Zion

[Razgriz]

*Sangoku appears out of nowhere*

Sangoku: Where am I...

*ahem*

Well, sir, I am planning on taking the side story deeper into the world in which Zion lives in; the politics, the battles, the flora and fauna of the world. It won't be about Zion (the character), but rather another story about a completely different character that maintains the flavor of this story, told from a different perspective.

The story will be called: "Dragonslayer"

The primary purpose of this story will be to help you, sir, for ideas to incorporate in your story, as well as for me to try to become a "wannabe writer."

[Solid Ronin]

[quote="Sangoku"]*Sangoku appears out of nowhere*

Sangoku: Where am I...

*ahem*

Well, sir, I am planning on taking the side story deeper into the world in which Zion lives in]

Im also a "wannabe writer.".how will it differ in terms of story and heart than in any other "wannabe writer" story?

[Razgriz]

I plan to tackle a different strategy to writing....in other words, script based. I find that it might work better for me to create a story that could be converted into a comic or whatnot...I'm hoping. But that didn't answer your question, lol, well, I'm planning to incorporate some of my own "heart" into the story as well. Perhaps I will learn something about myself from my own writings, it's as much for me as it is for y'all.

[Solid Ronin]

I plan to tackle a different strategy to writing....in other words, script based. I find that it might work better for me to create a story that could be converted into a comic or whatnot...I'm hoping. But that didn't answer your question, lol, well, I'm planning to incorporate some of my own "heart" into the story as well. Perhaps I will learn something about myself from my own writings, it's as much for me as it is for y'all.

good enough for me

[uc pseudonym]

Just a word, Sangoku... when you say primarily script base, you refer to other than the battles, correct? Because that would be quite a trick (either that, or your focus won't have battles).

[Razgriz]

Just a word, Sangoku... when you say primarily script base, you refer to other than the battles, correct? Because that would be quite a trick (either that, or your focus won't have battles).

That is correct.

[true_noir_chloe]

I didn't know this was a collaboration when I first came on to read Ronin's story. I'm glad Sangoku, a good young writer, will be helping you, Ronin.

I saw the usual problems with a young writer; fragmented sentences, misspelled words, the usual grammatical problems that I still struggle with and others on these boards do, as well. I probably more so, since I have ADHD and forget everything.

I like your story. Zion does have a flavor, as UC said, that is... likable. I would not have used the Lord's name in vain in the one section of dialogue and I hope you reconsider him doing that. That's one of my pet peeves.

I'm not sure I understand where Joseph came from - he sort of appeared suddenly. I'm sure you'll cover that later.

What comments did you want me to make? I like your idea and I think you have a cute sense of humor with the rapport between Joseph and Zion.

Battle scenes I might have handled a little different, but UC covered that. For myself, I like to remain centered and not jump kick so much in tae-kwon-do. I feel I have more power if I'm not jumping around, but I'm sure it looks cooler in a comic.

Write some more and I'll be happy to come and see how it's moving along. You've written likable characters that aren't flat and I'd give you an A for that.

[uc pseudonym]

She speaks truth (on many issues, but I'm speaking about this one): the jump kick is far overused. It really isn't a very good technique, anyway. I try to avoid them whenever possible in my fight scenes (unless someone else is capitalizing on them...).

[Solid Ronin]

[quote="true_noir_chloe"]I didn't know this was a collaboration when I first came on to read Ronin's story. I'm glad Sangoku, a good young writer, will be helping you, Ronin.

I saw the usual problems with a young writer]

uhhhh I only used a lift kick once didnt I.And Zion dosent use Tae-kwon-do...and which sentence(s) do you speak of im sure there are many but I didnt see them as I am horrible in language..misspelled words CRAP I checked it twice on the spell checker CRRRAAAAAPPPPP.....anywho thank you for you input...I also like my characters and you just gave me my first A By the way this is no collaboration im doing this myself but good ol San does correct me a few times thank God for him also Zion isnt a Christian but he does have a Friend that we will meet next story but ill try not to do it again unless I feel thats what hed say

However I wanted to keep this under wraps until this story is done but o well Sangoku new story is really the second part of the Zion world which is called

"Dragonslayer"

[Solid Ronin]

She speaks truth (on many issues, but I'm speaking about this one): the jump kick is far overused. It really isn't a very good technique, anyway. I try to avoid them whenever possible in my fight scenes (unless someone else is capitalizing on them...).

I think your think of the roundhouse kick and yes the first fight was horrible I promise that the next will be along the lines of " DESTRUCTION IN ITS PUREST FORM"

[Solid Ronin]

Jess
Age: 14
Height: 4'10
Weight: 135 lb.
For some reason I want this character to be flat chested

Zion is in a apartment hallway knocking on a door

Zion: Hope this is the right number

Knocks on door....Jess answers

Jess: Zion!.'bout time I thought you'd already be here an hour ago..come in.

Zion walks into the room

Zion: Mugging...

Jess: You hurt?

Zion: Of course not..dude had a STRONG right hook , I'll give him that

Jess: Shower..you most likely need one

Zion: You coming on to me???

Jess: throws a pillow at Zion hitting his face gently

Zion: take that as a no

Zion walks into the bathroom and take a 20 minute shower..he comes out ,fully dressed, drying his hair with a towel.He throws the towel in a hamper and start to walk back to the living room and passes Jess'es room where he sees her praying....Zion runs to the living room and sits on the love seat

Zion: *thinking* I hate it when she does that

A few minutes pass...Jess walk into the room

Zion: Please close the door when you do that

Jess: Could you please be more quite when I pray?...you know for a ninja you sure aren't stealthy.

Zion: I'm not a ninja just a Martial artist

Jess: its all the same thing.....Hows Joesph?

Zion: on his way here actually

Jess: I thought he hated walking on these streets

Zion: he does

Jess: He must really want a shower

Zion: He'll be over much more often

Jess: why do you say that ?

Zion: Hes found another way here

Jess: Which is?

Zion: the roof

Joesph leaps to a rooftop and lands in a cool stance

Joesph: humph!

he collapses...

Joesph: huff..huff...the streets are worse...the streets are worse..huff..

He gets up and starts to walking...then collapses...

We see Zion and Jess back at her home debating

Zion: I just dont think life has a true meaning

Jess:How could you say that it so.....demeaning.

Zion: Nevermind..this whloe thing is stupid lets just stop..ok

Jess: *sighs* Your right..*thinking: I WON!!!!*

Zion: I better get going its getting late and Joesph and myself have to find a place to sleep.

Jess:You could spend the night here...both of you of course

Zion: After what happend last time

Zion walks out the door into the hallway. Jess follows

Jess: It wont happen again. What are the odds?

Zion walks over to Jess and put his right hand on her cheek and moves some hair revealing a burn mark

Zion: No

Zion wals away and goes up the stairs to the roof Jess stands there watching him go with her hand on her left cheek gently crying

Zion reaches the roof and see a man in short distance of him looking at him

Seth: Zion isnt it?

Zion: What do you want? Who are you?

[Solid Ronin]

never mind

[Razgriz]

Nice intro of Jess, I like it.

Edit: I answered my own question, lol.

[uc pseudonym]

Ah, I see this has a Christian element now as well. I'll sit and wait to see how that turns out.

Meanwhile: we're not going to jump on your back about it, but lay off the edgy language. I'm not even going to edit your post, as it wasn't that bad, I'm just telling you.

[Solid Ronin]

Ah, I see this has a Christian element now as well. I'll sit and wait to see how that turns out.

Meanwhile: we're not going to jump on your back about it, but lay off the edgy language. I'm not even going to edit your post, as it wasn't that bad, I'm just telling you.

edgy what do you mean really im not sue of what your talking about

[uc pseudonym]

This:

..miss sleped words CRAP I check it twice on the spell checker CRRRAAAAAPPPPP

Again, no big deal.

[Solid Ronin]

This:



Again, no big deal.

ok

EDIT: im a fool Prime

[uc pseudonym]

Glad that's settled. I just noticed you used your change of username. Nice.

[true_noir_chloe]

I like how you wrote the last part. It had some good interaction between Jess and Zion. There was only minor punctuation and wording problems. What I mean by wording problems is, there is a better way to say some of the things you wrote. That will develop as you write more. ^-^

[Solid Ronin]

oooohh Thank you

[Locke]

nice! orhan karate kid on the streets!! nice storie

edgy...

[Solid Ronin]

the fights are going to get MUCH MUCH better with a new style

[churchgirl111]

i like it soo far bring on the battles and of course cute guys lol

[Solid Ronin]

cute guys you will have

[Locke]

battles??? someone say battles???

[uc pseudonym]

Why yes, someone did say battles. This is one of the threads in which I'm sure you will have battles galore. Also look to mine or Heaven's Cloud's.

[Solid Ronin]

many LOOONNNGGG battles to come

[KarateGirl]

Hey, this is a pretty cool story!! I was a little worried at the beginning there, the whole orphen thing (its in a lot of stories, thats all) but its really creating its own style. Your characters interact well and the humor in the conversations isnt looked over. I will continue reading this!!!!!
But just a side note here, and i may be the only one here with this opinion but hey. So what.

I love Karate, TKD...(Tang So Doo personally) but try not to drag out battle scnens. I understand they need to be there (bad city, kinda fighting to stay alive) it would be boring if you didnt have fights, but if you spend a lot of time on a battle, the reader starts to skim the words, not actually reading, until the plot reveals its self again. But, this isnt going to hinder me from reading when you update. I'm looking forward to anything else you post!!!


-KarateGirl

[true_noir_chloe]

I'm with Karate Girl, I skim the battles. I don't like drawn out battle scenes, but then that could be a guy thing. LOL

[uc pseudonym]

Sigh... how I hate the words "a guy thing." Not that I'm really offended. Yes, I appreciate battles as an artform. To be honest, I understand how you feel completely. I stop listening to music after a few minutes unless the lyrics are incredible, and even the most incredible art holds me only about three seconds.

Though I do skim poorly written fighting. Hopefully I won't see any of that here.