Full Armor 7© Light novel

[Red_web_city]

Hi everyone at CAA, I finally wrote my first light novel, and built my own website to promote it. Heres the link to the novel https://www.evernote.com/shard/s279//sh ... a512316c21

I would love to hear from you about it. The art work is on the bottom of the page, hope you enjoy.

[goldenspines]

Moved to Writing, which is a more appropriate place for your novel. ^_^

[Red_web_city]

Thank you goldenspines, if anyone likes the novel, and wishes to partake in the project, feel free to join the website for it www.FullArmor7project.com

Thank you for your comments

[Ante Bellum]

Well. I could give a critique, but I'd be blunt about it. It depends on whether or not you want it.

[Red_web_city]

Shoot

[Red_web_city]

Feel free to comment on my Full Armor 7 novel. Whether you think or sucks, has potential or really liked it...I'm always open for suggestions

[Ante Bellum]

I'll talk about the story first. To get the biggest point out of the way: it's too flawed to have potential. That is, the premise is implausible and the story contains several massive plot holes. I might jump around a bit, so bear with me.
The boy genius character might work for younger audiences, but he's too smart regardless. The second most advanced borg (I'll get to the use of this word in a moment, but for now I'll use it) ever built shouldn't need improvements, especially not those designed and made by a child in an impossibly short amount of time. And this boy not only builds borgs, but he completely invented his own martial arts style? That's too much for anyone to do, even a genius.
As for borgs, before I continue. I assume that's derived from cyborg. Thing is, these aren't cyborgs. They're androids (well, male types are androids, female types are the lesser-used term gynoid, but android is usually used for all; I will differentiate if I come to it though). Also, doesn't "Borg" usually refer to the Star Trek race?
Getting more in depth about the robots as a whole. It sounds like they're pretty much incorporated into two aspects of life: recreational fighting and major government. Thing is, there doesn't seem to be much of a difference in technology between the two. Sure, the government robots are more advanced, but not by much. It seems that amateur builds are too expensive and advanced for most people to make. Fluid motion is one thing. I'd expect them to be rough, requiring almost total human input. But bombs, even exact decoys? Flying blades? Energy blasts? This is stuff that should be highly regulated, and I mean highly. It's not what a kid should be able to access. And where would a kid get the money and materials to build robots? Even in the future, they're not going to be cheap or easy to make.
Speaking of, an absolutely massive problem is Swift Lee and Yekun. Okay, Yekun is not only a government robot, but THE most advanced robot ever built? And Swift Lee just took him from his father's workshop? No. The most advanced government robot ever built couldn't just disappear like that. There would be a huge search, I mean whole city and beyond. It certainly wouldn't get to the point where Yekun could fight in a major tournament.
And about this tournament, it's supposedly almost as big as the Olympics? Then sixteen competitors is way too small. Not only that, but anyone is allowed to enter? For such a small number, you'd think it would be reserved for the top fighters around the world. It would be a large tournament with hundreds, if not thousands of international entrants, culminating in the sixteen top fighters in Red Web City. Also, doesn't it seem a bit...small? For a city that seems to have a large robot industry AND an annual tournament, you'd think it would have much more than one and a half million residents. Unless its economic power is huge, it's not much worth taking over.
Okay, so other things with the story. I doubt that a spy would tell a kid all about its missions. If there's one thing about kids, it's that they talk. I mean, do they talk, and with a barely functioning filter. Hell, many adults don't know when to stop. Regardless, telling anyone about their organization, their missions, who they are, what they do...that's risky. And by risky I mean they would never be allowed to do that, that's dangerous, it could compromise everything. They also would never allow civilians to accompany them on missions. Again, too risky. And I know they're advanced, but having only seven (six, at the last is a prototype) spy robots isn't that much, especially when at least half of them are in that one city. Why not have a mass-produced model, so it could be more widespread?
Oh yeah. More technology things. It's not being used realistically. A garage is enough to be safe? I mean, I can see things like touch screen and voice command and even holograms working because it's the future, but overall the technology doesn't work as it should.
For more specific things, there's a part where Ezela suddenly remembers upgrades that she's received. This shouldn't be it. She's a robot, and an advanced one at that. She should be able to remember these. Not only that, but these upgrades come from nowhere. It's almost a deus ex machina. That is, it's a sudden solution to an unsolvable problem. Actually, given that these were more last resorts, I would call them that. It's not satisfying, and it feels like a cheap way to get someone out of trouble.
Ah, I swear there were other things but I'll move on and just post again if I remember them.

So, onto writing style. It needs a lot of work. You rely on telling, not showing, which is one of the biggest things that you Do Not Do as a writer. Outright telling the reader who people are or what is happening comes off as an infodump, and infodumps are bad (except in certain occasions, but this is not one). It's a very common mistake that new writers make, but it's one that must be broken to improve style. It's not exciting to suddenly know all about something. Raise suspense and intrigue by slowly revealing information. And I don't mean spread the infodump out. I mean, show what's happening. Don't say your character is nervous. Say that your character's shaking, that their palms are sweaty, their heart racing. Don't tell us who the bad guy is, show us what they're doing and how it affects the city. Your readers will figure it out, and your writing will be much better for it.
There's also the problem of flow. You haven't paced it out well, making it awkward to read. Fast paced scenes are drawn out while scenes that are slow or could serve as character development are over within a few sentences. You also break from the actual story by going off on tangents, many of these being infodumps. Don't do that. One key to good writing is maintaining a good pace. The reader should be immersed in the story, and ruining the pace, especially with tangents, will jerk them out of it. That's another reason you need to show, not tell. I can't stress that enough. Actions scenes also feel disjointed. They're written more like a screenplay instead of a narrative.
For your story, I think it would be best if you stay within the point of view of the main character of the chapter. Don't reveal anything they don't know, and don't switch to the point of view of another character. A character might not notice something, or have extraordinary attention to detail. They might do one thing and not do another. This will affect what the reader knows. Do it right, and all the pieces will fall into place for the reader.

And now, for the biggest issue I wish to discuss:
There's also very, very little character development. There's nothing to these characters beyond their respective cliches: the child prodigy, the bully, the insane terrorist. Okay, so what else is there to Jumper the boy genius? He's smart, he builds robots. That's it. The bully? He's mean, he steals robots. There's nothing there to make them relate to the reader. We love characters we can understand, pick apart, study, characters for whom we feel sympathy and joy and anger. Here, there's nothing. It's devoid of emotion, too hollow to elicit any feeling from me. As I mentioned before, you devote very little attention to scenes which should be used for character development. The closest you get is the scene with the book. However, it feels incredibly out of place. There's no connection with any other scene, and it's never mentioned again. As for developing character, it is not effective. I learned very little and the characters remained distant.

RESOURCES FOR IMPROVEMENT
I'm going to post a few links to resources which you can study, to get started. DON'T get discouraged by one failed project, or a dozen failed projects, or even a hundred failed projects. We all have to start somewhere. I know I've written my fair share of garbage, and then some. I'd be downright embarrassed to post any of my earlier work, because I've improved. And you will too, as long as you strive for improvement. Accepting critique is one of the most important things you can do as a writer. Without critique and without a drive to improve, all you can do is remain stagnant. (It's also why I prefer critique to compliments.) I suggest trying some short exercises. As you improve and expand your abilities, you can try longer and longer projects. I'm not even comfortable with novels yet, as I feel that I have a way to go before I'm ready to write something so long. There's no shortcut to good writing. It took me years to get to this point, and that was with regular study and practice (though I'll admit, I haven't done much recently, and that does nothing but harm me), so you need to stick with it.
This is specifically fight scenes.
Here's a whole collection of topics.
Another blog you can browse through for more varied topics.

[FreddyCast]

Accepting critique is one of the most important things you can do as a writer. Without critique and without a drive to improve, all you can do is remain stagnant. (It's also why I prefer critique to compliments.) I suggest trying some short exercises. As you improve and expand your abilities, you can try longer and longer projects. I'm not even comfortable with novels yet, as I feel that I have a way to go before I'm ready to write something so long. There's no shortcut to good writing. It took me years to get to this point, and that was with regular study and practice (though I'll admit, I haven't done much recently, and that does nothing but harm me), so you need to stick with it.
This is specifically fight scenes.
Here's a whole collection of topics.
Another blog you can browse through for more varied topics.

Hey Ante Bellum,
you've probably already read my manga story, but can you do a critique on my story as well. I mean I'm already chapters ahead of myself (working on the second volume), but I need to know if the beginning of my story can stand up to scrutiny. I am a novice manga writer after all and this story is my first attempt at being a fictional writer. So far I've only got one person to comment, and it has been a good moral boost since AdriTan liked my story, but I need more input.

[Red_web_city]

Ok Ante, from what you have writtenbit appears you've just skimmed through the story, and have'nt really cared to read it using the imagination of the audience I am reaching out to too. Indeed you say it right that Jumper Yo would appeal to a much younger crowd but even an adult with an open mind for the future would see that this story is not a star trek story. Your observatoon ofmy borgs having any connection with a star trak race is solely based on your own worlds wisdom whic concludes that you would be assuming to read a typical story based on the wisdom of this world. First of all you've stated that Jumper built the second most advanced borg, but failed to read the part where he only upgraded the second most advanced "Design", it appears you never even read the intro by stating this. The next thing is that If you have read the story with an open mind you would know that my character Jumper Yo does'nt have to be your typical boy genuis who would'nt have the heart to use his inventive skills to fuse styles,and techniques to create his own. Even Bruce lee who was'nt a boy genuis blended styles to form his own. Yes my word Borg derived from the word Cy-borg, and if you are trying to downgrade my science fictional story to make it to be like a Dragon ball z or star trek, then you are sadly mistaken. From what I've read I can see you're observative about my dialogue, I indeed have a script style of writing, and it reaches out to an audience who've watched anime series, and saturday morning action cartoons most of their childhood, and a youth. If you'd read the intro you'd see that there are 7 designs built, and only the seventh has one prototype, but I only incorperated Ezela, Vespinir, and V7 as the main Spy borg characters for now to show their design in the art I revealed. Yes, I can see your point about the nost advanced borg being stolen from it's designer

[DaughterOfZion]

If this is something you hope to make money at, and this goes for anything else as well, someone's going to give you critiques on your work no matter what you do so please learn how to take criticism gracefully. It sucks, but that's just part of life.
You asked for input and you got it. Don't turn to character attacks because someone doesn't agree with you on your story.

[Red_web_city]

I did ask for criticism, and am not attacking characters. I am my best critic in that I am always examing my works. I do realize he has a few points,but also realize he mixed good advice in with changing my story around. At no time did I ever say my character Jumper designed the 6th borg or has created the advance Spy borgs from the F A project. Jumper only designs, and builds his own Battleborgs for the annual tournament which if he wouldhave read my story carefully, he would see that Vessel 7 was told by Jumper that many contestants withdrew from the tournament in fear of the intense competition making it only 16. He's obviously doing what the muslims did to the Gospel, which is saying Jesus was a prophet of God, but never acknowledging his death on the cross nor his authority as the mediator between man, and God. If you have'nt read, and understood the story you should'nt defend someone who obviously is'nt stating all the facts from it. Only what he wanted to look at, thats why there is so many denominations with differences in doctrines. Many churhes only want to look at fractions of the word, and are blinded to see it all connects, and each scripture is knit together forming one blanket

I understand your view on the most advanced untested agency borg being easily stolen from its designers work shop, and know that even the designers son would be close enough to his father to have access to the workshop where the borg is kept. I also know that the most advanced computers can use upgraded, so yes V12 was upgraded by Jumper even though V12 is already due for an upgraded as statedby the director which is another part you've either did'nt read or you're avoiding. It appears you're only displaying fractions of my story, and not seeing the whole picture. You are placing limitations on a sci fi light novel which is most critics of this worlds biggest mistakes. I would like to see if you can now still point out something impossible about MY story especially acknowledging that you are in a Christian connected site. My light novel acknowledges Saint Peter, and herefore hints spiritual connection to the readers. It appears you would be the type of critic to read Jesus ascension, and would say it is impossible to be be recieved by a cloud when Isaiah took a fiwry chariot, and Muhammed climbed up a golden ladder. The point is you're trying to place more limtations on my writing style, and trying to impose your worldly wisdom against Gods wisdom which is pure, for it is written " I can bring things into existance which did not exist". This is not up for debate or discussion, case closed

[Zeldafan2]

Not trying to play mod-pants here, but your posts are obviously going to derail this thread into theological discussion territory, and that's not openly allowed on the forums unless its absolutely central to the topic at hand (which in this case, is not).

[Red_web_city]

Ok Ante bellem, I read your review carefully, and understand your point of view, and wisdom. I did write it as a screen playish style script to jot down the events to take place, and am very grateful now that I can remeber myself what a book is written like, I only read Hatchet by Gary paulson in intermediate school so I must say you have rekindled my memory which indeed edifed me. I also would like to further explain that it is'nt too much for a genuis to have skills in martial arts, and that this project did mass produce the 6 designs but only the 7th has one prototype. I only incorperated ezela, v12 and v7 in as main characters for now ... either way whether my work was done without experiance, I had my ideas protected knowing it does have potential especially when the art gives thereader a boost. Thanks again, and remember to never place limitations on science fiction which is a thin line to spirituality.

[goldenspines]

Wow, this thread's been through the ringer, huh? Criticism is hard to take (as an artist who pours my heart into my work, I know), but bear in mind, people in the real world (oh gosh, especially people PAID to critique books/art/movies/etc.) will rip you to shreds and crush your self esteem so much that you will be wishing you only had helpful comments like Ante's. You can defend your work until you're blue in the face, but if they don't like it, they'll tell you it's stupid, end of story. You just try harder next time.
Luckily, before you have that happens and you become poor, starving, and upset at the world, you can accept and glean advice constructive criticism and improve your skills so when your work meets book reviewers, you'll not only be a better writer, but you'll be better at taking negativity and still be able to work through it. :3

Protip: If you are serious about being a writer, read everything; read as many books as you can, within the genre you're shooting for and beyond that as well. You can learn a lot of what to do (and what not to do) from reading other works.

Since, I'm here, I can offer you some very general comments on your story. Admittedly, I only skimmed your novel. From the beginning, I found it hard to read. Regardless of one's personal tastes as a reader, if you can't hook your audience, you've lost already (I enjoy sci-fi and fantasy quite a bit. It's not a "free-for-all" genre, though. And there are limitations involving world building, world logic, etc. I could give a long lecture about that, but I won't bore you). I think this lack of "hook" had to do with how you're writing the story. The content of your novel was fine and in all honesty, it seemed to mostly make sense together which is better than a lot of stories I've seen. But like Ante mentioned, you just tell us what's going on and don't show us. I mean, it reads like a narrator's monologue, only super long. "This happened, then this happened. They were scared, they fought, they were happy, they laughed, they cried, the end.". Readers are fairly intelligent people (hence why they are reading books!), so they get tired of being "told" what happens and instead want to "see" what happens!

Quick and simple example thing:
Telling: "He became very sad."
Showing: "His eyes filled with tears and his lower lip trembled as he leaned against the wall to steady himself."

See the difference? Which one can you feel sadness in more as you read it?

Also, please use quotation marks. This is mainly a stylistic thing and I know some authors don't use them for dialogue, but it's really hard and annoying to read without them.
I think some exceptions are when people are thinking to themselves, the quotation marks are eliminated; though in that case, italics are often used instead. This one is up to you, though.

Then you can review some punctuation uses as well as you edit (using apostrophes, for example.) and it may be worth your while to pick up a copy of Strunk and White's The Elements of Style. It's a small and usually pretty cheap little guide to proper grammar usage, basic sentence/paragraph composition, commonly misused words/phrases, and a introduction to developing yourself as a writer in a style that works well for your and for your stories.

Best of luck in writing and please avoid personally attacking someone because they gave you feedback. If you don't like their feedback, fine, ignore it and move on with your life. Not everyone is going to give you helpful advice. But don't make things worse for yourself by making assumptions about the personality/character of someone that have nothing to do with the feedback they gave you. It only makes you look desperate, immature, and not professional and thus not worth the time of a publisher, reader, or critic.

Also, because you brought it up, illustrations can definitely be a big draw to a story. Though, if they are not done very well, they can hurt your story more than help it. I suggest, once you revise your story a lot, you should look into improving the illustrations. As they are right now, they look incomplete and very low quality (I like the character designs though!). So whether you draw them yourself (it's difficult to be both a writer and an illustrator (though it can save you money, but not time), since both take a LOT of work to develop their skills, so many writers just focus on purely writing, then hire illustrators if they want illustrations/a cover for their book), or you hire someone, make sure the illustrations are top notch and professional quality. They are the "face" of your book, so they need to make a great impression.
Though, for right now, it doesn't matter much, but if you plan to get your novel published, please consider upgrading them.

Again, best of luck.

[Davidizer13]

Let's talk about allegories, because your story's trying to be one. Not everyone's going to get the references, especially when they're removed from the settings the embodied characters were in originally. You can have an allegory that slaps you in the face with itself in every word, like A Pilgrim's Progress, where it absolutely unmistakeable as to what the story's really about. This is also really hard to do and still make an entertaining story out of, but it can be done. Then there's the less overt allegories, which are more what you're trying to do - Narnia is another example. Chances are, in this case, someone's probably going to miss the allegory and just read through and take the story at face value. It sounds like this is what's happened in your case, and in your explanations, I can see why. Those are some very obscure connections to make, especially since your story's about the robot fight Olympics and not seemingly anything connected to Christianity or Islam or Jesus. If you still want to write it this way, and you want people to see it, you need to make your connections a lot clearer.

And speaking of connections, your Jesus figure is a combat robot. While I simply find it laughable, other people might find it offensive that someone's made the Prince of Peace an eminently merchandisable color-coordinated android with spinning blades or lasers or whatever. I would also add that just because you're trying to target this more towards kids, doesn't excuse you from criticism regarding leaps in logic or plot holes. Kids can see them. They can tell the difference, trust me. The same goes for writing for Christians - just because I'm a Christian and can admite the message you're putting forth in it doesn't mean I can't poke at its flaws in an attempt to help make it better. On the contrary, because you're writing this for God's purpose, you should be that much more careful and that many more pains to make sure it's the best story you can write.

Ante and Goldy've got some good points. Take 'em to heart, re-read what you've got, make any changes you see fit, and be prepared to slaughter whatever sacred cows you've set up in your writing as it stands now. And for goodness' sake, use some proper grammar. It'll make things a lot easier to read.

[Red_web_city]

Thank you spine and davidizer, I've taken this into consideration, and will indeed step on the serpents and scorpions in it. May God bless you all in Yeshuas name, Jesus is Lord.

[mechana2015]

MOD NOTE Red Web Please do not post multiple posts one after another, especially of the same content. This is spamming and against site rules. Your posts have been merged and/or deleted. We do allow writing projects to double or multi post for the actual project, since they tend to reach our word cap, but for regular posts this is not acceptable.

Writer note:
Telling people who give you honest critique that your writing style isn't up for discussiion is the quickest way to ensure nobody ever bothers to give you honest feedback ever again.

Feel free to comment on my Full Armor 7 novel. Whether you think or sucks, has potential or really liked it...I'm always open for suggestions

Especially when you tell them this. If you're going to say something like that, then you shouldn't be surprised when it's a bit of a tough review, and shouldn't start attacking a person for it. I'll tell you it sure didn't make me interested in looking over the story and giving my thoughts.

[Xeno]

He's obviously doing what the muslims did to the Gospel, which is saying Jesus was a prophet of God, but never acknowledging his death on the cross nor his authority as the mediator between man, and God. If you have'nt read, and understood the story you should'nt defend someone who obviously is'nt stating all the facts from it. Only what he wanted to look at, thats why there is so many denominations with differences in doctrines. Many churhes only want to look at fractions of the word, and are blinded to see it all connects, and each scripture is knit together forming one blanket...My light novel acknowledges Saint Peter, and herefore hints spiritual connection to the readers. It appears you would be the type of critic to read Jesus ascension, and would say it is impossible to be be recieved by a cloud when Isaiah took a fiwry chariot, and Muhammed climbed up a golden ladder.

Did you just do what I think you did? Because seriously bro, that's not cool.

[Red_web_city]

In my ignorance yes I did, but I had to pray, and now realize I was being attacked. Will need a caring brother who can forgive 77 times knowing I am learning to.

[Xeno]

Um, right. Anyway, suggestion, rather than getting upset that Ante "clearly didn't read what you wrote" maybe go back and see how clear your writing was. She critiques things for people all the time, so if she was confused or didn't grasp something you were trying to convey, it's more than likely going to be in how it was written and not a fault in her comprehension skills. These people are trying to help you get better, not make you feel worse. If they wanted to make you feel bad or tear you down they most certainly could find a more effective way of doing it, which wouldn't involve providing pointers on how to write a better and more cohesive story.

[Davidizer13]

Thank you spine and davidizer, I've taken this into consideration, and will indeed step on the serpents and scorpions in it. May God bless you all in Yeshuas name, Jesus is Lord.

Serpents and scorpions nothing; the whole thing's a giant scorpion, and I don't think you really understand what you're doing.

You spend more time in your story talking about the KICKING RAD GADGETS everyone's using than you do developing the characters themselves. Your plot is a tournament arc, something that anime writers turn to when they have to fill time and run out of things for their characters to do. You hop between verb tenses like a bunny rabbit on speed, and there's nary a quotation mark to be found. Your fight scenes are just boring descriptions of "this happened." (That one, I could understand if you're turning this into animation, but you're fixed on writing a novel, where that just isn't going to fly.) Your goal was to make this into some sort of Christian analogy, and you've completely obscured it with all that battle droid stuff. And worst of all, you turn Jesus into a combat robot.

And then there's this.


That's not gone well. I'm no doctor, and I don't know if this is supposed to be a robot or whatever, but from what I can tell, it appears all her organs would have to be in her skull.

So. If you're really attached to this whole Full Armor thing, here's what I'd do:

- Drop the connections between the robots and Jesus or Peter or whatever you're doing. Instead, develop the Christian elements of the story through your main character, and show us what's like to live a truly Christian lifestyle through him. What does being a Christian mean to him? What kind of choices would a follower of Christ make if they were in his shoes? Have him struggle with his new identity, and don't be afraid to let him slip up or outright fail at this. That's what it's all about, wholeheartedly serving a God who's more than willing to forgive us when we make mistakes.

- Show, don't tell. Don't just tell us what's going on, put us in the action - Ante and Goldy's posts did a pretty good job of dealing with this one. Spend less time talking about all the sweet technology you've got around; most of it seems to be almost mundane in your world, so treat it as such, and don't go off for words and words describing everything about it to us. Leave some of it to our imagination, even!

- PUNCTUATION AND LINE BREAKS. Make your story readable. Stick quotation marks around dialogue, hit the enter key every so often, etc., etc. If you don't take the time to copyedit your story, I likely won't take the time to read it.

- Learn to take criticism graciously. Even the best writers of all time have had their critics, but it's even more important to know how to do this, because writers and critics are closer than ever. When you're working on your drafts or editing, thank the people who take the time to go through your work, and take their thoughts to heart; when you're published, thank them and move on. Don't frantically try to explain them away or say they're wrong, but at the same time don't beat yourself up with the negatives, but see them as stepping stones for improvement.

Re-read your work with a more critical eye, and see what you can do to make this better, because there's a loooooooot of room for improvement here.

Roll up your sleeves. There's a rewrite to be done.

[Ante Bellum]

viewtopic.php?f=29&t=55086

I'm going to link this. It's an assignment I received while applying for a school. It's not very good, but it would have been worse had I not received help from Esoteric. Where did this help get me? Into Perpich, an arts-focused high school that accepts students from all over the state. Specifically, the literary program. That means I spent two years and two hours a day studying writing, including critiquing and receiving critique. I performed in front of audiences. I helped edit two book-length literary magazines. More than that, my preferred genre is science fiction. Trust me when I say I've got some experience.
I did, in fact, read your entire story. It's short, not even 19,000 words. A standard "light novel" is usually 40,000-50,000. Like Goldy said, paid editors aren't going to be anywhere as helpful and nice as us. And because we're not paid, we have no obligation to help. If that's your attitude, then I see no reason to expand my critique.

And FreddyCast, I'll be reading through your story in the coming days.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

In my honest opinion, there was absolutely no desire for me to seriously start reading what you have here. For one I find your story to be boring. But along with what everybody else said, I also have to say that your grammar and word choices are pretty sub-par. And by that I mean it's all pretty bad... You're missing a lot of punctuation marks too. A LOT. Especially quotation marks. And unless you're Cormac McCarthy or know how to stylize text to work without them, don't leave punctuation marks out.

I mean, I get it. You seem to be a new and aspiring writer. That's not bad and we all have to start somewhere. But if you're seriously intent on writing, you need to learn the basics as you try to let your talents grow. You brought up Bruce Lee. He didn't become a phenomenal martial artist in the span of just one week -- heck even one year. It was something he dedicated his life to. So study up on grammar rules, vocabulary, and more efficient word phrasing. Stuff like that will seriously help you. And think of more creative and original stories. Drop your cliches because your story seems to probably be full of them.

Here's some examples of the grammar issues of your writing:

The Full Armor 7 project is an agency project developing Spy borgs for stealth missions, and counter terrorism. Its main focus is the developement of Spy borgs built from Seven high tech designs.

Not only is the first sentence redundant in itself (Full Armor 7 PROJECT is an agency PROJECT?), but sentence two is virtually the same as sentence one. You could possibly write something like "The Full Armor 7 project is an agency initiative intent on developing high-tech Spy borgs for stealth missions and counter-terrorism." See how "initiative" replaces your second "project"? They're kind of synonymous but they're different words. It sounds better. Then after that you can discuss about the specifics of their missions, or the agency, or their seven high-tech designs or whatever. If you try to explain the seven high-tech designs in the first sentence you're gonna create some weird run-on sentence mess.

Here's another one:

Within the midst of an abandoned parking lot, two chased souls bump into each other accidently, while trying to flee their hunters from opposite directions.

The word "accidentally" is an adverb and in your case it's modifying the word "bump". But your text gives no real indication of that because you put "accidentally" after "each other". This makes no sense. You'd instead have to say "Two chased souls accidentally bump" or "Two chased souls bump accidentally". The former is the best option of the two. Or you can switch your "accidentally" with "on accident". But this also sounds weak and juvenile and more suited for being used in dialogue or something. And also, what the heck are their hunters? You've never established anything about hunters. Sure I can imagine that people are chasing after them but how do I know for SURE what you're trying to convey?

I mean this is just two sentences I picked out of your story. Aside from the fact that I think your story is uninteresting (meaning have no desire to go past the first paragraph) there is a LOT of work that needs to be done if you choose to tell this specific story. There's issues in like every small chunk of text.

Anyways don't assume yourself to be your best critic. For one (and I don't mean ANY offense on your part) most of us here are probably more mature writers and/or readers here. I like to read a lot. There is a worlds of a difference between the books I like and your writing. Whether it be classical fiction or contemporary novels or even children'ss books. The difference is pretty huge. That being all being said, you should always assume that you are your own WORST critic when it comes to creative arts. It's the only way you'll seriously get better.

[Red_web_city]

I'll scan it again, and hopefully return with a more mature story, thanks to everyone again.

[Red_web_city]

Ok so I decided to start the intro to the new book taking into consider
ation your advice "One thousand realms" is the new title

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s279//sh ... 2feda4daab

Please get back to me if you see any improvement in my writing, thanks again

[Zeldafan2]

(This post is referring to the most recent chapter you put up. I did not actually read your original story.)

Your story is actually really interesting. Your writing is very descriptive, and it really does an excellent job of showing, instead of telling (or infodumping) a scenario on the reader.

There were a few spelling errors I noticed, and I'm not completely sure where the story is going at the moment, but I think its a great start.

[Zeldafan2]

Annoying double post. Its what happens when the mouse begins to double click on you.

[Red_web_city]

Thank you Zelda, I wont spoil it for ya so I can just hint that its going in the direction of The Holy Spirits power versus sorcery. Thats all I can hint for now.

[Davidizer13]

Ohhhhhhhh boy. Where do we begin?

The writing's slightly better than the last, but that's not saying much.

I don't get much of a feel for the character; there's a taste of what he believes, which is part of your character and what he is, but there's still not a lot of emotion about it. And honestly, what I've heard from him so far, I've heard in your posts. Self-inserts take an incredible author and a lot of distance between the writer and the character to work well, and I'm not seeing it yet.

And that infodump, right when you introduce your character? That was a mess. It's just an explanation of the things that have happened to him. This is the definition of telling and not showing. I want to see the character do Christian things, go through the development stages, or at least think through things with that attitude, not just get told "yup, I'm a Christian." Character development is good for you!

To bring in an example, Les Miserables does a really good job of this whole conversion experience thingy (but then again, there's a whole lot at which The Brick does a really good job). In the beginning of the book, Jean Valjean steals from a priest, gets caught, then is forgiven for it, but as he's leaving, the priest tells him that his soul has been bought for God. Valjean doesn't think much of this, until he steals a kid's quarter out of habit, then snaps at the kid when he tries to get it back. He picks up his foot to get the coin, and then all of a sudden, he realizes what he's done. It completely tears him up inside. It forces him to look at himself, see what a horrible person he's become over the years and realize the depth of the mercy he's been shown, and serves as a catalyst for Valjean's actions throughout the rest of the book. It all goes back to showing, not telling.

Other than that, you use metaphor quite a bit, which can be all right if used properly, but it's all cliched, overused, bludgeon-you-over-the-head stuff. That's bad. You're sticking to a tense for your actions; too bad it's the present tense. That one's hard to use in the best of times, and it's not working here. Stick with the past tense here, especially when you're writing in the first-person, because it got really messy when you switched viewpoints over to the main character. Your grammar's a bit better, at least but you still gotta work on putting in those line breaks - would it kill you to push Enter every once in a while? Use them to break up different actions or scenes, or lines in a poem.

And speaking of poems, good gosh, man, warn me before you try something like that again.

SCANSION, RHYTHM AND METER. Learn it before you write poems. Each line, and the poem as a whole, has to have a distinct, repeating pattern. You get this in a few of the couplets, but it's still really, really rough. Your line lengths are all over the place, so there's no flow between any of them. Read it out loud to yourself a few times, and you'll feel what I'm talking about; it helps to think of it like a song, where you only have a certain number of beats to put your words into before the melody gets ahead of them. Here's a good tutorial, just don't get too caught up on the terminology of it all; you're not taking a test on it, after all.

There's also some absolutely horrific rhymes in there, too, like power/more, mind/time, dream/mean and flesh/flesh (wut). I could be wrong, though, it's hard to tell what you're meaning to end each couplet with when it's all one huge messy paragraph (line breaks are your friend here!). You loop back in on yourself, too, when in the poem it says that the writer's writing a poem. You aren't Italo Calvino or Christopher Nolan, so cut that out.

And then another infodump, which, again, is usually bad in a story where you're telling it from a single character's point of view. There's got to be a better way to express what you're trying to say here, something along the lines "I've seen things you wouldn't believe," which feels a bit cliched to my ear, but it might work if you do it right. If you go that route, you should definitely put it in the character's personality, like their view on it - less of an omniscient narrator, more of a focused look on his experiences. That, or you could show someone actually doing those things in your story, which would probably be the best thing to do in this case.

That drawing, though. I'm not sure legs are supposed to work like that. They're like tiny little turkey legs or something. Work on your proportions, is what I'm saying. (That is, if you want to continue with the art/light novel thing, which I'm honestly not seeing much reason to continue down that route at the moment.)

Keep rewriting, and you'll get it eventually.

[Red_web_city]

Thanks for the honesty davidizer, I don't know the author you mentioned but when I write I'm definately not trying to copy anyones style. The 2 poems have quotations, and the third paragraph is Orious narrative. I tried my best on showing, and not telling, but I guess I feel there are somethings that must be plainly told. I'd like the reader to read straight from my thoughts, and I don't want to steer a car that's ahead of me while trying to drive. I dont read books, only the bible, so you can see why I just want to describe plainly, perhaps I should read more of the book of revelations since it seems writing things to tell is'nt whats good for what I'm trying to do. I'm more of a script writer, then a book writer. I think it would be better to read my work as a script to get tbe main idea of what I'm trying to reveal.