Full Armor 7 updated!!!

[Red_web_city]

Please check out the new episode to the F7 series I'd highly appreciate the love & feedback ty and may God continue to bless everyone
https://www.evernote.com/pub/ralphgallo ... hGallozajr

[Davidizer13]

A'ight. You're doing a lot better mechanically - it's actually readable now, for one! Not that it doesn't have huge problems with plot still, but you're steadily getting there.

I've gone and skimmed the first episode, and I have to say, it's better than I was expecting. You do a good job building the tension in the action sequence with Ezaja - there's still some weird metaphors and setting issues here and there, and the ending's heavy on deus ex machina, but up to that point it's pretty exciting. But everything else is pretty goldang ugly- let's go blow-by-blow through this thing, from the very beginning.

Your opening sequence needs work - I totally get what you're trying to do, making a quick summary of the world, maybe going before each episode, but yours is really dry, and it's got a lot of things that would work better if you showed what it was talking about instead of narrating it - the discovery of the prototype, the search for the robot, NEON launching all its agents, the conflict in the streets... Cut it down to only what's absolutely necessary for someone just jumping into the show - Giant Robo does this really, really well. In 90 seconds, you get a handle on the world, the bad guys, the good guys, and the main character. (For extra fun, the opening changes as the series progresses!) From there, unfortunately, things get ugly. That infodump at the beginning? Bad. Really bad. Go over that thing again. Stretch it out with some character interactions - since you're trying to focus on what the bad guys are doing, making them active participants in this rather than just inanimate objects that do things. And in the name of all that is holy, chop out those ridiculous metaphors about virgin blood and teapot whistles, etc.

But once you get to the last paragraph of that, it turns out all right; that dodging missiles scene is relatively tolerable. Action's what you do, it seems. That is, until you bring Jumper into this and bring it to a screeching halt. He's just there, and there are bikers for some reason. Explain: Why are there bikers, and why should I care? (You explain this later, but not very well - more on that later - and the way you toss Jumper into the story doesn't really make me want to read on and find out.) And then, the worst part, right after this kinda cool action sequence you did, you just jump over what could be another great scene, and this is especially bad because later you reference things that you should have shown in this scene. And then a robot's eyelash (?) falls to the ground because you try to be DEEP and SYMBOLIC or something and totally botch it up, and then the icing on this awful fruitcake of a scene is that you finish with a terrible deus ex machina smoke bomb escape triggered by a falling eyelash.

Next, the dialogue. No living person has ever talked like that ever. Sure, Vessel is a robot, but he's a robot that's been built to be pretty much indistinguishable from a human, as far as I can gather. Being able to have a real-sounding conversation with a person would be part of that, unless he's not meant to communicate with other humans outside of the agency. (Which brings up another thing: why do these things have to be robots? Could they be cybernetically enhanced humans? Is this so you could make them possessions of someone else and have them fight to the death in arena combat with no moral repercussions?) But none of this could explain away why Jumper sounds so stilted and unnatural; that's all your fault, broseph.

Your flashbacks are passable - they're just kinda there, with nothing particularly interesting to say about them. (Except for that description of bullies "blaspheming" Jumper's name - normally if you're accused of blasphemy, you're speaking against a god or something holy, and I doubt your goal is to make your main character into a deity...) The way you integrate them into the story is pretty clumsy, though. Personally, I think it'd flow better if you had them before the big fight, draw the viewer along on these two separate threads, and then have them blend together there.

Last one for now, but it's a huge one, a huge plot hole that you've made cornerstone to your whole story - Jumper asking Vessel to join the tournament. First of all, try going up to a soldier on guard duty (or heck, a mall cop, or even a Wal-Mart cart pusher) and ask them if they could stop what they're doing and play football with you.Try walking away from your job in the middle of your shift to go Second, you said in your opening narration that there's terrorists sticking bombs around the city, and you just had a scene where those terrorists were flying around in jet-powered dropships, shooting missiles everywhere. Even if you say that those bombs haven't been planted yet, I think a robot fight tournament's pretty low on the priority list when compared to stopping flying terrorists from destroying the city. Unfortunately, this tournament is what you've decided to build your plot around, and right now it's looking pretty implausible.

So much for that. I'll get around to the next chapter later.

I know I've said this a lot before, but if you want to make this into something serious, you're going to have to run it by a professional editor at some point, and if I, some Internet schlub who's doing this for fun, can rip this much out of your story, they're going to flay this thing alive. At some point, you're going to have to stop writing your story and start editing it; now's as good a time as any to do that.

[Red_web_city]

Read with an unlimited open imagination!! thanks for feedback I appreciate the little skimming but the eye lash was just a "calm before the storm" water breaking pregnacy effect. So I'd read it with someone else who may have watched almost every scifi movie from 90s to y2k. Umm I'll get baxk to you on the rest since I'm in a rush now to handle some business but just wanted to ty

[Red_web_city]

Imbroglio!!!

[Davidizer13]

Imbroglio!!!

Yes, that does describe your story very well.

Read with an unlimited open imagination!!

I don't think my lack of imagination's the problem here - my favorite books include one about an angel and demon teaming up to stop the apocalypse, and another about a society where giant wheeled cities drive around and consume each other. Fantastical elements in the story are not a problem for me, but what really made me like these stories were the characters in it, how they bounced off each other, the ways they pushed through their struggles. You can put anything in your world, but if you don't have believable characters that can hold it up, expand it into something that actually feels like a living world, it's not going to matter a bit how you build it.

On with the show! Scene 2!

This one's better than the last, but that's not saying much, really. I think you overplay Kubakar, making him a seething, hammy villain who SPITS OUT certain words and GROWLS through his teeth, kills underlings for fun, and says things that seem to point toward him knowing that he's a bad guy. The way he's been set up, I think it'd be better if you tried doing a calm, collected villain who truly believes his cause is the right one, who's doing it for some perceived greater good; one who out-thinks and out-intrigues the heroes.

The first scene when you mention Kubakar's first target makes the fact that there's a tournament still going on a little more palatable by saying that Kubakar hasn't undertaken his plan with the bombs yet, but all that gets undercut by the fact that he has armed jet fighters shooting things up in the streets, which would put a damper on such public gatherings. You've gotta pick one or the other here, or you have to revamp that part of the plot. Also, this:

For now, find the witnesses before the agency discovers you're the Corrupted seed or you will be taken down by one of MY men before THAT can leak out!!!

"Find the witnesses before your secret comes out, or we'll kill you before your secret comes out?" I get what you're going for here, but the way you've worded it is pretty awful. Maybe try something like "Eliminate these witnesses before they make their report. You know the consequences for failure."

Time is money!

So what exactly is Kubakar's goal here? This one implies that he's doing it because he'll get rich; calling his group a terrorist group implies that he's doing it for some cause, be it political or religious; which is it? You don't just build a bunch of robots and high explosives because it's fun or because you're EEEEEEEEVIL; you have to have some sort of reason for it.

The rest is pretty lackluster; it does the job and nothing more. If you fix the story so that your villain makes less overt threats towards life and limb. If the Seed is panicking after just checking in with Kubakar, that makes Kubakar seem even more threatening, even if he's not making any direct threats of violence towards the Corrupted Seed. It all goes to characters reacting to each other, building up the connections between them through past interactions that we don't see.

So yeah, this one is better than the last, but still not good at all. Bust out the scalpel and carve this thing into something better.

[Red_web_city]

Your honesty is highly appreciated, and I will indeed break out the scapels to carve something more believable & real. Thanks for the help

[Red_web_city]

Genetically enhanced humans?? Hmm sounds catchy but I changed them into Emo-Droids which one can take a guess that the technology used to create their A.I. has given them basic human emotions to gain a connection with their controllers. They're not just some programmable robots but are designed with wisdom so that if one droid sees he is being shot at he will have the automatic reactions to dodge, and fire back instead of letting the armor take the incomings. Umm I also added new art and would like CAA to vote for their favorite character. Thanks again
RALPH GALLOZA JR

[Davidizer13]

Um...OK? I think you're fixated on the wrong issues here. You're working on the surface elements with the latest edits you've done, like the names of things, better punctuation, slowly fleshing your story out. All these are good things, and you're doing better with them. The problem is, you haven't touched the structure that's holding it up: the characters and the plot, the order of events, how the narrative builds. If you'll excuse this metaphor, your story's got a hundred deep stab wounds all over it, and all you've done is put a couple Band-Aids on it. No matter what little concepts you tweak or names you change, the worst parts of your story will stay in place until you do serious triage to this thing, completely restructuring it from the ground up, especially if you want to have Tarantino do this thing (ahahahahaha, good luck - for one, he was a writer on nearly every movie he made, so I doubt he's taking submissions). Like I've said countless times before, if you really want this made into something serious, have a real editor look it over! (Or at the very least, another screenwriter who knows what they're talking about...) A quick swing around the Internet tells me that screenwriting contests and conventions are a good way to do this, though both seem like pretty pricey options.

That said, let's take a swing at Chapter 3.

So this is the chapter that I said was better than the others - definitely not great, but there's a good intensity and atmosphere to it in places. The first part in the confession booth is a touch heavy on infodump, and of things we just saw, at that. If you somehow make this into a series, maybe this could be a starting point to another episode, recapping the events of the first? Other than that, this part's got energy. There is, however, some issues with weird mixed metaphors, for example, "like a firefly passing a school of slugs." Normally fireflies aren't associated with being fast, but no matter what bug you choose, it's still pretty awkward. So's the way you refer to the chapter's antagonist as the "unknown biker" - there has to be a better way to say that, something that doesn't sound so clumsy, but I can't think of any at the moment.

As for the chase scene, it feels like you finally hit a rhythm. Something's finally happening in your story, something that makes me want to pay attention to the story - there's a real sense of urgency behind this scene, and it's a shame it's two and a half chapters in.

It's a double shame the way it ends, too. With the Triune Eyes, you pull the "YOU JUST ACTIVATED MY TRAP CARD" twist, where the main character yanks some heretofore unseen power out of their butt and whisk the problem away. That's sucky writing, and it gets really old really fast. Sure, I don't know what this Ezral person can do, but put some buildup or foreshadowing to it the first time it happens, something more than "yep, here's my new power! I win!" Better yet, make this scene the foreshadowing - what if Ezral tries to use her power but finds out she can't right away, so she just has to outrun the Seed this time, driving like a maniac the whole time? Think about how movie car chases usually end in movies - there's some gap that the heroes can just squeeze through before it closes in front of the baddies, or a jump their car can jump but the bad guys' Hummers can't; something that separates the protagonists and antagonists before one can catch the other. You kinda do this with the wheel, but it's really rough and doesn't flow well with the rest of the story.

So there's that.

[Red_web_city]

Once again your advice has humbled me to know I still have kinks to work out. Once I get my lantop I can begin to redo many of the scenes so I appreciate the love, and patience with my story. The plot thickens as the story goes on because I kept adding on to it since I'm doing all this oj my galaxy 3 phone. So there... thanx again

[Red_web_city]

Full Armor 7: Review

Please read Lest we kiss which is the prequal to F7 and Battle droid assembly is the continuation of it. Then you will connect the dots for a plot...

Theme:
  The theme of the story is based on a young Battle droid designer, and builder who finds himself involved in the war on terrorism when he witnesses terrorists pursuing an agency spy droid during his mission. When he assists the droid he becomes their target, and is shown the depths of the war that he now must use his skills to fight. He is torn between competing in the Red web citys annual Battle droid tournament, and aiding the Spy in the mission to stop the city from being taken hostage by the group known as The Golden Swords.

Plot:
The plot of the story is that the masked terrorist leader Amid Kubakar is a woman who was once a subject in the N.E.O.N lab, and has rebelled because of an experiment that has gone wrong. She then formed the Golden Swords to declare war on N.E.O.N in order to inflict the pain that she once felt in her heartbreak. After Kubakar bombs several points of the city the director of N.E.O.N sends forth the red alert rapid response team of Alpha droids to flood the city for a thorough scan in Operation: Flush out while the five designs are upgraded for the final stand. Jumper assembles an alliance of Battle droid controllers from the tournament as the Red web city mafia also seek to get their hands on the M5s designer who is Amids number one target.

Climax:
  The climax of the story is when Kubakar must face Renquel who was the love she once lost, and when he partakes in the fight to protect the city he uses an armor he found to aid him in the final battle against her as he tries to bind her alive to be imprisoned.




This series begins as a Scifi romance that evolves into a hard hitting action packed movie script for Anime or the big screen. If it is done in anime I'd like the art to be done like the Batman Beyond style & Ben 10 style cartoons so that it is neatly packaged with a bit more details when it comes to the Battledroids, Spy droids etc.
If this is inspiring for a cinema then I would be most likely the Director & Producer for the music, visuals etc.
Of course I would like the have a team that can include several experianced artists, and producers. Quinten tarantino as well as Steven Spielburg may be interested in working with this project so I am ready to break nights with coffee to keep me up, and cleaning up this series so that it is ready to be read by a talented known Director, and producers.

Ralph Galloza jr
©

[Red_web_city]

Need I say more??

[Davidizer13]

I haven't read your side-story yet, but the things you talk about happening in it? Those seem pretty important to the main one you're writing, especially the motivations of some of these characters, what the Golden Swords are actually trying to do... Find a way to combine the two, because one of the worst things you can do as a writer is say "if you want to understand what's going on here, you have to buy my other book! OHOHOHO" Don't do that. Sure, it's kinda OK once you've got an established series going, but you don't. Keep it all in one story, kthx.

Also, ahahaha, you truly, seriously want Quentin Tarantino to direct this thing. You do know what movies Tarantino's done, right? Stylish, quotable movies where people get bloodily murdered on a regular basis? Right now, your script has none of those things. Yes, let's have the guy who did Pulp Fiction do a half-butt Saint Seiya/Power Rangers ripoff for the kids. But it gets better! You want BOTH Steven Spielberg AND Tarantino to do your little train wreck. You're delusional if you think that's going to happen.

I'm not going to do the next chapter of this for a while. It's like no matter what I type, you see it as "you're the greatest writer ever and don't need to change a thing!" You have no idea what someone would want to read in your story, and barely a concept of a character arc or development. For reasons unknown to me, you refuse to chop this thing down to the bone - perhaps you love it in its current state too much to do anything that would actually make it tolerable, let alone BLOCKBUSTER MOVIE caliber. Have you been reading anything? You admitted before the last thing you've read that wasn't the Bible was Hatchet in middle school. That was, what? Fifteen, twenty years ago? And last time I checked, Hatchet wasn't something someone decides to put themselves through for fun - my guess is you had to do that for school. Even for someone who doesn't claim to be an aspiring writer, the way you do, that's tragic. What did books ever do to you?

Honestly, at this point, I'm not sure who's dumber - you for writing this and telling yourself it's literary genius, or me for writing this many words for so long about it, trying to help you see that it isn't.

[Red_web_city]

You must of failed to see it has become a Vampire hunter genre now so anywaysz no ones dumb because it's a developing story, and you're actually growing with it as I must have something sparking to turn into a flame if you keep reading. Thanks again because readers like yourself make me keep writing this stuff. I've already turned it into a video game concept. So there, if anyone else would like to take a crack at it, please do. Thanks and Godbless us all at CAA

[goldenspines]

It seems you are not looking for critiques/help as much as just adoring fans to fawn over your brilliance despite the fact you have not published a single bit of your writing.

So, you probably won't get adoring fans here or anywhere without something to show other than just posting stuff online (which a 5 year old can do, so it's not anything special. Heck, even I could post crappy stuff online and tell people I'm going to be famous (the same thing you are doing), but that doesn't make people like my stuff), sooooo go get yourself published, have people buy your book/movie/video game/what the heck ever else you decide you want to make, then come back asking for adoring fans once you are rolling in fame and money and whatever else you want to be rolling in.

But before that, since you're going to be all famous and rubbing elbows with Tarantino and Spielberg, better brush up on your English grammar, because currently it's in a terrible state. If you seriously speak how you type, you will be rejected as a dumb plebeian before you even get past the four hundred agents who work for these big directors. It wouldn't matter if you had the next great hit, you'd be rejected.

But I guess if you wanted feedback on your story more than just your attitude: Your story lack originality and is overall dry and boringly wordy, your character designs are meh, and you don't read enough (oh, you think I don't know? I do know). You need to get another program besides your Galaxy whatever to draw stuff on, because your drawings have awful quality.

Good luck with stuff.

[Red_web_city]

Thanks a million Golden Spine, at least I sensed honesty from your comment which is what I seek. I indeed need to reconstruct but thanks to you when I get my labtop I will fix it up better. The phone is not working but at least I have an idea no one can steal.

[Ante Bellum]

Thanks a million Golden Spine, at least I sensed honesty from your comment which is what I seek.

Because David wasn't honest at all, right?

[Red_web_city]

He had some pointers but golden was blunt and "simon" from American idol honest

[Ante Bellum]

He had nothing but pointers for you. Goldy is just one of many of us who were open about your writing, and I'm talking huge posts and paragraphs of critique, so don't say you *suddenly* got honest feedback.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

David was blunt. Goldy was just being sort-of nice but they both saying the exact same thing: Your writing sucks.

And honestly... your writing does suck. Like it's really bad. REALLY bad.

I think you should stop writing for at least two years. Then you should spend those two years (or longer) doing NOTHING but reading books. After reading like a million books you should then take a stab at writing again.

[Davidizer13]

You must of failed to see it has become a Vampire hunter genre now so

Nope. Stop right there. You're embarrassing yourself right now.

anywaysz no ones dumb because it's a developing story

And here we go again, you're going to make superficial changes to something in the story, but leave the parts that are actually problematic to fester. Know what I think? You're just doing these changes because you don't understand the concept of constructive criticism, let alone know how to take it. Every time someone brings up an issue with your story, you frantically dance around it, tossing new story ideas and changing things out of nowhere in the hopes that the people poking at it will give up, but you completely miss the point of what they're saying. You're too in love with the story as it stands now to make any meaningful improvement on it. You truly, truly need another person to look at your story, tell you what's wrong with it, and give you suggestions on how to fix it, and you need to be ready to actually do those things to the story, regardless of the consequences to the story as you've built it up in your head to be.

and you're actually growing with it as I must have something sparking to turn into a flame if you keep reading.

There are huge communities of people who actively seek out things that are poorly made, so they can laugh at it, or learn from its mistakes. On one end, you've got Mystery Science Theatre 3000. On the other, there's a lot you can learn through criticism and deconstruction - I'm following a guy who's spent the last ten years pulling apart the Left Behind series, nearly page-by-page. Every week, he makes a post holding up the horrible theology and writing up to the light, and follows the roots of those ideas through the American Christian conserv-agelical culture trying to figure out how we got from the Bible to the things we see in those dismal volumes trying to pass themselves off as Christianity. All that from books that weren't originally meant to say any of those things.

In your case, though, it's more because I'm sick of seeing things like Left Behind and the typical Christian novel/movie/music/whatever being passed as what we as Christians produce in the way of art these days, building this self-perpetuating cycle of mediocrity. J. S. Bach wrote a lot of his music for churches, for goodness' sake; whatever happened to that? I want Christian artists to do better, because they should - Colossians says no matter what work we do, we're doing it to honor God, so why not be the best you can be at whatever that is?

But at this point, you've proven yourself to be incapable of listening to anything anyone says regarding your art. I doubt you're willing to make the effort you need to hammer this into something respectable. On top of that, your outbursts and the anti-logic you've shown in response to said criticism have been pretty entertaining.

Thanks again because readers like yourself make me keep writing this stuff.

Readers as in, the people who read your stuff, or the people who are criticizing it? There's two very different tones we can have here.

I've already turned it into a video game concept.

Backpedal harder! Harder!

So there, if anyone else would like to take a crack at it, please do.

In fact, I already have. I banged this out a couple months ago - it's not polished or anything, but for a few hours' thought and minimal editing, I'm fine with it.

All I've given you this whole time is my honest opinions and a few ideas I've picked up along the way. You're a few years older than me, but if that Hatchet thing is right, I've been reading books for longer than you haven't been. I know what I like to see in a good story, and so far, I haven't seen it in yours. I suggest you get that fixed, pronto. Do a bunch of reading, find out what you like to read, and use that to make this into something even better than you could have imagined before.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Minor pet peeve: Let's steer away from using the term "deconstruction". Lol.

[Red_web_city]

Davidizer thanks so much, i'm by the 33rd street library to begin. You're the best young bro