Medical Mishap Ep. 1

[Mister]

(Camera scrolls down on military outpost in wilderness)

Grahm: Ok, here's the plan! First we're going to come up with a plan. . . then we're going to follow the plan!

Tam: What if the plan doesn't work and we all, like, die or something I don't want to happen?. . .Well . . . Jarvous can die if need be . . .

Jarvous: you know i'm standing right here right?

(Camera switches into the interior of the infirmary)


Tam: Yeah, I know, that's kinda why i said it.

Jarvous: Ok time for my fist to meet the inside of your forehead!

Grahm: Shut it, Freeloaders!

Jarvous: Did he just call us. . . Freeloaders?

Tam: Yeah, pretty much.

Grahm: First off, Tam, stop being a pansy and a killjoy. You need to man up and become a Kill Jarvous instead!

Jarvous: HEY!

Tam: But i'm a female.

(long pause)

Grahm: Stop lying to me son, we all know a girl could never look that ugly. Unless it was Jarvous, he may be a girl and that ugly.


(twelve minutes later)



Grahm: And that is how we successfully conquer Arkansas! by dis-unifying them via new laws passed against interfamly marriage and the ban of twinkies!

Jarvous: Is it just me or did we just lose twelve minutes of our life listening to the second worst plan ever. . .in all of history. . .of eternity. . . always. . . and for--

Tam: OK! We get the point Jarvous! So, Grahm. . .

Grahm: That's Medical Sgt. Grahm Sir to you son!

Tam: I'm not a guy!. . .Ok fine!. . .Medical Sgt. Ghram, Sir. Arkansas isn't a country.

Jarvous: Did he say dis-unifying?

Grahm: Of course it is Medical Nurse Private Tammy!

Grahm mumbling to self* --Although I don't know why a guy would want to be a nurse. . . or why his parent's named him Tammy. . .

Jarvous: Is that even a word? Where's my dictionary?

Tam: Gah! Jarvous shut up! Leave Sgt. Hack-n-Chop to his bad grammar!

Grahm: Sgt. Hack-n-Chop!? who's he!?

Jarvous: Your twin Sherlock. . .

Grahm: Now, if I didn't know that you were too lazy to do it, I might have thought that was insubordination, Pvt. Jarvous!

Jarvous: You know me sir, only up for the ladies!

Tam: Pig...

Jarvous: Hey! What can I say? I can't keep them off me!

Grahm: That's not what they said.

Jarvous: Wait. . . did the galactic balance just tilt? Or did Sgt. McKnifey over there just try to burn me?

Grahm: I'll Mckniefy you! You over sized puss bag! Come here, runt boy!

Jarvous: Oh, God, no! Sargent! I'm sorry! Don't remove my toe nails please! It took me soo long to super glue them back on last time!

Tam: Ew. . . Gross. . .



(Sgt. Grahm chases Pvt. Jarvous around surgery tables and shelving.)


Tam: Guys!? Really? Someone is going to get hurt!

Grahm: Its ok! This is a high tech medical facility! So I'm sure we can reattach Jarvous' severed legs and ears!

Jarvous: WHAT! My legs and ears aren't severed!

Grahm: Not yet anyway, but one never knows when stuh-ray-nge things will happen!

Jarvous: You mean like getting a pay raise or more then three hours of off base leave?

Grahm: No numb nipples! Like me hacking you into tinny bits! Now, get over here you limp noodle!

Tam: Did he just call you "limp noodle?"

Jarvous: Yes he did. . . now its personal. . .


(scene change to Base Parameter)


Carponzo: THIS SUCKS! THIS TOTALLY SUCKS!

Sally: It's not all bad, Carponzo. Really! Our pay is decent, three meals a day, clothes, a job. Now, sure we stand out in the rain and cold for seven days a week, and the commander gets to sit in his well guarded bunke and eat steak and...

Carponzo: STOP!! JUST. . . stop. . . I wasn't talking about that anyways!

Sally: Oh!? Then, what were you talking about?

Carponzo: This new vacuum cleaner, the Sucker 20,000! It's totally awesome!

Sally: Wow. . . that's just. . . wow. . .

Carponzo: I know right!? I got it from that new supply officer over at Bravo base for--

Sally: Wait, you were at Bravo base? When!? We've been here for the past three months! like, in this same spot!. . .Litterally!

Carponzo: Well, duh! I had a native go buy it for me. He's a really cool guy. All he wanted in return was some information on our patrol patterns, troop placements, supplies stashes. . . you know insignificant stuff.


(Sally glares at Carponzo for a long time)


Carponzo: What!? What did I do!?

Sally: Y-. . .You!!!!. . . I'm. . . gonna. . .throttle. . .hurt. . .maim. . .kill. . . self restraint. . . not successful!!!!. . . WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT DID YOU DO!!!!!!!! YOU JUST GAVE OUT HIGH PRIORITY INFORMATION TO SOMEONE WHO MAY BE AN INSURGENT FOR A VACUUM CLEANER! AND WE DON'T EVEN HAVE CARPET!!!

Carponzo: Yeah!? Well at least I'm not a grown man who's married and is named Sally!

Sally: WHAT!? what does that have to do with anything!?


(brush rustles beyond camera view)


Sally: Wait. . . Did you hear that!?

Carponzo: Yeah. . . Oh! Maybe it's the guy who's bringing me that kitchen dinette set I bought from Zulu Base!

Sally: You sicken me. . .

(Screen change, back to Infirmary. Sgt Grahm has Pvt Jarvous on the floor tied up)

Jarvous: Why does this feel like a part from Broke Back Mountain?

Tam: Oh God. . .

Grahm: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that

Tam: Too late, I already feel my brain melting.

Grahm: Well Dick it seems your fate is set!

Jarvous: You mean sealed?

Grahm: Yeah whatever. . . Now it's time to get down to the gritty-nitty. . .

Jarvous: You mean "Nitty-Gritty". . .

Grahm *mutters hatefully*: I'm. . .going to. . .kill you. . .

Jarvous: Yeah, no duh Sherlock I think we've already established that.

Tam: Just kill him already. . . please. . .

Grahm: No! We haven't inflicted the proper amount of pain!

Tam: We?

Jarvous: Proper!? What is proper about inflicting pain!?

Grahm: Stop asking Irrelevant questions!

Jarvous: Irrelevant!? How is concern for my well being irrelevant!?

Tam: Grahm has a point...

Jarvous: Shut up Tam!


*Explosion rocks Infirmary*


Grahm: Great Hammer of Thor!

Jarvous: What was that!?


*Carponzo and Sally run by entrance screaming like little girls*

Tam: I think we're under attack....

Jarvous: Man! You shoulda been in the intelligence agency!

Grahm: Ok maggots! Let's get trucking! Let's blow this popcicle stand! We're being over run!



Tam: What!? How do you know!? You haven't even checked!



*Group of insurgents rush by entrance*


Jarvous: staring blankly

Grahm: also staring blankly

Tam: . . . shut up. . .

Jarvous: Not a word. . .



CONCLUSION EPISODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!