Meledriel

[Taslin_Jewel]

OOOOO, I like!
More, more, more!

[Siren of Lyrics]

Very good brovo It is exciting but a little long of corse I'm a poet so I'm used to things really short

[Lochaber Axe]

I begun brainstorming the next part. It will dwell deeper into the demon side of my tale. Im adding another character to my story. Simply put, he calls himself the Demon Fox. If you don't want to guess, he's a demon, and also if you have seen the Buffy spin off series "Angel", Fox is starting to feel what rarely is seen in demons, guilt. Ive never intended for this to be an acurate angel analogy, so I can dwell into possible emotions inside the hatred of all in real demons. Of course, you will never see me writing about demons who fall in love, that is just blasphemous and impossible. Demons are far too gone to experience love anymore. That is where I put the line, unlike many manga. Anyhow this is getting too long so I just wanted to ask how you think about Fox. He's going to be introduced in the beginning of the first of part 2, so comment.

Edit: He will be the rival of Meledriel, and contrast with Meledriel's strength with his speed.

[Razgriz]

Do continue with this character idea of Demon Fox, I'm interested in seeing where it goes.

[Lochaber Axe]

I need to post something... okay here it is, the beginning of part 2. If you reply remember that this is not all of part 2... only the beginning.

[Edit: here it is]

Part 2: Vanity of Demons

There is a string of children’s nightmares in the northern regions. Each child sees in their dreams the same phantom with quickness of speed from shadow to shadow, a gruesome serrated twin blade, and a hideous mask. A mask of unmentionable terror, of anger, hatred, and some stories speak of the mask with a visage of immortal guilt. Unknown have perished by this unseen but believed creature. Lore has become belief, and belief has become a religion. All the northlands believe in this creature and some worship it. All know him as the Demon Fox.

Ancient trees are said to have seen the passing of heroes, the destruction of armies, and the creation of new life. Such are the experiences of this ancient forest. These proud and mighty trees stretch forward and embrace each other in an eternal bond of fraternity. The wooden brothers block all light from shining into the forest. In this darkness, evil can fester and become stronger with each sunless second, and grow stronger in the vain belief that it can one day defeat the light. In this forest a lowly grunt of a demon wearily plods along, vaguely using any strength to chop obstructing branches from his path. His muscles quake and shiver in their demands for rest. Yet this demon, not fully realizing the limitations of its corporeal form, continues on. All manner of beings watch in silence as the demon passes by. Only one other in the forest does not fear the demon, he has little reason to fear. The being is Fear.

Muscles tense, breathing slows, eyes roving, the demon suddenly halts his progress when he feels the presence of another. Every rustle of leaf sends the demon into a spin as he turns around and around in the vain attempt to locate his stalker. The demon’s fears are realized with an explosion of motion among the trees, the blur of unimaginable speed occurs above him. With a startled yelp, the demon quickly assumes a defensive posture. After a few moments to recover composure, it gives a confident snarl. The demon’s composure and defensive posture soon melted away as the stalker drops from the trees. The figure gives the appearance of an average man, yet the darkness emanating from it was that of a demon. With a heavily muscled body and black leather armor, this demon was a full foot taller than the startled whelp. At his side was a pair of curved blades with edges that could slice through a body with ease. This demon’s most fearful attribute was not its muscles or even its blades, but its mask which could incite multitudes of emotions at the same time. This mask reflecting intense hatred and guilt was held onto his face by straps which came from the sides of the mask. His waist length hair, tied into a ponytail, was the color of well-polished silver.

Moments passed without a breath, without a word, and then the figure broke the silence.

“Mind telling me what business you have here?â€

[true_noir_chloe]

Nicely done, Lochabar. ^-^ Your sentences ran very smooth on this.

[Lochaber Axe]

Sorry about the bad ending for the first of Part 2 . Oh and if you haven't figured it out, I am posting each part in groups of two. I didn't want to leave it on a cliffhanger but I'm battling writer's block right now. This part serves as an introduction to his appearance and to what holds him captive inside.

[Razgriz]

very nice, the scene is building up quite nicely...I have no doubt that the next part will be very interesting indeed. heh

[Adesa]

Great story to this point. When will you post the next part?

[Lochaber Axe]

Here is Part 2... Part 3 will not have any action in it since it will be more character driven, and Part 4 is the battle between Demon Fox and Meledriel so I hope you enjoy.

Part 2: Vanity of Demons, continued.

Illusions…illusions, that is all that comes from war.
Power, honor, wealth, all ends as nothing
As the battles scours the worlds.
Honor is cast aside like fallen leaves,
As bloodlust begins to feed.
Is this the price we pay
When we take up the blade?


Yellow clouds begin to boil as a mighty storm displays its angry tantrum. Wind begins to grab at the treetops and tosses brown leaves to the ground. With this change of weather, the mood of a small compound of tents huddled around the encircling comfort of a gently flowing river changes. The compound bustles as leather-clad warriors erect a tent to protect precious equipment and arms. The neighing and shifting of excited horses continues to increase, as they sense the coming storm. Men curse as their lives become more unbearable as they get ready for the coming rain. One particular man looks out at the storm with hostility, because this storm will only delay his guest even more. The man’s battle hardened face grimaces. He begins to crack his gauntlet-covered knuckles in the attempt to stop his slightly shaking fingers. A smile suddenly appears onto his face as wind sweeps across it. It is ironic that he would be waiting impatiently for him, even though the visitor chills this warrior to the bone. A shiver travels automatically down his spine as he delves deeper into thought. His train of thought ends as a mighty torrent of rain pounds his head. With an explicative, the broad shouldered man turns and enters his tent. The tent fabric begins to undulate as the wind and rain tries to carry it away. Feeling safe inside his tent, the man passes his full-length mirror. He spies something that gives him concern. Vanity is not something that the man cherishes, since it is a belief of his people that such frivolousness is deplorable, but this man does care how his appearance affects his men. The mirror portrays a man in his forties with a strong build clad with armor black as night. With his left palm resting on the metal skull pommel of his broad sword, the warrior observes his dirty brown hair with obvious strains of gray. The man is startled as an evil laugh escapes from an observer in the shadows.

“That will appear more frequently in the coming seasons for you, mortal,â€

[Razgriz]

Great conclusion to the chapter, it's going along real well.

[true_noir_chloe]

Nice job. I'll keep checking back on this. ~-^

[uc pseudonym]

Hmm... I finally got around to reading this.

Very good work, in a variety of ways. Combat is good (and I know about that), things flow nicely otherwise, characters are shaping up to be interesting. I definitely see what you meant by similar to mine, but it really has a different feel to it. Plus, your angels/demons exist in the same plane as humans. I really have no serious complaints...

...well, maybe one. But it isn't your fault. By this point I have come to believe that I lack some quality, some indefinable characteristic that seems to exist in others in abundance. Everything I write, no matter what the forum, seems to be ignored. Now, you deserve every good review you've gotten, but it does seem that I never have this manner of review swarming...

[Adesa]

Your storyline and character development are progressing very well. The story has the same quality as two of Frank Peretti's novels. Keep going!.

[true_noir_chloe]

Adesa, were you referring to Meledrial or UC's stories? I was just curious. And which two novels did you mean?

[Adesa]

Adesa, were you referring to Meledrial or UC's stories? I was just curious. And which two novels did you mean?

Chloe, I was referring to the Meledriel story. I have attempted to read UC's story, but I have not located the first part of his story yet. I look forward to reading his story.

Secondly, the two Peretti novels in my reference, This Present Darkness and Piercing the Darkness. I had wished this author would have written another book in this style, but he ventured off into more serious writing.

I have read your story, The Werewolf of Tupelo, Chloe. It is good. Initially, I had trouble getting into the story because of the opening dialogue. You might consider opening your story up with a introductory paragraph that helps set the tone and setting. Just a thought.

[true_noir_chloe]

I opened it with their dialogue to set the tone and setting, but I'll check it over again; however, this is Meledrial's post so please let me know if you have remarks re: my story at my story. Thanks.

I didn't see Peretti in Lochabar's writing, but we all view writing differently - since it's subjective. Meledrial's getting really interesting and good Lochabar.

UC has a very good story and his writing is excellent, also. You can read his stuff out of order and still see he's a very good and talented writer.

[uc pseudonym]

thefall.christiananime.net

The website isn't done, but you can find the stories in order there (minus one, which is still, annoyingly, not up). Don't broadcast that address to anyone else, I want to wait for it to be done.

But I've taken this thread too far off the topic. This is about Lochaber Axe's writing. Carry on.

[Icarus]

Going back to what Adesa said about Perretti, yeah Meledriel does kinda remind me of them, but Perretti's angels and demons didn't interact this directly with the physical world. Back to Meledriel. I like the characters and the story so far. I really like the poem at the start of the second half of "The Vanity of Demons."
On the whole, good rot.

[Adesa]

Going back to what Adesa said about Perretti, yeah Meledriel does kinda remind me of them, but Perretti's angels and demons didn't interact this directly with the physical world. Back to Meledriel. I like the characters and the story so far. I really like the poem at the start of the second half of "The Vanity of Demons."
On the whole, good rot.

My statement was concerning the quality of Lochaber's writing ability. His storyline and character development are exceptional for his age. I am a trained technical editor. Fiction is just a sideline for me. I hold an undergraduate degree and have graduate studies. Just for the record. No offenses have been intended to anyone.

[Mimichan]

Hello...just popped in to give my thumbs up. I really like this story and look forward to reading more of it.

[Lochaber Axe]

Well good news... I have finished the first entry of Part 3, and will be posting after I get it proofread.

Thank you for your encouragement.

[Lochaber Axe]

As I promised, it is a little short though. *shrugs*

Part 3: Inner Tragedies

Aikethlin

I am a son of yours,
For only your embrace
Holds me to this deck
As the storms grab for my neck.
And the white waves with utmost grace
Pull me from my oars.

Forget me not, my Aikethlin
For I will not step upon your blessed port
Anymore but always more.

-Written by unknown sailor before the day he was lost at sea.

The city of Aikethlin is as it has been for centuries. All who live there cherish this majestic city. Aikethlin was the beginning of civilization in this region. The White Stone Guard, are sworn to protect her. The Guard wears the insignia of the White City and their armor reflects this. The Marble guard is the protectors of the city and all the lordships that surround her.

The uproar in the seaside taverns is the usual event when the ships are docked after each voyage. Filth and drunkenness are the wayfarers welcome to this land ruled by old sailors and the ladies of the night who entertain them. However, one particular tavern was silent for that time of night. A horse stands outside this tavern with a pure white saddle.
“Now I will say this only once again,â€

[Adesa]

This is a good way to bring your first characters back into the story. Keep going!

[uc pseudonym]

...

^
The above was a review that signifies I read and enjoyed what was written, yet have nothing to say.

[Razgriz]

Now that I finally gotten around to reading this...excellent work overall for this chapter, it's getting to be very interesting.

[Lochaber Axe]

Sorry for this long hiatus. I should be finishing this chapter in a little bit since the Christmas holidays for me are starting in a few days. I hope you will forgive me for my procrastination.

[Mimichan]

very good ^_^ and I think I beat you in the procrastination department...^_~

[uc pseudonym]

Oh, you're forgiven. I know how that goes. Feel free to take your time.

[Lochaber Axe]

Thank you all for reading my story, yet I believe I need to put this on an extended hiatus. I have no new ideas, nothing is coming to me to extend the chapter I am on. Unless you want me to jump toward the Meledriel and Demon Fox battle (which I have planned out pretty well) with leaving a huge gaping hole in my story...

What is also making me do this is that another story idea keeps popping up. It is a more anime inspired action comedy, much in the way of Trigun and other comedies.