My Christian manga,''Silver Dust''

[emmatheveritas]

Hey, everyone, it's Emma the Veritas here. I am going to dicuss the main reason I am here. It is because I am creating a self-imagined, with my little sister's co-creation of course, manga, called "Silver Dust''.

I totally redid this post because when I looked back at the post you were all right but that post was written in literally 4 minutes and that is truly NOT what Silver Dust is
Silver Dust is a Christian sci-fi fantasy manga that is set in an alternate galaxy and dimension. The main characters live on planet, whose name I haven't figured out from the start.(got a good name? Anyone?) In a medieval-esque( since,there are stone castles, horse drawn carriges, and swords used as the main weapons), steampunk-themed ( the outfitting is Victorian and there is clockwork technology), kingdom called the Violet Kingdom, lives the young Queen Satorii who rules over her land inhabited by small, anthropomorphic cats called Shimas ( named after Yoko Shimomura, a Japanese videogame composer). Queen Satorii herself is half- Shima which means she has cat ears and tail but is overall human with cerulean colored hair and shining blue eyes.
One day, Queen Satorii's relative, the ambassador and peacemaker of the planets, Roseladia,a human with a steampunk- flavored fasion, determined eyes and brownish red hair, comes from space when she believes that the evil and bloodthirsty relatives of the Shima race, the Washimas, who overall look like Shimas but with midnight black or gray skin with threee fingers and retractable claws, ,who took over the planet years ago and force everyone to worship their Queen and had banned all other religion five hundred years ago, can be defeated as she finds an ancient prophecy that will take place at their present time, which involve her ten children that could bring back the reign of the an old empire and the religion that Satorii, Roseladia, and many others still secretly hold close to their hearts.
Queen Satorii raises an old alligiance from the dust, the Veritas, a band of warriors from the past that made peace between the planets with the power of the Holy Spirit's fire in their veins, a good, magical light that filled their hearts called Silver Dust, that only existed in those who held the Redeemer , Jesus, close to their hearts and loved Him dearly, which sometimes enabled them to have powers to protect the Redeemer's ( that galaxy's name for our Christian God) people and make peace between the nations.
Roseladia, Queen Satorii, and a huge cast of my sister's and my own characters must face the Washimas as the new Veritas, and defeat their evil Empress, Empress Avaritia.
When my graphics get better, I shall hope to post the comic on here. It's better than it sounds, and if you think that something sounds spiritually unsound or want to ask me anything, please let me know. God bless you all for reading this huge post!

I don't mind encouraging tips or critque, but by beliving that I think that God is like the Force from Star Wars or that he is just an element or excuse for the magical powers in a magical girl manga, which is not what this is, I will feel as though you are questioning or insulting my faith in my own beloved Redeemer, Jesus, than you are wrong. For being a Y.P. ( I doubt that anyone else is my age on here) it really hurts my feelings to have my Christian faith insulted, whether it was accidental or on purpose, if you don't have anything Christianly nice or helpful to say, please do not say anything at all. Christians need to build eachother up, not tear eachother down, no matter your age or level of importance.
Thank you so much for reading this post and please keep my words in mind. God bless you and keep you safe in the New Year!
Veritas out!

[DecooPunk]

It sounds interesting. n_n

[Davidizer13]

A'ight. I guess since I'm the unofficial writing critic around here, I'll give this one a stab.

So you've been working on this since you're ten, right? That means you've been working on this for three years, at the very least. Now, working on things for a long time can be the norm in these sorts of creative projects, but think of this: in those years, you've been reading and experiencing new things, you've been seeing the world in new ways, and in general, you're a different person. (Or at least, I would hope you've been doing all these things!) Go back, and reassess your plot, your characters, your setting, in light of all that. What you want to do if you want to be serious about this is not something that you thought was cool back when you were ten, but something that will hold up when you're five years down the road, or more. (This is about your cat creatures, by the way.) "Murder your darlings" is the operative phrase - find the sacred cows in your work, and see what happens to it when you chop them out or completely change them.

(And as a side note, Shima is a name for a Japanese breed of dog. Not that I don't mind some Shimomura - I loved her work in Front Mission and Live a Live - but you gotta know what these words' connotations are before you start chucking them around.)

There's nothing that really grabs me in the story, honestly. It's really, really generic anime at this point. Not that a stock plot can't be done really great (see One Piece, for example), but you have to be good at it. But right now, it's bad people attack good people because world domination, good people get magical anime powers, and they stretch out the animation budget over the next couple hundred episodes. It's a solid enough formula, but you have to do it better than what I'm seeing at the moment. Additionally, the Christian elements you have aren't anything more than a veneer.The themes you're using to justify why your comic book is better than the other ones out there don't go deep enough, and the work stands out for what it is: a bog-standard fantasy anime plot BUT CHRISTIAN. I could excuse the flaws by saying that since it's Christian, it's OK, but then I would be a very poor artist and an equally bad Christian - whatever works you make, especially if you're doing it for God's purpose, you've gotta do the best you can do, and this probably isn't going to be it. Then again, I haven't read the story yet, I'm just going off the description you've given.

Speaking of Christian elements, this is a common enough problem that shows up in these sort of projects around these parts: the power of God is just treated as another anime powerup plot device. God's better than that, honestly. He's not something you can just order around for your own amusement or causes, not something scientific that bends to your whim. In a world where God brings about superpowers, God can be objectively proven through those powers, and there's no room for faith to exist in. What's more, He is bound to honor your will if only you do the things that activate the powers. The one with the powers is holding God's leash, essentially. If you want to do a superhero/special powers story, separate the powers from God, and instead explore Christianity through the characters' actions and ideas, how they live, how they think, and more. Not only will it make the theology less weird, but it'll make it more relatable to the readers - not everyone has super powers, after all, but we all have things to deal with in our lives that have to do with how to be a witness for God, what it means to follow in Jesus' footsteps, etc.

Now, I've only seen a little summary of this project, and you've probably got a lot more where that came from that might prove this all wrong, but I'm just tossing things out to give you ideas, helping you do this to the best of your abilities. Better than any other ideas I can give you, though, is that you should be reading! Reading a lot! All sorts of books, not just in the genre in which you're writing. Classics, speculative fiction, mysteries, non-fiction... Get really well-rounded, and stay there, because the best way to learn how to write better is to read good writing!

[invaderv93]

I pretty much agree with Davidizer, especially in terms of including more of the actual ideology and subtleties of Christianity if you want to make it a major part of the book. At this point it just kind of sounds like you're describing the Force or any other generic sci-fi faith, so developing it more will not only get your message across better, but will help flesh out your world and make it stand out from the pack more.
A few other tips:
1) "Medieval, Victorian, futuristic kingdom" is a pretty confusing description (I mean, there's several hundred years at least between all of those) and those periods just won't mesh right. Trust me, I've tried. Read up a little on the different -punks (cyberpunk, steampunk, clockpunk, etc.) and international history and then use that info to improve your worldbuilding.
2) The plot isn't bad, but it is kind of generic. In fact, it might actually get you in trouble if you don't differentiate it more, because your summary sounds pretty similar to the Looking Glass Wars by Frank Beddor.
3) This one's more of a pet peeve, but I'd advise simplifying or changing some of the names. Some unusual names are good to have in a sci-fi/fantasy setting, but they should still be pronounceable at a glance. If they're too out-there, it can be jarring, take you out of the action, and (especially if you, as you said, have a very large cast) make it hard to keep track of who's who and what's happening.
4) Expand on the species more. You briefly described the Shimas, but didn't really do that for the other races. Also, is Satorii also a Shima? I wasn't quite sure. If she's not, you should explain what she is and why she's ruling the Shimas.
Best of luck!

[mechana2015]

Moving thread to member projects, webmanga/comics section.

[invaderv93]

Veritas: I wasn't trying to insult your personal faith or relationship with God - in fact, I was trying to encourage you to add more of that to the story. I obviously don't think you personally believe God is like the Force. That would be a ridiculously stupid conclusion for me to draw. What I said was that your description of this Christian-based religion in your fictional world didn't seem any more detailed than most faiths in sci-fi worlds, and that there didn't seem to be a lot of Christian elements there originally. I suggested you incorporate more complex elements of the Christian faith into your story, which you have done and which I commend you for. It was not a personal attack on you in any way, and I sincerely apologize if I did something to make it seem like I was. I was just trying to help you add more Christian elements to the story and flesh out your world. I would never, ever trivialize the depth or importance of someone's person faith in their real life. That is a very important aspect of so many people's lives, including myself and yourself as well, I'm sure. To attack that would be low and vile and I would not do that to you. I meant that the religion in the STORY ALONE could be more detailed, not that your own faith was lacking. My apologies again if that wasn't initially clear. We cool?

[invaderv93]

Also, some other thoughts:
PROS:
*Like I said, you added more details about the faith and clearer, more complex connections to Christianity. Well done.
*Your setting is much clearer and more interesting. You could probably just make it straight Victorian steampunk without the few medieval elements, but there's not any serious incongruities in what you described so it's your choice.
*Thank you for adding the backstory between the Shimas and the Washimas; it raises the stakes more and makes the plot more engaging.
*The plot in general is a lot less generic and sounds more exciting than in your initial post. I'm interested in reading further.
CONS (nothing serious, just a couple minor repeat suggestions):
*Watch out for those character names - again, just a pet peeve but the name Satorii frustrates me because the pronunciation isn't clear.
*Possibly add a list of a few more of the major characters and their bios - you say you have a huge cast, but you've only mentioned about 3 who seem to matter. Make sure you actually NEED a large cast, otherwise things will get confusing.
Good job! Keep it up!

[Davidizer13]

Yeah, it was never my intention to question what your faith actually was, my concern was with how it came across in your story, but I think you've alleviated at least a bit of that concern. There's still a bit of trouble with faith in a world where the signs of faith are physically evident, unless they aren't really physical or there's some way of explaining it away; still, I've got a better idea of where you're going with this, and a little more confidence about this whole thing.

*Watch out for those character names - again, just a pet peeve but the name Satorii frustrates me because the pronunciation isn't clear.

I can answer this one - it's "sah-toe-ree." It's a Japanese word for an "aha" moment or understanding; in Zen Buddhism, it refers a first enlightenment on the path to Buddha-hood.

That's a bit of a side point, but it does bring up questions about the world of this story. Why do you use Japanese or Japanese-like words for things? Is there some further reason besides it sounding cool, like trying to build a connection between the Shima's culture and Japan's? Why cat people and not, say, dog people or lizard people? No matter what, the world should serve the needs of the story, and not the other way around. (Unless you're Tolkien.) Everything in your world that you put into the story should serve to both work into your story, and to illuminate the themes of the plot. Consider, for a blunt example, Gulliver's Travels. Each place Gulliver visits is used by the author to satirize different parts of European culture through what happens in those places. Jonathan Swift's intention was to comment on things like religious and political sectarianism, science, morality, etc., and everything that happens, as well as the settings, facilitate his comments.

For the same part, your characters should be the same way, every character should have some sort of role in the plot, to either move the plot forward, to illuminate the themes of the story, or to develop other characters. As another thing, Kurt Vonnegut once said that every character in a story should want something, even just a glass of water. And it doesn't have to be physical, it can be an ideal, or a title, power, it can be for themselves, for someone else...the possibilities are endless. But this can go in even more directions: What happens to the character when they get what they want? When they don't? If there's another person who wants the same thing, and only one can have it, what are they willing to do to get it for themselves? Figuring out things like that can help guide your plot and what happens in it.

To bring this all together, consider this other example: In a world where guns are the norm, a character chooses to fight with a sword. What does this say about the character? Is he using it out of a sense of honor he refuses to give up in the face of reality? Does his sword has personal significance to him, as a family heirloom or a token of membership in some greater cause? Does it have special qualities that justify its use, for example, enemies that can only be harmed by that sword? Or is he a "mall ninja" type duped by crackpots on the Internet or a dubious "sensei" into thinking it's better than guns? If that was your story, the way you'd answer that question would say a lot about both the character and your world at large, what's valued by both, and what themes you're trying to express through those.

One last thing, check those run-on sentences! You've got some Apostle Paul-grade ones in your post. Break up your thoughts into multiple sentences and vary your sentence lengths, it'll make your writing easier to follow.

Now, you could have all this figured out in the story itself - all you've posted so far are summaries, and nothing from the story itself, after all. But even if you have, it doesn't hurt to have a reminder of these things, or to go back and look at your work again for them with fresh eyes, because editing is always a good thing to do. Trust me on this. And while you're at it, take pointers on how to recognize and respond to constructive criticism - a lot of Internet writers tend to fail hard at this, and it gets real ugly, real fast. You've got a good enough setting, and I'm of the belief that any story idea can be good if it's done right, so make sure that's what you're doing.

Best of luck!

[goldenspines]

I can answer this one - it's "sah-toe-ree." It's a Japanese word for an "aha" moment or understanding; in Zen Buddhism, it refers a first enlightenment on the path to Buddha-hood.

You are correct, except for a minor nitpick that only the elitist snob in me would point out. >_>;; Without the extra "i" at the end, "satori" means exactly as you say. With the double "ii" at the end, it doesn't mean anything in Japanese. Actually, it doesn't even qualify as a Japanese name at all.
Actually, the name "Satori" can be spelled out in quite a few different ways beyond the definition you mentioned (meaning anything from a "blessing" and "village" combo to "left section"). For curious researchers, you can check out the rest here: http://tangorin.com/names/satori
But Japanese is confusing, especially the names. @_@ Hence why I caution anyone who wants to use it in their writings. Study study study! If possible, find a Japanese person to help you.


But I won't go into my whole spiel on Japanese names here unless someone is really interested in being accurate about that though. XD;


To the main topic and more directed at Emma, you have your work cut out for you. Now, I DO NOT mean this in the way of "Your idea is dumb, fix it", on the contrary, I mean it in the sense of "You have a lot of creativity and awesome ideas on the table! But it will take a lot of work to reign them in to a place where a reader can understand and enjoy reading/seeing what your mind is creating."
I'm an illustrator, so visual communication/story telling is right up my alley. And I can tell you that making a manga is a tough task. You not only have to deal with the written story, but you also have to make sure your pictures are telling the story as well. And you have to make both styles of story telling work together!
Since I do tend to think more visually, I can't give you too much pinpointed critique/help until you start drawing up some pages/character sheets for your manga. But I can offer you a few things you can consider as you continue creating Silver Dust.


-Build your world well. World building is tough, especially if you are starting in a whole different dimension. You have some of this already, but solidify some basic foundations/logics for your world (is the gravity the same? Is the sky still blue? Can people fly? What kind of technology exists? etc.), and then work up from there. Draw it all out on a nice graph if that would help, then hang in on a easily accessible wall so you can reference it when needed.

- Make character sheets. Basically, draw your characters each a separate sheet from several angles and sometimes different expressions. Make them as clean cut as possible. A character sheet will also include special notes about the character that may be important plot points later (e.g. "she hates pears"). Fun fact, even long time mangaka with 60+ volumes under their belt still have to reference back to character sheets, especially if they start getting a lot of characters (see: Eiichiro Oda or Araki Hirohiko). You shouldn't be expected to have EVERYTHING about your story in your head at all times. Write/draw it all out, so you can be able to focus on a few things at a time. Believe me, this will help you focus on organizing the story to flow well when you start drawing out your panels.

- Consider who your audience is. This is a no-brainer in most cases (we want everyone to read it!), but with all the excitement of creating an awesome manga, this is an easy one to miss. But this is often what can help your manga succeed or fail. Who are you directing this series towards? What age? What culture? What type of person? What religion (if any)?
If you do say "everyone" to this question, you will have a lot more work on your hands. Obviously, no matter how brilliant your manga is, not everyone is going to like it (some people don't like manga in general, for example), but trying to appeal to a huge audience will take a lot more careful planning and clever story telling than if you were to appeal to a smaller audience.
Plus, you can always start small and be able to grow bigger later! Many web comics and manga started like this.

And now, the biggest question
- Why? Why are you creating this manga? What are you hoping to give/gain? I think you do have a reason, but it doesn't seem very clear beyond "this is a cool idea!", which is a fine reason if that will keep you going. Find something even more specific than "to glorify God", which while a very valid reason can be a bit too vague for motivation in a certain direction. I find people who have a strong reason in mind for creating a project of this size will be able to keep at it, even when you face writer's/artist's block (and you will, believe me). Find what drives you to create this manga, write it down if you need to and keep it in a place where you will remember it.

These are just questions/thoughts you can consider (you don't need to tell me your answers or anything unless that would help you somehow. XD). But most of all, enjoy what you're creating. Enjoy it enough to still love creating it even if you have to change things about it, enjoy it enough to kill off old ideas at times and come up with new ones. That's the fun of creating! You can come up with a great idea, but while creating and trying new things with your work, you can improve your ideas or find different ways to make something.
Even with a single illustration, I find myself making various rough drafts and changes along the way until I get to the final product.

Best of luck to you and your sister in creating Silver Dust! I look forward to seeing this project come to life. Keep working hard! =D

[emmatheveritas]

Hey, everyone!
Thank you soooo much for taking the time to reread this! It means very much to me.
Davidlizer and invader93, I hope you didn't feel that I was prosecuting or accusing you for insulting me. I really enjoyed your critique, but I may have taken things a little personally at first, I admit. You are both great peers, I just thought I should add that request for encouragement and tips only because this is my first time on a social network and I don't know if there are those out there who sometimes don't think before they type.
I really appreciate your critique, again! It helps a lot and I hope to hear more from you in future posts!
Thank you, too, goldenspines. I think that you like davidlizer and invader will become great peers and fellow, yet more experienced artists. You all mean a lot to me. God Bless you and Happy late New Year!
Veritas out!

[Ante Bellum]

who overall look like Shimas but with midnight black or gray skin

That is really, really problematic, though. Even if you don't mean anything by it, this is something you need to change.

ALSO, I have to ask, why is there space travel in a steampunk setting? This isn't some Prime Directive deal, so why wouldn't the Shima have more advanced technology? Like, dress them up all you want, but they shouldn't be stuck on clockwork technology if faster-than-light travel (considering she moves between planets, and it sounds like it doesn't take long) exists.

[emmatheveritas]

Okay, Antebellum, you really have something misunderstood here. This I may not have posted, but I have friends who are affected by their neighbors, who are racists. I was born to treat all people with respect and love，and in Leviticus 19:33-34 it says 'When a stranger lives with you in your land, do not mistreat them. The stranger in your land must be treated like family. Love him as yourself.' God said that, and whatever he says should be an example of how we live. I really don't want to sound mean, but you don't even know what ethnicity I AM. And, I'm from a mixed-race family. So I hope you understand better. If you look anywhere for racism, you can find it. I know that's not your intention or meaning, but it hurts when you call a Christian brother or sister a racist when maybe the whole story wasn't shared.
See, the Washimas originated from dark, damp rain forests, so just like zebras have stripes to blend into grasslands, dark fur was developed for camoflauge and night vision for hunting emerged. The Shimas are distant cousins and originated from hot, grassy plains and deserts, so they gained lighter fur also for the purpose of camoflauge.
On a side note, many of my characters are taken as inspirations from real people. The Washimas and Shimas were modeled after my two beloved cats, Joe and Baby. Joe is a black cat with a white muzzle and Baby is a mostly tan calico.
Thank you very much for your support. And again, it's not that I can't take critique, it's that sometimes I could be perceiving things wrong. God bless you, and I hope to see you around!
I have chortles! Veritas out.