a thread for purity failures and new commitments

[kat-su-chan]

I was kind of shocked, and impressed to see that a lot of people on the first kiss thread decided to save it for marriage, even a kiss...
I guess for me it's difficult. I grew up outside of the christian community really, I had little to no Christian friends and it's still that way for me. Always attended church, have a christian family. But my older sisters dated, and I don't think there was any problem with that. And I just didn't get along very well with most of the kids at my church. There were always the nutbar kids, who were homeschooled (NO offense to anyone who's homeschooled) and were duller than...I don't even know. Then there were the kids who came, who left, got into all sorts of crazy drug messes. And then we switched churches. I went to public school, because my parents felt it was better to be exposed and hopefully be an example than sitting in a christian or catholic school. My new church was almost an hour away, so I didn't attend youth.

In a sense this page made me feel lousy
because I didn't save my first kiss... I didn't save anything
- I couldn't save anything.
Because after I had my heart broken, I was forced or I guess you could say raped (I don't say rape, because I went to that boys house, even if I didn't intend for things to happen the way they did I still put myself in that situation). I've had so many boyfriends it's embarassing and I'm ashamed to even talk about it. I never thought about saving my first kiss.
Of course I had purity drilled into me a lot. But I fell in love with a guy, who broke my heart and after that I wanted to be loved so badly I would do anything. Anything. So, every boy I've dated has been 2-3 years older than me, and I did all the wrong things.
Once I even lied to my parents that I was going to a concert and instead I went to my boyfriends university and stayed the weekend there with him...
However, after that thread I was proud, that you guys are making these choices. Because I have suffered so much heart-break, ache and pain that I often have trouble being sociable. God has healed me so much, but I've still done so much damage it's not completly overcome yet.
Since my last (long termish) boyfriend and I split, we were together on and off for three years I haven't been with anyone since.
I was so damaged, because he had always been my guidance and had always cared about me through every boy and trouble that I went through. He knew my story, he knew that I'd been used for sex time and time again, sometimes to my own subjection.
And do you know what he did? The last time we dated, I was at his house and things started to get sexual and I broke down. I froze up, I couldn't move and I couldn't hardly even breathe all of a sudden. He held me close, stroked my hair and then he took me home.
He didn't talk to me for two days, then he called me up and said this; "You know, if we aren't going to be sexual then there's no point in being in a relationship at all. We might as well be friends."
So...since then. I haven't dated anybody, I haven't kissed anybody or even thought about kissing anyone. Infact, if I get into any kind of physical contact (I have a good friend who is a boy I've known him for years and years) even a hug by a guy friend I just freeze up, feel sick and am thrown right back into anguish.
I think though, it was a blessing. I had decided I wasn't going to do it, but my spirit was too weak and God just shut me down. He said this is enough. and I said this is enough.
I thought for so long I'd marry that boy, that we'd be together forever and I was so foolish.
I have tried so hard to find my spouse on my own, to find fullfillment from another person or another thing without God that I now know God is the only one for me.
So, I still have hope, and I still have faith about my future spouse. And though I often feel like such a failure, and I feel so worthless and unworthy I know that God is going to give me someone amazing.
even still...it breaks my heart and brings me to tears every time I think about how badly I failed God and my future husband.


So...keep it pure.

[Alexander]

I've actually experienced all of what you've gone through, except my back story is completely opposite and the end result doesn't either have hope or even determination, so it feels neutral.

I believe there's a very heavy chance that I'll be asexual for the rest of my life.

Throughout my life-time I've been an innocent love type. When I was young as five my first friend was a girl and I can remember having thoughts of marriage as young as that.

But I think I'm getting ahead of myself, or is it behind?

Anyways, my experiences with relationships have been none. Of the three (possibly four) girls I've told my feelings to, never once did they accept me back. These periods would last over three years usually, as I was very careful and patient in waiting for the "right one". But as time passed, I've now realized there's a much deeper reason for why nothing has happened with me.

The biggest reason for this, I believe, has to do with my Autisim, or simply Asperger's Syndrome. While it isn't directly responsible, it does lead up to a series of thoughts, feelings, and ways I communicate those feelings that are both incredibly minuscule and very major at the same time.

I believe what the biggest cause for my lack of creating a relationship has to do with the fact that I can't produce romantic feelings. I can create feelings of extremely deep affection, which is pure love as its core. But romance seems to be something I can't fully comprehend due to how I socially work. There's no way I can change this or improve it as my thought patterns have never worked this way.

I will admit, a lot of my feelings towards being asexual have to do with my own anxiety towards my lack of relationships, but as I've done more research, the facts stand out even more.

86% of Aspies never marry statistically.

So I only have a 12% chance of having success right?

Well, let's add the fact that she needs to be Christian.

She has to be tolerant and loving of my unique differences.

Share some of my similar interests and be tolerant of my obsessions which can last for over a decade.

She has to understand that I love her very deeply while not always being able to successfully show those feelings all the time.

And last but not least, I have a very, very, very low interest in sex. So low that it's almost not there.

When you add that all together, my chances go down to about 1%. 0% if it wasn't for the fact that I've sometimes come close.

Ultimately, it would take a miracle and a half for any success to ever come to me, and I have to understand that living in a world where I think I'll have a chance isn't healthy for myself, and that's where this decision has come in.

Maybe even now I admit I've already stepped into this place and accepted myself. I have never met a girl who loved a male who could intellectually be extremely advanced but had the social abilities of a 14 year old that will stay with me forever. Likewise, I believe there has never been a girl who had feelings back for me as a result of who I am.

Kat, I also would say your story isn't as degrading as you've made it out to be. Yes, you've been hurt and it seems like a number of things that could have happened didn't and you took advantage of the wrong choices, but then again.

The reason I've almost completely lost any remote desire or interest in sex has to do with my 7+ year Hentai addiction. After seeing so many images and falling in so many times, one extreme leads to the other, and as a result one impurity causes an unfortunate result with something sacred.

We're no different in this area. We've all failed in some way to be pure in our relationships.

[kat-su-chan]

Whewh. I have some trouble with this.
I hope you know anything is possible with God. I hope more importantly, that you believe it.
Personally I think God will provide in that area. Speaking statistically doesn't matter. How many people have almost died according to statistics and haven't? If God intends for you to marry, then I firmly believe it's going to happen. Ultimately, it's up to God. So I don't think you should lose hope, because to me losing hope is like losing faith.
God can only do so much with limited trust...
I don't know, I challenge you to challenge God. If you don't 'jump' you'll never see how God can provide. And God, when we give him the chance always does something we least expect, something far more than we do expect.

Kat, I also would say your story isn't as degrading as you've made it out to be. Yes, you've been hurt and it seems like a number of things that could have happened didn't and you took advantage of the wrong choices, but then again.

Not sure what you mean...
love Kat

[Mr. SmartyPants]

I've never really been through your position, so I can't emphasize. Well the only thing I can emphasize for is the desire to be wanted and to be loved by someone else. (Who doesn't?)

Either way, your testimony is pretty powerful, and you have a story to tell to people. Use your life experiences -- the good and the bad -- to share with people and so that you can hope those you love will not make the same mistakes you have.

And of course, you might have lost your virginity, but you can always regain back your spiritual virginity. XD And if you think about it, that's the one that really counts.

[Alexander]

Whewh. I have some trouble with this.
I hope you know anything is possible with God. I hope more importantly, that you believe it.

Anything is possible with God, as long as He plans to make it happen. If not, then I can't exactly make anything happen regardless of what I would want.

As for whether I believe it, I do believe that many times the most impossible results for something can happen, and sometimes have happened for me. But that doesn't mean anything can happen regardless of what I believe.

Personally I think God will provide in that area.

And I don't.

Speaking statistically doesn't matter. How many people have almost died according to statistics and haven't?

Normally I don't believe in statistics for a number of reasons, ESPECIALLY since my own condition has been built upon by stereotypes and statistics, but there are a few times when a fact does stand out and can be right.

In my Aspie support group, there are around 30 members at the moment, out of those, there are 5 couples who are married. That's around a 2/10 ratio. After you multiply the ratio, a percentage of only 12% of Aspies getting married isn't so out of the question.

If God intends for you to marry, then I firmly believe it's going to happen. Ultimately, it's up to God. So I don't think you should lose hope, because to me losing hope is like losing faith.
God can only do so much with limited trust...

If God intends it, as I mentioned before. I've lost hope simply because I can't fight reality for what it is. I've lived knowing I'm not like most people and my path in life will be very different. Not getting married might be one of these things. Which brings me to my next point...

I don't know, I challenge you to challenge God. If you don't 'jump' you'll never see how God can provide. And God, when we give him the chance always does something we least expect, something far more than we do expect.

I have challenged God and jumped so many times that I've literally taken more jumps in one year then what most people take in 10. I have prayed, begged, searched, waited, and yes, failed as well. But as I get older I've noticed a pattern in things, and certain dreams I wanted never came true because for one reason or another, something went wrong. And with each disappointment my depression became heavier and heavier. So it got harder and harder to jump again only to scratch my knees after I landed.

Indeed, with a lack of hope can come a lack of faith. My personal relationship with God has been none for quite a bit of time and my faith has fallen off a bit as well. I haven't lost it, THAT'S impossible for me, but things have gone downhill greatly and I don't know how I can pick myself up again. The wired hasn't been of much help to me lately, but I keep my heart and mind open. Looking for the next step to take.

What I was saying to you was that while you have suffered and made some wrong choices in your life (both against your will and not), I was showing compassion for you by saying we've all made a wrong choice in our relationships in some way or another. I was saying that you shouldn't completely look down upon yourself because like myself, we've all made some critical error that we may or may not regret for the rest of our lives.

Your story touched me because it reminded me of my sister, whom while she has no faith to follow, has made a number of choices you've made with even more dire consequences, and I felt the need to say, "I still forgive you and love you".

[kat-su-chan]

ah... it can only get worse before it gets better 'nes pas? I hate to sound like such an advocate...because I'm sure it's probably not what you want to hear.
Don't give up...of course you know, it's not easy to get out depression and holes. I still struggle, I still get depressed and upset. But I've drawn close to God and he's given me my strength. Without him I know I wouldn't be alive right now. And I know that he has plans for you. Find your comfort in him...
I don't mean to convict but you sound kind of bitter and that's a dangerous place to be.
I'd like to pray for you, if you'd allow me.

[Kairi]

My mom was stuck in a very similar situation when she was younger, but she didn't realize her mistakes until I was born out of wedlock and my dad split soon after that, leaving her to take care of all the responsibilities by herself. Since then she has totally turned her life around, though--thanks to God--and now I could easily call her one of the most dedicated Christians that I know. She's such a good example (and encouragement) to others because she's been there and done that with plenty of bad stuff, and yet has turned into someone who I can look up to as a good example. With her experience she has been able to teach me the good and bad sides of our actions, and I think you have the potential to do the same with other people who are dealing with problems like that.

The story of King David is another one to think about--I mean, he was a man after God's own heart, but when he sinned, he sinned big. He faced the consequences of his actions, but in the end he took responsibility for them instead of running away or trying to blame God. And he was forgiven, just like everyone else who repents! It's normal for us, as Christians, to feel guilty and like total failures after we do something wrong... but we also need to keep in mind that God will TOTALLY forgive us when we're truly sorry for them. In fact, the Bible even says that He will forget our sins, so you shouldn't worry and let them drag you down any longer.

For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more. (Hebrews 8:12)

Your slate has been wiped clean completely in His eyes--and that matters more than anyone else's opinion of what you've done in the past, right? I'll be praying that your relationship with God only continues to grow stronger, and that when the time is right, you'll meet a guy who understands (or could even relate) to your situation. Just remember that not even your future husband will be able to make you feel complete--that's God's job!

[SIZE="1"](Sorry if this post sounded stupid, by the way... I need sleeep!)[/SIZE]

[kat-su-chan]

Definately not stupid, and thanks so much for your prayers! ^^
It's true that once you realize what you're doing, you kind of snap. And how thankful we should be that that happens!

[Mave]

I agree with Alexander:

We're no different in this area. We've all failed in some way to be pure in our relationships.

While I may have saved my first kiss/virginity/whatever, that doesn't mean my mind is completely pure.

Not going to persuade Alexander to think differently; whether you find a partner or not is between you and God. There is no point finding a partner when you both can only make each other miserable <--- I mean this in a context where one believes that he/she can only be happy when they have a life partner and therefore, stubbornly insists on finding a partner without considering God's Will in this matter. As long as you don't believe in that lie and accept that joy isn't limited to romantic relationships, you're fine.

Same goes for you Kat, just because you made some mistakes, doesn't mean you can't find a happy fulfilling relationship with a future life partner. It's all in God's hand now so let go of the past/regret and let God bless you in your present and future. ^_^

[Alexander]

I also apologize for sounding bitter. When you have a lot of regrets, it's hard to not sound that way.

However, my message remains the same except in the context where I don't believe I'm asexual. Instead just someone who's going to have to accept the very real fate that I'll remain single for the rest of my life.

Anyways, I also wanted to agree with Kairi about responsibility and wisdom. We learn from our mistakes and hopefully will be able to use that wisdom towards others.

[kat-su-chan]

I also apologize for sounding bitter. When you have a lot of regrets, it's hard to not sound that way.

However, my message remains the same except in the context where I don't believe I'm asexual. Instead just someone who's going to have to accept the very real fate that I'll remain single for the rest of my life.

I apologize for being very judgemental and unsympathetic. I sort of feel like you've given up. And I guess that's what I don't like so much...however if you're sure that's your fate I suggest reading up on Paul a bit. He did have that whole marriage speal
In a sense you can hopefully view it as something positive. If I could be as Paul says, and not have to have a spouse, clinging to God with everything I've got (and surely be such a remarkable tool for Christ) I would be. But that's not my reality.

I hope this made sense. XP

[Kunoichi]

Hey Kat,

Well you are not alone at all. If you look at the General Lust prayer thread...I'm still there.

I was a virgin and everything until I was eighteen. I met a guy I loved and well we wanted to get married. He pressured me into having sex, granted I conceded. Afterward, when I said stop, he didn't so he basically raped me as well even if I did stay there. See the general lust prayer thread to know more my struggles. but Ya know, King David is also a hope to me. I mean he did sexual adulterous stuff too but God called him after his own heart. He also dealt with depression too. Those are two areas that I deal with heavily.
Smile* that actually gives me some hope. God forgives me too, even if I don't feel like I am or that I deserve it.

[kat-su-chan]

thats a very good point on the story of David. I guess I never thought of him that way, all I think of is Bethsheba!!! (sobsob) haha