I'm writing a story, and I'm nervous.

Unleash your creative writing skills here.

Postby Kesshin » Sat Jul 24, 2004 6:51 pm

And here it is.
This story is copyrighted by Kesshin, 2004.

Pen looked up off into the distance, through the haze of light hovering above the ground. Sure enough, trucks were appearing several yards off; if you could call them trucks. They more closely resembled floating dumpsters, with no wheels and only the smallest of compartments at the front to suggest any relation to cars.
Joyce shuffled closer to Pen, "Those compartments at the front hold the manual override controls."
"So...?"
Joyce's face lightened slightly. "Can you drive a stick shift?"
"Errm-"
Kern stood and faced the vehicles, turning his head around to smile confidently at his companions. "I can. Tia Sharon taught me when I turned sixteen. She told me that digital isn't the only technology you should know how to use. Guess she was right."
More sweat dripped down Pen's face, stinging her eyes. This time it had nothing to do with the heat.
"Pen?" Joyce asked, frowning with concern, "Can you?"
"No. Dad tried to teach me, but-" The world spun, threatening to topple Pen over. Funny how the sadness will hit you when you least expect it. But when you combine it with fear and exhaustion... I can't black out. Not here.
Hastily she turned her thoughts away from the dangerous subject, and focused instead on the sand at her feet. "Well, the long and short of it is, I have my driver's license, but they're for more digitized cars, not for ones like... like that."
If Joyce sensed something beyond car trouble was bothering Pen, she gave no sign.
"That is all right; it is simple. I can explain, but we need to hurry."
Hastily she went through a description of the different ways to manuever the car. "It is not as hard as you think; for the most part you will not have to worry about shifting gears. But towards the end, you will have to back the car up onto the unloading station. Understand?"
Pen wasn't so sure she did, but she nodded anyway.
"Consider the lilies of the field. They neither sew nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these. If God so clothes the grass, which is in the field one day and cast into the oven the next, how much more will he clothe you, o ye of little faith?
-Luke 12:27-28
Image

-CAA's official writing shinobi.

"Mostly I write action/adventure, and while I dislike romance, I seem to end up doing it and I've been told I do so well. To that I give a cliche "Feh.""
-uc pseudonym
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Postby Kesshin » Thu Jul 29, 2004 5:41 pm

Gomen nasai. I have been neglecting my poor, poor writing thread. T_T I have no excuse. You may slap me if you wish.
This story is copyrighted by Kesshin, 2004.

Pen's hands were shaking. This was hardly surprising, considering her situation. Still, having shaking hands while driving through a mine field isn't a good thing, even if it's understandable. And they're sweating too... Pen was sorely tempted to wipe them on the seat, or even her shirt, but letting go of the wheel probably wouldn't be the smartest thing to do.
The trucks crawled through the desolate field at a snail's pace, no faster than two miles per hour. The tension Pen was feeling at the moment expressed itself in the sweat that gathered at her brow. Just a little further. Just a little further, she chanted under her breath. Then, after what had seemed like an eternity, the dumpster-like trucks reached the dumping station at the back of the factory. Smiling to herself and letting out a well-deserved sigh, Pen opened the door with a clank and hopped onto the dirt below. Ralda and Kern were already outside their respective vehicles, waiting for her.
"Excellent job, Pen," Joyce commented with a grin, "I knew you could do it."
Kern crossed his arms in mock annoyance. "Oh sure, compliment her."
Pen reached out and patted his dark mop of hair. "Aw, there there. You did well too, Kern. Now, is that better?"
The two girls chuckled as Kern brushed the hand away, this time genuinely annoyed. Eventually, though, his scowl disappeared and he was soon laughing with them. I feel great, Pen reflected, We all do. Guess it's our way of releasing all of that tension.
"Okay," she said when their moment of mirth had passed, "Now what?"
Joyce, now all business, nodded and answered. "This is the only way into the factory building; you do not need DNA clearance, and there are no security cameras."
"Fine. So, what is it?"
Joyce turned her head towards the hole in the wall that was the dumping station.
"Oh no," Kern sighed, pressing his hand against his forehead, "Don't tell me..."
"Yes. We must go through the opening where the trucks dump the uranium ore."
The three of them said nothing. What was there to say? They had come this far, and if they had to walk through a tunnel covered in radioactive dust, so be it.
The companions walked towards the portal opening, and looked cautiously into its depths. The portal was tilted upwards, so they would have to drop down into it to continue. One by one, they leapt feet-first into the musty darkness.
"Huh," Pen commented, "Feels like there's rubber underneath our feet."
"Yes," Joyce nodded, "That would be the conveyer belt."
Kern mused outloud, "You know, the lack of security is kind of odd. I wonder why there aren't any cameras or DNA scanners here."
Suddenly they heard a creaking noise above them, and turned around. A truck hovered above the portal and tilted to the side, its contents balancing precariously on the tip of their container.
Pen opened her mouth slightly. "Because no one else is stupid enough to try this."
They ran, bracing themselves for the several thousand pounds of partially processed uranium ore that would shortly hit them in the back.

Don't you just love cliffhangers? :grin:
"Consider the lilies of the field. They neither sew nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these. If God so clothes the grass, which is in the field one day and cast into the oven the next, how much more will he clothe you, o ye of little faith?
-Luke 12:27-28
Image

-CAA's official writing shinobi.

"Mostly I write action/adventure, and while I dislike romance, I seem to end up doing it and I've been told I do so well. To that I give a cliche "Feh.""
-uc pseudonym
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Postby true_noir_chloe » Fri Jul 30, 2004 3:25 pm

Actually, I do love cliffhangers. XDXD

Great job on this part, Kesshin. *thumbs way up* ^____^

[size=84][color=seagreen]YOU SEE


You see into the deepest part of me ---

beyond the fog I hide behind.

You cast your light upon the shadows

that stretch like cobwebs in my mind.

You ease the pain when I am hurting,

and morbid visions from my past

pierce into the realm of Reason

as though I danced on blades of glass.

You grant me strength when I have fallen

and, once again, I've lost my way.

You take my hand in Yours and lead me

into the promise of a brand new day.

You bring order to all my chaos,

yet set my well-laid plans awry.

You place me on a firm foundation ---

then give me wings so I can fly.

You sand away my roughened edges

and polish all the dullest parts

until I stand before Your presence...

a newly-sculpted work of art.

You see into the heart within me,

right through my motives and selfish will.

And yet, in spite of all You see

You say You love me even still.


~by D.M.~

[/color][/size]
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Postby Icarus » Fri Jul 30, 2004 10:39 pm

*tries to grumble no, but it fails.* And how could I mention you neglecting your thread? Kettles would rise in accusation the world over.
The Forsworn War of 34

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Postby Kesshin » Sat Jul 31, 2004 5:41 pm

Arigato, Chloe. ^^ I'm glad my new section got approval Siskel and Ebert style. ;)

And don't be so hard on yourself, Icarus. We all have times when we're too busy to do the things we'd like. I, for instance, would like to go to Jump Festa in Japan this Christmas. But seeing as spending Christmas with my family is top priority, that just isn't going to happen. Plus there's the little matter of money... :sweat:
Bible study and work are very important, so update your thread whenever! :thumb: When you do, I'll be there. And Chloe too, right, Chloe? ^^

Speaking of updates, I'll have my next one soon. Don't want to leave you hanging.
"Consider the lilies of the field. They neither sew nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these. If God so clothes the grass, which is in the field one day and cast into the oven the next, how much more will he clothe you, o ye of little faith?
-Luke 12:27-28
Image

-CAA's official writing shinobi.

"Mostly I write action/adventure, and while I dislike romance, I seem to end up doing it and I've been told I do so well. To that I give a cliche "Feh.""
-uc pseudonym
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Posts: 376
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Postby Kesshin » Fri Aug 06, 2004 4:45 pm

Sorry, it's taking longer than I thought. I'm working on the next chapter, and I'll have it posted as soon as possible.
"Consider the lilies of the field. They neither sew nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these. If God so clothes the grass, which is in the field one day and cast into the oven the next, how much more will he clothe you, o ye of little faith?
-Luke 12:27-28
Image

-CAA's official writing shinobi.

"Mostly I write action/adventure, and while I dislike romance, I seem to end up doing it and I've been told I do so well. To that I give a cliche "Feh.""
-uc pseudonym
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Postby Kesshin » Mon Aug 09, 2004 4:28 pm

Here we go! New installment time. ^^
This story is copyrighted by Kesshin, 2004.

Pen felt the wave of rocks pound against her feet, throwing her violently to the ground. She gasped as the minerals, in a demented parody of liquid, enveloped her legs, back, arms, and eventually head. They knocked the wind from Pen’s lungs and crushed her mouth against the dusty conveyor belt, making her taste blood.
The terrible avalanche lasted for several moments, and then all was quiet. Then the ground began to move, and Pen realized it was the conveyor belt pulling the rocks towards their destination; wherever that was.
But Pen had a more immediate problem to worry about. Namely, the fact that she would not, could not breathe. The cold realization of this fact hit her even more forcibly than the rocks had, and she began to claw at her dark prison in a desperate search for air. The pebbles refused to be moved. They inched several centimeters upward then fell back into position, seeming almost to tease Pen; mock her; telling her that she was going to die.
No, you don’t!! she screamed internally. This is NOT how it’s going to end!
Her lungs burned, begging for oxygen. Pen was seized by the wild, uncontrolable urge to breathe in the musty pocket of air that surrounded her face. But the air was tainted, full of particles of radiation. To breathe it in would be suicide. She was probably dying right now; every second she was in contact with the uranium was probably shaving years off her life.
Throwing those thoughts aside, Pen focused the last of the strength she possessed on pushing herself upwards. Suddenly her head broke the surface of the pebbles, and she greedily gulped down air. For several moments, all Pen was capable of doing was catching her breath. Then her thoughts turned to her teammates; Kern and Joyce were nowhere to be seen.

Another cliffhanger. Sorry about that, Icarus. :sweat: I will post more soon.
"Consider the lilies of the field. They neither sew nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these. If God so clothes the grass, which is in the field one day and cast into the oven the next, how much more will he clothe you, o ye of little faith?
-Luke 12:27-28
Image

-CAA's official writing shinobi.

"Mostly I write action/adventure, and while I dislike romance, I seem to end up doing it and I've been told I do so well. To that I give a cliche "Feh.""
-uc pseudonym
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Postby Icarus » Tue Aug 10, 2004 7:09 am

:cool:
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Postby true_noir_chloe » Tue Aug 10, 2004 7:05 pm

I like cliffhangers. ^___^ Neat - nothing like a mouth full of rocks. *hehe* Very nice action scene.

[size=84][color=seagreen]YOU SEE


You see into the deepest part of me ---

beyond the fog I hide behind.

You cast your light upon the shadows

that stretch like cobwebs in my mind.

You ease the pain when I am hurting,

and morbid visions from my past

pierce into the realm of Reason

as though I danced on blades of glass.

You grant me strength when I have fallen

and, once again, I've lost my way.

You take my hand in Yours and lead me

into the promise of a brand new day.

You bring order to all my chaos,

yet set my well-laid plans awry.

You place me on a firm foundation ---

then give me wings so I can fly.

You sand away my roughened edges

and polish all the dullest parts

until I stand before Your presence...

a newly-sculpted work of art.

You see into the heart within me,

right through my motives and selfish will.

And yet, in spite of all You see

You say You love me even still.


~by D.M.~

[/color][/size]
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Postby Kesshin » Fri Aug 13, 2004 2:52 pm

Thanks, you two. ^^ I'm working on my action scenes, but they're still nowhere near as good as I want them to be. I'll try to have the next section up by tomorrow.
"Consider the lilies of the field. They neither sew nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these. If God so clothes the grass, which is in the field one day and cast into the oven the next, how much more will he clothe you, o ye of little faith?
-Luke 12:27-28
Image

-CAA's official writing shinobi.

"Mostly I write action/adventure, and while I dislike romance, I seem to end up doing it and I've been told I do so well. To that I give a cliche "Feh.""
-uc pseudonym
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Postby Kesshin » Wed Aug 18, 2004 6:20 pm

It took a while, but here we go!
This story is copyrighted by Kesshin, 2004.

Pen shook her shoulders from side to side, and slowly freed her torso from the rocks. Then, with her newly liberated hands, she pulled herself from the last of the pebbles and collapsed with a thud on top of the pile. Her mind, however, was elsewhere. 'D*** it, where are they?! If I was about to suffocate....
She scrambled up the pile of rocks, scanning the ground beneath her feet for any sign of her comrades. Just when she was about to escalate to the next level of panic, Pen spotted a tuft of hair several yards away; raven hair...
With a grunt she thrust her hands into the spot above the hairs, and yanked Kern’s dusty body from the rubble. His eyes were closed, and closer inspection showed that he wasn’t breathing. Pen ran a free hand through her hair, trying in vain to calm herself. There had to be something, something she could do. Standing there certainly wasn’t helping.
Finally she looped her arms around his chest, and pulled sharply upwards. Kern’s eyes shot open, just in time to see three pebbles shoot from his mouth, and fall with a clatter back onto the pile from which they came.
Pen patted his back as he gasped madly, trying to get oxygen back into his slightly blue limbs. Smiling weakly he turned around to look up at her. “Where’d you learn that? RN training?â€
"Consider the lilies of the field. They neither sew nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these. If God so clothes the grass, which is in the field one day and cast into the oven the next, how much more will he clothe you, o ye of little faith?
-Luke 12:27-28
Image

-CAA's official writing shinobi.

"Mostly I write action/adventure, and while I dislike romance, I seem to end up doing it and I've been told I do so well. To that I give a cliche "Feh.""
-uc pseudonym
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Postby Icarus » Thu Aug 19, 2004 2:27 pm

*announcer voice* Will Ralda make it? Will Kern ever find out that she is Joyce and an alien? Tune in next time to hear:

"I don't think this is Veggie Tales, Bob."

Kidding aside, nice section.
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Postby Kesshin » Sat Aug 21, 2004 1:50 pm

*laughs*
Slightly off-topic, watching Veggie Tales happens to be one of my guilty pleasures. But don't tell anyone, 'kay? ;)
This story is copyrighted by Kesshin, 2004.

The two companions scrambled among the rocks, tearing at the pebbles with searching fingers. The frown on Kern's face grew with every passing second. Pen was right; there was no time to waste. Every moment was a moment in which she could die, every second could be her last. He had almost lost her once, and had no desire to repeat the experience.
"Kern!" A voice shattered his thoughts. He turned around to see Pen pull Ralda's battered body from the pile. The frown eased as he hurried towards them, eyes focused on her still face.
"Is she all right?" he asked, his tone sharp with worry.
"Only one way to find out."
Pen hugged Ralda's waist and pressed both fists into her stomach, hoping with all of her might that Aldorian anatomy was basically the same as humans'.
Sure enough, Ralda's eyes fluttered open. With a cough she spat several pebbles into her hand, face flushed from near-suffocation.
"What... what happened?" she asked, eyes wide.
Pen released her, sighing with relief.
"Nothing to worry about. You're okay now though, right?"
"I believe so."
"Good." Kern added, placing a hand on her shoulder, "For a minute we were worri-"
The conveyor belt halted. The three operatives, having gotten used to the constant moving, were unprepared for the sudden stop. Then fell forward, off the pile and onto the rather uncomfortable surface that awaited them.
"Oof!" Pen crashed face-first into what seemed to be more rocks, and was promptly followed by Kern and Joyce. They tumbled in a mangled heap downhill, coming to a stop at a concrete floor.
"Hey, watch it will you! That's my foot!"
"Sorry, Pen."
"Well, someone's sitting on my head."
"That would be me."
"Where are we?" Pen asked, looking up from their bickering to survey their surroundings.
The ceiling above was covered in lamps that glared down on them with a harsh white light. Towers of uranium, similar to the one they had fallen down, littered the floor, seeming to go on for miles.
"The Henson Powerplant." Joyce answered.
"Consider the lilies of the field. They neither sew nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these. If God so clothes the grass, which is in the field one day and cast into the oven the next, how much more will he clothe you, o ye of little faith?
-Luke 12:27-28
Image

-CAA's official writing shinobi.

"Mostly I write action/adventure, and while I dislike romance, I seem to end up doing it and I've been told I do so well. To that I give a cliche "Feh.""
-uc pseudonym
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Postby true_noir_chloe » Sat Aug 21, 2004 9:32 pm

Pretty good stuff. I think it would be good if you somehow told us who was speaking during the last bit of dialogue where they fell off the conveyor belt, I know at one point it wasn't Pen talking, but then I wasn't sure if it was Kern or Joyce/Ralda.

Other than that nit-picky comment by me, it was good dialogue. ^___^ You're moving right along on this story.

[size=84][color=seagreen]YOU SEE


You see into the deepest part of me ---

beyond the fog I hide behind.

You cast your light upon the shadows

that stretch like cobwebs in my mind.

You ease the pain when I am hurting,

and morbid visions from my past

pierce into the realm of Reason

as though I danced on blades of glass.

You grant me strength when I have fallen

and, once again, I've lost my way.

You take my hand in Yours and lead me

into the promise of a brand new day.

You bring order to all my chaos,

yet set my well-laid plans awry.

You place me on a firm foundation ---

then give me wings so I can fly.

You sand away my roughened edges

and polish all the dullest parts

until I stand before Your presence...

a newly-sculpted work of art.

You see into the heart within me,

right through my motives and selfish will.

And yet, in spite of all You see

You say You love me even still.


~by D.M.~

[/color][/size]
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Postby Kesshin » Sun Aug 22, 2004 3:30 pm

^^ Glad you like it, Chloe. I'm trying to get things to move a little faster. This story has been going on for about a year now, hasn't it. O_o Dang, that's a weird thought.

Anyway, I have an announcement. Kind of some bad news... This year I'm going to a school with really high standards (Chloe should know what I'm talking about, seeing as she's one of the two people on here who actually knows my age...).
I'm also taking several AP courses, which means piles and piles of homework. Joy.
This means that I'm going to be unable to post during the week. The only days I'm allowed on are Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
I'm very sorry, guys, and I promise to update at least once every weekend, twice if I can manage it. I hope you'll understand.
"Consider the lilies of the field. They neither sew nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these. If God so clothes the grass, which is in the field one day and cast into the oven the next, how much more will he clothe you, o ye of little faith?
-Luke 12:27-28
Image

-CAA's official writing shinobi.

"Mostly I write action/adventure, and while I dislike romance, I seem to end up doing it and I've been told I do so well. To that I give a cliche "Feh.""
-uc pseudonym
User avatar
Kesshin
 
Posts: 376
Joined: Sun Dec 14, 2003 5:33 pm
Location: Sometimes I wonder...

Postby Kesshin » Sat Aug 28, 2004 11:00 am

Finally! The weekend! ^^
This story is copyrighted by Kesshin, 2004.

Pen stood, brushing uranium dust from her face. She frowned, eyes gliding over the vast room.
"Okay, Ralda," she said, looking over her shoulder to her friend, "Where do we go from here?"
Kern offered the green-eyed girl a hand up. She accepted, then answered Pen's question with a faint, almost inaudible murmur. "I do not know..."
"What?!" Pen whipped around, "How could you not know?"
"I did not usually go into this part of the powerplant."
Kern raised an eyebrow. "What kind of a factory worker were you, anyway?"
Ralda lowered her head, blushing. "I worked with paperwork, mostly..."
The only sound in the room was the humming of the lights above, as Pen ran over their options in her head. Her train of thought, however, went for the most part like 'This is insane, how are we supposed- I bet Kern figures this out soon. Why couldn't Joyce have at least pretended to know what she was doing? Of course, that would probably get us killed... Then again, guessing is about the only thing we can do-'
"Pen?"
Joyce looked at the ground. "I am sorry."
For a moment Pen stood there, speechless, watching the extremely guilty looking girl before her. Then she let out a small laugh, and smiled slightly. "That's okay."
Joyce tilted her head up. "It is?"
"Yep. We'll find our way around, no problem. I'm sure once we get further inside you'll remember more."
She set a hand on Joyce's shoulder. "Just do your best. That's all you can do."
Joyce returned her smile with one of her own. "All right."

Pen started walking towards the nearest door in the wall. She opened it, then turned to her companions, motioning them to follow. They soon joined her, walking through the door together. "You know," Kern commented, grinning, "you're starting to act like Laowra, Pen."
"Be quiet and hurry up," she answered irritably.
"Spoken too soon."
"Consider the lilies of the field. They neither sew nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these. If God so clothes the grass, which is in the field one day and cast into the oven the next, how much more will he clothe you, o ye of little faith?
-Luke 12:27-28
Image

-CAA's official writing shinobi.

"Mostly I write action/adventure, and while I dislike romance, I seem to end up doing it and I've been told I do so well. To that I give a cliche "Feh.""
-uc pseudonym
User avatar
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Posts: 376
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Postby Lochaber Axe » Sun Aug 29, 2004 3:50 pm

*Cough* I must ask for forgiveness for I have been unable to read your latest updates for some time. My time has been shortened by several academic and other circumstances. Gomen Nasai...

I will read your updates whenever I have the time.
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Postby true_noir_chloe » Sun Aug 29, 2004 9:46 pm

Hey, this is pretty good. ~_^


unspeaking = speechless; it's a better word

[size=84][color=seagreen]YOU SEE


You see into the deepest part of me ---

beyond the fog I hide behind.

You cast your light upon the shadows

that stretch like cobwebs in my mind.

You ease the pain when I am hurting,

and morbid visions from my past

pierce into the realm of Reason

as though I danced on blades of glass.

You grant me strength when I have fallen

and, once again, I've lost my way.

You take my hand in Yours and lead me

into the promise of a brand new day.

You bring order to all my chaos,

yet set my well-laid plans awry.

You place me on a firm foundation ---

then give me wings so I can fly.

You sand away my roughened edges

and polish all the dullest parts

until I stand before Your presence...

a newly-sculpted work of art.

You see into the heart within me,

right through my motives and selfish will.

And yet, in spite of all You see

You say You love me even still.


~by D.M.~

[/color][/size]
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Postby Kesshin » Sun Sep 05, 2004 12:45 pm

Aw, it's no big deal, Loch. ^^ Everyone's been pretty busy lately. Take your time.

Thanks for the tip, Chloe. :thumb: I'm gonna do some editing on previous installments today, and post another installment tomorrow; so that will come in handy.
"Consider the lilies of the field. They neither sew nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these. If God so clothes the grass, which is in the field one day and cast into the oven the next, how much more will he clothe you, o ye of little faith?
-Luke 12:27-28
Image

-CAA's official writing shinobi.

"Mostly I write action/adventure, and while I dislike romance, I seem to end up doing it and I've been told I do so well. To that I give a cliche "Feh.""
-uc pseudonym
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Posts: 376
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Location: Sometimes I wonder...

Postby Kesshin » Mon Sep 06, 2004 12:42 pm

OOC: New installment time. Oh, and your new avatar is beautiful, Chloe. ^^ Blue is very cool.
Urgh, I'm having major writer's block. I know vaguely what's supposed to happen, but I'm afraid of messing it up. Still, if you never try, you never know.

The three companions wandered through the halls of the powerplant, lost in its sterile white-washed sameness. At first the quiet and cleanleness was a relief after the filth of the uranium piles. But after a while it began to grate on their nerves; things should never be that clean, or that quiet. To add to their suspicion, they had not seen a single person. Ralda assured them that this was perfectly normal for the powerplant, but they could not shake off their uneasiness.
Pen's breath quickened as they passed the same door for the third time. This was not normal; it was anything but normal. Everything looked exactly the same: white, spotless, calm. It was ironic that such a calm atmosphere could make her feel so nervous. She shivered.
Kern, too, was showing signs of grating nerves. The hand clasped around his stun gun was tensed. Sweat trickled from his raven hair down his face, and he absent-mindedly raised a hand to brush it away.
Joyce was the only one who seemed unfazed. Her green eyes stared ahead, flickering intensely back and forth. She must be trying to get her bearings, Pen decided.
"Consider the lilies of the field. They neither sew nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these. If God so clothes the grass, which is in the field one day and cast into the oven the next, how much more will he clothe you, o ye of little faith?
-Luke 12:27-28
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-CAA's official writing shinobi.

"Mostly I write action/adventure, and while I dislike romance, I seem to end up doing it and I've been told I do so well. To that I give a cliche "Feh.""
-uc pseudonym
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Postby true_noir_chloe » Mon Sep 06, 2004 4:19 pm

Hey Kesshin, good section. *thumbs up* I've realized you've grown in your scene structure and descriptive writing. Good job!

[size=84][color=seagreen]YOU SEE


You see into the deepest part of me ---

beyond the fog I hide behind.

You cast your light upon the shadows

that stretch like cobwebs in my mind.

You ease the pain when I am hurting,

and morbid visions from my past

pierce into the realm of Reason

as though I danced on blades of glass.

You grant me strength when I have fallen

and, once again, I've lost my way.

You take my hand in Yours and lead me

into the promise of a brand new day.

You bring order to all my chaos,

yet set my well-laid plans awry.

You place me on a firm foundation ---

then give me wings so I can fly.

You sand away my roughened edges

and polish all the dullest parts

until I stand before Your presence...

a newly-sculpted work of art.

You see into the heart within me,

right through my motives and selfish will.

And yet, in spite of all You see

You say You love me even still.


~by D.M.~

[/color][/size]
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Postby Lochaber Axe » Wed Sep 08, 2004 2:14 pm

I don't mean to be nit-picky myself, but more than likely they would not be just be acting strangely because of grating nerves, but in reality they should be vomiting and barely able to stand. This is radiation poisoning I'm talking about.

If you ever want to know how bad radiation sickness is, watch... err... bah, whatever that movie was where Harrison Ford plays a Soviet sub Captain. They shows you in detail how radiation poisoning looks like.

Might want to put in there from now on how it affects them. Even with protective clothing, they still breathed in and actually had uranium ore in their mouths.

Though honestly I don't really know much about how pure radioactive substances differ from a nuclear blast or radiation from a reactor. I would say they should at least be sick from it.

EDIT: Oh and talking about nuclear blast, reading Hiroshima would also be a good bet. It has some realistic (and graphic) images of what happened in that city.
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Postby Kesshin » Sun Sep 12, 2004 11:23 am

>>>I've realized you've grown in your scene structure and descriptive writing.<<<
:red: You really think so? I was hoping I've been improving since this story began. I can't begin to tell you how happy it makes me for you to tell me that. ^__^

Loch: Radiation poisoning.... I hadn't thought of that! That's a great idea. *winces* My poor characters. Really, the things they're put through. :sweat:
And now, off to research! Since that could take a while, the next update will be delayed until next weekend. Gomen, but hopefully the story will be all the better for it.
Thank you so much for the idea, Loch. ^^
"Consider the lilies of the field. They neither sew nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these. If God so clothes the grass, which is in the field one day and cast into the oven the next, how much more will he clothe you, o ye of little faith?
-Luke 12:27-28
Image

-CAA's official writing shinobi.

"Mostly I write action/adventure, and while I dislike romance, I seem to end up doing it and I've been told I do so well. To that I give a cliche "Feh.""
-uc pseudonym
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Postby Kesshin » Sun Sep 26, 2004 8:41 am

I'm so sorry it's been two weeks since I've updated.
My grandpa had a stroke last weekend, and we had to take him to the hospital. He's lost most of the movement in his right side, and can barely speak. It's really been a hard week for my family, especially since we're very close to Grandpa. I apologize for my lateness, but I hope you guys understand. And if you could find some time in your prayers to pray for my grandpa and my family, it would be greatly appreciated.

I have some time now to update (and I talked to my chemistry teacher about radiation poisoning. Thanks again, Loch ^^ ), so I'll post another bit...

The three operatives began to notice a gradual change. Slowly the halls became warmer, and they could hear the occasional whisper of conversation from behind closed doors.
"Ralda," Pen said softly. He throat was sore for some reason, raspy like it hadn't been since the desert, "Do you know where we are now?"
The blonde girl nodded, keeping her eyes ahead. "Yes. This area is where the inner mechanics of the factory are stored."
Kern raised his eyebrows, "Really? you'd think they'd make a little more noise."
"No, it is the newest technology available. There is no cause for noise."
"Huh," Kern mumbled, "That's.... uh... mmng..." he frowned, looking vaguely confused. "Sorry, I..."
Kern tottered to the side suddenly, eyes widening. He shot out a hand just in time, propping himself up against the wall.
"Hey, are you all right?" Pen asked, frowning.
Kern didn't answer. Sweat trickled down his forehead, stinging his eyes. His breath was becoming ragged, sounding hollow and frail. Suddenly he clutched his stomach and turned away, retching violently.
"Kern!" Ralda grabbed his shoulder, but he brushed her hand away. "I'm... I'll be okay. Just... give me a sec."
Pen and Ralda stood beside him silently, watching his pale face with growing anxiousness.
"You don't look okay to me," Pen said, as he turned away to vomit once more.
"Shut it!" he answered weakly, wiping his mouth. "What the heck is this?"
"Radiation poisoning," came a voice from behind them. The three comrades turned around to face a tall man in a spotless white labcoat. He smiled humorously at them. "It's quite deadly, you know."
"Consider the lilies of the field. They neither sew nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these. If God so clothes the grass, which is in the field one day and cast into the oven the next, how much more will he clothe you, o ye of little faith?
-Luke 12:27-28
Image

-CAA's official writing shinobi.

"Mostly I write action/adventure, and while I dislike romance, I seem to end up doing it and I've been told I do so well. To that I give a cliche "Feh.""
-uc pseudonym
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Postby true_noir_chloe » Sun Sep 26, 2004 7:32 pm

Kesshin! :hug: I will definitely pray for your grandfather.:( I'm so sorry to hear this. This story can wait for a family emergency like this, so don't worry.

Anyways, this part is great. You have done well. ^______^ Take a break and be with your family, okay?

[size=84][color=seagreen]YOU SEE


You see into the deepest part of me ---

beyond the fog I hide behind.

You cast your light upon the shadows

that stretch like cobwebs in my mind.

You ease the pain when I am hurting,

and morbid visions from my past

pierce into the realm of Reason

as though I danced on blades of glass.

You grant me strength when I have fallen

and, once again, I've lost my way.

You take my hand in Yours and lead me

into the promise of a brand new day.

You bring order to all my chaos,

yet set my well-laid plans awry.

You place me on a firm foundation ---

then give me wings so I can fly.

You sand away my roughened edges

and polish all the dullest parts

until I stand before Your presence...

a newly-sculpted work of art.

You see into the heart within me,

right through my motives and selfish will.

And yet, in spite of all You see

You say You love me even still.


~by D.M.~

[/color][/size]
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Postby Icarus » Sun Sep 26, 2004 8:48 pm

*inept dancing dies as he learns of your grandfather.*

I'll pray for you (plural).
The Forsworn War of 34

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Postby Kesshin » Sat Oct 02, 2004 7:54 am

Thanks, guys. *hug* I'll wait until next week to update, if that'd be okay. I could update now, but it probably wouldn't be much good. *heh* I'm currently writing three stories (this, my rpg, and a fanfic) so taking a small break from one is a nice rest.

We're all just waiting for things to cool down. Mom's been upset the last few weeks, but she's trying to hide it, because she knows that when she's upset we're all upset. Plus it's my birthday this weekend, so she's trying extra hard. My mom's the most unselfish person I know.
I'll tell her you're praying for us. ^^
"Consider the lilies of the field. They neither sew nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these. If God so clothes the grass, which is in the field one day and cast into the oven the next, how much more will he clothe you, o ye of little faith?
-Luke 12:27-28
Image

-CAA's official writing shinobi.

"Mostly I write action/adventure, and while I dislike romance, I seem to end up doing it and I've been told I do so well. To that I give a cliche "Feh.""
-uc pseudonym
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Posts: 376
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Location: Sometimes I wonder...

Postby Lochaber Axe » Sat Oct 02, 2004 5:07 pm

Well, if there was a deadline we would be pushing you, but since there is not... uh... what was I going to say? *Scratches head* Hmm... *Scratches head again* Shoot, I just can't think of anything...

*Sigh* This is what my life is... I am a guy, have unnaturally short memory, and suffer routinely from writer's block. Which in general means that my mind right now feels like it is stuffed with cotton.

EDIT: Ah... yes... happy birthday my young friend. (I am a man now... w00t...) XD
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Postby Kesshin » Fri Oct 08, 2004 3:27 pm

All right, update time! Grandpa's doing better now. He can talk more clearly, and should be out of the hospital in another couple of weeks. Again, thanks for your prayers. ^^
This story is copyrighted by Kesshin, 2004.

Pen scowled at the man who had appeared behind them, her hand wandering slowly towards the gun at her side. He seemed harmless enough; a thirty-something scientist dressed in a plain white labcoat, armed with only a clipboard. 'Still...'
"Ah, no need for such uncivilized behavior," he said, shaking a scolding finger, "I am, after all, a man of science." The man smiled, showing teeth as eerily clean as the walls that surrounded him. Pen's scowl deepened, "What did you mean, radiation poisoning? What's wrong with Kern?"
"Tsk, tsk," he sighed, "Children these days. My goodness, they must not teach you anything in those schools of yours."
Pen looked to Joyce, hoping for some sign that she knew what was going on. Joyce only stared at her, every bit as confused.
"Look," Pen growled, pulling out her gun, "Cut the crud and tell me what's going on with my friend."
The scientist merely glanced at the weapon, cold eyes calm. "Oh dear. Well, in that case, I'd better tell you."
He set his clipboard behind his back casually, and began to describe radiation poisoning in the manner in which most grade school children describe their summer vacations.
"Radiation poisoning, a side effect of prolonged exposure to radiactive material. Symptoms include sweating, harsh breathing, rashes, baldness, nausea, and eventually death if the case is severe," He paused to chuckle, "Yes, and I'd say rolling around in piles of uranium ore would merit a severe case. Perhaps you wondered while you were sneaking into our factory why the security was so light around the ore dump?" He leaned towards them, baring all of those awfully white teeth, "Because the ones who use it as a means of entry tend not to live very long."
"Consider the lilies of the field. They neither sew nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these. If God so clothes the grass, which is in the field one day and cast into the oven the next, how much more will he clothe you, o ye of little faith?
-Luke 12:27-28
Image

-CAA's official writing shinobi.

"Mostly I write action/adventure, and while I dislike romance, I seem to end up doing it and I've been told I do so well. To that I give a cliche "Feh.""
-uc pseudonym
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Posts: 376
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Postby Lochaber Axe » Fri Oct 08, 2004 5:46 pm

Writer Idea... writer idea...! How about a d***ed if you do, d***ed if you don't kind of thing? Since we don't want our characters to die off... why don't we have it that the scientist can give them a treatment to save their lives, but for a price.

Oh and sorry about the below (or above depending) childishness. Heh, my mind went south on me there.
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