my short story

[Tenshi no Ai]

I'd concider this as possibly the best job I've done... a girl writing a story as first-person guy. I managed it! 2 warnings though: involves a character who briefly smokes, and includes violence, but at a minimal level (no blood etc. actually depicted.) But hey, it IS a serious story and everything and yeah hope it'll be allowed on here and enjoyed! ^^ Comments MUCH appreciated to this 2nd revision (which I hope should be my LAST!) BTW: betcha no one can guess my source of allusion on here^^ poo.. indents are kinda werid on here but I geuss makes it easier to read!




~Winter Wonderland
[I][INDENT]
“When snow melts, what does it become?â€

[Tenshi no Ai]

[INDENT] The cold of the frost is now starting to nip at my fingers. I pull out my lighter and a pack of Players from my pocket. Sliding open the pack, I see there’s only one single smoke left. I look at it curiously and can still see her childish face, giving me that angry look. But why do I see that now? After all this time…[/INDENT]
[INDENT] Puddles have always surrounded my memories. After the snow melts, it becomes such a horrible slush that soon turns to water, soon dissolving into nothing. But have my memories really disappeared? No. I could never forget her. And what she’s done for me. Even though I have forgotten that for a good part of the year…[/INDENT]
[INDENT] I hold up to my face both my lighter and my pack, for a good long look. Pulling my arm back, I give them a hard toss into the stream, which had already thaw out from the ice. As I watched the pack float down the river, which was already running after being frozen for so long, I figured it out. Even for the once frozen river, seasons change, and always will return again.[/INDENT]
[INDENT][I] “When snow melts, what does it become? It becomes spring, of course.â€

[ShiroiHikari]

Hey, nice job! :3

[Kaori]

Overall, this is not a bad story; you do a nice job with your narrator's voice, and both of the characters are interesing. I like the fact that your characters are so deeply flawed; the childish behavior of the girlfriend, the detail of her dirty hair, and statements like "I’m not even… quite sure what drew her near to someone like me" all make your characters seem very human.

My only major complaint is that the moment (at the end of your first post) where your narrator screams in anguish is a bit melodramatic.

On the other hand, the fact that you bring back ideas from the very beginning of the story at its end (the narrator deciding to stop smoking, the answer to the question about snow) works very well structurally--it gives the entire story a sense of completion.

BTW: betcha no one can guess my source of allusion on here^^

Well, the question [I]“When snow melts, what does it become?â€

[Tenshi no Ai]

[quote="Kaori"]

Well, the question [I]“When snow melts, what does it become?â€

[starstoryteller]

awsome. I loved it.