My First Poem - My Fondest Dream

[Nightshade X]

This is my very first poem, written for my creative writing class... draft #2. I'm open to any suggestions or constructive criticism. Praise and accolades are welcome, too!

I cannot breathe
Every split second I stand
In the shadow of your approach
Is an age in the domain of shadows
You douse my will and impose your own
Thrilling as a cold breath of the wind
To the burden of summer's blaze
I am scarred by the the notion of you,
Marred beyond recovery

Each day I tread upon this plain of life
I long to hear the melody of your voice
The harmony of your pleasure
How I hunger for the ambrosia of your touch
Thirst for the sweet nectar of your lips' caress
I ache to know the warmth of your body
As our embrace fuses our hearts into one

Your tears are unsullied venom flowing
From the fangs of a cobra into a fresh wound
Your anger severs like a blade upon flesh
Your distress throws my days into turmoil
Could my love be your armor
Your shield to stand against the chaos of reality?

I will stand by your side for the world to envy
For you are the salve to heal my wounds of solitude
As I reach beyond the bounds of time to take your hand
I am yours alone beyond the gates of death
Beyond the ocean of stars, I will be yours
Though I do not know who you are
I love you just the same.

[creed4]

good but very sad

[Anna Mae]

I really liked the phrase "ocean of stars."

I am not sure how the whole poem ties together, though. After reading it, I looked back at the first stanza and didn't feel a sense of closure.