How to Write Quality* Fanfiction

[uc pseudonym]

First off, I should say that this is not really about writing fanfiction in any way, shape or form. It's just something I scrapped
together after being unable to find anything worthwhile to read on fanfiction.net. I consider this piece to be mildly humorous,
though I'm not humor writer. Even with no knowledge of DBZ, you should find a few things funny, though knowing DBZ would
make it better.



There's a folder in my computer titled Cynicism. This is from it. Be warned.



-



Writing fan fiction is an art that is rarely given it's due. The internet is swiftly filling with a wave of low quality stories, giving a
bad name to all it touches. This cannot be tolerated. In the interest of improving general quality, I have provided here a simple
guide for writing good fan fiction. For this document we will use Dragonball Z, a very commonly fan-written
anime/manga/franchise, as our example.

First off, you should have a good name, something that will make people want to read your story. Fan fics must have clever
titles like: The Strongest Saiyan, A New Saiyan, Terror of the Saiyans or Everybody Loves Saiyan. Also popular (and thus
right) is the word Return. These can be used in clever ways, such as Return of Cell; Return of Buu; Return of Frieza; Return of
Saiyan; Return of Cell, Buu, Frieza and Jerry Springer. There is one word, however, that is an instant turn-off. This word is far
overused on the Internet, and is just plain in bad taste. Whenever you are writing a fan fic, please avoid using this word in the
title: codfish.

The general feel of your story should be dark and involve much fighting and blood. Remember that there is no humor in the
Dragonball Z universe and your fic should reflect this. If you want to do something with a humorous nature, you must not
include anything serious. As everyone knows, these two cannot possibly mix. If you are writing a humorous fic, there are certain
guidelines that must be followed, or the Internet will crash and your hard drive will eat your stuffed animals (this is called RAM).
At least that's what I think happens, because I haven't seen any fics that violate these rules. Ahem- anyway, here are the said
rules. Your fic should include constant lewd comments, disgusting and vulgar subject matter, and include "politically incorrect
words" at a rate of at least four per line. On a completely unrelated topic, let's talk about lemons.

Of all the methods of fanfic, the lemon is the oldest and most commonly used. This means you should do it a lot, because some
genres never get old. All lemons are based on a common concept: people are boorish, crude pigs. This is true. Even if you're a
sixth grader who can't look at the opposite gender without blushing, don't let this stop you. Remember- creativity is a good
thing. If you ever run out of ideas, do something yoai and call everyone who speaks to you a politically incorrect, bigoted
hypocrite. Everyone should write a few Bulma/Vegita lemons, because they are in sad supply on the Internet. Ha ha! No,
seriously folks, there are already plenty. This means you should make at least eight, and contribute to a little something that we
like to call "variety." I suppose, if you're feeling really adventurous, you could put a new twist on the story, or set it in an
alternate universe. (You rebel, you!)

It is a controversial issue, but some writers claim that having characters in your story can be a good thing. Give your characters
interesting names like Larry, Tom or Tom Larry. They will always begin the story stronger than everyone else for no apparent
reason. Any character can become stronger in two lines than anyone else can after training for eight years. Remember, you
should never think of a new villain, as these would confuse the reader. Take an old villain and make them return, after tacking
on a clever prefix, like Super, Ultra or Meta. If you want a sequel, just keep tacking on more of them. If you are trying to aim
for a very intelligent audience (rocket scientists or so), you might go all out and turn a good guy and make them into a bad guy.
Not only is this extremely clever, it also prevents you from having to come up with a new name. Just adding "Dark" before the
name will work wonders. For example: The Return of the Strongest Saiyan: Super Dark Meta Goku, part IV. There is no need
for villains to be stronger than the previous ones for any reason, villains automatically are ridiculously strong. You can have
Mega Cell, the dark god of the universe followed by Ed, the drunk bum and have both battles be of equal difficulty for the
fighters. Never let it enter your mind that you should have the villains ascend in power or anything so silly.

For a second, let's talk about the protagonist (latin for "tofu pudding"). If your character is a kid, they should not have any
parents, just a slightly strange old grandfather. Fire is good. Make their parents die in a fire. Make all your protagonists have
parents who die in a fire. If he is an adult, having parents is fine, but only if at some point they are killed in a fire. If not, just
never talk about them, no one will ever notice. There is a law in 47 and 1/2 states and 13 Canadian provinces that says your
main character should be shady and mean. He should also hate his father, not know who is father is, have his father show up as
the bad guy at the end, or be his own father and not know it.

On the Internet you will find vast numbers of different ways to spell any particular name. Remember, it would be wrong to be
close-minded and assume that someone who spells Krillin as Crylon is a bad person. Everyone is special, even if they show the
intelligence of partially mixed cement! As long as they don't hurt anyone, they can do whatever they want, it's their RIGHT! So
if someone wants to spell Goku as Ihatejewslonglivehitler, that's fine with them. Anyway, here is a guide of the most commonly
accepted ways of spelling names:

Goku- Gokouu

Vegita- Veggible

Yamcha- Ymcha

Tien- Ymcha

Chichi- kiki

18- 13

Krillin- Krrlyn

Hercule- Mr. Satin

Piccolo- Amway



Fun Fact!

Nappa actually means cabbage! Wow! Tell that one at a party and watch

all the guests remember important dental appointments!



Villains are an important part of any story, unless you just want to have two characters kill each other for no reason. This is
actually a tried and true old method of making a story. One classic strategy is to have Goku and Vegita fight. They will always
hate each other, Goku will always be incredibly dumb, and Vegita will always be evil. Every new author should make at least
four of these after the Bulma/Vegita fics and help contribute to the number on the Internet. Assuming you use a villain, however,
the best strategy is to make old villains come back repeatedly (see the above paragraph on villain naming). This is comforting to
readers, because it is familiar. Also, use the same plotline for every story, and copy that plotline off the show. If a bad guy has
only one form, he isn't a true bad guy. True villains can transform into anything from hulking brutes with spikes and horns, to
hulking brutes without spikes and horns, to hulking brutes with either spikes or horns. Should a good being ever fuse with an
evil being under any circumstances, the evil being will slowly take over, because good is dumb.

Battle sequences are always an important part of any Dragonball Z fan fic, and special attention must be given to them.
(Translation: have 3 pages of battles for every line of dialog/description) To be fair, a character must shout out the name of his
attack before using it. The more powerful the attack, the longer it takes to say. This is something strategists call the element of
LETTING THEM SEE IT COMING. Complex action scenes cannot be tolerated. Readers cannot understand anything more
than punches, kicks and ki blasts, which must be accompanied by much yelling. Here is a good example:

An inferior sentence: Arcing in midair, Goku barely evaded Vegita's punch. Continuing his arc, he plowed a knee into
Vegita's back, sending the saiyan prince into the ground.

The new and improved version: Goku hit Vegita. Vegita fall.

It's not necessary to use quotation marks, paragraphs or even complete sentences in your writing. Making your fan fic as
confusing as possible is key. This keeps the reader guessing, which is called "suspense." There is also something from dark
legend called an "adjective." Despite the fact that I've told you nothing about it, you should never use one of these. Ha ha! Just
a little writing humor there! Please put down your machetes! Actually, an adjective is defined by the Oxford Cambridge Olde
Book o' Stuff as: "a word that describes a certain type of cheese, and lays eggs but has no hair." Now you know.

[uc pseudonym]

If you're trying to be scary, a character MUST say "It's quiet," at some point. Another character will always reply with, "Yeah,
too quiet." When that happens, the bad guy can attack. If a town is ever peaceful, run as fast as possible, because it will shortly
be reduced to subatomic particles. There is something bad attempting to happen at every point on earth at any given moment.
Other planets have no problems whatsoever. Also, you should never use a pronoun when referring to any character. Every time
they come up, they must always be referred to by a single name, which you will spell differently every time.

You need witty dialog. After killing an enemy, have a character say something like, "The check's in the mail!" Even if it has no
relevance to anything whatsoever. Especially if it has no relevance to anything whatsoever. Aliens will always read and write
with other-worldly languages, despite speaking nothing but fluent English. Cussing is a popular form of communication among
evil villains, but only in English. Even characters that do not speak in normal English (a sign of bad story telling) must cuss in
English. Write all dialog like a play, because the average reader has the IQ of cheese whiz and cannot understand normal
sentence structure.

Also, it is a sin to ever use a period. Exclamation marks should be the only punctuation used. Question marks are acceptable
only in conjunction with multiple exclamation marks. Someone simply cannot be yelling if you do not use capital letters and at
least 3 of the same vowel in a row. If you want to boost your self-esteem (in italian, self-esteem is "hubris") use Japanese words
commonly in your fic. Also, it is unnecessary to include a dictionary of them, a person who cannot comprehend the instructions
on microwave popcorn has a firm grasp of at least 3 major languages. Just use them whenever you feel like, especially during
yelling. (International Tip! "Baka" means "Hello, how are you?" in Japanese. Say it to everyone you meet!) Now, notice how
this sentence is spruced up with Japanese:

Original: "I wish I had some food!" Goku said.

Improved: "Baka! I owari shinee" Goku said. "Vcnkl;sadf!"

Remember: Character development will clutter the story and confuse the reader. Eliminate it whenever possible, and if that can't
be done, make something blow up. If a character begins the story as a cold anti-hero, they must remain that way. Actually, all
of your characters should be cold anti-heros. In any case, every character should be flat and static. Any change would cause
the reader to become confused and have a muscle spasm that could break a strait jacket strap. Remove any scene that would
show motivation for a character's actions or any depth to their personality. Important decisions that could entirely alter a
character's life should be made in 1-2 lines. Here is an example of an excellently written decision:



KAMI: Vegita, you must sacrifice your life to save the world! !!!?!! !

VEGITA: I don't want to!

KAMI: But you have to!

VEGITA: Alright.



As always, remember the golden rule:

There are an unlimited number of saiyans in the universe, and they all

want to come to earth for one reason or another.
If you follow all this advice, your fan fiction will improve immensely. Now, let's take a classic case example that will help you
hone all the skills you have learned. We'll see two versions of it, the first done by a stupid, malnourished, Communist knave and
the second after a sophisticated touch.



SECTION 1:

Sensing a rushing of wind behind him, Vegita turned just in time to see a flash of light. Covering his eyes, he weathered the blast
and tried to look again once the light had faded. As he glanced up, his jaw slowly clenched. Standing before him, at the origin
of the flash, was Kakkarrot, but something seemed deeply wrong. His ki felt stronger, which was no wonder for him, but also
darker and sharper.

"Why are you here?" Vegita demanded, unnerved by this saiyan's unswerving gaze.

"Does it matter to you?" the visitor turned aside finally and looked toward the horizon, "I have no interest in a weakling such as
you."

"Weakling?" Vegita exploded, barely restraining himself from attacking as his hair flickered golden briefly.

"What, haven't you learned that in every universe you will always the be one who fails, who watches others steal the glory?"

"What?"

Tightening his fists, Vegita felt his anger begin to grow. Soon, he consoled himself, soon he could show this stranger proper
respect. For now, however, he needed to know a bit more. With a supreme effort of will, he pushed aside his feelings as
Kakkarrot spoke again.

"Truth hurts, doesn't it?"

Was it really possible? Was there some cosmic destiny that made him forever determined to lose? Was Kakkarrot always
better than him? Shaking his head, the saiyan prince attempted to dispel the thoughts from his head. They were weak thoughts,
he had no time for them.

"An interesting dimension you have here," Goku was saying, glancing around, still ignoring him, "I haven't seen something like
this in a long time."

"Get out!" Vegita roared, finally snapping, "Just get out!"

"Oh, is the failure angry with me?"

Rushing forward, Vegita found his fist blocked by Goku's forearm, which had seemed to appear in the way of his blow.
Leaping backward, Vegita barely ducked in time to avoid a foot that nearly rammed his head. Dodging backward quickly,
Vegita managed to avoid his opponent's attacks long enough to escape the conflict.

Launching a ki blast as he leapt into the air, Vegita smirked as smoke obscured Goku's form. He could still feel Goku's ki
within the smoke, however, and flew down to investigate. Just as he landed he felt the ki rise sharply, before he could get out of
the way, a Kamehameha slammed into him point blank and he flew backwards.

Holding his injured shoulder, Vegita grimaced and locked eyes with his opponent, then flew into an all-out assault, golden light
shimmering over his hair.



Tsk Tsk. We can't have bad writing like that, can we? This person obviously didn't put any thought into what they've written.
You can see that there is some potential, because he has an evil Goku, but he should say that (Evil Goku, or Dark Goku)
instead of assuming the reader is capable of thought. Now let's use all our finely honed skills to improve on this a bit, shall we?



SECTION 2:

I worried, Bill say

shut up, #(*$, say Vegita

"It quiet

Too quiet ( )

AHHHHHH! what this?

Vegita feel energy and see Goku appear. "Why you here! I hate you!" "Shut up! I beat

you up!" "Who are





you?!! !!" I is your long lost brother I KILL you""No! You DIIIIIEEEE!" they hit

each other. a lot. i hate you, you big weakling ; oh yea!!?!! I beat u-

p all! ha, ha ha, ha, I is winning! no you are not! oh yea!!?!! you are weasel take this Ow! That hurt! You little

&(*%)$&! No! You are the @*(&%$#!

"Kaaaaaameeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaameeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" "Ow! That hurt

Kakkarrot!" Vegita go soopr saaiya-jyin and much fight



Much better, wasn't it? Now go out there and make me proud!

[Straylight]

That was funny.

[Christianotaku]

I didt read it all please make your fics shorter .

[uc pseudonym]

The new summerized version for Christianotaku:

Write better fanfiction by writing worse and being cliche.

[Gypsy]

Ahahah! Next time you post something like this - it needs a warning -"Gypsy, don't read this while at work." My co-workers were staring at me because I started laughing like an idiot for no apparent reason. I've never been able to suppress laughter very well (as you can imagine - this got me in trouble a lot at school). I was doing fine until I read the IQ of cheese wiz line - then I was done for. Now I'm curious what other such amusing things lurk in the cynicism folder.

[uc pseudonym]

Not really. I do have one thing on video games that I need to finish writing. Most of the stuff there has a much more barbed point. I'm not so sure I'd want to post it here. If you'd like to see one, PM me.

[inkhana]

Don't listen to ChristianOtaku, UC . I loved every bit of it. Being a writer of fanfiction myself (and seldom a reader, for many of the reasons stated above) I can really appreciate this...

[ShiroiHikari]

Hehehe. That was cool. XD

I don't write no fanfiction. Don't read it either...The last time I tried, my brain about had a meltdown, and I think my IQ dropped about 20 points as a result.

[Psycho Ann]

That was classic UC ^^ I'm a DBZ fanfic writer myself and so I feel with you with the absurdity of cliches.

Chi-Chi's Frying Pan of Doom?

Random Mary Sue getting it on with *Piccolo*???

Not to mention either massive OOC-ness or WAY to much character that it's hyperbolic, two demensional (despite they ARE 2D characters--bad joke, I'll shut up now), and extremely annoying.

Then there are the "fanfics" that are just "ficlets" with 100 words or less. Usually done to "spoof" other fics with--then again, if you're writing a spoof fic, might as well make it suck too. That'll show them *roll eyes*.

[Ashley]

FYI, Protagonist is greek not latin. Geez, you didn't reasearch this very well did you?

(bursts out laughing) Ok, ok, I had to say it. No seriously though, that was quite good. Oop, quite is an adverb, shouldn't have said it. Anyway, bravo!

[uc pseudonym]

Random Mary Sue getting it on with *Piccolo*???

Grr... I was trying to keep it as general as possible, but that one almost got mentioned anyway. It's like fanservice, in a way. Cool character, then BAM someone gets ahold of the story and there it goes!

By the way, Ashley, for about a split second, I actually believed your first sentance.

[Ashley]

the first sentence was sincere. Protagonist really isn't latin. After that it goes down hill, but it's good to know I can match wits/sarcasm with the best of 'em, eh?

[uc pseudonym]

Yeah, yeah, I know the first sentance was true. I meant that for a split second I actually thought you had entirely missed the point.

[Ashley]

Oh.

[Master Kenzo]

You say mildly humerous!!!???!?!! I go hahahahaha at joke!!!

[TheMelodyMaker]

Like my mom says, one has to be good to be bad.

I notice that you applied an unwritten rule: when dividing words between lines with a hyphen, do it as much as possible in the middle o-
f a syllable. (I guess that would be included in your "confuse the reader" clause.) ^_~

I've got to let my want-to-be novelist sister see this; it's great.

[MillyFan]

This is great UC. Sadly, the parts about the Mary Sues, the stupid technical writing errors, and the utter OOCness defines much of the Trigun section of ff.net lately. There are some good stories there, but lately the newbie writers have been nothing but a constant barrage of this kind of literary spew.

"Last Chance" by Shandrial (normally an LOTR writer) was one of the better fics I've read there as of late. It's in character, it's very well written technically aside from a few mispellings, she hasn't added Mary Sues, VxW yaoi, or lemons, she's kept the language proportionate (as compared to some writers who seem to think cursing every other sentence makes for good dialogue) and so far she's got a plot that's good enough to make me actually want an update and have no idea as to what's coming next.

[SVD997]

THAT WAS HILARIOUS!!! My roomates were giveing me really strange looks.

[Whitephoenix]

Heh, heh. That was just

Anyways, if you're interested, I'm registered on fanfiction.net as Astral Sprite. I only have one item posted though, which is a Harry Potter song parody.

[Azier the Swordsman]

*thread ressurection alert*

That was great!

[uc pseudonym]

Well, since this got ressurected, I'm giving everyone who thought it was funny a general thanks. I try.

[Shao Feng-Li]

okay. i understood the actuall fan fic (i think), but what the heck is this all about? ~~~~~~~~~*oro*~~~~~~

[uc pseudonym]

Here it is, completely honestly. Sigh...

This is a joke. I am telling you the absolute worst things to do in writing fanfiction as if they are the right things to do. Along the way, I make many strange and sometimes humorous jokes.

[Shao Feng-Li]

oh

[uc pseudonym]

You're excused, but now that I've gone right out and said it I'll be upset if anyone else asks.

[Bobtheduck]

this was pretty funny... One little comment, you DO know that Hercule is not his real name, right? Hercule is the name that was assigned to his Cartoon Network character. They called him "Mr. Satan" in the uncut version. In Japanese, it's Sataan, which is the same name as "Seeraa sataan" which makes me think it should have been "Saturn" but the romanization on the cars and such spelled out "satan" and his daughter is Videl (an anagram for Devil) but that could have been a Dubism as well...

[uc pseudonym]

Yeah, yeah, I know that. Don't have to like it.

Actually, in the original, I'm pretty sure his wrestling alias was Hercule, and his real name Mr. Satan. I've heard from decent sources that Videl is actually meant to be an anagram, which would cast some light on what Toriyama intended.

[Asmi-chan]

Too wonderful! Too hilarious! Too much for such a small, concrete-resembling brain! Oh! It exploded! (the brain, the concrete is still intact)

Ooh! Intact! Isn't it a wee bit descriptive? BLEAH!?!?!?!

NEway, This is lol-est thing I've read since 'Genius and the Beast!' (a very funny MKR fic) Darn those adjectives! Always getting in my way!

Now, about Mary Sue's... (periods should only be used 3 at a time)

We could always use soooooooo maaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyy more of them, eh? Doesn't everybody love to read those ridiculously mushy scenarios including them and, say, Future Trunks? And so many other tame fangirls addddddddddooooooooooorrrrrrrrrreeeeeeee the pairings! (is dat enough extra letters?)

and nobdy neds 2 realy use spel chek, doo they? i men, theirs no tim 4 that! peeps wanna hav fix on da doble!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:?:

And sheesh, what about those MST3K versions? Dey're da lamest thing since adjectives! And, realy, the fics dey comment on ain't realy daaaaaaaaaaaattttttttttt baaaaaaaaaadddddddddd. Most of da time its onle mayb A HORRIBLE PLOT, ILLEGIBLE JARGON DEY CALL 'GRAMMA', AND A FEW TOO MANY MARY SUES!:bang::comp::mutter:

Arigato for tolerating my insanity! Ja ne!

[Asmi-chan]

P.S., uc pseudonym, I printed just the first 2 posts of this, text only, and it's 8 pages long. What do ya think of that?