Untitled

[antefurem]

I need a title for this.

With that said, here is my poem.


Inch by inch
Dark flecks covered the once open sky
While watching the world from a mountain
We came, perhaps, for love
For certainly there was love in his eyes
But my heart was devoid of light

Trickling down on us was sunlight
Covering us inch by inch
It was a wonderful sight to our eyes
Weary from gazing at a darkening sky
He whispered with a voice full of love
As we laid there on the mountain

On some cold mountain
In my soul, I saw shades of light
Could it possibly be his love
Drawing nearer, inch by inch?
I dismissed it, looking for other signs in my sky
Willing to doubt what I felt in his eyes

We could not help the meeting of our eyes
There on that high mountain
His shot through the dark of my doubting sky
As his hand moved, inch by inch
Across a wooden plank we'd found, bringing light
Intended for my heart, of hope for love

He nodded gently, affirming his love
As the heavens watched with watery eyes
Inch by inch
I rose from the plank on that mountain
With the knowledge of his brilliant light
As the sun's departed from the black sky

Raindrops fell from a broken sky
This, I realized, this is love
I watched the sparkle of the last light
Leaving his angelic eyes
As there, on that mountain
I raised him up, inch by inch

My eyes were on his, every inch by inch
And though light was no more in the sky
I could leave the mountain, knowing the touch of love.

[ShiroiHikari]

wow, very nice ^_^ I'm not very good at critiquing other people's stuff though ^^;

[Aka-chan]

It looks like a sestina, am I right? The ending words are slightly out of order if it is, but that doesn't really take away from the poem itself.

I especially like the transition from dark to light in this; the imagery is really pretty. Good job!

[EireWolf]

Very nice. I'm not good at critiquing poetry either, but I do like this one.

Call me unimaginative, but I would call it... "Inch By Inch."

[true_noir_chloe]

I think I'd go with "Inch by Inch" also. I guess I'm just an unimaginative person too. Or maybe you can call it "Touch of Love."

I do like it very much, and I'm with the others who say they don't critique poetry. I'm horrible at poetry. ^_^ It was a joy to read, however.

[antefurem]

G'hee hee... Thanks, you guys!

It is a sestina - but I'm pretty sure the words aren't out of order. If they are, I'll tinker with it. ^__^

Comments? Critiques? Reply!

[true_noir_chloe]

Comment: I love your avatar... KAWAII!!! ^_____^

Other than that, I have no idea what a sestina is. 0_o

[Aka-chan]

The way I learned sestina's it was supposed to cycle around, the first line ending words being abcdef, then the next stanza being bcdefa, third cdefab, etc. until the ending three lines.

Maybe the version I learned is different, but according to that it should be first: inch sky mountain love eyes light, second: sky mountain love eyes light inch, but your second stanza is light inch eyes sky love mountain. I'm just being nitpicky, though. I love the poem.

[antefurem]

The way I learned sestina's it was supposed to cycle around, the first line ending words being abcdef, then the next stanza being bcdefa, third cdefab, etc. until the ending three lines.

Haha, well, the way I learned it (and the way that most internet sites on poetry present it) is... well, the way I wrote it.

I must admit, that's a new way to do a sestina to me! ^__^

[Aka-chan]

Okies! That's cool, then. It was already a good poem, I was just not quite sure about the form. But anyone who writes a sestina has my infinite respect!

[starstoryteller]

"Inch by Inch" it works