Borealis (A Quite Short Story)

[mastersquirrel]

This short story came from an idea for a story I've been thinking about. I figured that a way to see if I think I could pull off the full story was to write a short story with the same principle. Anyway, this is the rough draft of the short story. Nothing has been changed or editted, so feel free to point out grammatical or spelling errors where you see 'em.

~~~

“The weather man was wrong again. There isn’t a cloud in the sky.â€

[Esoteric]

Hmm, A.I. One of the most controvertial and difficult matters in sci-fi. Do they have rights, or not? I think your dilemma is good so far. I like the internal dialogue Dan is going through and it sets the stage nicely. The only thing that stoped me, was...

What would happen if she was no longer needed? If they got all the information they needed from her and the virtual world she and the other AIs lived in, what would happen? Would the world just be tossed aside like an outdated computer? Would they erase all those personalities? Would they kill them?

Would they kill them? Killing is a term reserved for living beings. Since he is debating whether Lauren is a living being or a program, this does not fit. The question which I think would be on his mind instead would be... "if they erase all those personalities...is that the same as killing?"
But other than that, I liked it.

[mastersquirrel]

Would they kill them? Killing is a term reserved for living beings. Since he is debating whether Lauren is a living being or a program, this does not fit. The question which I think would be on his mind instead would be... "if they erase all those personalities...is that the same as killing?"
But other than that, I liked it.

I see what you mean, but the point is that from his interaction with Lauren, he's starting to think of her more as a real person than a program. The thought of killing there is to give you a sense of just how far his thoughts on this matter have grown.

[Esoteric]

I certainly agree, having Dan call it killing tips his hand. Because of that comment the reader already knows which side he's on, which is okay if you want to reveal this so early. I'm just sayin that's what it does.

[mastersquirrel]

Well in an actual full story of this I wouldn't want it revealed very early, but since this is just a short story test I figured I'd go ahead with it to see how it wold work.

[mastersquirrel]

I believe that sometime over the summer I'm gonna sti down and figure out how this story would go, and start writing the actual thing ocne I think I've got a good enough grasp of how I want toe story to go.

Also, I figured I might as well say this here since you seem to be the one reading it Esoteric, I just wanted to say that I am still writing that other story that just kinda disappeared. I've changed some stuff around, such as the main character's age and he's no longer fresh out of college. I didn't think that seemed very plausible at all. I've also changed much of the opening scene, because I didn't like how it just kinda threw you into this situation without you knowing much of anything about the main character. I might post it sometime, but I don't know. I really want to have a great majority of the book done before I actually start sharing it again, for fear that I might end up feeling rushed and I don't put forth my best effort.

[Kaori]

Dan quickly pushed aside this thought and focused on getting home. He walked silently, hands in his pockets, all alone, except for a single orange and black striped butterfly, which danced and flittered through the empty air.

The use of thise detail from earlier in the story here at the end is effective]Well in an actual full story of this I wouldn't want it revealed very early, but since this is just a short story test I figured I'd go ahead with it to see how it wold work.[/quote]
Are you planning on rewriting the entire story? If you are, or if you are making substantial revisions, one suggestion that I would make is to not tell us all of Dan's thoughts and opinions about AI at once. In this story, there is a high amount of internal monologue relative to the external plot. Ideally, it would be good if some of the things that he thinks to himself could be revealed through his actions during the course of the story rather than simply being given to the reader by letting us see inside his head.

In general, though, this isn't a bad start; your use of details (the butterfly, the ice cream) is effective, and those details are the type of thing that would be likely to help endear Lauren to your readers (assuming that is one of your goals).

[Esoteric]

Also, I figured I might as well say this here since you seem to be the one reading it Esoteric, I just wanted to say that I am still writing that other story that just kinda disappeared. I've changed some stuff around, such as the main character's age and he's no longer fresh out of college. I didn't think that seemed very plausible at all.

Cool dude, don't give up on a story you think is good. I must confess I have plenty of unfinished stories myself that I want to write but just can't seem to get time and talent to cooperate on. It's good to hear you're still thinking about it...and changing things. The overall story is likely improve by such prolonged thought.

[mastersquirrel]

[quote="Kaori"]The use of thise detail from earlier in the story here at the end is effective]
Thanks.


[quote="Kaori"]Are you planning on rewriting the entire story? If you are, or if you are making substantial revisions, one suggestion that I would make is to not tell us all of Dan's thoughts and opinions about AI at once. In this story, there is a high amount of internal monologue relative to the external plot. Ideally, it would be good if some of the things that he thinks to himself could be revealed through his actions during the course of the story rather than simply being given to the reader by letting us see inside his head.

In general, though, this isn't a bad start]
Yes, I am planning on eventually writing a full-length story. I have a general idea for the plot already, but the specifics about when things happen and what goes on inbetween are still fuzzy. The purpose of this writeup was just to get a feel for the later elements of the story, when Dan starts to think about Lauren as a real person.

I'm also considering changing one thing, that Lauren was actually born of two AIs. This little detail changes quite a bit about Lauren, making it to where no one actually wrote the code that makes her work. I still haven't decided if this is how it'll go or not, I kinda like having it where Dan created her, but I'm still undecided.

[Esoteric]

I'm also considering changing one thing, that Lauren was actually born of two AIs. This little detail changes quite a bit about Lauren, making it to where no one actually wrote the code that makes her work. I still haven't decided if this is how it'll go or not, I kinda like having it where Dan created her, but I'm still undecided.

That would indeed change quite a lot. One thing I want to clarify, the programmers who are making these AI's are specifically trying to make them human, correct? Otherwise, I see no reason for requiring two AI's to be involved. (There's nothing biological about an AI.) However, I'm assuming you want Lauren to be created by two programs combining portions of their own code to create a unique random entity. On that note, I can only foresee this occuring if the programmers allowed for this ability in the coding of the first two AI's. If not, it would introduce a disturbing lack of control over the AIs, which might cause the programmers to shut the experiment down. Or perhaps you're planing to use that too.

[kryptech]

Nice... I'd be interested in reading a larger version of this!

[quote="mastersquirre"]“I wonder how it got to look like that… maybe it ate a tiger!â€

[mastersquirrel]

Oops, missed the new comments.

I found these nuances of human interaction and personality made Lauren seem like a very real human child.

Thanks. That's what I was really aiming for with that section of the story. I'm still trying to figure out how to work Lauren's introduction in the full story though.

That would indeed change quite a lot. One thing I want to clarify, the programmers who are making these AI's are specifically trying to make them human, correct? Otherwise, I see no reason for requiring two AI's to be involved. (There's nothing biological about an AI.) However, I'm assuming you want Lauren to be created by two programs combining portions of their own code to create a unique random entity. On that note, I can only foresee this occuring if the programmers allowed for this ability in the coding of the first two AI's. If not, it would introduce a disturbing lack of control over the AIs, which might cause the programmers to shut the experiment down. Or perhaps you're planing to use that too.

Thanks for your ideas, they're really helpful. I'm still not entirely sure whether I want to do that or not. I kinda like that Dan created her, and it would be an interesting point later on in the story, but I'm still just not sure.

One thing I am sure of though, more ideas for the full story have finally started to show themselves. I'm starting to really like where this story could end up going.

[USSRGirl]

Very interesting and well told with a slightly diabolical twist. ^_-