Heartstealers

[Kawaiikneko]

To anyone who read my Broken Heart short thing, this is a sort of continuation of the idea. Tell me what you think!

To anyone who's just reading this one; yes, the hearts are literal trinkets.

On with the story! I have one chapter written and I'm writing very slowly on the second one. I have the idea but I'm struggling to put it down, so updates on this will be SLOW, if at all. =]


A dark cloud settled over a moss-covered house as evening fell over the small wayside town. Crowded against the half-closed door of a dank and musty room, a mother and a family friend were peeking at the reclining figure within.

“Poor Teresa,â€

[Kawaiikneko]

Alice screwed up her jaw and tugged harder on Marie’s arm. “Then stop being cruel. You already rejected the boy; there’s no need to taunt him as well.â€

[Anna Mae]

Well, I don't have time to finish all of this right now, but from what I have read so far I have been pleasantly surprised. I particularly appreciate your correctly placed prepositions and sarcasm. I look forward to reading the rest of this.

[Kaori]

I remember seeing the earlier version of this story and thinking that the concept was interesting; I’m curious to see how it will turn out.

You do a beautiful job in the opening scene of describing Teresa’s gestures and facial expressions as a way of showing the audience what she is feeling. I also liked the description later on of why Alice thinks the pink dress doesn’t look good on her; it’s a good descriptive paragraph that gives me a vivid picture of her as I read. The line “She [Marie] would shine in the dress, instead of being overshadowed by itâ€

[Kawaiikneko]

No, men do not have hearts =] Well... at least not the trinkets. They can fall in love without them. Women can't fall in love without giving away their heart trinket.

It'll be made more clear in the next chapter, but the man Marie was waving to in the street and the man who stole her heart are not the same people.


I'm glad you're enjoying it! I've already had alot of comments about the description issue... my half-baked answer is that I have a hard time writing description because when I read books I tend to ignore the description and picture places, people, ect. as words and not images. I also wanted to try writing a story where I could use bare minimum description and let the reader form their own picture... On the other hand, alot of people seem to not like that so I'll probably change it.