A few days have passed since I've learned I'm autistic, and I've found almost nothing but blessings for it.
But why is this you might ask? And what exactly is Asperger's to begin with, and how does it affect me? Well, before I begin to explain, a bit of my past and of my personal biography will have to be explained first. So you might want to make some popcorn while reading this, because it's going to be VERY long. XD
Ever since the day I was born, I've always expressed unique things about myself emotionally or physically. I don't remember, but my parents told me when I was born I would always cry and scream if I wasn't held, I was terrified of loud noises and being around an enormous group of people, and I used to be very hostile towards everyone in my family. I even at first bit my dad's hand when he first started holding me. Why did I do all this? No one knew at the time (nor will I ever know fully). We only knew that I was very uncomfortable around strangers and that I preferred being in silent, calm places.
A few years passed, and when I entered 3 years of age, I once again began showing interesting characteristics. Although the first one I'm going to mention wouldn't have even been considered unique. I had a tendency to take cans and line them up in a tower as high as I could make it. I also, (and I still do) had a love for trains. Why? Well, for quite a few reasons, but the earliest one I can remember was of how it looked. Being in a straight, connected line of cars seemed to grab my attention endlessly. Speaking of grabbing my attention, I also started to show the aspect of getting interested in one thing at one time and putting all my energy into learning about it. Something I still possess today on a daily basis (and why I'm such an in-depth Otaku, but I also have knowledge in quite a few other things too). Lastly, and this is something that's really no longer with me except on very, very rare ocassions, was my lack of receipting danger. The Church we went to at the time had a small hill behind it, which on top were some railroad tracks. This I can just vaguely remember and could quite possibly be my first memory. I would go up the hill, and start walking along the tracks. My parents were in a panic because I was lost, not to mention the incredible risk on my own life that I had no idea I was taking. Eventually my dad was able to find me on the tracks by accident and took me back to everyone's (and to my own feelings in the future) relief. But that was only the first time, I then did it a second time and went almost half a mile from our Church when I was found by a woman at a McDonald's near the tracks. I was picked up by her, and almost was going to be put into a lost-and-found list when my parents, to their relief again, found me. And THIS time they kept me under their very close watch. And I never did it again. I can also say my perception of danger has gone up quite well, to an almost over-extreme level. But that's something I'll discuss a bit later.
The years passed, I made my first friend, began homeschooling, and continued to grow with the world around me. One thing I'll always remember though, and this is one of the main struggles I've always had and will mention a few more times, was being social and keeping friends. Which, along with perhaps sin and death itself, has been the hardest struggle I have ever faced in my life. Being social, in and of itself, be it online or off, with strangers whom I know nothing about, is nearly impossible for me. I had always been shy my entire life, but after I turned 13, that shyness escalated to what I currently am. During that time, friendship was something I was desperately longing for after spending two years without any. I had decided to try going to a Christian private school that I at the time thought would help me make friends. However, I was looked at with questioning for my out of place attitude and interests. Eventually I was ignored quietly by my whole class there, which would later affect my attitude as it is today. It opened me to have an attraction with spending time with people younger or much older then myself, it brought out my interests in being a writer, but the last effect was my un-open feelings towards strangers and people. Which eventually developed into a fear so large that I couldn't even ask for simple things from strangers. Too afraid to ask a book store employee for help on finding a book I was interested in, too afraid to ask for directions or when something was happening that I was interested in. I would always look for the information myself. I even get nervous in community discussions online, which take up 70% of my life. The idea of me getting a job and having to socialize with other people has been something I haven't been able to comprehend or fully ready myself for in the future. Although I do know that I will eventually have to push myself into that fear in order to live.
People today have usually always recognize me as being different from most people. One of the largest being my androgynous tastes for my age and gender. Androgynous means, "Being of both a girl and boy at the same time and also being neither". Although in my case, this is used for my interests. Normally most boys aren't interested in sensitive stories or adorable, warming things. Although there are more sensitive boys who are, I take it the largest extreme. I have such a deep love for small girls, cute things, and sensitive stories that I can't really call myself a boy or a girl. Even if I'm physically male.
To me, this always felt perfectly normal and not odd in anyway, but to everyone else, when I would say "Awwww..." at something like this:
Most people's response would be, "Are you mentally stable"? And being at the age of 17, this was escalated ten times to the point were some people thought I needed serious mental therapy. I took no notice of this because I believed that there was nothing wrong me. Although many people did ask me again and again to seek help because I kept acting like a seven year old in seventeen year old body, which did worry me a little.
So eventually, I decided to see a therapist not for the reasons I showed above primarily, but to help with some psychological problems I had been having and still have today. Including crying many times, having spontaneous visions of images and sounds I didn't want to hear, and my fear of society. Eventually though, I was taken out because the symptoms I was showing pointed to one thing: Aspeger's.
A few months passed, and I was taken to a group that specialized in helping children discover how to use their Asperger's both positively and to assist in helping them overcome their negative side-effects. I spent over five hours there, took a few tests, met other people who had it, and just relaxed a bit. After enough time passed, I found out I had passed 90% of the test. I was diagnosed with Asperger's.
What is Asperger's? Asperger's is a condition in the brain that causes all the things I've just told you about above, and many more. It doesn't have a cure, and doesn't need one. The basic showings of asperger's include stacking or lining up objects in a neat line, being obsessed with one thing at a time and obsessing into that subject to the extreme, having a unique and very different attitude, and lacking the ability to interpret facial expressions or how a person sometimes might feel. Although there are many exceptions and such an incredible amount of differences that no two people with asperger's are alike.
At first I wasn't willing to accept the truth that I was an autistic person because I feared that I would have to go through extensive therapy to cure me of something I felt normal being the person I already was. Thankfully, the group I was with told me that they were only going to help or teach me what I wanted to go through with and nothing more, because they themselves were autistic. At that moment, I experienced the happiest feeling I had felt in a very, very long time. So many questions I had wondered had been answered for me, and I suddenly realized, "Every negative comment, complaint, or criticism put at me no longer has any basis. I'm normal in here. Nothing was every truly wrong with me." And since then, I've been re-discovering almost all of my life because of this discovery.
So, what does this mean for me and the CAA? Well, if you think you need to give me special treatment or put me in a handi-capped position, you don't need too. However, I am here to tell you all that I will be showing sometimes subtle, to immensely different feelings and in my general attitude. All that I ask from you is to respect, tolerate, and possibly support my actions. I might do many things that for me are completely natural in every aspect, but you it might be very strange. So I simply ask that you respect me for individuality, as this is the main reason I made this topic.
However, this doesn't put me in an innocent role either. I've had to re-learn how to interact with normal people and expect how they're going to be different from myself. So I too, am going to have to respect, tolerate, and support your actions.
To end this, and to rest from all the work I had to do to write this and the work you had to do to read this, I will add my final decoration. "ahem".
I hope you can welcome me here again with open arms, as I hope to do the same with you.
-Alec.
They're also all very talented and interesting people that we love to be around.
