Idea for a kick-butt Christian story

[LastLfan]

All right I have an idea for a manga call till Death. The main concept is about the biblical angel of death. The manga will be from his perspective as he has to kill people. Each chapter he will follow a person for the last couple of weeks of their lives while other angels work hard to make sure that person dies a Christian. Meanwhile demons are working for the opposite goal. Either way the Angel of death will have to kill that person and untill it is time for that person to die Death can only watch and not interfere. Main characters include angel of death a few of his fellow angels whom I have set to name, a couple of demons set to be named and God and Satan of course.

Now the thing is...I CAN'T DRAW TO SAVE MY LIFE. But I will write, so I'm looking for an artist, please respond.

[Mullet Death]

You and I are like kindred spirits or something, because I'm in pretty much the same boat. I've had a manga idea for years but I am beyond terrible at drawing. I almost wish I had the opposite problem. But yeah I like the idea.

[LastLfan]

A little bit of world building and background


Characters
Light
-Death: one of the destroying angels,three weeks before a person dies, he begins to follow them, watching as angels try to lead them to Christ by laying passages of scriptures on their heart or putting people in their path, an demons try to pull them away. Either way after three weeks that person must die.

-Raphael: one of the angels of the Lord, he is a close friend of Death and usually is assigned to the same people that Death is. He is the "apprentice" so to speak of archangel Micheal

-dezeray: one of the few female angels(Zechariah 5:9) and as such is sometimes looked down upon by her peers. Considers Death a brother...even though angels are all brothers and sisters, technically.
-God: Do I really need to explain this one, the Lord our God, loving, kind, patient. God, for more info see, well THE WHOLE BIBLE

Dark
-Zarian: one of Satan's highest ranked Fallen Angels. Death's archrival.

-kranion: The fallen angel father of Goliath.

-rodith: a strong demon born in Hell.

-Satan: again do I need to explain this one Satan=Bad

Settings
Heaven:God's kingdom, where the angels and Christians live

Hell:Satan's kingdom, where the demons fallen angels and non-Christians live

Earth: the battleground between the two sides

Armaggedon: the site of the final battle, Death has visions of this place.

[LastLfan]

Well here is the first chapter. It's not great but this my first attempt. This is the general feel i want for the story. At the moment I'm not as concerned with finding an artist as much as getting the story written. If anyone wants to do fanart however that would be greatly appreciated. (Side note heart will usually refer to heart and soul rather than the psychical heart). Without further ado I present chapter one.

CHAPTER ONE (THE NAKO SAGA PART 1)

Mr. Hondo was your average business man. He was living an average life, well until that fateful saturday. Be stepped off the curb, and got hit by a bus...well at least that's what the mortals saw.

In the spiritual world on the other hand...as Mr. Hondo starting walking down the street a figure in what appeared to be jeans and a t-shirt stepped out of the shadows and started following Mr. Hondo. As Mr. Hondo stepped off the curb a timer above his head hit zero. Knowing this to be his cue the figure stood behind him and pulled a pocket-knife out of his pocket. Well it appeared to be a pocket-knife, when opened though it was revealed to be a small scythe. The figure raised the scythe above Mr. Hondo. He saw the look in the poor man's eyes as the bus made contact. The figure whispered "I'm so sorry" and brought the scythe down and separated Mr. Hondo's soul from his body.
"Another one bites the dust eh" a winged man in armor descended down next to the figure.
"Ya, third one straight to hell this month."the figured replied

"Don't I know it," Rapheal replied rubbing the back if his neck "but you just have to send the soul on Death. Me and my squad have to try to bring them to salvation. Michael is so PIIIIISSSSEEEEEDDDD at me." He looked at Death's t-shirt "what the heck are you wearing?"

"It's a band shirt," Death replied "The Grateful Dead, figured it was appropriate."

"Whatever, well we should go back to Heaven see what our next assignment is."
The two spread their wings, Rapheal's white as snow and Death's pure black, and together the two flew back to Heaven.

As the pair began walking down the hall Rapheal heard a voice call his name
"Oh crap it's Michael, hide me Death hide me." With that Rapheal hid behind Death.
A girl with wings like Rapheal's walked up to the pair.
"Hey Deseray," Death said.
"Hey why is Rapheal hiding?"
"RAAAAAPPPPPHHHHEEEAAAALLLL"
And with that Rapheal was running for his life.

Later Death, Rapheal, Deseray and Michael were all in the chamber where they received their assignments. On the giant screen in front of them was their next assignments. Death and Rapheal were assigned to the same person as usual. Deseray got a new lifer, a person she follows and watches over till they die, Deseray was a guardian angel. And of course Michael was put in charge of Rapheal's unit.
"Death," Rapheal called as they left the room. "This guy we got assigned to watch, I worked on him for years he is stubborn as an ox. The only way we're gonna get him saved before he dies is by putting a heart lay. However my unit is one man short to pull an operation like that. Will you be our look out?"
"Look Rapheal, you're like my best friend but I'm not supposed to get involved-"
"Just this once, PLLLLEEEAAAASSSEEEE" Rapheal pleaded.

"Alright just this once" Death replied.
"Great meet me tomorrow at dawn." And Rapheal flew off happy as could be.

The next day the pair met at the man, Mr. Nako's, house along with the rest of the squad.
"Alright Death we're going in, you stay on look out for demons. Please, change out of that t-shirt, you're not intimidating."
"Fine," Death replied as his clothes turned into armor. Then the whole squad disappeared into Mr Nako's heart.

[FreddyCast]

I'm no critic, but I'd like to say a few things.
You need to work on the grammar, sometimes you make a few misspelling and at other times you confuse the present and past tense. This can easily be fixed by editing it.
Also since this is going to be a Christian story, it would be best to portray it as accurately as possible. For example, Hell is not Satan's kingdom. Satan has never once stepped foot in Hell. Although Satan and his angels will one day be sent there on the day of Judgment, The Devil is at present on the Earth tempting humanity to sin and die unsaved. Now there are fallen angels imprisoned in Hell, but no demons are "born" in Hell. Just to make this clear demons and fallen angels are the same beings. They're not separate beings like Japanese animes like to portray. If you're going to make a Christian Manga Story, don't use the animes as your sources b/c they literally have no idea what the true concept of demons and angels are or God for that matter. Use the Bible, which I know you do.
Lastly, I wasn't really captivated by the story. I wasn't really interested in any of the characters cause I didn't feel any motivations or see any characteristics that got my attention. Although your story idea is very interesting. But it's understandable that you'd have this problem since you're only a beginner, like me. Just keep working at it.
And remember, I'm no critic. Critics are like sharks, I'm just a goldfish .

Your goldfish Friend,
FreddyCast

P.S. GOLDY, MECH. Please move this to the writing section. My friend L would like it moved there.

[LastLfan]

Alright the grammar issues are easy. The others, oh boy...i have to disagree on the demon thing a lot of sources say that they are separate. Satan being in Earth i can agree with but as long as fallen angels live in Hell one of my plot points is give. The story I will definitely work on developing characters this was just to make myself familiar with the characters. I have some ideas for character development lines up. But again I'm not a professional so at this point I'm just trying to get used to writing the characters.

[ClaecElric4God]

Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna have to agree with Fred here. I don't know what "sources" you're talking about, but the Bible, the only source that's actually relevant in this situation, clearly shows that demons and "fallen angels" are one and the same.
Matthew 25:4 - Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels.
When the Bible talks about Satan and his angels, it's talking about his devils, or demons, or whatever word you want to use. But those are the only factors. When the Bible talks about demons, devils, or Satan's angels, it's talking about the same thing, just using different words. There is nothing in the Bible to indicate that they are separate beings. Demons aren't born, because they all became devils in the beginning when they sided with Satan. It's a set number.
Anyway, sorry I can't critique you're writing (I'm really not a good critic at all), I just thought I should address that. Take it or leave it, but it seems pretty obvious to me.

[LastLfan]

Alright, the sources do seem...not the best, so i'll make the change thanks for the comments

[ClaecElric4God]

I really didn't mean to sound rude or assertive. Sorry if I came off that way. I just wanted to make sure you weren't misunderstanding. Thanks for being willing to listen; that means a lot to me. I hope this story goes well for you! God bless, L.

[LastLfan]

Alright this chapter introduces a well unique idea. He have all heard the idea of something being layed on your heart. Well this shows how that works in this series. I'm not saying this is how it works or even how I think it works.(but that would be so cool if it was how it worked.) so please be open to the idea. Also I noticed that I ended up with a slightly different writing style this chapter. I'm not sure if it's a big deal but I'll probably end up making chapter one reflect this style more if I get a chance, so enjoy

CHAPTER 2(Nako Saga part 2)



The seven began to proceed with relative ease through the man known as Nako's heart. As they flew they could see the man's memories. He had certainly lived a long life. They could see him going into war, his wife's miscarriage and her eventual death. Going through all this Raphael flew down to a ledge and just watched. David saw this and flew after him. He landed beside Raphael. "What is it sir?" He asked

"You see David," Raphael replied not even turning around "I've been trying to save this man for years, yet I've never actually stopped and looked at the life he lived. This man saw so many hardships and not nearly enough compassions. No wonder his heart has been hard for so long. Come on let's get this done"

The two flew to rejoin the rest of their group. They were able to continue to fly through his heart with relative ease. It was almost too easy.
"Guys have you seen any of the fallen angels around here?" Raphael asked with sudden realization. All of them shook their heads no. "Death have you seen any fallen angels out there?" Raphael asked into his earpiece.
————————————————————————
"No none at all Raphael," death replied. It had been pretty quite since Raphael and his team had gone in. He looked around the room in utter boredom. He was used to that by this point. A lot of his job was simply watching, so when his target was asleep...he had to sit there... THE...WHOLE...TIME. It was because of all this down time that Death had to find all sorts of ways to pass the time. At the moment he had out a notebook. as he was deep in thought in heard a slight noise from beside him. He looked up and saw a slight ripple on the wall. Almost as though the wall was the surface of water. "Uh, Raphael," Death said hesitantly into his earpiece, "there, might be something here, I'm not sure."

A face with glowing violet eyes began to emerge from the wall followed by the outer tips of dark gray wings. He wore a ripped t-shirt and what appeared to be just be jeans. Until streams of dark gray armor shot out encompassing his entire body except his snow white hair. "Hello Death"

[Okami]

It might fancy your interest to look into Apocryphal texts, L. I'm thinking like, 1 Enoch and the Testament of Abraham (which deals with an angel of death) that way you can kind of get the Jewish perspective on these sorts of things from the Intertestamental period (between Old and New testaments) and I think it could really help your story out. (I'll be honest, I haven't had the chance to look at it much yet, but I learned a lot on angelology and demonology through reading those books, so I figure it can't hurt. )

[LastLfan]

Thanks for the advice I'll look into it.

[ClaecElric4God]

This is turning into an interesting story. Honestly, I know you were set on the "manga" idea, but I think this would make a great book/novel/whatever you want to call it. Obviously, your characters are cool enough that it would be nice to have some art to help your readers picture them (and it would just be cool in general), but your writing style is too likable to waste on screenplay/script writing. Maybe find a good artist to draw a few pictures of each of them (and we have lots of good artists who enjoy drawing here). And that's another point. Although you do a fairly good job of describing your characters, I would suggest going into a bit more detail. You're really only describing their wings and clothes. Describe distinctive facial features and expressions, any distinguishing characteristics, even the way they stand and walk. And don't just say "he said, he replied, he asked". In this last chapter, the only time you mentioned the way someone said something was here:

"Uh, Raphael," Death said hesitantly into his earpiece, "there, might be something here, I'm not sure."

I would probably drop the habit of talking to the reader. A big writing rule is that the author never refers to themselves or talks to the reader. Your goal is to fully immerse the reader in the story; you want them to feel like they are in it. And talking to the reader automatically throws them out and makes them feel like they're sitting outside of the story discussing it, instead of watching it - something you want to avoid at all cost. The only writer I've ever seen be able to effectively participate in his story and act like one of the characters was J. M. Barrie (Peter Pan) - and the very style of that book is so haphazard and crazy that you can't really base anything by it. It's awesome like that.
So try to avoid these:

You see Raphael was Michael's apprentice
As you probably guessed by now
What did you think was in there

You can just as easily say, "Despite being Michael's apprentice, Raphael wasn't exactly the best Angel around." This way, you're getting the same exact point across, but you're not talking directly to the reader, so you're not turning it into a commentary where the reader has to come out of the story.
And with Death's book, find some way to put an air of mystery around it, instead of trying to force curiosity on the reader. If you make it interesting enough and leave the reader hanging enough, they'll want to know more about it of their own accord.
And the biggest thing I'm seeing here...grammar. Now, you have much better grammar and sentence structure than a LOT of people I've seen, but it's still a bit rough around the edges, another thing that can throw the reader out of your story, as well as being confusing and headache-inducing. Make sure you don't have fragmented sentences, run-on sentences, or jumbled sentences. Use phrases, not just standard subject-verb-object sentences over and over again. Make sure you have proper puncuation. Put question marks at the end of questions (I think that's your biggest one). I would get a grammar book or an English textbook and study it thoroughly. Proper grammar is a writer's best friend.
I'm sure there's other stuff, but like I said, I'm not a good critic. Keep up the good work, and maybe one of our resident sharks will come by and critique it eventually. I look forward to the next installment. I'm very intrigued to see how your ideas play out.

[LastLfan]

I'm going to edit chapter 2 next before I start chapter 3, I definitely need to explain less and show more. I'm glad you like it though, definitely i'm going to focus more on the story than the manga but like you said i would love character art. Thanks for the read.

UPDATE:chapter 2 is edited and I'm now writing chapter 3

[LastLfan]

I know its a double post but this is a not quite bump but a tech check because i edited but its saying the top thing is something else which got removed so just ignore this. But know chapter three is coming

[ClaecElric4God]

Reread chapter two, and I like it. Alot. It flows better and doesn't have those awkward moments from before. One thing though, your sentences are getting choppy. Like this:

Going through all this Raphael flew down to a ledge and just watched. David saw this and flew after him. He landed beside Raphael.

There are three short, repetitive "subject, verb, prepositional phrase" sentences here. Granted, the first sentence is pretty good an probably doesn't need tweaking. But it sets a pattern that the next two follow, making it monotonous. Because they're short and simple, they could very easily be condensed into one sentence. Like this, for example:
"Going through all this, Raphael flew down to a ledge and watched. David noticed Raphael's change of course and flew after him, landing next to him."
Also, your grammar is much better, but you need to focus more on commas. If you have to read up on them and learn all their uses, that would be a good idea. Commas indicate a break or pause in a sentence, or even a change in the direction of the sentence. And when you leave out necessary commas, it not only causes confusion, but it's harder to read the sentence. Your reader will find himself reading the full sentence, realizing there was a pause when he didn't know it was there before, and having to go back and read it over again, often rethinking the sentence as well. So try to make sure you use commas when you need to. But don't overuse them, either! Then the reader is constantly tripping over themselves as their pausing throughout a paragraph over and over again.
Overall, it was much better done. Keep up the good work!

[LastLfan]

Here it is, Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The angel slowly approached Death, his hair slightly swaying with each step. Death began inching his way backwards as the familiar being stalked closer. The violet eyed being whispered "its been a while"

"Death, what's happening out there, DEATH" Raphael screamed into his earpiece. The air inside the heart had become icy cold with tension.
"W-what are we g-gonna do Raphael" one of the smaller angels piped in
Raphael raised his hand to tell them to be quiet. "Do you hear that?" He asked
They looked ahead to see any angels worst nightmare, a pure black vortex was swirling the sky above them. Demons began spilling out of the hole like ants, one carrying a single red light, a corruption.
"Death, i thought you were on the lookout, what's going on out there? DEATH"

"Well Death, i never figured I'd find you here, working on the front line," the fallen one sighed "I always took you for more of the shy bookish type."
Death rose from his seat grabbed something from the floor. As the dark angel crept closer Death looked at what he had picked up, a pocket knife, "perfect," Death said and flashed a grin. He flipped the knife open to reveal a scythe blade attached.
"Sorry Zarion but I win this round," Death flung the object like a boomerang straight at the demon. The blade flew through the air and bounced of his armor.
"Really Death, thousands of years and that's still your only trick, I don't even know how you are still able to stomach working for...that side" Zarion shuddered at the mere thought of it. "I told you, you could come join us, of course you'd be the darkest one there."

He knew it was a trap, Death told himself it was a trap, but still he bit the line "what is that supposed to mean?"
"Well my dear little Death I'm glad you asked. What I mean is look at your wings, pitch black. Now look at mine, grey. Has that master of yours told you what wing color means? No? Oh you poor thing. Well allow me to clarify," Zarion spoke like a cult leader. His every word keeping Death transfixed, as he didn't notice the tiny red sparks forming in the dark one's hand.

"White wings mean your a-ok peachy clean little do-gooder, grey means you've held corruption in your hand and placed it in someone. The only way your wings can turn pure black is if you murder a mortal. You call us the bad guys, but your worse than all of us," he kept going, his eyes told the whole story. He was the twisted Puppetmaster and Death was his new toy.

"Where are they all coming from" Raphael roared over the sound of battle. The three archers in his squad were firing volley after volley of arrows while him and three others were wielding swords on the front line. The demons pressed forward with seemingly unending soldiers, closer and closer to the center of the heart. The demon holding the corruption had five demons surrounding him with full length shields protecting him. As the formation approached the swordsman the shield men lunged forward while the head demon planted the corruption. A faint red glow began to overtake the entire place as the demons retreated knowing the job was done.

"You see Death, you're a killer, and being the killer you are, you would be the perfect fit for my master's army. We could rule side by side, wouldn't that be nice? You would be second in command of the true king's army."
That last comment brought Death back to reality, "we are nothing alike Zarion." death claimed.

Zarion looked down at the corruption brewing in his hand, what had once been a small spark was now a raging inferno. He opened his hand fully to show Death the corruption, and as Death's eyes grew wide Zarion calmly responded, "oh we're more alike than you think Death, let me show you," with that Zarion plunged his hand into Death's heart and let the corruption fester. The change was instantaneous, Death's face began to writhe in pain as the fallen angel simply smiled at him.
"Whats wrong Death? Does it HURT? do you believe me NOW?" With every scream He twisted and drove his end deeper into Death's heart as the angel began sliding down the wall.
"You're probably wondering HOW I'm doing this aren't you? AREN'T YOU? Well you see it's really simple. Your MASTER made men in HIS image, meaning they have COMPLEX and DEEP hearts and minds." Death began to scream in pain as he writhed in the ground, the dark angel still driving in the corruption.
"Angels on the other hand, ANGELS are simple, ANGELS are no more complex than a common housecat. while with a HUMAN we have to traverse into their heart, ANGELS are simple, I can just DRIVE it in. Oh, and purifying, have fun with that, see you ANGELS already know all that crap you try to force into people. So HOW are you going to teach anything new? That's the beauty of it, YOU CAN'T. But not all hope is lost, no see you can remove the Corruption, but will take DAYS, WEEKS, MONTHS, YEARS. You know I wasn't gonna tell you this, but that little scythe boomerang trick of yours, MY master gave me armor as a gift. Armor that protects me from that little letter opener. What did YOUR master give you? Oh that's right, NOTHING."
Zarion pulled his hand out and began walking away as the seven angels emerged from the heart. They attempted to stop him but as with Death's scythe their attacks were useless as Zarion melting back into the shadows.
"Death! Are you okay?" Raphael asked as he ran to his friend.

"NO, STAY BACK, JUST STAY BACK,". Death begged as he sat shaking in the corner clutching his heart.

Raphael looked up at the heaven's and whispered, "Dear Lord, what have I done?"

[LastLfan]

Alright grave digging but it should be worth it as I bring you chapter 4



The clock kept ticking as Michael paced around the room. On the other side of the door Death had been under constant medical attention for weeks as they tried to get the corruption out. As Michael paced with his wings tensed up he heard Raphael walk towards him. Silently and solemnly the pair folded up their wings and entered the hospital room. When the door creaked open the sense of desperation in the room hit the two angels immediately, the room was pure blinding white leaving Death's pitch black wings a stark contrast. Death himself was chained against an upright bed with a tube leading into his heart, glowing with the pure wisdom being pulsed into his heart. A monitor was set up near him and a doctor stood close by watching the read outs. Michael motioned to Raphael to stay put as he walked over to the Doctor.

"Any sign of improvement?" The archangel asked.

"That's the thing," said the doctor, "we seem to have gotten most of the surface corruption out, but some of it is simply too deep. What we've been feeding into him is donated wisdom from other angels, but we can't cleanse the deepest parts of him as the wisdom being put in must be of a deeper level, there is no deeper level to draw from," the doctor let out a sigh of defeat as he shook his head at the poor angel of death.

"Can I at least speak to him doc?" The archangel pleaded, "he's like a squad member to me,"

"I suppose," the doctor replied reluctantly, "but be warned, he may not be the angel you once knew,"

As the doctor left the room to give Raphael and Michael some time, the archangel went over to Death. When he stopped a foot away from him the angel of death looked at him groggily
"Oh and what does the great commander Michael want with little ol me?" He said nearly spitting the words with venom.
"Death," Michael began with his pride a little wounded, "You know I respect and I know you are only saying because of the corruption but you need to listen to me, Yuhon Nako's time is up in just a couple of days, and as your superior I need to know you can do your duty, and so I need-"

"What," Death interrupted, "do you want to run some tests on me, make sure I'm all hunky dorey. Well you know something, I'm not hunky dorey, I live for thousands upon thousands of years doing the same thing over and over and over, you'd think that would make me special right? RIGHT? Wrong, all that earned me was a trip here, forever screwed up just because I was helping a human,"

As Death started spewing hate Michael simply stood there while Raphael slowly backed out of the room unable to stand the sight of what his friend had become.
"And what's more Michael, we do all this in servitude to God who is supposed to be loving and kind...to the humans, they're so special and great, but what about us Michael? What has God done to prove he loves us, God isn't the one working to fix my heart, the angels are. God has done NOTHING for me, NOTHING. But you, oh you don't seem to mind that mr. "I'm so great cause my name is in the bible" you don't seem to mind at all, but think about this, what about when this is over? When Earth is done and sin is no more? Do you really think God will keep us then? Or would you just not even care because you're such a PATHETIC YES MAN!" As Death screamed he lunged at Michael and the chains held him back just inches from his unflinching face. Death began to cry as Michael turned and left the room."

"Michael," Raphael exclaimed when the archangel came out of the room, "is Death going to be able to finish the job?"

"No Raphael, he is in no state to leave Heaven, you're going to have to find someone else to kill Nako," Michael replied, "oh, and Raphael, I suggest studying up on Zarion. If he truly is after Death, you need to be ready, I'll take care of the final preparations for Nako." Michael turned from his apprentice as he spread his wings and jumped down to Earth to join Raphael's squad.
"David, status report?" He said,

"Looking good sir, he's going to church in the morning, and he plans on getting saved,". The young scout angel reported.

"Good, so is he already a true Christian?" The archangel asked hopefully.

"Not quite, but it seems that the sermon tomorrow will be enough to draw him over,"

"You and your team did a good job David, I know it's been rough without Raphael, but I think this is just what he needs to get back on his feet,"Michael said as he turned to head back up.

"Sir," David replied, "is Death going to be okay?"

"I don't know David," he said with a grimace as he shook his head, "I don't know"

-------–---—------------------------

Raphael stepped lightly into the library as he headed towards the scrolls of the fallen angels. He stooped down to pick up the one labeled Zarion and went to find a seat. He sat down and carefully unrolled the scroll,
"Zarion is one of the angels that went with that Old deluder Satan during the rebellion. He remained relatively inactive in spiritual warfare until the period of time the humans know as the Exodus. It was during this time that our Lord allowed Zarion to harden the heart of pharaoh which lead to the ten plagues being unleashed upon Egypt. Since then however Zarion has led many charges against our Lord and is viewed as Satan's chief demon. The only time he has been banished from Earth was by the angel of Death during the exodus."

"Wow," Raphael thought to himself, "I never even met Death until David's reign, why wouldn't he have told me about this? What else did he keep from me?" Curiosity snuck into his heart as he went back to the shelves and pulled out the scroll labeled "Death"

[ClaecElric4God]

Oh, yay! It's back. Good job, L. Though it's been so long, I had to go back and read the old stuff to refresh my memory. I also realized that I never critiqued chapter 3. So we'll try to get that all taken care of at once.
Well, it looks like your grammar has definitely done some improving. Keep up the good work! There are still a couple bumps, though, so be careful. There are lots of places where puncuation just isn't happening, whether it's commas, or periods, or whatever. Also, don't be afraid of semicolons. If a sentence feels like it has too many commas, chances are there's a good place for a semicolon in there. But they're not a wildcard; read up on them and figure out when to use them and when not to. Make sure you're capitalizing names and such. And maybe read over what you've written to make sure your sentences are complete. There are a couple places that it just looks like you accidentally left a word out.
Chapter 3 - I liked this one, a lot. There was action and character interaction and the villain was introduced nicely. You didn't give anything away with the narrative, everything worked into the plot nicely. But poor Death... I think you did a nice job of keeping the reader interested and putting some mystery around Zarion. I guess one thing that confuses me is that in chapter 3 the demons accomplished their goal, planting the corruption, but then in chapter 4 the angels are confident that the guy's going to get saved. Is that something that's going to resurface, or is it suddenly of no importance? Maybe I'm jumping the gun on that, so I'm willing to give it time to develop and explain itself.
Chapter 4 - Aw, I feel really bad for Death, even though he's turning into a jerk. Maybe that's why... I like how you're bringing God into the story. So many people do the angels vs. demons thing and forget that there's a bigger force behind it all. But yeah, I like the development of Death's attitude toward God. Also, I guess I just really like the idea of Death being "on the good side". So often the death angel is portrayed as a bad guy, but death is a neutral thing, and the Bible says "It is appointed unto man once to die, and after this the judgment". So death is an inevitability, something that affects both saved and lost. Anyways, I'm going off on a tangent. Keep up the good work, and maybe I'll come up with a more helpful critique next time.

[LastLfan]

I appreciate the input, I have something planned for that corruption you'll see. Chapter 5 will explain quite a bit.

[Panda4christ:3]

Heh, I like it cx
I would offer critique, but I'd basically just be echoing Claec XD
Keep up the good work '3'

[Wolfsong]

^^this is good so far. I feel so dang sorry for Death...you better take care of him, you hear me L? Keep up the good work.

[LastLfan]

Actually the inspiration is a mix of the cgi series angel wars, the game El Shaddai:accension of the metatron(which itself was based off the book of enoch) and the story of the passover, hence Death works for the good side

[TheGrigori]

All right I have an idea for a manga call till Death. The main concept is about the biblical angel of death. The manga will be from his perspective as he has to kill people. Each chapter he will follow a person for the last couple of weeks of their lives while other angels work hard to make sure that person dies a Christian. Meanwhile demons are working for the opposite goal. Either way the Angel of death will have to kill that person and untill it is time for that person to die Death can only watch and not interfere. Main characters include angel of death a few of his fellow angels whom I have set to name, a couple of demons set to be named and God and Satan of course.

Now the thing is...I CAN'T DRAW TO SAVE MY LIFE. But I will write, so I'm looking for an artist, please respond.

One thing you may want to do is get a book called Writing fiction for dummys. That book is really good. The other thing you may want to do is in your head go through the entire story. Develop most of your characters first. Do you want all these characters to be in present of past or both? Are there going to be any actual biblical characters such as maybe Job or Lazarus from Luke 16 the one that was in hell? Even as a novice writer when you start writing you are going to edit it a whole lot. So even if the writing doesnt start off good as you make changes it will get better. Once its done then get it professionally edited. I always tell everyone write the novel first!

[nln_rose]

hmmm... sounds interesting mind if i give a shot at drawing some of the characters?

[LastLfan]

Hey I would love that. Always looking for fanart

[LastLfan]

The door to Death's room slowly creeped open, and Deseray stepped into the room soft as a feather. She stood a moment in the doorway till the Doctor looked up and motioned for her to come in. "Ah Deseray," the doctor said, "so glad you could make it, if Death would listen to anyone right now it's you."
"Deseray nodded at the doctor as he stepped out of the room; she clutched the cross on her necklace on walked over to where Death was, stilled chain to the upright table. His eyes kept darting around the room, as if he was trying to make sense of his surrounding. As Deseray looked into his eyes she saw a bolt of red run through the blue iris. "Death," she began hesitantly, "it's me, Deseray. Do you remember me?"

Death focused on her and let his wings relax, "of course I remember you," he said in a droning voice, "we've only been friends the last 500 years or so. Well then have you come to say your goodbyes like everyone else," he said sarcastically. "Apparently I'm too corrupted to leave heaven, ironic isn't?"

Deseray sat next to him and looked back into his eyes, she no longer saw corruption in his eyes, rather, sorrow. "Death," she said as she let her wings unfold a bit, "do you remember how we met?"

"Of course I do des, It hasn't been that long," he replied with a slight smile.

"I was guarding the sweetest old lady in England," she said looking back fondly, "she had been a Christian almost her whole life, she had a wonderful family who loved her very much, for a little while I thought she would never die, then you showed up," she said with a smile. "You walked right up to me and said 'welp the girl's got three weeks left, have fun,' I couldn't believe how blunt you were, honestly I was stunned. Those three weeks were torture for me, you just kept standing there, trying to make conversation with me. I thought you were just a punk, stereotyping I guess, then you said something I'll never forget, 'why her? Why does this person get a guardian angel and not some people?' and I truly had no answer. It wasn't till those three weeks were up when she was lying in bed and I saw you walk up to her and cut the scythe into her and separate her soul that I truly understood you. You looked at her with a smile and said 'Grace I'm here to take you home' and she just looked up at you and smiled. Then she looked over and saw me and said 'why you must be my guardian angel, I always knew you were there. I don't know why you were picked to watch over me, but thank you.' I couldn't help but cry as you led her up to heaven. I was just drying my eyes when you came back down; you looked me cooly in the eye and said 'that's why, some people need a guardian angel, others don't, there's not just one kind of person so there's not just one kind of angel to protect them. I usually hate working with guardians, but you, you weren't half bad.' Thats when I got it, it wasn't that you didn't care about her, you knew you're job and helped her the way only you can." She finished her story with tears staining her rosy cheeks. Death, himself in tears, looked down at her, "Deseray," he began, "I never thought I would need my own guardian angel, but I needed that more than you know."

She stood up and looked into Death's eyes a third time; the red bolts gone now, replaced with tears. She walked over and opened the door and motioned for the doctor to come back in. He walked in to an entirely different room than he had left. Gone were the feelings of hate and desperation, replaced with love and hope. He walked over to Death and saw the look on the angel's face which told the whole story. The doctor bent over and unlatched the bar around Death's ankles, then the chains on his wrists. Death nodded to the doctor and let his wings flit about for a moment as he let them stretch. "I feel incredible, I'm gonna go show Michael," Death said before rushing out of the room to find the captain.


Meanwhile Raphael had gone back to his seat and unraveled the scroll. "Should I really do this?" he thought. "Death's been such a good friend to me over the years, but still what could he really be hiding." He looked at the top of the scroll and read the heading, "Death, the great reaper." he shook his head and rolled the scroll up and put it back on the shelf. He quietly left the library, his wings drooping in dismay.

The next morning Mr. Nako was at church, in tears from the strong message. As the hymn of invitation was announced, Raphael and his team stood by ready for any attack. Raphael looked around, still no sign of fallen angels. As Mr. Nako stood up a glint of gray wings shone and Raphael and his team began moving. As they were about to attack, a silver blur flung through the air and hit the fallen angel. They looked back to see death standing in the rafters, wings spread apart as he swooped down to dispatch the remaining foot soldiers. As Death went to join his comrades they looked down and saw Mr. Nako crying as he accepted The Lord.

"Death, you're okay," Raphael said grinning from ear to ear. "How, I thought they couldn't cure the corruption?"

"It's not cured," Death said as he expression fell, "it's still there, just under control, for now at least. Wow," he said looking at how happy the new Christian was. "This is why we do what we do," Death said to Raphael's squad. "This is why we fight the fallen angels, this is why we do the same thing day after day, to us it's the same, but for someone, for him," He said pointing to Mr. Nako, "it's brand new. Tonight he's going to die, and yes it's going to be sad, people will cry, but he won't, because tonight he'll be with us in heaven. It's been an honor serving with you all this week, you're a great squad, with a great leader, I'll see you guys around," he said as he left the church, leaving Raphael and his squad to rejoice in a job well done.

That night Mr. Nako was driving home from a meeting. Death was in the car fiddling with his knife, knowing what had to be done. Death barely flinched as a drunk driver t-boned the car on the driver's side, as he reached over and plunged the scythe blade and separated mr. Nako's soul. Mr. Nako noticed Death right away and looked at the wreckage. Off to the side they could see another reaper, a downfallen look on his face as the drunk driver began the long descent to hell. "that could have been me, couldn't it?" Mr. Nako asked.

"Yes Mike," Death answered, "if you hadn't accepted Christ this morning, I would have had to send you to hell. However, that's not the case, you made the right choice Mike, come on, let's get home." The two ascended to heaven where Michael Nako was greeted not only by family, but by Raphael and his squad. Death descended back to Earth to find Michael, the archangel waiting for him. "You did well today Death," Michael said, "but I still want to keep an eye on you," he said with a bit of hesitation.

"I know Michael, to be honest, I'm scared," Death said as his wings folded in and his head fell.

Michael noticed the fear in Death's eye, along with just a light tinge of red. "It's going to be alright Death, I'll help you overcome this."

"But what about Zarion?" Death asked, "You know he'll be back."

"Yes, he will, but you'll be ready to face him Death, I promise, you're the greatest reaper there is Death, if anyone can pull through this, you can."

Then the pair of archangel and reaper, ascended back up to Heaven.


well guys, there you go, this is kind of the pilot, the short story that if people like, I'll expand upon. I have plenty more ideas but first I want to get this improved. i have an english teacher who is a published author so I'm getting her to edit it for me, plus I'm fleshing out some of it. It's been over a year since I started this, so who knows how long it will take, but do remember this to me has always been about fun and glorifying god in a new way. I hope you guys have enjyed so far, and thanks for sticking with me, this isn't the end, nor is it the begginning of the end, this is merely the end, of the begginning.