Relationship with God

[Kunoichi]

This is something I have been struggling with significantly in the last two weeks. I know that may not seem like a long time, and maybe its not, I am just worried that it could be. When I was living in Georgia, my boyfriend really helped me to remember God in situations. When I was depressed or having a hard time coping with my situation, he would remind me that God was there and He loves me.

Now that I'm not with him (moved to a separate state), I feel myself struggling. My nightmares have been very horrific. The only thing I can think of is that Satan is really using this time to start pulling me away from God. I'm letting him. I don't want to.

I know that God could use this time as a means to strengthen me in Christ. I find myself in a rut, not knowing what to do. I'm earning a certification in something I have no passion for, but i need a way to have income. I am having a hard time opening up the Bible and reading the Word. I think part of it is fear and disgust of myself. Nothing but the Word can expose all the sins that I daily commit.

I'm feeling a bit lost. I go through these periods where I have a spiritual fire, then it fades to this dry spell so to speak. I know its my fault that the relationship is like this, like it is for any friendship (I use that term of lack of a better word).

Is this maybe normal? Although I have been a professed Christian for many years, the relationship has only really started to form in the last year or so. I find myself slipping so much. Even though I may not be a "new" Christian, I feel like I am.

Sorry for all this, just needed to write it out and maybe someone has an idea of what this is like.

[Rusty Claymore]

Kunoichi, you pretty much just summed up the exact situation (minus the boyfriend, of course XD) spiritually I have been in the last 5-6 years.

I am having a hard time opening up the Bible and reading the Word. I think part of it is fear and disgust of myself.

I had stopped too, and only just recently picked It up again. Everytime I read, I found one more thing that either cast a new doubt, or appeared to say I didn't belong with Christ, that I wasn't what He wanted. It was really depressing, but the doubt and thinking you are too pathetically disgusting (I was, and still am, disgusted with myself for my particular vice struggles) are all lies and misdirection. Ones I still fall for, and only recently found how I can overcome them.

Nothing but the Word can expose all the sins that I daily commit.

True, the Law was put into place to expose all as sinners, but one of the most important aspect of the Word is the Fact that every one of those sins has Already been payed for in Blood. Once you accepted His free gift of His Sacrifice, God said that to Him, it's as if you never sinned. And when God said, the stars came into being.
So to answer your question, yeah, I have an idea of what it's like. Everyone is unique, and every situation is different, but I felt, and still feel, very much what you described. I hope you get as much encouragement from my response as I did from your post, knowing I'm not alone, and therefore I am not hopeless.

[Kunoichi]

Rusty Claymore,

Honestly yes. Knowing I'm not alone has been a huge encouragement to me. If I'm completely honest, I'm sitting here crying like a little kid. I also never thought that anything I posted would be of any encouragement, considering I find it depressing lol

One thing you wrote, which I know is so often common knowledge, that God has forgiven me and that my sins are "no more". While I get this in my head, its the rest of me that has a hard time grasping this, especially from a human standpoint. After all, I have met very very few (myself included) that forgive sins/actions/behaviors/ thoughts etc. I know that's a very human perspective and admittedly would be one of the many reasons I am not God, I don't know if I can fully accept this or rather that I even deserve it.

This being said, I realize that by denying Christ, by denying this gift is like a self-pity slap into my own Creators face. Man just feels so overwhelming, so scary, so huge, so humbling. I don't know, a lot of feelings.

I'm also realizing that a lot of my spiritual struggles almost always rely entirely on fear. Fear. Fear. Fear. There are very few times when I'm not afraid. I want out of this loop of endless fear and despair! And yet, find myself knowing that God has all this. ARGH!

[Rusty Claymore]

I agree, that as a human looking at it, it seems really unrealistic that God would erase all of our direct insults and outright disobediences to Him. People just don't (and won't ever) do that. And the only reason I believe He did is because He said so. Haha, I'm not super deep, am I? XP

I don't know if I can fully accept this or rather that I even deserve it.

For the acceptance bit, luckily we don't have to do it on our own strength. I often times feel that I'm now indebtted to God cause He took my sins away, but that isn't the point or intent(luckily, otherwise heaven would have to be some celestial forced labor camp... XP). I know I don't desrve it. I deserve the deepest darkest hottest pit of a pit in Hell. There is nothing I can ever do to deserve it. I don't believe it's about deserving, I believe it's about restoration of what was lost back in the beginning.

This being said, I realize that by denying Christ, by denying this gift is like a self-pity slap into my own Creators face. Man just feels so overwhelming, so scary, so huge, so humbling. I don't know, a lot of feelings.

It's a flood that has made me give up once or twice before. Something that has helped me when thinking about Man is that each person is an individual who has the same hurts, doubts, and troubles that I do.

Fear. Fear. Fear. There are very few times when I'm not afraid. I want out of this loop of endless fear and despair! And yet, find myself knowing that God has all this. ARGH!

I often hear Christians who appear to have it all together say that fear stems from not having a big enough God. That way of saying it bothers me, actually... It seems to trivialize a very real and difficult situation. In real life, God sent the Isrealites through harrowing experiences to demonstrate His power and control to them, so they could remember those instances when they became afraid. Later with Joshua, God had him actually stand stones up to commemorate deliverances and victories. God actually told Joshua to do that so that when children look at those stones and ask why their standing on end, the Isrealites could tell them of how God delivered them. All that to say: I have one definite standing stone in my life. One thing to look back upon and know God delivered me, and it's kinda pathetic at that. But that's all I can offer on dealing with fear, that you look back into your past, and find the experiences that make God's deliverence personal to you no matter how small or pathetic. The fears you face are much greater than any I've had to deal with yet, but I know you can break the cycle of fear and despair! God promised He'll take away your fears and give you hope instead of despair, and God always keeps His promises!
A little thing I stumbled across that I've been using to keep on going is a Japanese Yojijukugo (four Kanji saying) that matches a verse in Proverbs(scarily close).
しちてんはつき -Shichi ten hatsu ki: Literally translated as "Seven", "to turn around or change", "Eight", "to get up", or "Fall seven times, get up Eight." I forget where I heard the wording of the verse, "The righteous man falls seven times, but the wicked fall once and are destroyed." since when I looked it up just now it was worded differently... Proverbs 24:16. Anways, what sepparated the righteous from the wicked here was that the righteous keep getting up. We only suffer loss when we stop trying.

Hmm, I'm getting the feeling I've been talking too much... but it's really helping me continue to iron out the wrinkles in my own stuggles.
...sorry for the massive wall of text! I use way too many words... >.<

[Kunoichi]

Honestly Rusty, I really appreciate it.

I often hear Christians who appear to have it all together say that fear stems from not having a big enough God. That way of saying it bothers me, actually... It seems to trivialize a very real and difficult situation.

This speaks to me immensely. Not that I am not happy for those that experience this. I envy it terribly. I just know that that is not where I am at. I feel when people tell me "I must not really be saved", or "I am just not living the Christian life", that I must be doing something wrong. I thought the whole point was that I couldn't do anything right in the first place?!

I don't know. That's probably very unfair to many people who mean this in a nice manner. I guess its just how it goes across my nerves.

With all my life experiences, with all the things that I shouldn't have survived, you would think that somehow I would have that always fresh of God's control. And yet, its like a month to two months after, I lose that fire. Seems really shallow when I type it. Really shallow.

[bkilbour]

A dry spell is a dry spell.
Elijah was told by the angel to walk across the desert with nothing but the meal he had just eaten, and God saw him through it, yes?
And I myself have been in such situations before.
It'll be okay.

[K. Ayato]

I understand your frustrations. It's hard when you look at other Believers around you who seem to be much more fruitful and mature and you end up wondering why you're not at the level they seem to be at. I've been on both ends of that. There were times growing up where I asked myself "What is wrong with me?", as well as times where I felt I had reached the top and would look at others and ask "What is wrong with THEM?".

It wasn't easy, but I learned that Christian growth is not based on how your compare to other Believers nor is it measured on a line-graph. Nor is it a one-size-fits-all kind of process. I know it's difficult to grasp, but the next time you see someone who appears to have it all together in their life as a Believer, remember that there were times (maybe even just one) when they felt as dry and as empty as you.

Another thing to understand is that God doesn't judge you or become less loving simply because you're not maturing at a certain rate. If He did, we'd all be in big trouble. I understand your confusion about who God is, based on what you're going through and what you've heard.

Going through "dry spells" in your faith is something I believe we all go through. Jesus didn't promise us that in following Him we'd become free of all of life's problems, but He did promise that He'd be there with us. Another thing that blows me away is the verses found at the end of Hebrews 4. They state that Jesus was tempted in every area of life that we sometimes find ourselves in, yet He was still perfect. That just blows me away. Jesus was fully God, yet fully man (I know you've heard that many times). But think about it. He didn't have to experience all the frustration, pain, heartache, and every other negative thing we can go through, but He did. Wow.

Hope that helps a bit. Feel free to PM any of us if you have any other questions. Take care, hon.

[Kunoichi]

It wasn't easy, but I learned that Christian growth is not based on how your compare to other Believers nor is it measured on a line-graph. Nor is it a one-size-fits-all kind of process. I know it's difficult to grasp, but the next time you see someone who appears to have it all together in their life as a Believer, remember that there were times (maybe even just one) when they felt as dry and as empty as you.

Thank you! This really helps me. I feel constantly that I'm under pressure (from myself and other followers) that I need to "shape up". It is like having that overcasting shadow over you and say "You just aren't doing this well enough."

For many years, that is what I was taught. For some, maybe they would have blown it off or just known that that isn't a Christian attitude, but I didn't. I accepted it among other things I was taught.

Thank you for who have responded and not trivialized what I'm experiencing. I actually spoke to my mom and her boyfriend about going to church, which they agreed to. I'm hoping that will also help. What is equally frustrating is that I feel/felt that my relationship with God was improving, I mean we actually had started to talk and then WHAM, this hits. Granted I moved and am in a very nightmarish place for me (long story with past history), and I think that has definitely hit a blow for me spiritually.

I guess I wonder how come it always seems that other believers DO have it all together? I read about Paul, the disciples, and everyone else in the Bible and just think "Why can't I be like that?" Then am reminded that it wasn't their works that made them who they were, it was God. So then the question switches to, "What is wrong with me that I'm not that way? Am I really defected?"

K.Ayato, you said it pretty perfectly to be honest. I'm just glad I'm not alone in what I'm feeling and that others can see this for the struggle that it is for me, even if they don't experience it in the same way.

[Atria35]

Believe me, no matter how 'together' they may seem to be, chances are that they aren't. You're only seeing a small part of their lives. They just might not express what's wrong, or have it all out there, showing- which is why you don't see it. Or, as K said, they are at a high point in their lives. But they have most definitely been through what you're going through at least once.

I know that I knew a girl who's family always seemed to have it together- then we got to be friends. And learned quite quickly that their relationships with God are.... more of a mess than mine. But it wasn't something that was immediately apparent, and some people just don't like to advertize the fact- because of things like what you've been through. Some people can be cruel about it.

Just remember that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle- even if it's hard, He knows that we can make it through. It just takes time, and a LOT of patience, to do it. But you are determined to make it work, so I'm sure it will. It'll hurt, I'm sure, and be frustrating. I understand. I have issues with that, myself. But I'm very sure it'll work out for you, somehow.

[Sheenar]

I'm sorry that I haven't replied sooner. I was struggling to think out a response. I am going through something similar currently --a lengthy dry spell --stressful circumstances.

But there's one thing I have learned: these times only last for a season. God is faithful and He will see us through. He never leaves us or casts us aside. We are far from perfect, but He loves us --deeper and more truly than anyone else ever can. And that fact we can find refuge and hope in, even when we don't understand and we don't see a way out.

As for others seeming "perfect," no one is. And one person's spiritual "status" cannot be based on the perceived spirtual level of another person. We all mature and grow at our own rates --some get there faster, others take longer. And that is perfectly okay --it is your own individual journey with God --between you and Him. We are all at different places in our journey --there is no "one size fits all" standard for a right relationship with the Lord.

[Atria35]

As for others seeming "perfect," no one is. And one person's spiritual "status" cannot be based on the perceived spirtual level of another person. We all mature and grow at our own rates --some get there faster, others take longer. And that is perfectly okay --it is your own individual journey with God --between you and Him. We are all at different places in our journey --there is no "one size fits all" standard for a right relationship with the Lord.

True. I should take that to heart. What's a good relationship for one person may not be the relationship for another- we're all individuals, and God is with us all in different ways. We don't all need Him in the same way.

[Kunoichi]

Atria and Sheenar, thank you for replying to this.

I guess I forget how individual in a sense that this journey is. I have to say that I still hate parts of this journey. I think I was very disillusioned and taught a lot of falsehoods early in my walk. This came from a variety of sources, me being the first one of course. The others were wolves in sheep's clothing to be sure. Some were Christians who just weren't thinking or perhaps were disillusioned themselves. Whatever the reason, I am where I am.

I still want to learn how to grow in a relationship with Him. I'm not very good at relationships with other people so how I'm going to create a healthy relationship with my Savior and Creator? I'm working on it, would love to know anyone's suggestions to how I can get through this and come out stronger on the other side.

[Atria35]

Well, if you're going by the literal interpretation of the Bible, then God created Eve because he believed that it was good for Adam to have a partner, and not be alone. By the not-so-literal interpretation, the reason there are so many of us is because God believes that we should not be alone in our lives. This will be a little long to get to the point, so please bear with me....

I've found that being more open with other people makes me more open with myself in other aspects of my life, both mental and spiritual. The way I got to make relationships with other people? Practice. I had virtually no friends until I hit junior high, and when I stopped worrying about it and started being true to myself (like being comfortable with my obsessive reading habits, gaining an interest in other religions and cultures, etc) that I found people I could be comfortable with. Basically, I aproached people who I thought would have similar interests and ideas in things. People who I saw reading certain books, or had always been civil to me before.... Those I approached first. And now, while I still don't care to do it, I can approach strangers and attempt conversation with them. I've found that approaching with a good attitude makes it easier- while I still meet people who are strange or are angry/upset, those incidents don't bother me as much, and I find far more nice people than I would have believed before.

Maintaining those friendships was hard, too- I made a lot of mistakes, and number one was not getting their contact info. If I meet someone I like, I always ask whether they'd like to hang out some other time, then get a phone number or Facebook page. I make it a point that, every weekend, I go through my list of friends and decide whether or not I have to/need to/should call or email. I set aside time specifically for this, and every friend gets a phone call or email once a month at least.

How does this all apply? Well, I found that regularly maintaining my friendships also helped me mantain my relationship with God. Setting aside time for friends also meant that afterward I could talk to Him. If I didn't know what to say, I would pretend that I was composing a letter to a friend, talking about what was happening, what was upsetting me, what was making me happy. Because in that way, God is like your best friend- always there for you, ready to comfort and support you when you need it. It might seem silly if you think He already knows what's going on in your life and how you feel about it, but treating Him like He's on a pedestal probably will make you feel further rather than closer. If you feel that He is your best friend, then keeping respect will be easy- assuming you respect your friends automatically. And God is always willing to listen.

[Mr. Rogers]

Kunoichi - We are doing a series in my church right now called Mirrors that talks about everything you are struggling with. Give one of the messages a listen and see what you think.

http://theorchardcommunity.com/series

[Nami]

You have tons of encouragement dear, I'm not sure why you want my lowly advice. But recently I read this wonderful book by Jerry Bridges, the man is a genius, he exposes parts of you, you never knew you had! I was shocked at how much his words helped me.

As for the Bible and feeling like crap everytime you open it, I felt that for years, only this year did I finally start seeing that even though its pointing out our sins, God gives us answers to how to give Him our all. Jerry Bridges said that David or someone cried out to God and told Him all his sins. Now I do that every time I've sinned and even though we are saved, we MUST always tell God what we have done, its no good trying to hide it. And cry, its fine! God will be there ready to hold us in His arms, even when we don't know it!

I don't really know what else to say except that Jerry Bridges said; Sin no longer reigns in our bodies.

We are the ones who decided whether to sin or not. Satan can tempt us, but ultimately, we decide. And if you listen, you'll hear teh Holy Spirit trying to bring us back.

[Kunoichi]

I want to say thank you to everyone who has posted here. Nami, i always appreciate your input hun. I am finding a renewed love and spiritual fulfillment in the Lord (not a spiritual high mind you) despite that situationally not much has changed.