The CAA Vending Machine

[SierraLea]

The vending machine disappoints by giving you ice cream. It's orange sherbert with pineapple chunks, though.

Inserts a pen which, if clicked on and off five times in quick succession, will spill ink all over the person aggravating me.

[Abassi]

You receive a better pen, a deadlier pen, a pen from a Bond film. Use it wisely.

*inserts a cloak and dagger*

[SierraLea]

Receives Loki. Really, give me two shield agents and I'm going to go Marvel on you.

Inserts net and trident.

[Abassi]

You get--Hades, Lord of the Underworld! Whom or what were you expecting?

*inserts this whole migraine thing*

[SierraLea]

receives the cause of them, that you promptly bludgeon to death. Ah, isn't revenge-driven destruction fun?

Inserts Mr. Roger's Neighborhood.

[Abassi]

You receive a hard copy of that bit where Mr. Rogers talks to that lovely lady what played the Wicked Witch of the West.

*inserts moving boxes*

[TheAlbinoMoose]

receives a Jury Duty notice! Fun!

*inserts one of those little bouncey balls they have at Walmart that nobody buys but all of us played with as kids when we went to Walmart, then put right back afterwards*

[Abassi]

You receive several disgruntled retail workers. Don't make eye contact, don't show fear! By heaven, don't show FEAR!!!

*inserts a resume*

[SierraLea]

Receives a business card. To bad it's not from anywhere legitimate.

Inserts termite damage.

[Abassi]

But are they hiring? That's really the only question.

You receive a pink panther. Odd, but maybe it can sort the termites out somehow...

*inserts a mound of desert grasses*

[SierraLea]

Receives a native american basket. It's got the loveliest zigzag pattern, too!

Inserts an armchair only two feet tall.

[Abassi]

You receive a brownie! Not to be confused with a hob, though it may be rhymed with a knob.

*inserts a feline whisker*

[SierraLea]

Receives a cougar. Don't. Run.

Inserts a bump in the night.

[Abassi]

You receive a wocket for your pocket.

*inserts debian linux*

[SierraLea]

Receives the first Mac. Hopefully it's simpler.
Inserts half-baked cake. It's still oozing.

[Abassi]

With a "ding!" you receive a fully baked idea!

*inserts The End Times Times, a newspaper always headlined 'The End is Nigh!' Get your yearly subscription today!*

[SierraLea]

Receives "Logic for Dummies". Because if you even owned that paper in the first place, you need to take a course in reasoning.
Inserts three years of pining.

[Abassi]

You receive a basset hound! Nothing accompanies pining better than a baleful hound!

*inserts the will to progress*

[SierraLea]

Receives the lackluster longing after the progress has been made. What's the next step?

Inserts an angry hippo goddess.

[Abassi]

You receive a handsome alligator with a feathered cap!

*inserts the odd hours of the morning*

[SierraLea]

Receives Insomnia. Because that is the only way you had those to insert in the first place.
Insert Tirimasu.

[Abassi]

Aw man, now I have twice as much!

You receive boots of levitation! Now there's a *real* pick me up!

*inserts a metal filling*

[SierraLea]

Receives metal filings. Sorry, the filling got busted up by the internal cogs of the vending machine.
Inserts dark wash, deconstructed skinny jeans.

[Abassi]

You receive a pair of genuine Renaissance trousers and a feathered hat! Truly THIS is fashion forward.

*inserts actual coinage*

[SierraLea]

Receives a pack of skittles. Hey, if you're going to be boring...
Inserts lemon tart.

[Abassi]

You receive the Queen of Hearts--OOOFF WITH YOUR HEAD!

*inserts the pack of skittles*

[SierraLea]

Receives a blinding flash in seven colors. Rainbow's gotta start somewhere.
Insert gestational diabetes.

[Abassi]

You receive a rubber chicken. It's the best a vending machine can do given the circumstances.

*inserts a very small goat*

[SierraLea]

Receives a G.O.A.T. badge. I hear that's a thing nowadays.
Inserts wall covered in bugs.

[Abassi]

I thought being called a goat was an insult!
You receive a highly skilled insect assassin, codename: C.A.T.

*inserts a steering wheel*