A Raven's Tears

[Kawaiikneko]

*is desperately trying to get past this writer's block*

OMG YESSS!!! I'm typing again! If only this had happened at the beginning of spring break

[Kaori]

I'm glad to see that you seem to have gotten over your writer's block.

Some of the conversations come across as being fairly realistic, like the fact that Phyr and Cree both immediately know what “that timeâ€

[true_noir_chloe]

I enjoyed this last section. ^___^

The remarks about Thatia that Kaori made, were on my mind, as well. Thatia is either a spiritual spitfire or she is a shy faithful one, hiding in the shadows of her superiors. I think you need to decide where she is at the start. And, I can understand if you think she is one of those people who is very shy at the outset, and as she gets to know someone she loosens up. However, I'm not sure how she seems to handle the banquet participants so assuredly with her mannerisms and words, putting them in their place, makes much sense if she is this type of personality. You may have to go back and make some adjustments, because I think I like the spiritual spitfire quite a bit more. However that is your choice, as the writer, to make.

However, I will comment on some characteristic and stylistic notes here:

As the day of the ball drew near, Cree assisted in preparations, though the other workers avoided her. Every so often Phyr would sneak into the ballroom where Cree was working to provide a bit of stress to the villagers. The first time she had sneaked in Phyr had raised a platform of air mir beneath her half-nightchild friend and scared the workers spitless. After a few berating words from her friend, the lyate promised to avoid such jokes until after the banquet.

Now Phyr was content to walk next to Cree as she set seating cushions in their proper places. In her great aunt’s ballroom there was a grand banquet table. With the table top at floor level and the seating area two feet below the floor, the job was becoming quite an arduous task for Cree. As she shuffled along the side of the pit, other workers gave the pait a wide berth. Feeling a bit out of place, Cree struck up a conversation with Phyr.

I highlighted the first sentence in blue because it didn't seem to fit with the rest of the paragraph. I don't know, maybe it's just me. o_0 Something just doesn't seem to jell here - awkward sentence structure or something. I keep reading it and I can't figure out what it is.

In this section below:

"I'll be right back," she said politely as she dashed out of the room, her red skirts flying behind her. She returned, out of breath, hauling a large bag behind her.

One of these "behind her's" may have to go. ^__^;;;

That's my two cents. Again, I am enjoying getting to know the friends Phyr, Cree and Thatia. Aethiel seems nice enough. You captured the atmosphere of a ball/banquet quite well.

This is a fun read and I'll be happy when you write some more. The best cure for writer's block is to read. ~_^ Read someone you enjoy reading.

[Kawaiikneko]

Yay!

I do actually see Thatia not much unlike myself. When she's with someone she is comfortable with, she'll be more outgoing than normal. For example, if I can compare her to myself, if I went to a big party with a good friend who I'm comfortable with and I knew no one else there, as long as my friend was with me I'd be pretty outgoing. But if I got left by myself I'd probably stare at the floor and try to be invisible or something. I also like the idea of Thatia coming out of her comfort zone to help Cree.
However... when I was writing the ballroom scene I was thinking that I may have been making Thatia a bit too outgoing even for the purpose... I guess I was then! ^^;

*goes off to fix those problems with the sentences*

[true_noir_chloe]

<.< >.> *searching for an update*

[Kawaiikneko]

The next few days that week, Cree found herself sitting in the shadi barn watching Aethiel work. He would talk to her to pass the time. It was mostly playful banter, but when he had time to spare Aethiel would sit next to Cree and listen to her talk seriously.

Cree was helping him move some boxes a few days after the ball when Aethiel brought up Thatia in their conversation.

“We just met a few days ago,â€

[Kawaiikneko]

Cree nearly crumbled under the withering stares sent her way by the three occupants as she entered. Thatia was sitting straight-backed in a cushioned chair, and under her gaze Cree had to quickly remind herself of the note the girl had left. The High Priestess Laida and Lady Sarai were both there as well, staring coldly if not glaring.

“Come in Cree,â€

[Kawaiikneko]

Her own awkward silence was beginning to choke Cree. It became so crushing that eventually the girl had to hum an aimless tune to break it.

A soft rap on her door brought Cree out of her reverie. With a pleasant smile, she turned to the door as Thatia and Phyr slipped in, moving as if they were smuggling precious metals. Phyr was carrying Kiryn safely in her arms before the playful animal jumped down and circled Cree’s feet with a chorus of gurgles and chirps. Cree crouched down to pet Kiryn, exchanging greetings with Phyr politely.

An awkward silence reigned between the two friends, Phyr stoking Kiryn and Cree scratching the floor haphazardly. Thatia nudged Cree with her toe discreetly and sent a meaningful glance Phyr’s way until the abnormally shy lyate spoke up.

“You’re really… leaving for Faalen tomorrow?â€

[Kawaiikneko]

*bows head in shame* I... am... so... sorry T_T I wrote this so slowly! Please forgive meee!!!

I don't know how satisfied I am with it... especially the last part... but oh well. Its not over yet, but I pretty much know where I'm going from here. I hope that means I can write fast buuut... <.< yeaaah right. *cough* I have promised myself I'd AT LEAST finish this by the end of the summer.

Everyone: Oh GEE Kneko, how reassuring.
Me: Uhhh yeah... =_=;

sooo I hope this is a decent enough update for how long you had to wait. I'll try to write the next part fast, but no promises

[true_noir_chloe]

Hm, a kiss? This was a worth-the-wait update, Kawaii. ^_______^

Sometimes slow is better. There are some problems, but nothing too glaring. It's late and I had to stay up and finish reading. Now that I'm done I will go to bed.

Thanks for the update. I hope I get to see Phyr again, and she's not left in the town, never to be seen again. T_T I would miss her.

[Kaori]

She looked away from Aethiel and down at her shoes, fiddling a piece of dried grass from the floor between her fingers.

You do a good job here portraying Cree’s fidgety gestures]With his simple words, Cree’s heart soared higher than she had ever imagined possible. She didn’t reply though, and only savored the moment with a smile as she leaned against the elf. To Cree that single moment was pure bliss. [/quote]
This whole section is so sweet--I like it. Your portrayal of her bemused, euphoric feelings just after this scene is also very convincing.

Sunlight no longer streamed through the overhead lights. It was a starless night, so only the light orbs and fragrant candles lit the room.

Nice description.

[quote="Kawaiikneko"]The elf cleared her throat, looking straight at Cree. “Yes, I have,â€

[Myoti]

This is great stuff, seriously. The style and story are just great. It makes ashamed at my own story... :cries:
Very good, and I look forward to more.


BTW, maybe you could see my story, "Solar Cycle". It doesn't seem to be quite the same calibur, so I could use some opinions and help...

[Kawaiikneko]

*o*/ sure!! Thanks for reading mine~

[Kawaiikneko]

A sharp pain ripped into Cree’s side as her eyes whipped open, her mind barely registering what she saw as her soul sat in an astonished daze.

Slowly the picture dripped into focus. Her hand was curled in a death grip at her side around Aethiel’s own; blood was beginning to leak from where her claws had punctured his skin. In his reddened hand was held a dagger, reddened likewise by Cree’s own blood. It had barely grazed her side enough to draw that blood, but had Cree been completely relaxed in the past few seconds it would have surely been between her ribs.

Haggard gasps escaped from Cree’s throat, her head thundered with adrenaline as her heart raced in her chest. Her hand twitched tighter around the dagger, snatching the control away from the elf as she subconsciously rammed the blade up to the hilt into the wooden beam behind her.

Then with excruciating pain, she met Aethiel’s eyes, searching and hoping for some explanation in them. Instead she found two dark voids that stared back at her with sudden fear haunting their depths.

Abruptly he leapt away from her as if scalded, backing away in fright. Cree had told him the reasons for her outbursts. The elf had every reason to be scared to the bone in the moment of his failure.

Cree slid down the wall as her legs failed her, buckling beneath her weight. Her mouth worked wordlessly as she tried to talk, ask, beg, for any explanation at all. She finally settled for simply, desolately, reaching out a wretched hand to him, her vision already being blurred by sudden tears.

He shrunk away from her and Cree’s heart withered. She tried one last time to croak out an intelligent question, only succeeding in saying his name. His cold eyes never melted, though they flicked to the dagger in the wall for but a second. Cree felt her heart being ripped from her chest.

A heart retching wail escaped her lips, twisted as they were with sobs. Cree knew it was coming. Her eyes were already beginning to burn with the morbidly familiar red. It blended with her tears and ran down her cheeks, but as she looked up at Aethiel, she struggled with all her might to hold it back. Her head pounded, her chest ached, her very soul felt as if it were about to be ripped to shreds by the power as she tried to suppress it.

Aethiel could very well see her eyes and froze completely, like an animal backed into a corner. His face twisted to utter fear, his legs twitching, but his feet not letting him move.

Through the red tears bleeding down her face, Cree attempted to offer him a pained, pitiful smile, a curling of the lips as it turned out. “Leave,â€

[Kawaiikneko]

With dark hair splayed over his red eyes and a wild curl of his lips, a familiar shadowbeing stood before her, clutching Baren in darkened claws at arms length. His fingers twitched erratically around the man’s neck as his eyes danced in an erotic display of hatred.

“Why were you touching my dear little daughter?â€

[Kawaiikneko]

And now everyone hates me! WOOT!! *cackles insanely*

sorry this wasn't that much.... I only have a tiny bit more typed, but I guess it was a good enough place to end it ^^

Criticism please~ ^o^/

[true_noir_chloe]

[quote]A blast of power slammed into Cree’s mind, drowning out her own thought in its wake. A familiar tingling buzzed at the back of her neck, the hair on her neck and arms standing on end. The shocks flowed down her spine restlessly, the power of them tenfold to the time she had felt the same thing before the fallen had killed her mother.

Face frozen in dread, Cree glanced around in a desperate attempt to find someone who would pay attention to her. “Everyone! Please take cover and put up strong barriers!â€

[Kawaiikneko]

ah thanks! I actually love this part but my friend linda hated me for it.. although she loved it too I'm sure. ^^

good luck looking for your lightening/lightning btw

[insanewitapen]

*twitch* that....was so...GREAT *is seriously shaking* I hate it yet I LUV THIS SO MUCH HES SO FLIPPIN EVIL~~~~~~!!! *twitch*twitch* ..so...great..tee I hate and luv you for THISS! XD

[Kawaiikneko]

The immense power of her father rolled over Cree, flattening her with its intensity. Staggering backwards against a storefront – rough brick scratching objectionably against her palms – her mouth hung agape in awe and terror. Cree’s eyes locked on the floating demon, his arms outstretched, as people around her scrambled for their lives like ants about to be stepped on. With a simple wave of his hand, people were blown away, at his glance houses and animals torn to pieces. This power was all too chokingly powerful for Cree to handle any longer. Sliding down the wall, scraping her back against the cragged surface, Cree stared helplessly, eyes darting in fear at the fire building around her.

The shocks of power hadn’t slowed in their travel down her spine, if anything only growing stronger with each minute. The nightchild spun around, seeming to stare straight at Cree through the rising smoke, and she could hear his echoing laughter in her head. Her body burned under his red-eyed stare as the vacant shell of her power was flooded over. Before Cree’s mind could even register what was happening, her body floated weightlessly into the air.

As she was pulled ever closer, Cree kicked and screamed violently against the pull, throwing a tantrum worthy of a toddler. Looming ever closer was the black form of her father, the fiery mist around him swirling in a hellish fashion. At every pass of the scorching hands reaching towards her Cree flinched away, letting a scream loose from her dry throat.

Then, all too soon for her liking, Cree was beside her father at the eye of the storm, looking down on the chaos as it rained below. To her relief there were at least a few pockets of people protected by barriers being held by strong mir-users across the town.

However, that was the extent of any good being done on the ground below. Even from their high vantage point, Cree could hear the anguished cries of the townsfolk scrambling for a never-coming safety. At every turn they were cut off by falling debris or a new explosion. The calls of the injured rose above the rest, wailing and screaming in agony. The shrieks poured over Cree, soaking and settling into her soul.

With a shriek, Cree curled into a ball, eyes squeezed shut to shun the terrible sight. Her father’s burning clutch on her shoulder jolted her back, tearing eyes wide with pain. Reluctantly, her view blurred, she watched the scene below unfold.

Black cloaked figures threw themselves on the ground, Cree recognizing them as a local cult. It made her stomach curl again, threatening to force its way into her throat. Her father noticed them as well, averting his blazing glare their way. As one caught fire, the rest shunted away from him, scattering like black spiders across the now rugged landscape of the town.

Cree could feel her mind going numb, loosing all conscious thought to the flames around her. Just as she felt truly gone, an abrupt, unnatural wind pierced through the fiery mist and enveloped Cree, jerking her away from her father. In that instant a wall of rock rose up between the two, separating Cree from his sight as well. Then out of the wall sprouted a jagged claw, cracking and groaning as it reached its stony fingers towards her. The breath in Cree’s lungs was choked out of her as it closed roughly around her, descending to the ground at a sickening rate.

Dust cleared as Cree burst through it and through the dirty haze her eyes were able to pick out a figure beside a column of white light. Wind blown hair hid her face; her skirts were blown so furiously that they stuck plastered to her legs, but even so Cree could recognized her from the way she stood, leaning cautiously back on one foot.

“Thatia! Run!â€

[Kawaiikneko]

The earthquakes ended immediately and the explosions all over the town died down until they had stopped completely. The air sounded quite unnaturally quiet as people with minimal injuries peeked out of their refuges at the calm blue sky. Bawling cries of children echoed round, mothers with babies clutched to their chests staring wide-eyed without any attempt to quiet the babes.

The nightchild had disappeared suddenly from the sky and the attacks had stopped, so after a few minutes a few survivors straggled nervously out of their places of refuge. With hatred-filled eyes, a group of men gathered towards the place Cree had fallen.

Their plans of attack were short lived when the nightchild appeared standing over Cree protectively, his eyes burning like hot coals. “Stay away from her,â€

[Kawaiikneko]

Hmmm I was able to type that faster than I thought. I hope its okay... enjoy

on another note... who saw that coming from a mile away?? >.> I hope I wasn't too predictable...

criticism please~

[true_noir_chloe]

The action scene almost was a little too wordy and it was hard to understand what was actually going on. Sometimes throwing in some more simple, passive sentences within the active sentences might help. Let me go back and look it over and I'll see if I can give you examples.

I wasn't sure what happened to Thatia. I was kind of hoping she would have fought the father off a bit better. But hey, that is your prerogative as the writer. You can do what you want. XDDD But... T_T Thatia should have kicked his tush.

I love that you don't hold back on the violence when it's needed. I mean, the father is ultra-evil and you conveyed that well.

Very good installment and it wasn't quite as predictable as you thought. I really expected Cree's inner power to come out or Thatia becoming stronger with the side of "Light" or something, but you chose to give the father the upper hand, and that was a surprise.

Anyway, I love your story and will keep reading it. *bravo* ^____^

[true_noir_chloe]

A hot claw dug into Cree’s shoulder, throwing her back ferociously and propelling the owner forward. Cree let out a howl of pain as she rolled though debris of glass and wood. Bloody scrapes splattered her arms and legs, her face a painting of slashes. Her tumble jerked to a stop when she slammed back-first into a splintered beam of wood. Cree slumped to the ground, her head swimming too much with pain for her to move at all.

This is where you lost me.

The nightchild shot forward towards the elf and her gateway, not even giving her a second to react before pinning her by the neck. With her peripheral vision, Cree watched in horror as an inferno enveloped the pair, twisting and devouring. Heat poured over Cree in torrents until she felt sick.

The flames crackled and dispersed into the air, leaving Cree to attempt to push herself up and stare in horror. Her father kneeled inside a black, charred circle, looking over at Cree with glowering eyes. For a minute in the least Cree stared at him through tear-blurred eyes, shocked into silence. The tears that trickled down her face stung the cuts on her face, blurring with the blood until they looked like muddy streams splotching her cheeks.

I was wrong about my earlier comments about wordiness. There is something else, but I'm not sure what to make of it. Maybe I'm just dense, but you lost me. Did he take out Thatia? o_o Noooooooo!

After that, you kind of changed the pace and I wasn't sure who had the upper hand. I just know that at the end of the writing the Dad was glowering and giving orders to the little girl.

I'm sorry, I just got a little confused and your writing came off a little more wordy and less point-by-point or play-by-play action. You seemed to only be throwing in some comments about pain and scrapes and it got a bit laborious to read all the ways Cree had pain. *hehe* ^__^;;; Sorry, I hate to say this, since I love your story. But, that was my critique and it wasn't a very good critique. I really need to look this over more.

Maybe Kaori will know what I'm trying to convey, because I am doing a very poor job of it.

Please, don't take this as bad. I still love your story very much.

[Kawaiikneko]

*loves you so much*

Thanks soo much! I'm glad to have feedback on this to know what I'm doing wrong. I wanted to write with more detail, but I guess it just ended up being wordy.

To explain the thing with Thatia and how she suddenly got "stronger", she was using mir, which is like magic I guess and lots of people can use. All elves can use earth mir, and Thatia can also use air mir. She was using it to try to get Cree down to her so they could get through the gateway to Faalen. It may be confusing because Cree's dad is transporting all over the place. I also wrote it in what I hoped was a way that showed the hopelessness of the situation and the fact that Cree's father was so much more powerful than mortals and doing supernatural things that Thatia and Cree couldn't stand up against. In these worlds, only winged ones have any chance of killing demons, so Thatia really had no chance. She was just trying to get Cree away... once again lots of cultural stuff that would be explained in the other story.

I'm planning to re-write all of this eventually. However I REALLY need to finish this by the end of the school year because I want to give it to a teacher who's gonna be leaving next year.

Thanks for your critique! You're showing me I was just trying too hard on the description and thats good to know.

[Kaori]

I seem to have missed an update while I was away, so I will try to cover both this chapter and the previous one.

on another note... who saw that coming from a mile away?? >.> I hope I wasn't too predictable...

As far as the predictability of the story goes: it isn’t. Had I thought about it, I could have guessed that Cree’s father would have shown up at some point or another, since it is something that Cree has worried about quite a bit. However, I would not have guessed the specific moment he chose to appear, and (like true_noir_chloe said) the fact that he has won for the time being was a bit surprising.

In the previous chapter, Aethiel’s betrayal was a complete surprise to me. This may partly be because I was away for about a week, but I was initially a bit confused about what was going on—I was not sure whether the action in the beginning of “And It All Came Tumbling Downâ€

[Kawaiikneko]

Thankyou! ^o^

I changed the "A hot claw dug into Cree’s shoulder, throwing her back ferociously and propelling the owner forward." sentence already a little bit, but its good to know what else to change there. Basically he's pushing her backwards as he runs forward, but I wasn't quite sure how to portray that.... I don't like the pacing for that whole little section, but I think I can work it out eventually.

The arm coming out of the wall is Thatia using earth mir. *nodnod*

[true_noir_chloe]

For example, is Thatia dead? If so, it is brave of you to kill such a major character.

Yes, brave... but. oh. so. cruel.

BTW, what is mir? and, should it be capitalized?

[Myoti]

Well, a little confusing, but this story is still great.
And we finally get to see some real action! Woo-hoo!

God has blessed with you some amazing writing skills, and I hope you continue to use it to the fullest.

Can't wait to see the next part. And BTW, what did happen to Thaita?

[Kawaiikneko]

*nodnod* she's dead and burnt to ashes.... ^^;

Alright, as I said the story takes place in Gwaedh. In this alternate universe, demons assume physical form in the connected 5 worlds. While their main jobs remain in the spiritual realm, the things they do in the physical realm are considered, in a way, their leisure time. These horrible actions are used to take the focus of people off of their acts in the spiritual world. Another thing that makes this universe different than ours is the existense of mir. Mir is a gift given by God that can do things that shouldn't physically be possible. It has different elements. The race that has the most mir is the lyate.

I hope that answers some. Its mostly with elemental stuff... And only certain people have it. Most humans and delphinae don't, but all lyate elves and gatomye can use at least a little.