my story

[stripe man]

HELP ME! I need some help with this story. I need a title and tell me if I need to add some thing oh F.O.C stands for followers Of Christ. So my story.








Chapter one
Bump bump "AHHH!" "What is it!" "My coffee spilt on my leg!" Ricky was in the back seat of his father's old red Ford with his (tamed) pet tiger serg
waiting for the everyday ordinary dad spilt coffe on his leg when they went over a bump day, however this was no ordinary day.

There where three people in the Ford: the first was Ricky's dad profeser David Burn, who's Theolgy was famous worldwide. He had smooth black hair and dark blue eyes, he had a dark tan from staying outside to long in the deserts of Israel. The second was Branden Burn. First born in the Burn family and had just graduated from high school. He had black curly hair green eyes and a light tan from helping his father on digs. The third was Ricky Burn, he'd just past sixth grade and had dirty dish water blound hair, and had blue eyes. He was realy looking forward to summer vacation river rafting, sking, sledding and hailo diving. all of which had Ricky's name on it or so he thought? Oh sorry I almost forgot Serg the tiger who was given that name for the lightning stripes on his blue fur. (don't ask I'll explain later) He had bloodred eyes that could make anyone (who didn't know he was tamed) qiver in fear and hope the monster (that's what the teacher's who saw him called him)would go away.

.
"So dad."Ricky said. "Don't keep me in suspence." "Where are we going?" "Well I was th..." profeser Burns was inturupted by the ringing of his cell phone. he fliped it open and anserd. "Yes... what?!? No... yes sir." I'll be right there bye." He put his cell back in his shirt pocket. "Well? where are we going?" Riky asked. "Were going to F.O.C." profeser Burns said. Ricky looked at serg. What was f.o.c?

Prof. Burns swerved right and landed in a river! "AHHHHHHHH!!" Ricky screamed. "Where gona die ahhhhwahhhhhaaaaa." then Ricky fainted.The last thing Ricky heard was Brandon (who says his first words on page two) yell "wa who," and his dad say "I'm getting to old for this."

when Ricky came to he thouhgt he saw an angel. It was a girl angel her hair was long and fair. Her green eyes where lovely and Riky tought she was beautiful.

[Linksquest]

I think you have a pretty interesting story there. I don't know where you are going with it, so I don't know what would be a good title for it yet. If you write more, or write the whole thing first, then you might be able to come up with a title. After all, it's better to have a bad title for a good story, than a good title for a bad story.

There are a few spelling and grammar mistakes in there, but I think those could be corrected easily.

I like the descriptions you gave when describing the characters. You should write some more!

[Anna Mae]

Here are some suggestions

Chapter one
Bump bump "AHHH!" "What is it!" "My coffee spilt on my leg!" [If each of these is a different person talking, each one should be indented.]Ricky was in the back seat of his father's old red Ford with his (tamed) pet tiger Serg
waiting for the everyday ordinary dad spilt coffe on his leg when they went over a bump day. However, this was no ordinary day.

There where three people in the Ford: the first was Ricky's dad, professor David Burn, whose Theolgy [Is "Theology" a specific work of his? If not, it should not be capitalized.]was famous worldwide. He had smooth black hair and dark blue eyes. His skin had a dark tan from staying outside too long in the deserts of Israel. The second person in the Ford was Branden Burn. He was the firstborn of the Burn family and had just graduated from high school. He had black curly hair green eyes and a light tan from helping his father on digs. [Try to avoid starting two sentences in a row with the same letter.]The third was Ricky Burn. He had just passed sixth grade, had dish water blond hair, and blue eyes. He was realy looking forward to a summer vacation full of river rafting, sking, sledding and hailo diving. All of which had Ricky's name on it or so he thought? [This is an incomplete sentence.]Oh, sorry! I almost forgot Serg the tiger, who was given that name for the lightning stripes on his blue fur. (don't ask; I'll explain later) He had bloodred eyes that could make anyone (who didn't know he was tamed) qiver in fear and hope the monster (that's what the teachers called him) would go away.

. [Why is this here?]
"So dad," Ricky said, "don't keep me in suspence. Where are we going?"
"Well I was th..." profeser Burns was inturupted by the ringing of his cell phone. He fliped it open and answered, "Yes... what?!? No... yes sir. I'll be right there. Bye." He put his cell back in his shirt pocket.
"Well? Where are we going?" Riky asked.
"We're going to F.O.C.[Presumably this is a change of plans. Indicate that.]" professor Burns said. Ricky looked at Serg. What was F.O.C?

Prof. Burns swerved right and landed in a river![This part seems... weird.] "AHHHHHHHH!!" [I would eliminate the "AHH!" part]Ricky screamed. "We're gonna die ahhhhwahhhhhaaaaa!" Then Ricky fainted. The last thing Ricky heard was Brandon (who says his first words on page two) yell "Wahoo," [b][Didn't he just say something now?]and his dad say,
"I'm getting to old for this."

When Ricky regained conciousness he thouhgt he saw an angel. It was a feminine angel with long, fair hair. Her green eyes where lovely and Ricky thought thatshe was beautiful.

[stripe man]

Thanks I didn't see all of those mistakes.