Aldean Chronicles - Episodes 2&3

[starwarsboy90]

Hey Everyone, here's Episodes 2&3. You can check the website out at http://starwarsboy90.tripod.com/
Some replies would be nice though

[Magekind]

First, let me begin by picking some of your pieces all to... pieces.

"Then he saw a small village up ahead. It was small, "

Really? He saw a small village, that wasn't very big, and somewhat minute in size? Just making sure...

Hm. Looking for trouble? You've come to the right place. A bit too convenient, IMO...

"The priestess looked at for a long moment before finally speaking."

Looked at him, I'm assuming.

Combat scene looks good so far...


Actually, they didn't omit a terrible groaning sound, just FYI. They emitted one. That's why she could hear it.

How modern is this? It sounds like you're trying to do the feudal Japan thing. If so, how would they know the word, "OK"? Sorry. A favorite thing of mine to pick on.

Good fight scene. Couldn't have done better meself. The half-breed's magic was alright, too.

All in all, episode 2 is simple and efficient. Without knowing anything of the characters, I have gained a fair knowledge of them, and a deeper interest in the whole thing. Now to pick the next episode to pieces.

[Magekind]

Ooh, a fight. How do I know there's going to be a fight? Because you said so. Deadly encounter. There can be only one.

I like the way this is falling together. Misunderstanding after misunderstanding...

Uhh, nnneehh, dunno if I can handle this whole Gabriel bit...

Still working out nicely. Got stuck in the fight scene too deeply to do this little commenting thing...

Aww, he died. Well, not really. Nothing new to pick on in that episode. Fairly understandable, we get a better visual of who we're dealing with than in the previous. Good, then.

[starwarsboy90]

Well Magekind, the first few episodes still have a few kinks in them, which you did point out. Well, as you continue to read, the series will get more into depth of the characters. THere's alot happening and alot going to happen, but then again as of right now, I'm the only writer for the series. So if you looking for a position, and your thoughts, just let me know. P.S, it's not a fuedal Japan thing, since this story takes place on another planet in another far away galaxy, even before the Roman Empire existed on Earth, yet these people are in their own fuedal, midieval area of technology.

[Magekind]

Yeah, I thought about that long after I had commented. Also, thinking a little more on the convenience of the trouble, it does make sense. Getting to know the character, it isn't too convenient for him.