I heard in a message from Dan Chun that "he knows my name". Hearing his entire message reminded me that Yihoshua knows who I am and who I was even BEFORE I existed...he crafted me in the palm of his hand. He knows me, and he always knew me. He knew what my weaknesses and my strengths were going to be before I even experienced them...again my eyes swell with tears because He's my Father...my Dad...I am made in His image.
"Do not be afraid, for I am always with you" Chun said, "He is in your corner. He fights for you!" My God my God...what can't I do without your strength? The answer is EVERYTHING!!! I need His strength to just have the ability to breathe every day, every hour, every minute, every second!
I have a terrible lust of something horrible...some of you may already know...I am in the middle of trying to stop it...it's almost gone...the battle has been going on for a long, long time...at least 20 years. My family knows about it, and they keep praying for me.
That in itself makes me cry (I'm an emotional person), when it comes to people who care about me and pray for me, whether friends or family...truthfully I'm not used to it...I'm not...because I'm the one giving the prayer and care 99% of the time...so much that I do not know what it feels like to have someone pray...for me...it's touching...and yet painful...to the pit of my stomach...I get so angry because of my weaknesses...
Fighting back the tears when someone wants to pray for me...I only say "thank you" and turn away. I can feel the water welling up in my eyes. I'm no one special, I'm just a stupid man...I'm supposed to be strong and yet sensitive...hard yet soft...strict yet loving...a believer yet a sinner...I'm human...made in His image...yet I abuse His creation...and hate myself because of it...I want to stop...but it's so hard...so bloody hard...
Some of you may be thinking that me, CephasWhite...a wise person who loves and cares about everyone...has problems of his own...that he's not the wise man that he says...he actually has tear ducts and prays for grace and forgiveness every single day of his life...to stop this horrible lust of something close to mutilation and death.
Then they come up to me and hug me...their arms embracing me...I can't hold it in anymore...I grab them tightly and I weep...yet hoping I'm not embarrassing myself at the same time. They cradle me with a loving embrace that makes me realize that I am human...they mention that God knows who I am, what my weaknesses are and that with me being His son, he forgives my evil deeds...all of them.
If you're reading this far down, I thank you for taking the time to read my testimony. I hope after reading this you may be feeling the same as I am. Finally bringing out my dark deeds to light; finally getting it off my chest.
My fellow warriors, do not think that God in heaven doesn't know anything about you, because He has known you even before you EXISTED. The love is eternal...His love is eternal.
I remember what He said about the beatitudes, this clip from Jesus of Nazareth is one of my favorite renditions of our Lord explaining the Beatitudes, and the Lord's Prayer right now:
The Beatitudes/The Lord's Prayer
I ask you to pray with me:
"God, You know everything. You know what I've done and what I'm going to do. Please, please give me the strength to fight what tempts me. I can't do anything without your strength. I remember what happened with Simon Peter after listening to your parable of the Prodigal Son, he looked into your eyes and said: I'm sorry Master...I'm just a stupid, stupid man. You are my Father...my loving Father...in whom I put my trust in...You love me and You forgive me for my debts and sins no matter how hard headed, arrogant, ignorant, selfish, or greedy I am. I love You, and I always will. If I have to break down and weep to spit those words out "I'm sorry, please forgive me I. was. wrong!" to you, I will. There is nothing more loving then you Lord...nothing. In praying this, I conclude with Your prayer that You taught us:
"Our Father, Who are in Heaven, Hallowed be Your Name. Thy Kingdom Come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us of our sins as we forgive those who sin against us. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. For Thine is the Kingdom, the Power and the Glory, forever and ever...Amen"
This is my testimony to those who are willing to take this to heart. I love you and I always will no matter who you are. My brothers and my sisters, do not be afraid of me, for I am just a man...created in God's image...who knows who I am, what I've done, and who I will be.
This is also a need for prayers, prayers that I will get this demon of lust off my back, not by myself...but with strength from God almighty...I fall on my knees and cry...praising Him for His abundant love to come down on this sinful, stupid man writing this message now...to come to grips on reality and destroy what's holding me back.
Finally, I conclude by thanking you for taking the time to read this...for praying with me. I ask of you to take this mix of a testimony and prayer to heart for I believe it will speak to those who are facing the same challenges I am.
From the deepest part of my heart, I thank you all. God bless every one of you.
~CephasWhite
