Avenor

[Muopii]

The story you are about to read is a short book that I wrote in about two months.
It may need some editing, (like names and stuff) but I do hope that you enjoy it.
It is a fantasy, set in a mediveal world. The main character's father...Well, I'll just let you read it to find out for yourself...
It might be a bit predictable but oh well. It's the best I can do as a 13 year old.

[Muopii]

The chapters are short and sweet. Here's #1

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Ch 1

The City of Mylon was celebrating. It was the King’s birthday. King Antryl was ruler of all the lands of Avenor. A wise, gentle king, his people loved him very much, as did his son, Barinor. Now on this particular day, the young prince Barinor was away on important business. A wild riot had broken out in the small town of Reganor as they often do in this unsettled world, and the king’s son, along with a few others in the king’s guard, were sent to settle the dispute.

~&&&~

“Pity isn’t it? That you had to be pulled away from a very special occasion just for work matters.â€

[Muopii]

#2

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Ch 2

Booooom! Booooom! The city bells rang out telling those still awake in the quiet city that midnight had come to pass. The king sat alone in his bedchamber, writing on a piece of parchment with his quill pen.




My dear son,
Oh, how I missed you today. I would have loved for you to be here for the celebrations. I know how much you love the food and drink here during a festive occasion, so I saved you some for your return.
How goes it in Reganor? Will you be finished there soon? It seems like these riots are getting more common now, doesn’t it? I greatly hope that you will be returning to me before too much time has gone by, for it gets so lonely around here without you since your mother passed away. I fear that the day that I also move on is not too far away, because I am very old and weary. When that day comes I want you to be strong and to-

Here Antryl paused, for he thought he heard a sound from outside his window. He realized that it was probably just the wind, and continued writing

-take my place as king of this land.
I am sure that you are busy, so I will not continue to bore you with idle conversation.
I hope that you will be safe and well and return home as soon as possible.

Antryl

~&&&~

A dark shape materialized out of the gloom. It looked up towards the high window leading to the king’s bedroom and chuckled to itself. The time had come. Taking a small grappling hook from his waist pouch, Dragor hurled it upwards and nodded with satisfaction as it lodged itself securely to an overhead tree branch. He quickly slithered up the rope with amazing stealth and agility, and squatted on the narrow limb, preparing for his jump to the nearby window ledge.

“There can be no mistakes this time,â€

[Muopii]

Here's #3. Comments, or criticism is welcome.

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Ch 3

Dragor sat alone in his new dining room, munching on a roasted pigeon, and thoroughly enjoying his power.

“Grival! I thirst. Bring me more wine!â€

[Muopii]

Ch 4

Dragor stood high upon the battlements, gazing out across the palace grounds where his vast army stood to attention. Along with the many soldiers he had brainwashed, there were also hundreds of goblins and trolls, brought from the black lands far away to serve under his command.

His booming voice rolled out over their heads. “Hear me, O loyal servants! Today we march!â€

[Esoteric]

Is this your first book? It's not bad, really. I was particularily impressed by the spelling and grammar (I didn't see one missing or mispelled word). I could definitely 'feel' your effort. You'll be an excellent writer someday, so instead of offering criticism about the story, I'll offer some advice in general.

1. Keep thinking, keep writing. Yeah, duh.
2. Study character development. Really work on distinct personalities/speech patterns. (Wuggle is a good step in that direction)
3. Study the writing style in books you like. They should help you find ways around dispensing information without exposition...the whole, 'show don't tell' thing. (Ultimately, this is something learned with time and practice, but finding examples helps.)
4. Find people (friends, family, teachers, writer's groups) who can provide regular feedback. Other people tend to see problems in our writing that we miss. The people on this writing forum I've noticed are generally helpful too(personally, I'm always available to put in my two cents worth), but it can be more difficult to critic on a computer screen than a piece of paper sometimes.

Hope this helps, Esoteric.