Jokes! He he...
62 posts •
Page 2 of 3 •
Ashley wrote:So what have we learned?
1. The brits call God "me old mucker"
2. The brits also call God "me old supreme being"
3. God and Noah are either Australian or British, we can't tell for sure.
4. No one here gets british humor very well
Well I liked it.
This is an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio
conversation released by the Chief of naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a
collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY
OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
The scientific method," Thomas Henry Huxley once wrote, "is nothing but the normal working of the human mind." That is to say, when the mind is working; that is to say further, when it is engaged in corrrecting its mistakes. Taking this point of view, we may conclude that science is not physics, biology, or chemistry—is not even a "subject"—but a moral imperative drawn from a larger narrative whose purpose is to give perspective, balance, and humility to learning.
Neil Postman
(The End of Education)
Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge
Isaac Aasimov
Neil Postman
(The End of Education)
Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge
Isaac Aasimov
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Technomancer - Posts: 2379
- Joined: Fri Jun 13, 2003 11:47 am
- Location: Tralfamadore
Heh. Technomancer beat me to that story. I love it.
I thought djnoz's joke was funny. Not really because of the pun, but because of the various assorted phrases used by God and Noah.
I thought djnoz's joke was funny. Not really because of the pun, but because of the various assorted phrases used by God and Noah.
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uc pseudonym - Posts: 15506
- Joined: Tue Jun 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Tanzania
One fine day in old England, three squires were taken on a field trip to the local zoo. Each one went for a ride on a different animal. The first one, being rather small, rode on a peacock. The second one, being medium-sized, rode on a donkey. The third one, being as heavy as the first two put together, rode on a hippopotamus.
[SPOILER="Therefore..."]The squire on the hippopotamus was equal to the sum of the squires on the other two rides.[/SPOILER]
[SPOILER="Therefore..."]The squire on the hippopotamus was equal to the sum of the squires on the other two rides.[/SPOILER]
[color=RoyalBlue]@)}~`,~ [/color]Carry this rose in your signature as thanks to Inkhana, for all she has done for us in the past.Even though she is no longer a moderator, she has done an awful lot for us while she was and she deserves thanks. ^_^
- TheMelodyMaker
- Posts: 1904
- Joined: Sun Jul 20, 2003 10:13 pm
TheMelodyMaker wrote:One fine day in old England, three squires were taken on a field trip to the local zoo. Each one went for a ride on a different animal. The first one, being rather small, rode on a peacock. The second one, being medium-sized, rode on a donkey. The third one, being as heavy as the first two put together, rode on a hippopotamus.
[SPOILER="Therefore..."]The squire on the hippopotamus was equal to the sum of the squires on the other two rides.[/SPOILER]
Oh that's awful
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The scientific method," Thomas Henry Huxley once wrote, "is nothing but the normal working of the human mind." That is to say, when the mind is working; that is to say further, when it is engaged in corrrecting its mistakes. Taking this point of view, we may conclude that science is not physics, biology, or chemistry—is not even a "subject"—but a moral imperative drawn from a larger narrative whose purpose is to give perspective, balance, and humility to learning.
Neil Postman
(The End of Education)
Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge
Isaac Aasimov
Neil Postman
(The End of Education)
Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge
Isaac Aasimov
-
Technomancer - Posts: 2379
- Joined: Fri Jun 13, 2003 11:47 am
- Location: Tralfamadore
Technomancer wrote:Well I liked it.
This is an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio
conversation released by the Chief of naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a
collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY
OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
yeah ive heard that one before only it wasnt about a carrier
MATT
Matt blends in - and hates it.
Matt blends in - and hates it.
Give me a bike and a road by which to travel.
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Shinja - Posts: 1723
- Joined: Wed May 28, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Where the grinkle grass grows.
To help Ashley and any of our other mathematically challenged members: It's a joke based off of the Pythagorean Theorem. The real theorem reads: The square of the hypotenuse is equal to the square of the other two sides.
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uc pseudonym - Posts: 15506
- Joined: Tue Jun 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Tanzania
Hmm literary jokes...
So Charles Dickens walks in to a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks: olive or twist?
So Charles Dickens walks in to a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks: olive or twist?
The scientific method," Thomas Henry Huxley once wrote, "is nothing but the normal working of the human mind." That is to say, when the mind is working; that is to say further, when it is engaged in corrrecting its mistakes. Taking this point of view, we may conclude that science is not physics, biology, or chemistry—is not even a "subject"—but a moral imperative drawn from a larger narrative whose purpose is to give perspective, balance, and humility to learning.
Neil Postman
(The End of Education)
Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge
Isaac Aasimov
Neil Postman
(The End of Education)
Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge
Isaac Aasimov
-
Technomancer - Posts: 2379
- Joined: Fri Jun 13, 2003 11:47 am
- Location: Tralfamadore
I always get my Wordsworth around here.
The scientific method," Thomas Henry Huxley once wrote, "is nothing but the normal working of the human mind." That is to say, when the mind is working; that is to say further, when it is engaged in corrrecting its mistakes. Taking this point of view, we may conclude that science is not physics, biology, or chemistry—is not even a "subject"—but a moral imperative drawn from a larger narrative whose purpose is to give perspective, balance, and humility to learning.
Neil Postman
(The End of Education)
Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge
Isaac Aasimov
Neil Postman
(The End of Education)
Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge
Isaac Aasimov
-
Technomancer - Posts: 2379
- Joined: Fri Jun 13, 2003 11:47 am
- Location: Tralfamadore
Farmer Fred, a regular attendee of his local small-town church, announced to his wife Martha one Sunday morning that he was feeling adventurous and for a change would visit the big, newly-built church in the city he'd heard so much about.
Martha, however, was not feeling quite so adventurous. So she went to the nearby small church as usual while Fred went by himself to scout out the new church.
When Fred arrived home that afternoon, Martha was waiting expectantly for him. "How was it, dear?" she asked.
"It was really different," Fred replied. "We sang some hymns, the pastor preached his sermon, and then we sang some choruses."
Puzzled by this new expression, Martha queried: "What's a 'chorus'?"
Fred attempted to explain. "Well... If I were to say to you, 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' then that would be a hymn. But if I told you, 'Martha, Martha, Martha, the cows, the black cows, the white cows, the brown cows, the cows are in the corn, in the corn, the corn, corn, corn,' that would be a chorus."
Martha, however, was not feeling quite so adventurous. So she went to the nearby small church as usual while Fred went by himself to scout out the new church.
When Fred arrived home that afternoon, Martha was waiting expectantly for him. "How was it, dear?" she asked.
"It was really different," Fred replied. "We sang some hymns, the pastor preached his sermon, and then we sang some choruses."
Puzzled by this new expression, Martha queried: "What's a 'chorus'?"
Fred attempted to explain. "Well... If I were to say to you, 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' then that would be a hymn. But if I told you, 'Martha, Martha, Martha, the cows, the black cows, the white cows, the brown cows, the cows are in the corn, in the corn, the corn, corn, corn,' that would be a chorus."
[color=RoyalBlue]@)}~`,~ [/color]Carry this rose in your signature as thanks to Inkhana, for all she has done for us in the past.Even though she is no longer a moderator, she has done an awful lot for us while she was and she deserves thanks. ^_^
- TheMelodyMaker
- Posts: 1904
- Joined: Sun Jul 20, 2003 10:13 pm
That's a good one, but that's only half the joke. And mixed around, from the version I originally heard. As I heard it, our farmer goes to both an old and new church. His answer you mentioned went with the new one. I'm not going to try and emulate the new one, unless I can find it...
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uc pseudonym - Posts: 15506
- Joined: Tue Jun 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Tanzania
Yes, we had the actual thing written down somewhere but it got lost, so I tried to type it from memory while taking some liberties. (I don't even remember if the fellow's name was Fred; I just made that up.)
[color=RoyalBlue]@)}~`,~ [/color]Carry this rose in your signature as thanks to Inkhana, for all she has done for us in the past.Even though she is no longer a moderator, she has done an awful lot for us while she was and she deserves thanks. ^_^
- TheMelodyMaker
- Posts: 1904
- Joined: Sun Jul 20, 2003 10:13 pm
//puns are for children, not groan-ups//
Who told you such things? Are you sure they are not mistaken?
More puns, literary and otherwise.
The author of the classics "Oliver Twist" and "David Copperfield" while not noted for his athletic prowess, was the exception to his family, and not the rule. They were well renowned for their participation in the Olympic track events. Though slightly obscured by time, the fame of his family lives to this day in the phrase "run like the Dickens."
A gentleman went to his dentist for his semi-annual check-up. During the course of the examination, his dentist noticed some abnormal wear on his dental plate.
At the end of the visit, the dentist remarked, "During the check-up, I saw some corrosion on your dental plate. Have you been eating anything acidic lately?"
"Not that I can think of... Oh, wait, yeah. My wife made this great hollondaise sauce the other day, and I've been eating it on every thing ever since."
"O.K. Other than that, everything checked out alright. I'm just going to recommend that you go to an orthodontist and have you plate switched out with a chrome one."
"Chrome?"
"Sorry, I keep forgetting to elaborate. Everyone in the dental profession knows there's no plate like chrome for the hollondaise.
Who told you such things? Are you sure they are not mistaken?
More puns, literary and otherwise.
The author of the classics "Oliver Twist" and "David Copperfield" while not noted for his athletic prowess, was the exception to his family, and not the rule. They were well renowned for their participation in the Olympic track events. Though slightly obscured by time, the fame of his family lives to this day in the phrase "run like the Dickens."
A gentleman went to his dentist for his semi-annual check-up. During the course of the examination, his dentist noticed some abnormal wear on his dental plate.
At the end of the visit, the dentist remarked, "During the check-up, I saw some corrosion on your dental plate. Have you been eating anything acidic lately?"
"Not that I can think of... Oh, wait, yeah. My wife made this great hollondaise sauce the other day, and I've been eating it on every thing ever since."
"O.K. Other than that, everything checked out alright. I'm just going to recommend that you go to an orthodontist and have you plate switched out with a chrome one."
"Chrome?"
"Sorry, I keep forgetting to elaborate. Everyone in the dental profession knows there's no plate like chrome for the hollondaise.
The Forsworn War of 34
†â€
†â€
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Icarus - Posts: 1477
- Joined: Sun Nov 09, 2003 5:00 am
- Location: 34
what do you call two blonds in a freezer? frosted flakes.
what do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef.
what do you call a cow with two left legs? lean beef.
One day Bob and Stu were working at the factory when Stu gets his leg cut off. Bob puts Stu's leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. The next day at the factory Bob sees Stu working like nothing had happened and says " Wow, the wonders of modern science." That same day, Stu gets his arm cut off. Bob puts Stu's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. The next day at the factory Bob sees Stu working like nothing had happened and says " Wow, the wonders of modern science." That same day, Stu gets his head cut off. Bob puts Stu's head in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. The next day Bob arrives at the factory expecting to see Stu, but Stu isn't there so Bob goes to the hospital and asks a doctor " Where's Stu? " The doctor got a sad expression on his face and says " We could have saved Stu but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
what do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef.
what do you call a cow with two left legs? lean beef.
One day Bob and Stu were working at the factory when Stu gets his leg cut off. Bob puts Stu's leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. The next day at the factory Bob sees Stu working like nothing had happened and says " Wow, the wonders of modern science." That same day, Stu gets his arm cut off. Bob puts Stu's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. The next day at the factory Bob sees Stu working like nothing had happened and says " Wow, the wonders of modern science." That same day, Stu gets his head cut off. Bob puts Stu's head in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. The next day Bob arrives at the factory expecting to see Stu, but Stu isn't there so Bob goes to the hospital and asks a doctor " Where's Stu? " The doctor got a sad expression on his face and says " We could have saved Stu but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
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Rachel - Posts: 1056
- Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2003 10:00 am
- Location: Wichita Falls, Texas
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uc pseudonym - Posts: 15506
- Joined: Tue Jun 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Tanzania
Three blondes were walking to heaven. When they got there, St. Peter was at the gate.
"In order to pass this gate you must answer a question, " he said, and then asked the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
"It's when we sit around a big tree, exchange gifts, and sing carols!" She replied. So then he asked the second blonde the same question.
"It's when relatives get together and sit around a table and eat turkey." Was her answer. St. Peter just shook his head, and turned to the third blonde.
"What is Easter?"
"It's when Jesus died and was put in a tomb..."
"Finally!"
"And then he came out of his tomb, saw his shadow, and we had six more weeks of winter."
~~~
A group of people are discussing various animes, and an outsider is trying to understand what they're saying. Finally he throws up his arms and says,
"Oh, I give up! It's all Japanese to me!"
~~~
Four people were on a plane that was about to crash, the pilot, a priest, the smartest man in the world, and a girl scout. However, there were only three parachutes.
"I'm the pilot, so I should get a parachute!" So the pilot jumps out.
"I'm the smartest man in the world, so I should get one, too!" And the smartest man in the world jumps out. So then the priest turns to the girl scout.
"You go ahead and take the last one. I'll stay here." But the girl scout just smiles.
"No, we can both go. The smartest man in the world took my backpack!"
~~~
"In order to pass this gate you must answer a question, " he said, and then asked the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
"It's when we sit around a big tree, exchange gifts, and sing carols!" She replied. So then he asked the second blonde the same question.
"It's when relatives get together and sit around a table and eat turkey." Was her answer. St. Peter just shook his head, and turned to the third blonde.
"What is Easter?"
"It's when Jesus died and was put in a tomb..."
"Finally!"
"And then he came out of his tomb, saw his shadow, and we had six more weeks of winter."
~~~
A group of people are discussing various animes, and an outsider is trying to understand what they're saying. Finally he throws up his arms and says,
"Oh, I give up! It's all Japanese to me!"
~~~
Four people were on a plane that was about to crash, the pilot, a priest, the smartest man in the world, and a girl scout. However, there were only three parachutes.
"I'm the pilot, so I should get a parachute!" So the pilot jumps out.
"I'm the smartest man in the world, so I should get one, too!" And the smartest man in the world jumps out. So then the priest turns to the girl scout.
"You go ahead and take the last one. I'll stay here." But the girl scout just smiles.
"No, we can both go. The smartest man in the world took my backpack!"
~~~
SOMEWHAT WEIRDER THAN YOUR USUAL ABNORMAL! 
~~~
License plate #1: YBNORML
License plate #2: LIVE-RPG
Bumper stickers:
I BRAKE FOR BISHIES!
DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS MOVIE!
CAUTION: IN CASE OF THE RAPTURE, THIS CAR WILL BE UNMANNED
MY OTHER CAR'S A GUNDAM
Friends don't let friends write Mary Sues.
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Asmi-chan - Posts: 43
- Joined: Thu Nov 06, 2003 4:04 pm
- Location: Good ole' U.S.A. (Wish it was Japan.)
LOL!!! I like the 1st one and the last one!
Pastor: ok now for our favorite part of the day when we make a prank phone call to one of the people that stayed home today!
***
a pastor is preaching, and as he's going along he's geting tangeled up in the mic cord, till' finally a little girl turns to her mother and says, "moma, if he gets loose will he hurt us?"
Pastor: ok now for our favorite part of the day when we make a prank phone call to one of the people that stayed home today!
***
a pastor is preaching, and as he's going along he's geting tangeled up in the mic cord, till' finally a little girl turns to her mother and says, "moma, if he gets loose will he hurt us?"
[color="DimGray"]I don't believe that I would die if I saw you face to face;
but that my spirit would become so alive it took my body's place.
- Danya[/color]
but that my spirit would become so alive it took my body's place.
- Danya[/color]
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Danyasaur - Posts: 875
- Joined: Thu Nov 06, 2003 5:06 pm
- Location: On the road where potholes come to die.
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uc pseudonym - Posts: 15506
- Joined: Tue Jun 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Tanzania
Asmi-chan wrote:Four people were on a plane that was about to crash, the pilot, a priest, the smartest man in the world, and a girl scout. However, there were only three parachutes.
"I'm the pilot, so I should get a parachute!" So the pilot jumps out.
"I'm the smartest man in the world, so I should get one, too!" And the smartest man in the world jumps out. So then the priest turns to the girl scout.
"You go ahead and take the last one. I'll stay here." But the girl scout just smiles.
"No, we can both go. The smartest man in the world took my backpack!"
~~~
I LOVE this one, except the version I originally heard involved Hillary Clinton as 'the smartest woman in the world'.
*no offense to the democrats here*
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Azier the Swordsman - Posts: 3109
- Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2003 10:00 am
- Location: Earth
Women tell what the want in a man:
What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking-prefer hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly - bald head okay
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at Denny's on occasion
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it is a weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!!
Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh....thingie.
Oh, no. I just lost my Rolex.
Oops. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Shoot-fire, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back - I lost my contact lens.
Could you stop that thing from thumping; it's throwing my concentration off.
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! Now, can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses...
Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...?
And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life was, of course, 'perfect'.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a SUV) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep reading **.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a accident.
What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking-prefer hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly - bald head okay
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at Denny's on occasion
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it is a weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!!
Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh....thingie.
Oh, no. I just lost my Rolex.
Oops. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Shoot-fire, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back - I lost my contact lens.
Could you stop that thing from thumping; it's throwing my concentration off.
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! Now, can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses...
Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...?
And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life was, of course, 'perfect'.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a SUV) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep reading **.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a accident.
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Azier the Swordsman - Posts: 3109
- Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2003 10:00 am
- Location: Earth
Hey, I have more! (many a groan is heard)
~~~
It was Judgement Day, and everyone was standing before God.
"Will the women please leave for a little while? I need to talk with the men." God said, so all the women left.
"Okay, I want every man that ruled over women to stand in one line, and and the men that were ruled by women to stand in another line." It ended up being that every man except for one got into the 'ruled by women' line.
"How can this be? I said for you to be rulers, but only one man can say that he has! Now, tell us," God looks at the one man, "How you were able to stand in this one line today?"
"I dunno. My wife told me to stay here."
~~~
Three blondes were applying for jobs as detectives. The one guy that was evaluating them held up a picture of a man.
"Okay, look at this man and identify features that can help others find him."
"He has only one eye..." Said the first blonde.
"It's a profile picture. The other eye just isn't showing."
"He only has one ear..." Replied the second one.
"I thought I already said that this is a profile picture!"
"He wears contacts." Said the third one. The guy didn't know if this was true or not, so he looked it up, and sure enough, the man did wear contacts.
"Wow! How did you know that?"
"Well, he couldn't wear glasses properly if he only has one eye and one ear."
~~~
How many Narcissus' does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. They just stand under a socket and the world revolves around them.
~~~
(You have to try to guess these ones!)
How do you drop an egg 100 ft without breaking it?
In their father's will, two brothers were told to race with their horses, and whoever's horse lost would get the inheritance. They were puzzled about this, since a race like that could take forever. However, they did find a way to carry this out. What did they do?
~~~
It was Judgement Day, and everyone was standing before God.
"Will the women please leave for a little while? I need to talk with the men." God said, so all the women left.
"Okay, I want every man that ruled over women to stand in one line, and and the men that were ruled by women to stand in another line." It ended up being that every man except for one got into the 'ruled by women' line.
"How can this be? I said for you to be rulers, but only one man can say that he has! Now, tell us," God looks at the one man, "How you were able to stand in this one line today?"
"I dunno. My wife told me to stay here."
~~~
Three blondes were applying for jobs as detectives. The one guy that was evaluating them held up a picture of a man.
"Okay, look at this man and identify features that can help others find him."
"He has only one eye..." Said the first blonde.
"It's a profile picture. The other eye just isn't showing."
"He only has one ear..." Replied the second one.
"I thought I already said that this is a profile picture!"
"He wears contacts." Said the third one. The guy didn't know if this was true or not, so he looked it up, and sure enough, the man did wear contacts.
"Wow! How did you know that?"
"Well, he couldn't wear glasses properly if he only has one eye and one ear."
~~~
How many Narcissus' does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. They just stand under a socket and the world revolves around them.
~~~
(You have to try to guess these ones!)
How do you drop an egg 100 ft without breaking it?
In their father's will, two brothers were told to race with their horses, and whoever's horse lost would get the inheritance. They were puzzled about this, since a race like that could take forever. However, they did find a way to carry this out. What did they do?
SOMEWHAT WEIRDER THAN YOUR USUAL ABNORMAL!
~~~
License plate #1: YBNORML
License plate #2: LIVE-RPG
Bumper stickers:
I BRAKE FOR BISHIES!
DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS MOVIE!
CAUTION: IN CASE OF THE RAPTURE, THIS CAR WILL BE UNMANNED
MY OTHER CAR'S A GUNDAM
Friends don't let friends write Mary Sues.
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Asmi-chan - Posts: 43
- Joined: Thu Nov 06, 2003 4:04 pm
- Location: Good ole' U.S.A. (Wish it was Japan.)
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite,"
said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke,"
said the second little piggy. "
I want water, lots and lots of water,"
said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and
the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak,"
said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate,
" said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water,
" said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and
asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split,"
said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float,"
said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water,"
exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite,"
said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke,"
said the second little piggy. "
I want water, lots and lots of water,"
said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and
the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak,"
said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate,
" said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water,
" said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and
asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split,"
said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float,"
said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water,"
exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
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Azier the Swordsman - Posts: 3109
- Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2003 10:00 am
- Location: Earth
oh wow, these are really funny y'all. here's one of my personal favorites.
one day three guys were standing at the Pearly Gates with St Peter.
" Sorry guys, but we only have room for one more person so i can't let you all in. Here's what i'll do, y'all tell me how you died and whoever died the worst way can come in."
the first guy then says, " for a long time now i've been suspecting that my wife has been having an affair, so today when i got off from work early i went home hoping to catch her. when i got there my wife was sitting on the couch. i started running around the apartment looking for the guy. finally i went out on to the balcony and i saw his hands hanging on to it. when i saw him i went crazy and started screaming at him and stepping on his hands hoping that he would let go. when that didn't work i got my hammer and started hitting his hands with that and he fell. i looked over the balcony to see if he was dead but he had landed in a bush and wasn't. since i was still very mad i lifted the refrigerator and threw it down on him. then i had a massive heart attack and died."
" interesting," says St Peter. then he points to the second guy and the second guy says, " i was at my apartment on the balcony watering my prize begonias when one of them fell over the rail. i leaned over to catch it but i fell over the rail myself. luckily though, i caught on to the balcony of the apartment below me. i was about to pull myself up when some guy started stomping on my hands and screaming at me about how i was having an affair with his wife. then he went and got his hammer and started hitting my hands with that. by this time my hands were really starting to hurt so i let go. luckily i landed in a bush and didn't die, but then the maniac went and threw his refrigerator on top of me and i died."
" very interesting," says St Peter.
" piture this," the third guy says. " you're naked and in a refrigerator."
one day three guys were standing at the Pearly Gates with St Peter.
" Sorry guys, but we only have room for one more person so i can't let you all in. Here's what i'll do, y'all tell me how you died and whoever died the worst way can come in."
the first guy then says, " for a long time now i've been suspecting that my wife has been having an affair, so today when i got off from work early i went home hoping to catch her. when i got there my wife was sitting on the couch. i started running around the apartment looking for the guy. finally i went out on to the balcony and i saw his hands hanging on to it. when i saw him i went crazy and started screaming at him and stepping on his hands hoping that he would let go. when that didn't work i got my hammer and started hitting his hands with that and he fell. i looked over the balcony to see if he was dead but he had landed in a bush and wasn't. since i was still very mad i lifted the refrigerator and threw it down on him. then i had a massive heart attack and died."
" interesting," says St Peter. then he points to the second guy and the second guy says, " i was at my apartment on the balcony watering my prize begonias when one of them fell over the rail. i leaned over to catch it but i fell over the rail myself. luckily though, i caught on to the balcony of the apartment below me. i was about to pull myself up when some guy started stomping on my hands and screaming at me about how i was having an affair with his wife. then he went and got his hammer and started hitting my hands with that. by this time my hands were really starting to hurt so i let go. luckily i landed in a bush and didn't die, but then the maniac went and threw his refrigerator on top of me and i died."
" very interesting," says St Peter.
" piture this," the third guy says. " you're naked and in a refrigerator."
I mourn for those who never knew you
Click here for kick booty music!!
American by birth, Texan by the grace of God
This is where you can find me if I'm not on for a while
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Rachel - Posts: 1056
- Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2003 10:00 am
- Location: Wichita Falls, Texas
My favorite literary (or maybe it's more philosophy) joke:
Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Would you like a drink?" Descartes says "I think not" and dissappears.
Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Would you like a drink?" Descartes says "I think not" and dissappears.
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Cap'n Nick - Posts: 1008
- Joined: Sat Nov 13, 2004 10:00 am
- Location: Kojima, Japan
It may have been repeated here already, but here's is one of the worst jokes I've heard.
Darth Vader: Luke, Luke....I know what you're getting for Christmas.
Luke: And how would you know that?
Darth Vader: I have felt your presents.
Darth Vader: Luke, Luke....I know what you're getting for Christmas.
Luke: And how would you know that?
Darth Vader: I have felt your presents.
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bigsleepj - Posts: 3432
- Joined: Sun Apr 11, 2004 12:00 pm
- Location: South Africa - Oh yes, better believe it!
I am surprised I have not listed my favorite joke here yet (most likely because it is lengthy). Not necessarily favorite because it is hilarious, but because of other reasons.
There are four priests that regularly debate one another in matters of theology. Almost every time three of them agree with only one priest dissenting. This repeats time and time again, and eventually this lone priest gets fed up. When it comes to a specific point where he knows he is right, he decides to appeal to God.
"Lord," he prays, "I know that I'm right about this. Please give them a sign so they will believe me." Immediately after he prays this the sky, which was formerly bright and sunny, becomes cloudy and overcast. The priest cries "See! See!"
"It's probably just a fluke," the other priests tell him.
Shocked, the lone priest prays again. "Lord, they still don't believe! Please... if you could..." And immediately after he prays this the sky become sunny again. Abruptly stormclouds appear, but only over a nearby mountain.
The other priests shrug and say "Eh, stranger things have happened."
Now very upset, the priest begins to pray again. But he barely gets the words "Lord, please" out of his mouth before a flash of lightning clears the sky and a voice that seems to shake the foundations of the earth thunders: "HE IS RIGHT!"
Amazed by this, the lone priest turns to the others and says "See? How can you deny that? It was obvious that God agrees with me."
There is a pause, and then the other priests say "Well... it's still three to two."
There are four priests that regularly debate one another in matters of theology. Almost every time three of them agree with only one priest dissenting. This repeats time and time again, and eventually this lone priest gets fed up. When it comes to a specific point where he knows he is right, he decides to appeal to God.
"Lord," he prays, "I know that I'm right about this. Please give them a sign so they will believe me." Immediately after he prays this the sky, which was formerly bright and sunny, becomes cloudy and overcast. The priest cries "See! See!"
"It's probably just a fluke," the other priests tell him.
Shocked, the lone priest prays again. "Lord, they still don't believe! Please... if you could..." And immediately after he prays this the sky become sunny again. Abruptly stormclouds appear, but only over a nearby mountain.
The other priests shrug and say "Eh, stranger things have happened."
Now very upset, the priest begins to pray again. But he barely gets the words "Lord, please" out of his mouth before a flash of lightning clears the sky and a voice that seems to shake the foundations of the earth thunders: "HE IS RIGHT!"
Amazed by this, the lone priest turns to the others and says "See? How can you deny that? It was obvious that God agrees with me."
There is a pause, and then the other priests say "Well... it's still three to two."
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uc pseudonym - Posts: 15506
- Joined: Tue Jun 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Tanzania
Alright, let's see who gets this.
An officer pulls over a man who has obvioulsy had too much to drink. The officer says, "Sir, do you have any ID?" The man replys, "About what?"
If no one gets it, explain why it's funny.
An officer pulls over a man who has obvioulsy had too much to drink. The officer says, "Sir, do you have any ID?" The man replys, "About what?"
If no one gets it, explain why it's funny.
[color="Red"]As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. - Proverbs 23:7[/color]
The Sundries
Robin: "If we close our eyes, we can't see anything."
Batman: "A sound observation, Robin."
The Sundries
Robin: "If we close our eyes, we can't see anything."
Batman: "A sound observation, Robin."
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Doubleshadow - Posts: 2102
- Joined: Sat Nov 13, 2004 7:04 pm
- Location: ... What's burning?
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