The air was crisp, but not cold. A quiet breeze lifted my hair. Leaves were no longer the fresh green they were when spring came. The scene looked not real, but like a colorful painting. I looked down the side of the cliff, the height did not scare me. I jumped. And spread my wings. I flew.
The wind whipped through my hair as I soared.
BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP!!!!
Whoa! Time for school! I groaned at myself angrily for not thinking to change my alarm to the radio setting, or at least placing it on the other side of my room. I turned the alarm off and sat up.
That dream. It's true that most people have probably had a dream like it, but I doubt they have had the same one over and over since they were little.
Odd.
After I got dressed I went down stairs. "Kirsten, there are sausages! Have a great day at school! Don't miss the bus!" my mom yelled as she headed for work.
Slam!
Stupid door.
I grabbed a sausage and my backpack and headed out the door.
Outside the trees were just beginning to bud with little green leaves and the flowers starting to blossom.
At the bus stop I waited for a few short minutes and boarded the bus when it arrived.
"Hey, Trisher, forget something?" a random kid hollered. I looked down.
No shoes. Or socks. Right.
I grabbed a pair of flip-flops out of my bag. This was the third time this week so I was prepared. I sat next to Gerty.
"Nice save," she whispered.
"Yeah, thanks."
The bus rolled forward.
A Rude Awakening
39 posts •
Page 1 of 2 •
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A Rude Awakening
Love Momma Flower @}~~,~
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AdriTan - Posts: 474
- Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:18 am
- Location: Alaska
Very nice...needs a sequel a long one this seemed to be very short.
The orbital friendship cannon is gone. But its LEGACY LIVES ON IN US!
FOR PONY, FOR STUFF, FOR LUNA!
"I can has roleplaying!"
FOR PONY, FOR STUFF, FOR LUNA!
"I can has roleplaying!"
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raider~joseph - Posts: 245
- Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2009 9:32 pm
- Location: In a dive to my heart. After the Luna Keyblade.
Praise:
Good grammar. :'D
I like this character's voice--she talks like a teenager, but isn't obnoxious.
Criticism:
The tense is inconsistent throughout. (It changes between past and present randomly.)
Your character's name is unclear. (Is it Kirsten, or Trisher?)
***
Other than that and some minor style issues ("Woah! Time for school! I groaned at myself..." is confusing--did she groan "Woah!" at herself?), this is an okay start to something, but it's too early to tell just what yet. Do you intend to write any more for this?
Good grammar. :'D
I like this character's voice--she talks like a teenager, but isn't obnoxious.
Criticism:
The tense is inconsistent throughout. (It changes between past and present randomly.)
Your character's name is unclear. (Is it Kirsten, or Trisher?)
***
Other than that and some minor style issues ("Woah! Time for school! I groaned at myself..." is confusing--did she groan "Woah!" at herself?), this is an okay start to something, but it's too early to tell just what yet. Do you intend to write any more for this?
Hats wrote:"Frodo! Cast off your [s]sins[/s] into the fire!"
EllaEdric 06:53 -IM SO UNEQUIPPED TO BE A MAN ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY.
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FllMtl Novelist - Posts: 1722
- Joined: Wed May 26, 2010 6:31 pm
- Location: Spa Maria
Yes, I shall write more. I'll work on tenses and her name is both. I don't know how many times you've been called by last name in school, but it happens. So, her name is Kirsten Trisher. Most likely I shall change the tense to be present.
Love Momma Flower @}~~,~
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AdriTan - Posts: 474
- Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:18 am
- Location: Alaska
I get to school and the day starts off rather normally. That is to say, normal for me. Most people don't start the day off forgetting to wear their shoes.
English class: boring as usual.
Math: brain killing.
Physical education class is much to physical. Typical school day.
I finish getting dressed and head to my locker during passing period.
"Hey, I heard you forgot your shoes again," a shy voice says behind me.
"Hey, Vince."
"Um, I heard you were a size seven," he hands me a bran new pair of black sneakers.
"Wow, thanks. Jeez, how much did these cost?" I am completely touched and not sure if I should accept them.
"Not much," he is looking down at his feet, or maybe mine.
We are now grabbing things from our lockers, which happen to be right next to each other. "Their are a pair of socks in those, too. Just in case you forget your shoes again you can keep those in your locker."
"Wow, Vince, thanks a bunch. See you around."
"Yeah."
Sweet kid.
Someone bumps into me. On purpose. "Loser." Not such a sweet kid.
I turn into my science class. I think the teacher, Mr. Brunger, is literally a mad scientist.
"Alright, class, today we will learn how to make a shrinking serum."
Crickets are chirping.
"I'm just kidding of course. Maybe. Today I will make a solution and you, by scientific reasoning and testing, will tell me what it is."
"Will it be dangerous, or is someone going to have an allergic reaction?" this girl, I think her name is Margie, looks awfully concerned.
"I guess you will find out! Oh, and the first one to be correct will get a special prize."
This concerns me, because Mr. Brunger tends to think we are all a lot smarter than we really are. For example, one day this year he gave us a pop quiz in which we would have had to memorize the entire periodic table to pass.
To be continued.
English class: boring as usual.
Math: brain killing.
Physical education class is much to physical. Typical school day.
I finish getting dressed and head to my locker during passing period.
"Hey, I heard you forgot your shoes again," a shy voice says behind me.
"Hey, Vince."
"Um, I heard you were a size seven," he hands me a bran new pair of black sneakers.
"Wow, thanks. Jeez, how much did these cost?" I am completely touched and not sure if I should accept them.
"Not much," he is looking down at his feet, or maybe mine.
We are now grabbing things from our lockers, which happen to be right next to each other. "Their are a pair of socks in those, too. Just in case you forget your shoes again you can keep those in your locker."
"Wow, Vince, thanks a bunch. See you around."
"Yeah."
Sweet kid.
Someone bumps into me. On purpose. "Loser." Not such a sweet kid.
I turn into my science class. I think the teacher, Mr. Brunger, is literally a mad scientist.
"Alright, class, today we will learn how to make a shrinking serum."
Crickets are chirping.
"I'm just kidding of course. Maybe. Today I will make a solution and you, by scientific reasoning and testing, will tell me what it is."
"Will it be dangerous, or is someone going to have an allergic reaction?" this girl, I think her name is Margie, looks awfully concerned.
"I guess you will find out! Oh, and the first one to be correct will get a special prize."
This concerns me, because Mr. Brunger tends to think we are all a lot smarter than we really are. For example, one day this year he gave us a pop quiz in which we would have had to memorize the entire periodic table to pass.
To be continued.
Love Momma Flower @}~~,~
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AdriTan - Posts: 474
- Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:18 am
- Location: Alaska
He takes several unidentified flasks from the counters and mixes all kinds of colors together. Right, this should be great.......
It is now fifteen minutes before class should end and nobody has gotten anywhere. The lights are out. Suddenly the earth beneath my seat is shaking violently and everybody is diving under the desks for safety. This is to no avail. Everybody has a sample of the solution in glass beakers crashing to the floor. Now everybody, including Brunger, starts itching and forming rashes. The only exception is me.
Odd.
The ground finally becomes still and all the kids around me are totally freaking out, screaming at Mr. Brunger to tell them what the heck is wrong with them.
He just laughs maniacally. "I put some, well you could call it itching potion, in it just in case somebody was stupid enough to cheat and try to taste or touch it."
Seriously, I'm pretty sure he used to be a mad scientist.
He passes out a lot of lotion on the way out of class. Nobody notices that I'm the only one not itching. The lights are still not back on.
I am weirding myself out all the way to my locker. "Hey," Vince's shy voice makes itself heard. "How was science?"
"Weird. Really weird. Brunger is crazy. How was... what class were you just in?"
"Recrosh, she is the worst English teacher and she's even worse at keeping calm."
"Ha, yeah."
A voice comes over the intercom. "Everybody is to go home. The buses will be here for anyone who doesn't have a ride. When you reach home it will not be safe to go outside."
"Oh, joy," I mutter under my breath.
"Um, this might be an odd question, but can I come to your house? My mom just sent me a text saying that she doesn't want me home. Our house is really falling apart and she says she doesn't want it to fall on my head in an aftershock," Vince sounds rather shaken up.
"Um, yeah. Why did you buy me bran new shoes?" I can't understand this kid.
"I have a job, but my mom wont let me help her financially. I can't just spend all that on me." He doesn't usually look at me much, but he doesn't look at me at all at this point.
"Wow. Sounds tough. I take the bus to save gas, so we have to wait for the buses to come."
"Alright."
It's an hour later and we walk into my yard. I see my mom's car.
The door opens and my mom is looking at us.
"Who's your friend?"
"I'm Vince. I'm sorry to intrude, but is it alright if I stay here a couple hours?" he asks very politely.
"Of course. Come on in," my mom smiles sweetly.
"Why are you home? Did your boss make you come home because of the earthquake?" I ask my mom. She works for the F.B.I.
"No... What I'm about to tell you is confidential," she says in a strange lowered voice. "This was no earthquake. Well, it was but it was not caused by shifting of the earth's crust."
It is now fifteen minutes before class should end and nobody has gotten anywhere. The lights are out. Suddenly the earth beneath my seat is shaking violently and everybody is diving under the desks for safety. This is to no avail. Everybody has a sample of the solution in glass beakers crashing to the floor. Now everybody, including Brunger, starts itching and forming rashes. The only exception is me.
Odd.
The ground finally becomes still and all the kids around me are totally freaking out, screaming at Mr. Brunger to tell them what the heck is wrong with them.
He just laughs maniacally. "I put some, well you could call it itching potion, in it just in case somebody was stupid enough to cheat and try to taste or touch it."
Seriously, I'm pretty sure he used to be a mad scientist.
He passes out a lot of lotion on the way out of class. Nobody notices that I'm the only one not itching. The lights are still not back on.
I am weirding myself out all the way to my locker. "Hey," Vince's shy voice makes itself heard. "How was science?"
"Weird. Really weird. Brunger is crazy. How was... what class were you just in?"
"Recrosh, she is the worst English teacher and she's even worse at keeping calm."
"Ha, yeah."
A voice comes over the intercom. "Everybody is to go home. The buses will be here for anyone who doesn't have a ride. When you reach home it will not be safe to go outside."
"Oh, joy," I mutter under my breath.
"Um, this might be an odd question, but can I come to your house? My mom just sent me a text saying that she doesn't want me home. Our house is really falling apart and she says she doesn't want it to fall on my head in an aftershock," Vince sounds rather shaken up.
"Um, yeah. Why did you buy me bran new shoes?" I can't understand this kid.
"I have a job, but my mom wont let me help her financially. I can't just spend all that on me." He doesn't usually look at me much, but he doesn't look at me at all at this point.
"Wow. Sounds tough. I take the bus to save gas, so we have to wait for the buses to come."
"Alright."
It's an hour later and we walk into my yard. I see my mom's car.
The door opens and my mom is looking at us.
"Who's your friend?"
"I'm Vince. I'm sorry to intrude, but is it alright if I stay here a couple hours?" he asks very politely.
"Of course. Come on in," my mom smiles sweetly.
"Why are you home? Did your boss make you come home because of the earthquake?" I ask my mom. She works for the F.B.I.
"No... What I'm about to tell you is confidential," she says in a strange lowered voice. "This was no earthquake. Well, it was but it was not caused by shifting of the earth's crust."
Love Momma Flower @}~~,~
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AdriTan - Posts: 474
- Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:18 am
- Location: Alaska
This is amazing! I wish I had your style!
I don't have any CC, just a plea to continue to write. This story is very interesting. *nods*
I don't have any CC, just a plea to continue to write. This story is very interesting. *nods*
"I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia." ~The Silver Chair
"You can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel." ~Johnny Depp
"MOES! Sign up and sig down!"
[color="Red"]@)[/color][color="SeaGreen"]}~`,~ [/color]Carry This Rose In Your Sig, As Thanks, To All The CAA Moderators.
Sami-The warrior pokemon
This pokemon is stout in stature, but extremely loyal. it's head and ears make the shape of a samurai helmet. the scales from said helmet can be pulled out and used as kunai.
"You can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel." ~Johnny Depp
"MOES! Sign up and sig down!"
[color="Red"]@)[/color][color="SeaGreen"]}~`,~ [/color]Carry This Rose In Your Sig, As Thanks, To All The CAA Moderators.
Sami-The warrior pokemon
This pokemon is stout in stature, but extremely loyal. it's head and ears make the shape of a samurai helmet. the scales from said helmet can be pulled out and used as kunai.
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samurai10 - Posts: 285
- Joined: Thu Sep 30, 2010 2:19 pm
- Location: You're crazy if you think I'll tell you where I live.
"Oh," I say.
"What?," Vince looks as perplexed as I feel, not that I'm showing so.
"I can't go into details, but I felt you should know. As for you Vince you should probably know too. If people wouldn't panic I'd be aloud to tell you everything, but you know how that goes."
"O.K. so the earthquake wasn't an earthquake..... what next?" I ask. I am pretty weirded out, but Vince looks really disturbed. "Hey, Vince? You wanna come inside?"
He simply nods.
We walk inside I direct Vince to the couch. "Hey thanks a lot for those shoes again," I say trying to get his mind off things.
"I know who did it," he practically whispers. "No, this was not supposed to happen."
Mom has walked into the kitchen so I am left to ask what he means.
"The earthquake. Can I trust you? Not even your mom can know this, especially not her. Not now at least," he is pasty white.
"Sure," he is scaring me just a tad.
Like clockwork mom again enters the room and we both are very quiet.
"What?," Vince looks as perplexed as I feel, not that I'm showing so.
"I can't go into details, but I felt you should know. As for you Vince you should probably know too. If people wouldn't panic I'd be aloud to tell you everything, but you know how that goes."
"O.K. so the earthquake wasn't an earthquake..... what next?" I ask. I am pretty weirded out, but Vince looks really disturbed. "Hey, Vince? You wanna come inside?"
He simply nods.
We walk inside I direct Vince to the couch. "Hey thanks a lot for those shoes again," I say trying to get his mind off things.
"I know who did it," he practically whispers. "No, this was not supposed to happen."
Mom has walked into the kitchen so I am left to ask what he means.
"The earthquake. Can I trust you? Not even your mom can know this, especially not her. Not now at least," he is pasty white.
"Sure," he is scaring me just a tad.
Like clockwork mom again enters the room and we both are very quiet.
Love Momma Flower @}~~,~
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AdriTan - Posts: 474
- Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:18 am
- Location: Alaska
" Are you two hungry for something? Maybe mac and cheese?" she asks.
" Sure that would've great, Mom." I figure this will give me time to ask what on earth Vince is taking about.
When my mom is again in the kitchen he speaks,"You may think this sounds insane, but there are some people with special powers."
"You mean like magic? Or like X-men?"
"Neither, well sort of like x-men but minus the evolution bit."
"Do you mind explaining?"
"God put some powers in some genes. Most who get them are usually Christian, but sometimes..."
"Are you a Christian, too? I am, that's one of the many reasons I get picked on."
"Yes, I know. And yes I am too. I thought you knew that but anyway, most are Christians but occasionally someone else will get a talent as we call them. God always makes things work out so that the talents draw the person closer to Him. There I a kind of club for these talented and they try to help people to understand their talents and why God gave them."
" Sure that would've great, Mom." I figure this will give me time to ask what on earth Vince is taking about.
When my mom is again in the kitchen he speaks,"You may think this sounds insane, but there are some people with special powers."
"You mean like magic? Or like X-men?"
"Neither, well sort of like x-men but minus the evolution bit."
"Do you mind explaining?"
"God put some powers in some genes. Most who get them are usually Christian, but sometimes..."
"Are you a Christian, too? I am, that's one of the many reasons I get picked on."
"Yes, I know. And yes I am too. I thought you knew that but anyway, most are Christians but occasionally someone else will get a talent as we call them. God always makes things work out so that the talents draw the person closer to Him. There I a kind of club for these talented and they try to help people to understand their talents and why God gave them."
Love Momma Flower @}~~,~
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AdriTan - Posts: 474
- Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:18 am
- Location: Alaska
Oh I LOVE it so far!! It totally reminded me of a fanfiction I thought up of a while back! XD
The whole idea of talents, gifts, and special powers by God to only some types of people, it's so fun! (Mine was a fanfiction/alternative based off of an anime I like. I swapped out the powers of magic, for the powers of God. And changed the story's goal towards God.)
It's so cool seeing someone else doing a similar idea! I can't wait to read more of your story! XD
The whole idea of talents, gifts, and special powers by God to only some types of people, it's so fun! (Mine was a fanfiction/alternative based off of an anime I like. I swapped out the powers of magic, for the powers of God. And changed the story's goal towards God.)
It's so cool seeing someone else doing a similar idea! I can't wait to read more of your story! XD
Luke 10:25-27 Mark 12:28-34 Matthew 22 Deuteronomy 6:4-5 Deuteronomy 10:12
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.”
No one is perfect, but by one prayer at a time, and one step at a time, God can make our paths straight.
Proverbs 3:6 "In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight."
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.”
No one is perfect, but by one prayer at a time, and one step at a time, God can make our paths straight.
Proverbs 3:6 "In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight."
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Cc4FuzzyHuggles - Posts: 131
- Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2011 6:07 pm
- Location: I live wherever the Lord leads me. (currently in an apartment with my sweet cat.)
"Wow," I say, "So you think a person with a talent is controlling the earth's crust or something?"
"Well, it is possible. Not too long ago we found out that a teenage boy, younger than us, discovered his power. He could make things shake. He happened to be walking down his street, passing another talent bearer's house, when something happened: the rocks and gravel around him began to shake. To the experienced talent bearer watching, it was obvious that the teen had a talent. Curtis, the guy who witnessed this, wasn't sure exactly what the boy's talent was, but he was eager to find out. He asked if the teen wanted to play some video games, after all Curtis is our age so trying to hang out with the guy seemed pretty normal. After talking with the teen, Martin, he realized that he was not a Christian and that he was sort of freaked about the shaking rocks. Martin knew it was himself who had moved the rocks. The thing is when Curtis let him in on our secret talented group, Martin freaked. His emotions went wild and he started shaking the T.V. It fell and broke and Martin ran out of the house and wasn't seen around since. That was two days ago. It is totally possible that Martin, when upset, could shake the earth's crust," Vince was now not so uptight, but you could tell that he thought something bad could happen.
"Right, okay this sounds pretty cool and all but how do I know your not pulling my leg?" I believe him, but I need to be sure.
He looked right into my eyes. "Right now you feel a bit overwhelmed. You believe my story, but you can't just go off what I say. Now you feel amaz...." he starts
"Whoa! You read minds?!" I ask. I can't help but wondering if he's done it before.
"No emotions is all. I feel everyone's emotions. It can be quite.... difficult to focus sometimes."
"Well, it is possible. Not too long ago we found out that a teenage boy, younger than us, discovered his power. He could make things shake. He happened to be walking down his street, passing another talent bearer's house, when something happened: the rocks and gravel around him began to shake. To the experienced talent bearer watching, it was obvious that the teen had a talent. Curtis, the guy who witnessed this, wasn't sure exactly what the boy's talent was, but he was eager to find out. He asked if the teen wanted to play some video games, after all Curtis is our age so trying to hang out with the guy seemed pretty normal. After talking with the teen, Martin, he realized that he was not a Christian and that he was sort of freaked about the shaking rocks. Martin knew it was himself who had moved the rocks. The thing is when Curtis let him in on our secret talented group, Martin freaked. His emotions went wild and he started shaking the T.V. It fell and broke and Martin ran out of the house and wasn't seen around since. That was two days ago. It is totally possible that Martin, when upset, could shake the earth's crust," Vince was now not so uptight, but you could tell that he thought something bad could happen.
"Right, okay this sounds pretty cool and all but how do I know your not pulling my leg?" I believe him, but I need to be sure.
He looked right into my eyes. "Right now you feel a bit overwhelmed. You believe my story, but you can't just go off what I say. Now you feel amaz...." he starts
"Whoa! You read minds?!" I ask. I can't help but wondering if he's done it before.
"No emotions is all. I feel everyone's emotions. It can be quite.... difficult to focus sometimes."
Love Momma Flower @}~~,~
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AdriTan - Posts: 474
- Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:18 am
- Location: Alaska
"Well yeah, I imagine so! Do everybody's emotions come through to you all the time? That would be insane," this is totally weirding me out and at the same time it's fascinating me.
"No, it's just when I look in their eyes. But have you ever noticed how many times you look at someone's eyes? It's pretty crazy." Vince goes back to looking at his feet and I realize how many times I've seen him avoid my eyes. I never thought about it before, and I definitely never thought it meant that he could read my feelings.
My mom comes in now. "Hey, the food is just about ready to be served. What are you guys talking about?" she saw our expressions and looked at us rather curiously, "Looks kinda intense."
Vince and I shrug in unison.
"Okay..." my mom shrugs too.
"No, it's just when I look in their eyes. But have you ever noticed how many times you look at someone's eyes? It's pretty crazy." Vince goes back to looking at his feet and I realize how many times I've seen him avoid my eyes. I never thought about it before, and I definitely never thought it meant that he could read my feelings.
My mom comes in now. "Hey, the food is just about ready to be served. What are you guys talking about?" she saw our expressions and looked at us rather curiously, "Looks kinda intense."
Vince and I shrug in unison.
"Okay..." my mom shrugs too.
Love Momma Flower @}~~,~
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AdriTan - Posts: 474
- Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:18 am
- Location: Alaska
We eat our food and then turn on the TV. "Due to unkown causes school will be canceled for one month," a news girl reports. "Does it have something to do with the earthquake earlier today?" My mom changes the channel and hands Vince the remote.
"You are the guest," she says then promptly leaves the living room.
"We have to find him, if the government finds out they'd probably kill him. He needs to control his talent," Vince is as
white as a sheet again.
"I will help," I say.
"Are you crazy? This is going to be dangerous."
"I know."
"You are the guest," she says then promptly leaves the living room.
"We have to find him, if the government finds out they'd probably kill him. He needs to control his talent," Vince is as
white as a sheet again.
"I will help," I say.
"Are you crazy? This is going to be dangerous."
"I know."
Love Momma Flower @}~~,~
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AdriTan - Posts: 474
- Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:18 am
- Location: Alaska
*Wants more....* @.@
I'm having fun with this one! XD
I'm having fun with this one! XD
Luke 10:25-27 Mark 12:28-34 Matthew 22 Deuteronomy 6:4-5 Deuteronomy 10:12
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.”
No one is perfect, but by one prayer at a time, and one step at a time, God can make our paths straight.
Proverbs 3:6 "In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight."
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.”
No one is perfect, but by one prayer at a time, and one step at a time, God can make our paths straight.
Proverbs 3:6 "In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight."
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Cc4FuzzyHuggles - Posts: 131
- Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2011 6:07 pm
- Location: I live wherever the Lord leads me. (currently in an apartment with my sweet cat.)
I promise to write more, but this has been totally on a whim so I might try figuring out more of a structure before I write more. Though not much, because writing on a whim seems to work pretty good for me.... >.< who knows why. I guess I'm just one of those random people who are good at random and sparatic.
Love Momma Flower @}~~,~
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AdriTan - Posts: 474
- Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:18 am
- Location: Alaska
Vince's mom comes to get him for the night after we arrange to meet at the park the next day at 2:00.
Im on the cliff again. And when I start to fly, this time nothing disturbs me. I fly over a forest then a lake. But then something goes wrong. I am shaking and falling. I can't stop and just before I hit the ground,
I wake up.
I head to the park and arrive a half an hour early. I go for the swings but they are full so then I go to the best looking climbing tree. I bend down to take off my shoes for I always climb barefoot, but they aren't there. I shrug to myself and start to climb.
"Hey, Kirsten, is that you?" Vince says a little while later.
"Yeah let me come down."
I start climbing down but one of the branches break and I start to fall.
Im on the cliff again. And when I start to fly, this time nothing disturbs me. I fly over a forest then a lake. But then something goes wrong. I am shaking and falling. I can't stop and just before I hit the ground,
I wake up.
I head to the park and arrive a half an hour early. I go for the swings but they are full so then I go to the best looking climbing tree. I bend down to take off my shoes for I always climb barefoot, but they aren't there. I shrug to myself and start to climb.
"Hey, Kirsten, is that you?" Vince says a little while later.
"Yeah let me come down."
I start climbing down but one of the branches break and I start to fall.
Love Momma Flower @}~~,~
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AdriTan - Posts: 474
- Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:18 am
- Location: Alaska
I'm falling face down, looking below at my doom. If something doesn't happen in about a second I'm going to break my neck on a large branch. But suddenly in my peripheral vision, I see a form quickly running up using branches to step up to catch me. I don't really get a good look at my hero because he or she has me by my ribs and stomach while I'm looking at the ground. When I reach safety, Vince is asking if I'm alright and I finally get to look up at my hero. He's a he, a dirty blond haired, deep sea blue eyed he, looking down at me half smiling in triumph half frowning in concern. The expression makes him look quite silly and with the combination of my nerves in a jumble and all the adrenaline I've got to release, I just start laughing really hard.
Love Momma Flower @}~~,~
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AdriTan - Posts: 474
- Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:18 am
- Location: Alaska
Wonderful! Other than a couple minor writing style differences I have that were pricking up, the story was great. My only problem is characters. I know this happens a lot in short stories, but everything seems rushed and there's not much space in between plot-relevant dialogue to develop the characters. They're a bit vague, and I can't quite get a sense of Vince's personality.
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Vilo159 - Posts: 315
- Joined: Tue Feb 28, 2012 4:19 pm
- Location: The kingdom of Guardia
thanksWow, you've got me hooked Adri! 
(Pic made by Bio! <3)
DiamondDragon - the Sky pokemon
Ruling the skies on its thick wings, this Pokemon is feared by all flying beasts. Its twinkling wings change in the sunlight. Some people believe that this pokemon actually has diamonds that grow on its skin. Despite its intimidating size, it is an extremely friendly ally and a very dangerous enemy.
@)}~`,~
Carry This Rose In Your Sig, As Thanks, To All The CAA Moderators.
http://dragcave.net/view/JXKV4
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Diamond Dragon - Posts: 101
- Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2010 11:59 am
- Location: The Awai Kingdom
Vince and my hero are looking at me funny along with a girl and another boy for a good 20 seconds before they start laughing too. Well, everyone besides the other boy who is looking intently at the tree. When I finally calm down Vince again asks if im alright.
"Thanks to this guy," I say pointing to my hero. "What's your name, hero?"
"Oscar, you should really be more careful," Oscar says looking extremely concerned.
"I agree, Kirsten," Vince says looking down at his feet. "Seriously."
He looks like he had a heart attack. He probably almost did. "Yeah," I say, touched.
The girl that's with them speaks up now, "I'm Anastasia. This is my brother, Martin. He doesn't talk much. Do you have a talent? We all do. Oscar's as you probably figured out, is super agility. Vince told you his, and mine is telekinesis. But I can only lift things lighter than five pounds..."
She looks about twelve and it seems that she could do all the talking for all of us if she wanted to.
Her brother looks even shyer than Vince. "And what's your power," I ask Martin.
"Oh, he heals," Anastasia says for him. "He doesn't talk much."
"Doesn't get a chance to..." mutters Oscar. Vince cracks a smile.
"I heard that!" snaps Anastasia.
"Let's get to Ophelia's house. We can fill Kirsten in on everything when we get there. We're lucky that nobody saw what Oscar did," Vince says.
Vince seems to be the leader of this little group, which surprises me. He seems so shy even as he leads us to this Ophelia person's house. As I think about this I realize how mysterious he's always seemed.
I think im going to let Vince's character be exposed over time. I actually based him off a guy that im still getting to know at the church im going to now. As for Gerty I have plans.
"Thanks to this guy," I say pointing to my hero. "What's your name, hero?"
"Oscar, you should really be more careful," Oscar says looking extremely concerned.
"I agree, Kirsten," Vince says looking down at his feet. "Seriously."
He looks like he had a heart attack. He probably almost did. "Yeah," I say, touched.
The girl that's with them speaks up now, "I'm Anastasia. This is my brother, Martin. He doesn't talk much. Do you have a talent? We all do. Oscar's as you probably figured out, is super agility. Vince told you his, and mine is telekinesis. But I can only lift things lighter than five pounds..."
She looks about twelve and it seems that she could do all the talking for all of us if she wanted to.
Her brother looks even shyer than Vince. "And what's your power," I ask Martin.
"Oh, he heals," Anastasia says for him. "He doesn't talk much."
"Doesn't get a chance to..." mutters Oscar. Vince cracks a smile.
"I heard that!" snaps Anastasia.
"Let's get to Ophelia's house. We can fill Kirsten in on everything when we get there. We're lucky that nobody saw what Oscar did," Vince says.
Vince seems to be the leader of this little group, which surprises me. He seems so shy even as he leads us to this Ophelia person's house. As I think about this I realize how mysterious he's always seemed.
I think im going to let Vince's character be exposed over time. I actually based him off a guy that im still getting to know at the church im going to now. As for Gerty I have plans.
Love Momma Flower @}~~,~
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AdriTan - Posts: 474
- Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:18 am
- Location: Alaska
Vince and my hero are looking at me funny along with a girl and another boy for a good 20 seconds before they start laughing too. When I finally calm down Vince again asks if im alright.
"Thanks to this guy," I say pointing to my hero. "What's your name, hero?"
"Oscar, you should really be more careful," Oscar says looking extremely concerned.
"I agree, Kirsten," Vince says looking down at his feet. "Seriously."
He looks like he had a heart attack. He probably almost did. "Yeah," I say, touched.
The girl that's with them speaks up now, "I'm Anastasia. This is my brother, Martin. He doesn't talk much. Do you have a talent? We all do. Oscar's as you probably figured out, is super agility. Vince told you his, and mine is telekinesis. But I can only lift things lighter than five pounds..."
She looks about twelve and it seems that she could do all the talking for all of us if she wanted to.
Her brother looks even shyer than Vince. "And what's your power," I ask Martin.
"Oh, he heals," Anastasia says for him. "He doesn't talk much."
"Doesn't get a chance to..." mutters Oscar. Vince cracks a smile.
"I heard that!" snaps Anastasia.
"Let's get to Ophelia's house. We can fill Kirsten in on everything when we get there. We're lucky that nobody saw what Oscar did," Vince says.
Vince seems to be the leader of this little group, which surprises me. He seems so shy even as he leads us to this Ophelia person's house. As I think about this I realize how mysterious he's always seemed.
I think im going to let Vince's character be exposed over time. I actually based him off a guy that im still getting to know at the church im going to now.
"Thanks to this guy," I say pointing to my hero. "What's your name, hero?"
"Oscar, you should really be more careful," Oscar says looking extremely concerned.
"I agree, Kirsten," Vince says looking down at his feet. "Seriously."
He looks like he had a heart attack. He probably almost did. "Yeah," I say, touched.
The girl that's with them speaks up now, "I'm Anastasia. This is my brother, Martin. He doesn't talk much. Do you have a talent? We all do. Oscar's as you probably figured out, is super agility. Vince told you his, and mine is telekinesis. But I can only lift things lighter than five pounds..."
She looks about twelve and it seems that she could do all the talking for all of us if she wanted to.
Her brother looks even shyer than Vince. "And what's your power," I ask Martin.
"Oh, he heals," Anastasia says for him. "He doesn't talk much."
"Doesn't get a chance to..." mutters Oscar. Vince cracks a smile.
"I heard that!" snaps Anastasia.
"Let's get to Ophelia's house. We can fill Kirsten in on everything when we get there. We're lucky that nobody saw what Oscar did," Vince says.
Vince seems to be the leader of this little group, which surprises me. He seems so shy even as he leads us to this Ophelia person's house. As I think about this I realize how mysterious he's always seemed.
I think im going to let Vince's character be exposed over time. I actually based him off a guy that im still getting to know at the church im going to now.
Love Momma Flower @}~~,~
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AdriTan - Posts: 474
- Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:18 am
- Location: Alaska
Your Characters are being quite enjoyable. ^^
Luke 10:25-27 Mark 12:28-34 Matthew 22 Deuteronomy 6:4-5 Deuteronomy 10:12
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.”
No one is perfect, but by one prayer at a time, and one step at a time, God can make our paths straight.
Proverbs 3:6 "In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight."
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.”
No one is perfect, but by one prayer at a time, and one step at a time, God can make our paths straight.
Proverbs 3:6 "In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight."
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Cc4FuzzyHuggles - Posts: 131
- Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2011 6:07 pm
- Location: I live wherever the Lord leads me. (currently in an apartment with my sweet cat.)
I realize something else as we are walking along and I ask Oscar about it when we are at the house we apparently have been walking to.
"Ophelia?? Like, Hamlet?"
"Well, her parents are kind of Shakespeare crazy," he explains. "And her name means 'helper' in Greek."
"But why Ophelia?" I ask.
He shrugs, "I guess her mom just likes the name."
I think about how I fell out of that tree and shudder.
Oscar raises one eyebrow then smirks. "Ah, the irony."
Someone, I'm assuming Ophelia's mother opens the door. "Well hello! Welcome! Ophelia! You have visitors!"
Ophelia must be a senior, a year older than me. Or very tall.
Vince introduces us, "Kirsten, this is Ophelia. Ophelia, this is Kirsten."
"Hey," I say holding out a hand.
"Hello, nice to meet you," she shakes my hand.
"Ophelia?? Like, Hamlet?"
"Well, her parents are kind of Shakespeare crazy," he explains. "And her name means 'helper' in Greek."
"But why Ophelia?" I ask.
He shrugs, "I guess her mom just likes the name."
I think about how I fell out of that tree and shudder.
Oscar raises one eyebrow then smirks. "Ah, the irony."
Someone, I'm assuming Ophelia's mother opens the door. "Well hello! Welcome! Ophelia! You have visitors!"
Ophelia must be a senior, a year older than me. Or very tall.
Vince introduces us, "Kirsten, this is Ophelia. Ophelia, this is Kirsten."
"Hey," I say holding out a hand.
"Hello, nice to meet you," she shakes my hand.
Love Momma Flower @}~~,~
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AdriTan - Posts: 474
- Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:18 am
- Location: Alaska
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