Shadow Crisis: The Series (Violence)

Postby **Photosoph** » Sun May 29, 2005 1:52 pm

Cool! I like the character development of Xan, and some of you ideas for the monsters. I enjoyed this chapter even more than the last one. But I have got a question -what do these other characters look like?
Another tip though, is just that if there's any way around repeating a word when it's near to the sentence (or in the same sentence) when you originally used the word, it helps the sentences to flow. Sometimes you can get around that by calling it something else -for example, here's a random sentence using your mole monster:
'The mole monster roared in agony as Shia struck it. The terrible beast lurched towards Shia, trying to kill him before he did any more damage.' So sometimes it's just a matter of changing its name to a description of it -mole monster could become monster, beast, creature, etc.

Postby **Shia Kyosuka** » Sun May 29, 2005 10:22 pm

Yeah, that's right. I haven't submitted any Xan, Jason, or Tajco drawings. I'll have to get on that.

Thanks for the tips. heh.

I'm going to start the next chapter now.

Postby **Shia Kyosuka** » Mon May 30, 2005 12:43 am

Postby **girlninja** » Mon May 30, 2005 4:50 am

Very good story ^^

I do have some suggestions if you would like to listen ^^:;;
When your doing your description of emotion like Shian felt aggravated etc often it's better to let their actions describe their emotion such as:

insteand of Shian feels aggravated maybe something like, "Shian grit his teeth." a

the only other thing i saw was you used the same would alot sometimes, such as "charged" but other then that good story so far ^^

Postby **Shia Kyosuka** » Mon May 30, 2005 1:19 pm

Postby **Photosoph** » Mon May 30, 2005 1:36 pm

That's cool; it's great to read more. I'll have to comment a little later in more detail, though, since I need to get moving. Just posting to let you know that I've read and enjoyed it. ^_^

<EDIT>All right I'm back.

I noticed that you've mixed up the sentence starters a little more ("...Before the bullets hit the computer...", "Everything started going at normal..."). I'd like to see that a little more, but it's still good. I also liked the way you used 'commanded', 'gasped' and 'exclaimed' instead of 'said' all the time.

. It was great to read more, and I liked some of the moves you described. Your names are cool too -Xan, Shia, Trap, etc. You also wrote your speech well too, in a way that made it interesting rather than just explanatory.
Great writing. Keep it up!

Postby **Shia Kyosuka** » Tue May 31, 2005 12:09 am

Postby **Shia Kyosuka** » Tue May 31, 2005 9:28 am

Postby **Photosoph** » Tue May 31, 2005 2:28 pm

That's cool -it's a really interesting story that just seems to build as time goes on. I like the flash backs too; it makes a story interesting when you switch time zones.

Postby **Shia Kyosuka** » Tue May 31, 2005 10:56 pm

Postby **Shia Kyosuka** » Wed Jun 01, 2005 10:33 pm

Postby **Photosoph** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:35 pm

Cool! It's good to read more. ^_^ I like the actions you described.

Postby **Shia Kyosuka** » Sat Jun 04, 2005 6:56 am

Edit: Whoops! accidentaly clicked "post quick reply".

Postby **Shia Kyosuka** » Sat Jun 04, 2005 7:28 pm

Edit: Clicked it again.

Where the heck is that freakin delete button!?

Postby **Photosoph** » Sat Jun 04, 2005 7:56 pm

I dunno... maybe only the mods and admins can delete posts? *shrugs*

Postby **Shia Kyosuka** » Sat Jun 04, 2005 9:17 pm

Postby **Photosoph** » Sat Jun 04, 2005 9:34 pm

That's cool. Thanks for posting s'more!
I like the new character. ^_^ Go chicks! :evil:

Postby **Shia Kyosuka** » Sun Jun 05, 2005 9:35 pm

Postby **Photosoph** » Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:28 pm

Another cool chapter!
I noticed you put 'semi' instead of 'semi-automatic'; IMHO, if you put the full word it helps people understand it better, since not everyone will know what you mean by semi.
Great!

Postby **Shia Kyosuka** » Sun Jun 05, 2005 11:29 pm

heheh... um... a semi is a truck that holds cargo. lol.

Thanks for the comment.

Postby **Warrior 4 Jesus** » Mon Jun 06, 2005 1:34 am

Nice work mate! Yes, a semi is a type of truck in Australia also.

Postby **Photosoph** » Mon Jun 06, 2005 2:23 pm

Well, it's good to know that, guys. Thanks for the explanation! :lol:

Postby **Shia Kyosuka** » Mon Jun 06, 2005 2:54 pm

heheh you're welcome.

Postby **Shia Kyosuka** » Thu Jun 09, 2005 8:27 pm

Postby **Shia Kyosuka** » Thu Jun 09, 2005 8:28 pm

Postby **Shia Kyosuka** » Thu Jun 09, 2005 8:42 pm

Oh and, I've edited the most notable mistakes (Warrior 4 Jesus).

So you don't have to point out the really bad ones including the end to Xan's segment.

Postby **Photosoph** » Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:36 pm

Cool, lots more! :jump:

You're bringing out more excellent characters, character designs, and ideas. I'm really enjoying it. ^_^

Postby **Warrior 4 Jesus** » Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:49 pm

What?!! I didn't say anything about editing! Did I? Anyway, I love your ideas and characters. Great work! How long are you planning this story to be? (roughly)

Postby **Shia Kyosuka** » Fri Jun 10, 2005 11:41 am

LOL!

I said that because I noticed you were reading (that thing on the bottom that shows who is viewing the thread), and there was this REALLY bad, embarrasing mistake near the end of Xan's episode segment. I just KNEW the first person who saw that was going to mention it. heheh.

Yeah.... It was that bad...

Shadow Crisis: The Series (Violence)

Shadow Crisis: The Series (Violence)

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