought Provoking Alias... That is most commendable Zarn, most comendable

That was my comment as well (though via PM). In any case, I continue to watch to see how you'll develop the ideas you've talked about to me.

[bigsleepj]

Oh, I loved this! You should continue!!

[Zarn Ishtare]

So.....It is time....

for nothing.

Bwahahahahahahaha! I am the evil author of doom! Fear my minimal post count and furious Cephas impersonation Ownage! Mwahahahahaha! *John Cleese suddenly appears from off left of center stage and bashes Zarn with a parrot*

Here the Director attempts to cajole Cleese into saying his famous line, "And Now For Something Completely Different"

Director: "Come on John, say it!"
Cleese: "I refuse, good sir! I fart in your general direction! You smell of goats and elderberries!"
Director: "Now now, John. If you don't do it, will have to sic the Bunny on you!"
John Cleese: "Aha, Non. Now my minions, attack!"

Here, the evil Puns and their commander Irony assault the director, causing everyone to suddenly explode.

John (who is now wearing an african headress and a hoola hoop dress): "And Now for Somthing Completely-

And now, On with the-*The author is bludgeoned again, this time with a certain Hungarian phrasebook*

John: "Scuse me lad, but what about me bloo-*Ye can't say that here, the BBC will eat you!* lines?
Author: "Parrot? What Parrot? Oh? Lines? ? No lines for you! I refuse to abuse your good name any longer!"

Cleese: "Well me lad, it's not really your choice, is it gov?"

Author: ( Apologizing to the audience who are eagerly expecting the update ) "It seems since the director and the entire editing group have all exploded, that we will not be updating today. So sorry govna! Enjoy my faux update!

[Zarn Ishtare]

Yo , so this is the update. It's written on the spot, like most of my writing, with no editorial process whatsoever. Fun. On a bun. watch the beauty of this mad tale unfold.


Chapter 3: No Plot, No Shoes, No Service?

We find our mods, after a week or more of waiting for the other to hurry up and update, missing from CAA. Instead, we find them discussing communism's "Golden Age" in a coffee shop in Surrey England. Now, we can't have that. So, after being bribed with pocky, horror movies and paintbrushes, they finally agree to finish the series (Much to UC's chagrin).

Ashley: "So the author finally is updating..what do you think the plot for this week is?"

UC: "Plot? Plot?"
At this, UC quite inexplicably falls into a fit of giggles. Apparently the notion of "Zarn having a plot"broke through even UC's dry wit, causing him to fall to the floor. Now, for those of you who have not heard a UC giggle, it is quite an amazing experience.
I can honestly say that if you could harvest these rare and precious giggles, the drink you could concoct from it would cure cancer, grant eternal life,and (Gasp) Make 4kids not suck. Yes, it's that good. Since there is no written word capable of expressing this wonderous event, let me only say this: "Haha, I heard it and you didn't!"

Shoor(who is carefully documenting this rare occurence as Old Phill looks on) :"So, now that we're all here, what are we doing?"

Thought Provoking Alias: "I believe we were introducing me?

Ashely: Thats right! We were wondering how you were UC's kid if he never..well...you know...got married."

Thought Provoking Alias: "Oh, that, well, it happened like this..."

Sometime later....

Shatterheart: "So thats where politicians come from!

Ink: "I get it! Wow....."

Ashley: Well, thats enough explanation for me."

Shoor: "What are you talking about? We just sat here for a minute, then she said "it happened like this..." and then shatterArk started babbling! She didn't explain a blessed thing!"

*UC rears up to stare at Shoor. "Do not expose the plotholes. You remember what happened last time we fought. Shall I recall to your mind the salt? Or the comfy pillows? the soft chair?"

Shoor: Yes...and the cheese....wait, we never fought. What are you talking about?

UC: "It's a well-known literary device. I name things off at random and the reader uses his imagination to think of how such things could be used in battle...'

Shoor: Oh.

Ashley: Can you two focus? We don't have long! The audience is already thinking about leaving for peanuts and bathroom breaks!

UC: Heaven's forfend they leave this mockery of a stageplay.
UC snaps his fingers and out of nowhere,two dueling samurai jump from opposite sides of the screen. In a forty minute grand duel involving fire and magic, the good samurai beats the evil, kills him, and says something philisophical. As the trailers move across the screen, everyone leaves the theater in a poetic mood, inspiring would be poets to compose haiku.

Ashley: "WAIT! We're not done yet, come back!"

UC: Too late. Don't worry, they'll be back tommorow. Eirewolf collected their wallets at the door so no one would be robbed. The bad part? they all left them here.


Ashley: So that's the literary device the author is using to keep up interest? But we haven't done anything at all! Nothing! This entire chapter is nothing but lackluster dialogue! It's not even actiony!

Ark: There were the samurai. I liked the samurai.

UC: In any case, the chapter is over.

Ark: Huh?

UC: It's over. Look.
UC points to the fade out, with the end sign fast approaching

Ark: but it's not over yet, right?

UC: No. It's Over No-


END OF CHAPTER 3.

[uc pseudonym]

Well, that was a good deal more random than previous chapters. Whatever motivates you to write, I suppose.

[Zarn Ishtare]

I'll admit that it's not much, UC. But it's not really a story, to be honest. It's really my excuse to make fun of literary devices and CAA fan works. There was a plot in the beginning, but.....well, it kinda died. This was random, I know, but I wanted to push the barrier that Ingemar and others have kind of put out there with logic, or the lack there of.


Zarn....boo.

[bigsleepj]

That was funny in a random way. Keep it up! (although you could do with less breaking of the fourth-wall).

[Zarn Ishtare]

Well, I have an announcement to make:

I am looking for a Co-Author, someone who understands this wierd little jaunt into madness and wants to take it further. Also, I suppose those who are grammatically correct may look into the position, as well. At aNy RatE, i ExpEcT THe apPlIcanT t0 Kn0w h0w t0 sPelL, and to realize when someone takes a grammer joke to far(I just can't stop!) . Also, they must recognize that I am a horrible author and should be shot....in the head...and look at all the dangling modifiers, to. Oh wait, nevermind!

By the way run on sentences drive me absolutely batty so no run on sentences ok becuase I hate that so much and I realize the joke is wearing thin but its my habit to break the 4th wall and I really need to stop....and....not type...like this...


So..........................................

...........



(Insert witty comment here)



...................

...............................................................



Who's interested?

Zarn

P.S. Oh, before I forget....j00 n00b, 1'm 733T HAx0r's j00 N00b!



.....

Because while I may defile spelling, I love my precious punctuation.

[uc pseudonym]

If you want a copy-editor I can do that. But I think you might be best served with someone else as your co-author.

[Zarn Ishtare]

I'd love to have you as a copy-editor, UC. I wasn't expecting you to write anyway. Your busy, and I need someone who can devote time and effort, and who has no life....like me!


*Smiles*

[USSRGirl]

Um...I stupidly and rather naively volunteered to be Zarn's co-author. But I can't follow this thing for the life of me! Good Lord, why do you let me get roped into this?!!! If any EVER asks if I was responsible for contributing any writing to this thread...I will deny everything. My reputation in the literary world shall be tarnished as an old bruised grapefruit leftover from the continental breakfast at a cheap Motel 6! I really don't know any of you guys so forgive me if I mis-characterize your character. I'm simply drawing from Zarn's descriptions...or lack there of. Um ok...here goes......

Chapter 4: Apocalypse Meow

The curtain opens to a depressing Eastern European cafe shadowed by a haunting grey skyline. We enter the creaking door and find our friendly neighborhood mods once more discussing...communism? Whilst they continue to sip their coffee and banter in a friendly manner, a shadowed figure walks in and proceeds to order a cup of coffee.

Ashley (sipping her tea): Yep...communism sure did have its glory days.

Shatterark (heart?): ? ....so....are you implying that our wonderful founder of CAA is in fact a closet commie?! :: Gasp :: What's the world coming to?! This site isn't safe for children any more!

Ashley (nervously): Oh - uh - hehehe...no, no of course not. I was only musing in a historical context of course.

UC (eating a muffin casually): Still...those commies sure did have a lot going for them. The endless masses of happy laborers...the rice paddies...free public health care courtesy of an assembly line of Russian scientists...oooh...WHAT PERKS! Why don't mods get perks like that huh?!

Shoor: Because mods aren't evil. Power only leads to corruption. (Shoor suddenly begins to vaguely resemble Frog-fucious from that out-dated 90's Mario RPG and goes off to meditate amongst the lotus blossoms. Will they return in time to save CAA from the commies?!! *Insert cliffhanger+dramatic sound track here*)

Ashley: Well......naming your fictional child Thought-Provoking-Alias was a bit...disturbing...if not evil.

UC: Ah so what. We'll provide government issue therapy sessions. Hrmm...I'm begining to like this evil thing. QUICK! Shatterark! Hand me the magic marker!

Ark (suspiciously): Um.....why...?

UC: JUST DO IT!!!

Ark pulls out a sharpy and gives it to UC. UC proceeds to draw a fake Dr. Evil-like scarr over one of his eyes.

UC: MAWHAHAHAHA!! ...I always wanted to cackle like that. This evil-commie-tyrant stuff is kinda fun! MAWHAHAHAAAAAA!

Ashley: ...Oh my...

Over hearing the conversation, the shadowed and cloaked being proceeds to sit down at the mods' table. She sips her coffee with a mechanical arm before speaking.

Shadow Person: ......so you think you're cut out to rain terror upon CAA, eh, UC?

UC: I don't just rain...I POUR!! (UC holds a box of Morton's Salt)

Shadow Person: ....You're not evil. There are none eviler (grammatical ouchie) than, I... THE GLORIOUS TEMULIN!!

UC: Meh...I am sooo eviler than you.

Temulin: Oh really? How do you like your coffee?

UC: Uh...light roast.

Temulin: I drink mine black!

Ark: Oh my...THE DARKNESS!!!! SHIELD YOUR EYES!!

UC: Eh...big deal.

Temulin: Do you like puppies?

UC: Yes...

Temulin: I KICK puppies!!

UC: :: Gasp ::

Temulin: And that muffin you're eating...?

UC: NO!

Temulin: I dropped it on the floor!!

UC collapses of an overdose of evilism. Such is why mods shall never be evil tyrants. The world of CAA is safe once more. But wait...Where did Shoor and Thought-Provoking-Alias go to?! Stay tuned for further chapters written by none other than...ZARN~! For I quit......:: Gets bored and walks out of thread leaving an empty stage in my wake ::

[uc pseudonym]

Well that was interesting. And very in keeping with the rest of the story in terms of randomness.

As for the ending dialogue... heh. Do you know the origin of that? I can trace it back to a Naruto avatar on a certain forum, but I imagine it probably goes back further than that.

[Zarn Ishtare]

You thought so too, huh? At least you didn't say the quality of the work went down...Becuase then I think I would die from oxygen deprivation...from laughing so hard....


I may update soon..or not. Hopefully next time Temulin will be alittle more structured in her posts, and try and follow the "Flow" of the crazy...you can't just interupt the crazy, you have to go with the crazy flow...which makes no sense....

*Hides*

[USSRGirl]

UC, yeah...a friend of mine was using the avvie at the time I wrote this. It cracks me up! ^.^ I was starring at it whilst writing this chapter of randomness so I figured I'd use it. I love that muffin thing...

Zarn, I cannot make heads or tails of your "plot." Sorry. I just wrote whatever popped into my sick lil head. ^-^

[uc pseudonym]

The plot is that the moderators have been transported to the future where CAA is a desolate wasteland; after that there isn't much, unless you count my daughter. On that subject...

Ashley: Well......naming your illegitimate fictional child Thought-Provoking-Alias was a bit...disturbing...if not evil.

Because the authorial torch of omniscience passed to you, it's now an illegitimate child as well. Lovely.

[Zarn Ishtare]

*Grabs Temulin and orders her to change the offending part, as it wasn't intended in the original canon....*

[USSRGirl]

Heeey, YOU implied it Zarn! Nevertheless I shall edit it. Sorry UC! ^-^

[uc pseudonym]

Please, let me clarify. I meant that post in a dry, sarcastic tone. All of this is imaginary and it doesn't really bother me at all. So change or not, it doesn't really matter to me.

[Kanerou]

It could make for some funny dialogue. Ex: Ashley mentions UC's illegit. child. UC, perhaps rather indignant or simply irritated, asks how she knows [whether] it is. Next and obvious question then being, where's the mother? It could be worked with.