CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

"Why are you helping me?"

The small voice of the young girl sounded like thunder in Raphael's ears. Raphael knelt at the corner of long dark passageway, three hundred miles down in the depths of the caverns so appropriately named, "The Deep". Raph's infrared scope flashed slightly as he turned to face the girl. He had found her crying in a dark corner, alone and afraid.

Raphael had rescued her from the darkness, and the sentry bots who roamed the darkness, annihilating all human life they crossed. Together they had traveled several miles until becoming pinned down by two forces of Sentries.

"Well I..."

Raphael was thrown forward, mid-sentence, as the wall behind him shattered under the force of a concussion blast from one Sentry Bot. As Raph scidded accross the floor, he rolled over and launched a savage burst of fire into the Sentry. The large, Humanoid, Machine lurched and crumpled as it's power core burst and melted its insides.

Immediately Raphael was up and moving, Scooping up the girl as he ran. Woops and buzzes resounded downt he corridor after them as the Senties gave chase. For the next few brutal days Raph and the girl ran, fought and ran again.

But room was running out, Raph knew they were being hurded somewhere. Then he knew, Knew just how foolish he'd been, how careless. The Sentries were herding them away from any Towns in The Deep. Chasing them out into the Wild Caverns were the Sentry's central hub lay.

"No!"

The cry came from his side, the voice of a small girl. As Raph turned his right arm was torn from him, his body being launched accross the corridor and slamming brutally into the far wall. Raph lost the rifle and alot of blood in the transaction. But Raphael Morteri was a man of the Deep, and he'd never die so easily. Rising from his landing position, a crumpled mess on the floor, He whipped up a plasma pistol and incinerated the Attacking Senty's spine.

As the Monster Machine fell away in mechanical death, Raph gathered up the girl and sat down against the wall. The girl continued to moan in fear and terror.

"Sshh.. it'll be alright."

Raph cooed to the girl, and his left hand stroked her long black hair. But he knew even then thousands of Sentries were closing in, swarming on the edge of the dim light emmitting from his Crystal Star, a small gem that followed him from behind and above.

Raphael slipped a small two shot pistol from his belt and cocked the lever.

"I won't let them hurt you sweety."

Raph's voice was calm and smooth, sincere.

"Mister, you have the kindest heart of anyone i've ever known."

Raphael smilled at her and kissed her forehead, hugging her to him with his one arm. Raph lifted the pistol then and the Crystal Star went dark. Somewhere in the dark a flash and a gunshot resounded. Then a second followed.


*Epilogue*

Decades later in the same tunnel, a troop of Deep Townsmen Soldiers cantered up to the scene. Several knowing soldiers gave a nod to the two forms laying on the floor, then continued on. The less experianced ones crept closer for a better look. What they saw was the bones of a small girl resting in the arms of a seeming young man, his body and skin in perfect condition.

The young soldiers shared questioning looks at eachother and then marched away. hours later once the soldiers had departed, The Crystal Star ignited again, as a lone figure rose from the floor. The figure stretched and worked his new right arm. Regeneration always foor it out of him.

With only a glance down at the bones, Raphael turned and started off in the direction he'd been heading those long decades ago when he met the little girl.

umm..... ok? odd thing to place down. though astrology is unreliable and fake?

The premise is interesting.

Some issues with spelling (e.g., you dropped the r in "sentry" a few times), and grammar ("scooping" shouldn't be capitalized).

Also, the ending confuses me a bit. Did Raphael kill her, or just survive the Sentries when she didn't?

To comment on the astrology stuff coming up, I'm assuming the confusion comes from the girl calling Raphael "Mister". (Your username. However, I don't think it looks like you're in the story.) But there's no mention of astrology (or even birthdays) in this piece, so you don't really have to worry about it. And, uh, whether you'd pay attention to that anyway would really depends on beliefs. (I wouldn't.)

This would be a really great Cyberpunk piece I think.

I like how the whole rise and fall of the action take place mostly in a very limited span of time ie. when they are running for their lives.

You have a few big technical questions to answer: did Raphael absorb her body energy, killing her and then regenerated, or did he try to protect her from the blast of the stealth bots? Did he feel remorseful of her death, or did he just fake caring about her and went along his way? Why did it take so long for him to regenerate? Why were only her bones left?

Why is he helping her?

I can only assume that he was a survivor, looking out for himself in a hostile world, and a creature which could regenerate by using another human's life. Enough for an arm?
Some suggestions about how you could go about revising this piece would be: provide/hint at details that clue us in on what kind of creatures there are out there (maybe the "Raphael was a man of this planet" was an attempt at that, but I figured it wasn't a strong enough hint) that could survive this kind of environment.
Create more of an apparent conflict between what he "should be like" (survivor/selfish monster) and how he's acting, but not so much that it gives away the ending.
And at the end to make us really know what he's feeling about her, have him do an action physically that symbolizes that feeling towards her.
Great start to a short story.

I agree that it is a great start to a short story!
While being vague at the start can make the story VERY drawing, explaining things at the end wraps the story up. I love how you draw your readers in with mysterious sentences, but you do need to work on clearing things up. It's killer not getting it because the story draws out curiosity. I would absolutely love to see a great 'wrapper-upper'. I also agree that this could become a great Cyberpunk!