I should clarify a few things before I begin...
First, these are all my opinions. I, by no means, can say that this is accurate. This is just what I have come to understand in a way that makes sense to me. I hope that it also makes sense to you.
Second, please note that people will abuse passages in the Bible because people are crazy and will attach any belief they have to anything they can get ahold of that has authority. Just search youtube for "worst preacher ever" or, for the strong of heart, google pretty much any hot topic whose inflammatory discussions hurt people. Or look at any known christian-based cults. Bottomline, I come from the philosophy that the Bible is still true now and does not teach anything that is evil or wrong... but people have applied its teachings incorrectly.... typically out of fear/ignorance... but also out of desire for power/control. This is the basis for my thoughts and arguments.
Third, having read other people's responses, I will say some things that other have said... but I won't necessarily go the same route that they would. So, pardon the redundancy.
Fourth, I don't consider myself complementarian or egalitarian in terms of marriage. So don't expect me to align myself with either.
I'll address the view of women as a whole first, then finish by talking about the verse in Ephesians you mentioned about marriage.
So, the first thing that strikes me from your post is your view (or, perhaps appropriately put, struggle of the view) of women as a whole. It sounds like you have been in a culture that blames women for many things... of particular note is clothing choices resulting in lust of men. And, it seems, you are beginning to realize the toxicity of such a stigma. I think that Midori said it best, "At any rate, if you're being made to feel guilty or inferior simply for being a woman, there's obviously something wrong going on. No need to justify it when that's obviously not how God feels about you." Where to start? Going to a faith-based university, I had my share of this debate. It got heated and kinda hurtful, at times. So, I'd like to avoid that. But, here's my opinion: It is silly for men to blame women for problems of lust based on what they wear. Especially considering the sexual garbage that many people shove into their heads through media (television and movies, primarily). And, to be blunt, it won't help. The real responsibility is up to the guy. Generally, I view the argument for women wearing super-conservative clothing as an excuse for lust and/or a way to offset the blame so that the guys don't need to work on their own purity. At the same time, perhaps it is wise not to wear clothes for the purpose of getting [unhealthy] attention from guys... but I have a feeling that that isn't what you are talking about... after all, I think, the more important part is how you act, not what you wear. And, regardless, I think that it is the guy's responsibility to act in both love and wisdom. This doesn't include pointing fingers. So, now that all the responsibility for half of all Christians doesn't lie on your shoulders, perhaps I could encourage a healthier view of women. God created women. Women are a precious creation of God, just like men. I believe that God loves us all equally.... and He created a world in which both are required for the continuation of the human race (both are major players in His plan for the world). In this way, women, like men, are created in the Image of God and have equal favor with Him. And, to be honest, it is a shame more people don't recognize that fact.
Second, the ideals in marriage. Let me quote the full passage involving the "women submit" chapter...
Ephesians 5:22-33, NASB wrote: 22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, [...] 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
ok, so, I see that wives should "be subject." But what does that means? I don't want to read my patriarchal culture into this verse. The Greek verb used there can be kinda confusing. And, I don't see how it applies to men. It doesn't say "men, make sure your wives submit" or anything like that, right? So, let's keep reading. Verse 25, that is something that men should do. "Love your wives." But not just that, we should do so to the same extent that Christ did for us. Talk about a tall order, right? Jesus humbled himself to the point of dying a thieve's death and gave sacrificially. It almost sounds like the husband should submit his desires for the sake of his wife... Furthermore, (verse 28) husbands must love their wife as their own flesh. Wow. So, Paul is saying that the husband must love his wife as if she were him. Sounds like equality to me, if I ever heard it. Last I checked, people consider their own ideas and thoughts and wishes fairly highly. So, as a result, a husband should view his wife's ideas, thoughts, and wishes as equal... if not higher. If that plays out, that means that she has equal say as him, right? And, perhaps in some circumstances (looking at verse 25), he must sacrificially submit to her.
I hope that I didn't run through this too quickly, trying to make it short. Feel free to ask me to clarify. Bottomline? Men should listen to and sacrifice for their wives at times. Women should do the same. But, in all this, they should treat each other as equal to themselves. And, of course, in all things, they must love (active process, not infatuation) each other. In this way, I see their roles towards each other as identical. Now, I don't know how this would turn out in every situation. But, respecting each other and valuing each other's wishes/desires/personhood seems like a good step to me.
tl;dr - Men are more responsible for their individual thoughts (primarily, lust) than anyone else and should focus on what they can do in their fight against lust. Women are precious creations of God who should not feel inferior or responsible for things that they are not responsible for. Additionally, God loves them just as much as men. People can twist the words of the Bible to make it teach what they want. If you look at the "women must submit" chapter in Ephesians, there are aspects of mutual submitting (in healthy ways)... as well as a solid base to assume equality in worth/deed/authority. All this must be grounded in love for others, or else it is meaningless.