CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

I seem to pop in and out of this forum, and every time I do, I usually feel bad because I feel like I should be more of a regular. At any rate, this is my first completed story after a long span of writer's block.

This was written for no particular reason, other than to express the backstory of one of my characters in a more creative way - I'm just stretching in the literary sense, you could say, and am looking for some feedback. <3

And finally, I hope that the title doesn't make this sound more exciting than it really is. :p


The room I was escorted into was sparsely furnished, with a table, two chairs, and a vast expanse of white walls. The floor was immaculate and smelled almost too sterile, and above my head shone innumerable fluorescent lights. This room wasn’t a compact space by any means, and very well lit, but the solemn, stagnant air inside reminded me very specifically of a confessional.

An attendant very graciously pulled out one of the chairs for me, and nervously I sat, hands folded in lap, briefcase by my feet. “We’ll bring him out shortly.â€

To start out, I thought that the use of external indications of emotion was effective. For example:

Kokoro Daisuke wrote:Again he paused as I fumbled with my stationary.

Lines like this give us an idea of what the narrator is feeling without his having to state it explicitly]His words, the little gestures he had made as he spoke, and my thoughts, all recorded in a seemingly mindless flurry.[/quote]

This is a nice line, but I would actually like to see more of those gestures. You mention the twirling of the plastic ID band, but other than that, you don’t tell us much about what this character is doing physically.

I’m unsure of how effective the final line is. I like the metaphor of the confessional, but it raises questions that aren’t answered by the story: people go to confession to receive absolution, but it is doubtful whether the ‘madman’ has gained anything from the experience. If anything, it seems that the reporter is the one who has been changed by the experience—the opposite of what one would expect from an actual confessional. I’m also a bit unsure of how the narrator came to have a feeling of respect; he’s shown definite signs of nervousness throughout the story, but without knowing more about his thought process, this line at the end seems a bit abrupt.

Overall, the story has a more objective, detached feel than is usual for a first person narrative—and I like that objective quality. Part of it is the description of the characters’ external reactions, as I mentioned earlier, but it also comes from the fact that the narrator’s opinions are usually set off by phrases like “I feltâ€

Kokoro Daisuke wrote:The room I was escorted into was sparsely furnished, with a table, two chairs, and a vast expanse of white walls.

I do not think that you need a comma after furnished.

Kokoro Daisuke wrote:This room wasn’t a compact space by any means, and very well lit, but the solemn, stagnant air inside reminded me very specifically of a confessional.

This sentence sounded awkward to me.

[quote="Kaori"]I’m unsure of how effective the final line is. I like the metaphor of the confessional, but it raises questions that aren’t answered by the story: people go to confession to receive absolution, but it is doubtful whether the ‘madman’ has gained anything from the experience. If anything, it seems that the reporter is the one who has been changed by the experience—the opposite of what one would expect from an actual confessional. I’m also a bit unsure of how the narrator came to have a feeling of respect]I would tend to disagree with this. I rather liked the ending. The somber fade seemed to fit with the rest of the story. I also liked the element of the confession. I liked the ironic edge it injected into the story (I am not necessarily using the word ironic in its purest sense here).

Overall, it was written very well. I really liked the story.

I'm terrible at critiquing other people's work, so I'll just say that I liked it. :3 It has a good flow.