Kaibone-aruu chapter 1: kygoruki's graduation

[MarcusMode]

CHAPTER 1KYGORUKIS GRADUATIONKygoruki sasumodae was a worrier that lived in a village called HoundMaiaka. The school of the legendary wolf tribe had come at hand as the only member of the wolf and tiger tribe is on his way. when kygoruki had first entered houndmaiaka high only one person had known that hes in wolf and tiger tribe,But the story remains uknown, other than the fact that kygoruki is a christian. Everyone was outside for the graduation speech for everyone who graduated at the school on that day,as well as kygoruki sasumodae.Kygorukis speech-People of houndmaiaka high: I thank you for supporting me and my friends to help make it in this Kaibone-Aruu world. ...As I move on with my new Team Kendo kaibo,I will show the world+Tiger tribe what we have to offer! Everyone cheered as kygoruki was about to leave.Houndmaiaka student:HEY!!Thats the wolf and tiger tribe kid! Everyone had used hound call and everyone had boosted their energy and chased kygoruki down, his teacher: you traitor!Kygoruki was worried until he used a charm that the school principle gave him,The moon charm. It gives a wolf tribe member full furry in their tribe energy. KygorukiHound maiaka Fury!!He spined around and made a giant tornado,Then he used his special attackWolf herricane!He spined 3 times making 3 dark wind rings to cut them then he spined one more time to cut everyone with the wolf tribe wind energy that pushed them back, afterwards,3 giant oak trees had fell and gave kygoruki enough time to escape.

[Atria35]

You really need to work on your writing. Pay attention in English class, and look at a few books to see how they write. Things like quotation marks, capitalization, and spaces between words are necessary.

Also, 'spined' isn't a word. You want 'spun'.

[MarcusMode]

Chapter 2 The Arctic Wolf:Kygoruki was still on the run with the hound maiaka students chasing him,As he was running he ran into The cave of Zero Tollerence.The students did not follow kygoruki because they knew that he had never been in the cave before.Kygoruki:Whew..Man..I thought I was dog food for sure, my God must be protecting me after all..He startes to shake.Man..Why is it so cold in he.....He stoped when he looked at his foot.What the?!..What kind of place is this??His whole body starts to freeze up.Gaaah!...Myserious student:Heh heh..I bet that fool kygoruki dint realize what he put himself in..Suits him right for trying to blend in with the wrong tribe.Kygoruki:All I have to say to this is second timothy 2:16......His head frozen up with the rest of his body.Zero tolerence is a cave that freezes anyone quicker than anything thats in the tiger tribe.Polar frost tribe guards dicided to take him back to their village since they knew who he was.Kygoruki had got out of his ice cloak thanks to the guards.Kygoruki:uuuugh....My head..He opend his eyes.Huh?Where am I?? Mysterious person:I am the leader of thePolar Frost tribe, and we would like to let you know, that we respect your culture.Because you are the key to this worlds victory from the tiger tribe.Kygoruki: uuh..Ok..Thank you for helping me..guard:Master kutsaiguy!!Queen Arctic wolf has been kidnaped!Kygoruki:Whos Arctic Wolf? Kutsaigai:Arctic Wolf Is the queen of this village,she needs to come back for our celebration,Kygoruki: Celebration of what?kutsaigai: everything will be revealed later.Kygoruki: alright,I will find her,In return of you helping me.He runs into the Arctic forest.

[MarcusMode]

Chapter 2 The Arctic Wolf:Kygoruki was still on the run with the hound maiaka students chasing him,As he was running he ran into The cave of Zero Tollerence.The students did not follow kygoruki because they knew that he had never been in the cave before.Kygoruki:Whew..Man..I thought I was dog food for sure, my God must be protecting me after all..He startes to shake.Man..Why is it so cold in he.....He stoped when he looked at his foot.What the?!..What kind of place is this??His whole body starts to freeze up.Gaaah!...Myserious student:Heh heh..I bet that fool kygoruki dint realize what he put himself in..Suits him right for trying to blend in with the wrong tribe.Kygoruki:All I have to say to this is second timothy 2:16......His head frozen up with the rest of his body.Zero tolerence is a cave that freezes anyone quicker than anything thats in the tiger tribe.Polar frost tribe guards dicided to take him back to their village since they knew who he was.Kygoruki had got out of his ice cloak thanks to the guards.Kygoruki:uuuugh....My head..He opend his eyes.Huh?Where am I?? Mysterious person:I am the leader of thePolar Frost tribe, and we would like to let you know, that we respect your culture.Because you are the key to this worlds victory from the tiger tribe.Kygoruki: uuh..Ok..Thank you for helping me..guard:Master kutsaiguy!!Queen Arctic wolf has been kidnaped!Kygoruki:Whos Arctic Wolf? Kutsaigai:Arctic Wolf Is the queen of this village,she needs to come back for our celebration,Kygoruki: Celebration of what?kutsaigai: everything will be revealed later.Kygoruki: alright,I will find her,In return of you helping me.He runs into the Arctic forest.

[mechana2015]

Marcus, please do not post multiple threads for this project. If a post is not immediately visible, it may have been caught in our sites filter, and will be approved pending moderator review.

[MarcusMode]

(confusion)

[mechana2015]

We have noted multiple posts of the same content, both in the same threads and as individual threads from you. We presume this is due to you not seeing the content showing up immediately. Content that does not show up immediately has been automatically held for moderator approval, and posting multiple times will not improve or speed up the process. Please be patient if a post is not immediately visible and wait for a moderator to approve it.

[MarcusMode]

Oh ok..it was mainly chapter 2 of my story.

[mechana2015]

Just post any further chapters as additional posts in this thread. If they don't show up right away, it will be approved shortly.

[MarcusMode]

What I post was by accident..lol.

[Davidizer13]

Hooooo boy.

Let's start with the verdict: Your story is unreadable, in its present state.

First off, use some line breaks. Stick 'em between when the speaker in a conversation changes (speaking of which, don't use that RPG character-colon-words stuff, stick with the quotation marks and "he said/spit/screamed" construction; anything else is really annoying), or when the subject or action changes significantly. Punctuation - learn it, if you haven't already, and use it properly. If you don't care enough to format or copy-edit your story, I probably won't care enough to take the extra time and effort I'd need to read it. You aren't e.e. cummings or James Joyce. Don't write like them and claim it's your "style" - you need more practice with the basics before you can mess with the formatting or narrative like that. Write more like you'd see in a real book, but even so, let your own idiosyncrasies and turns of phrase shine through. Let that be your "style."

And speaking of which, read some of them real books, the classics and stuff. The best way to learn how to write is to see how people did it well (or not so well) in the past and what's stood the test of time. It'll help you write better, trust me.

So much for formatting. Now, onto the story itself. It's incoherent and jumps around too much, but hey, at least it doesn't waste time doing silly things like explaining what's going on are and why I should care about any of it! (No, wait, that's a bad thing...) Why is the Cave of Zero Tolerance or whatever so important? Why would there be traitors in the midst of the school? What's the school meant to teach? Why is our hero there? Who are these people even fighting against, and what do they want? What does the character's Christianity or 2nd Timothy 2:16 have to do with anything? The less you explain the important points of your story, let alone why they're important, the less I'm likely to keep reading to figure them out. What's more, you essentially throw up your hands and answer some of those questions about the main character with "lol i dunno" at the beginning of your story makes it that much worse, because that means we'll never get an answer.

But let's go back to the school thing. Why a high school, and not some other type of school? (I suspect I know the answer to that, but I'll just keep that to myself for now.) Why not a school for Cubone or whatever? Sure, the magical academy concept has been done to death, but it keeps this air of "this is different" that you want in your story, clearly (or maybe not).

Or even wilder, why have a school at all? One of the first things that comes to mind when you're describing the tribes and the graduation and being out in the wild all that, is some of the descriptions in Roots by Alex Haley (one of those great books you should probably read). In the beginning of the story, the main character, living in a village in western Africa, goes out with the rest of the local boys his age to their coming-of-age ceremony. The village elders take them out into the wild and teach them all the essential skills they need to survive as men and perform the rituals that will mark them as fully grown and capable. In one scene, one of his friends points out a bird in a tree (because they're in the jungle), and the elders say "That's great, kid. Go bring it here," because he's acting like a kid still. It takes him a long while to do it, but eventually, the friend does bring it back, and he's celebrated for it. Stuff like that.

Now, this might not be what you want for your story in particular, but something like that will stretch your world out - something like that would mark your story as not just existing in a copy of suburban Western life only with bone magic, but as part of its own, fully-fledged world, distinct from anything we're used to. You're limited only by your imagination, so...yeah, get to it. You've got a lot of work to do, trust me.

[MarcusMode]

Kygoruki was in the highschool of wolf tribe members coming out as a kaibone-aruu worrior.And only one person knew he was in wolf and tiger tribe in school, until she had told one other member that was his enemy that was in tiger tribe as well.And the timothy verse ment that he kept his composure, from saying anything unnecessary.

[Atria35]

But you don't say any of that in your story. If people don't know that without asking you, then there's a problem. You need to write that into your story.

Davidizer is right - what you've written is incoherent. You are throwing around a lot of terms that people aren't going to just magically know or understand so you need to explain them, and they're not going to magically know or understand how the world you've created works unless you write that out and explain it, too.

What you've done is created an outline for a chapter. Now you need to go and fill it in with details.

Also, your grammar and punctuation are atrocious. You need to fix that up.

[Davidizer13]

But you don't say any of that in your story. If people don't know that without asking you, then there's a problem. You need to write that into your story.

That's another thing, despite your explanation, I still have no idea what any of that stuff is or why it matters. You need some sort of expository opening scene to give us more details about the characters and the setting they're in because you're throwing so many unfamiliar words and concepts at the reader. If you can't explain these huge important parts of your story properly, in or out of the story, you have to fix that.

You need to do a total rewrite to this story if it's going to have any chance of being taken seriously, and like Atria said, all you've got is an outline, not a full-fledged story you can really edit. Neither one of your "chapters" in their current state cover more than a couple minutes of action; you'll have a long way to go if you want to take this thing to your planned 150-some episodes. So, take your story apart from the top down, murder your darlings, nuke it from orbit and start afresh. It's the only way to be sure.

[MarcusMode]

Thanks for the positivity.

[Davidizer13]

Thanks for the positivity.

Hey, I just call 'em as I see them. It doesn't matter if you're Charles Dickens, at some point or another as a writer, you're going to take criticism. Someone's going to tell you your story sucks. Sure, haters gonna hate, but if you want to get anywhere as a writer, you need to listen to the people who will not only tell you that your story sucks, but will also take the time to tell you how it sucks. Don't shy away from constructive criticism, because what if it turns out they're right? And seriously, don't wriggle around and claim the flaws are your style or tell them they're wrong or anything like that, because you could be spending that time improving your writing instead of responding to critics. Take their ideas, go over your story again with a critical eye and see if they've got valid points.

Re-read, edit, rewrite, and then edit some more.

[SilverToast]

Thanks for the positivity.

I know it is hard to take constructive criticism but Davidizer and Atria are just trying to help you. It may not seem like it but they cared enough to give you advice and read your story. They cared even more about you to give you really good advice.

You may have the idea for the best world and best story but you need to show others that in your writing.
To do this you must write it in a way by which everyone can understand what you are telling them. For this reason there is an official English with grammar rules and spelling. This applies for most languages as well.

It doesn't hurt to have details in your writing as well so that your world can be better explained. Keep in mind that you know the world but readers don't which is why they need you to explain it to them.

There are some more tips about world building somewhere on CAA. That is a good place to start looking at. Goof off is a really good place to unleash your imagination. haha

[K. Ayato]

Is this for a novel, a screenplay, or an RPG script? It looks like a jumbled combination of all three. Seriously, I can't make sense of any of it. Pick a narrative style that makes sense to your readers (not just to you) and stick with it.