ummm...me attempting to write a story

[churchgirl111]

THis is an attempt due to the fact that i don't think i am a quality writer but i shall attempt...i bagged Santuro but i have an idea for a story slightly similar....

Chapter 1

Trees. Endless trees that flowed together. With their bright colors fading into the background, Chitana sighed. She was on a train going to Japan. Japan of all places. That was after the boat ride sitting next to crying kids and complaining adults. That nightmare had lasted for a week maybe more.

The days had flowed together into a humdrum routine. "Miss? Miss?" The voice pulled Chitana out of her daze.

"Is there anyone sitting here?" a young man's voice asked. Chitana looked up and saw a handsome man dressed in a kimono. she blushed, getting up to quickly she bumped her head on the cabin above her. Mumbling and silently wishing that cabin's could be killed, saw the young man holding back a laugh.

Chitana's face beat red and she felt like it was on fire. "My name is Chitana Kimanatori." she sad bowing slightly, remembering her tutoring.

"My name is Tomo-chi Kyoshen," he smiled, bowing slightly. Chitana silently tested the name out to her tongue. "Umm.. may i ask you something?" the man tapped her to get her attention.

Chitana looked up and waited for him to finish. "Well..uh.." he hesitated, "You have an English accent. I am assuming you are from England. Why are you going to Japan so close after the War?"

"My father sent me here to learn more about my family." Chitana explained. Kyoshen looked visibly shocked. "I was adopted after the War started. I am sixteen now..so i will guess that would make it six years into the war."

I have to go so i'll finish the rest later....

[Razgriz]

I think it's a good start, you may want to separate paragraphs in accordance to who's speaking, other than that, I like your dialogue, keep writing!

[Haibane Shadsie]

A few typos and punctuation errors, and the aforementioned thing with seperating the paragraphs when diffrent people speak, but otherwise, a nice start. I like it.

[true_noir_chloe]

I'd agree with Sangoku and Shadsie. I really like it. You've got the starting of a really good story. Keep it up. You have very creative ideas overall. I liked your idea for Santuro also. You must be very creative.

Honestly, I really think if you work at writing, because you have so much heart in your characters, you'll really be something in the future. I really look forward to how you progress. ^-^

[Mimichan]

very good. I look forward to reading more of it ^_^

[Tet-chan]

Nice plot.Just like what everyone says,it would be better off with paragraph

[Icarus]

Nice. Obviously, I will be coming back as I detest leaving a story, especially one I like, in the middle of a conversation. Also, what they said, but, it's no big deal.

[Danyasaur]

cool I like the story line like everyone else said it's nice to have diferent lines for when somone else is talking but keep it up!

[churchgirl111]

Readable paragraphs Domo for the advice...

Chitana shuffled nervously in her seat, trying to cover it by appearing as if she was just getting comfortable. Kyoshen was silent for a moment, then broke out into a big grin, "Well where are you going to stay?"

CHitana thought for a moment, "I suppose I shall try to find an inn until my search if over. I know nothing of my relatives, so i suppose i shall just ask around once I reach Kyoto."

Kyoshen about jumped out of his chair, "Your going to Kyoto? That's where i live! Oh, You Must stay with me!"

Chitana gaped in suprise, "But we have barely just met and...no, I couldn't. I don't even know you." She shook her head. Her mind said no but her heart was just screaming towards this young martial artist.

Kyoshen's face fell, " aww...why not?" Chitana yelled as a chibi-sized sad face came up.

"Can you all do that?" chitana scooted away from the chibi-kyoshen.
As Kyoshen was going to respond, a voice over the loud speaker came on announcing their arrival to Kyoto.

"well this is my stop."Chitana said, hoping to get away before she consented to actually staying with him.

"you mean our stop," Kyoshen popped up next to her with his bag.

Chitana shook her head and sighed. As they stepped of the train, she was amazed at the regal and simplicity of the capital. It was open towards the sky and not confined, unlike her own England. England is like a cage, she thought, all buildings and no freedom.

As she walked down the road towards the main part of the city, Kyoshen whining and begging behind her, she noticed someone out of the corner of her eye.

Is he following us? Chitana thought. No, stop being so paranoid.

Kyoshen suddendly arrived behind her, running at top speed, and picked her up. Her luggage dropped to the ground and popped open. Frilled dresses of all colors, makeup, books, personals strewed across the road.
Before she could utter a word, she felt herself down a side street with Kyoshen.

"What did you do that for, Kyoshen? All my luggage, my makeup, everything..." she trailed off her angry rant. She noticed that Kyoshen wasn't paying attention to her, instead he had his eyes on the three men in dark clothing that were walking towards them.



Sorry i can only write this in spirts but i am writing these really late so i can't write as much as i want to...
More later...Kobanwa!

[Razgriz]

very nice, I like the suspense at the end.

[Danyasaur]

. . . . . . GAHHH!!!!!!! THE SUSPENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE SUSPENSE!!!!!!!!!!!! *sits on ground rocking back and forth until Churchgirl comes back*

[churchgirl111]

Yeah more more!!! and readable !!! LOL



Chitana stared in astonishment. Kyoshen just glared. Then men, well the men, they smirked.

They were dressed in trenchcoats. The one on the right was wearing a white trenchcoat with blue lining and silver buttons. IT seemed to accent his blue spiky hair and the Blue handled katana he held. Oh and let's not forget his yellow eyes. He had the symbol of wolf tatooed on his right cheek in black.

The one in the middle held his black hilted katana lazily at his side. Wearing a bemused and bored look he gazed at them. His trenchcoat was black with silver lining and his silver hair was placed in a pony tail. His eyes shone light green with they symbol of wolf tatooed in dark blue on his forhead.

The one on the left kept his sword sheathed while leaning up against the wall of the worn down house behind him. He wore a red trenchcoat with beige lining beige lining. His black hair was short and his bangs came over his silver eyes. The symbol of wolf was tatooed in white on his left cheek.

"What is it you want?" Kyoshen demanded keeping his hand on the hilt of his sword.

The man in the middle cackled, "My my, paranoid aren't we? I suppose you have to be after spilling this young maidens clothes all over the street."

kyoshen felt a sudden hit to the head and fell to the ground while Chitana, roused in her anger again, was yelling at him.

All three men started chibi-laughing hysterically. Then as they saw Kyoshen raise himself up again trying to calm Chitana and sweat dropping alot, they regained their full height and previous faces.

"where were we," the man on the right mused, "oh yes, what do we want?"

"We want the girl to leave. Either that or kill her, doesn't matter to us." the man on the left smirked coldly.

"Oh and why is that?" Chitana glared.

The man in the middle ignored her question, "Leave or die." With this they turned and walked away. THe man on the left turned towards Chitana, "Take our advice:it is better to remain ignorant and live then to know the truth and suffer for it." He turned and faded into the shadows.

That's all for now!!! More very soon....^_^

[true_noir_chloe]

>>Chitana shook her head and sighed. As they stepped of the train, she was amazed at the regal and simplicity of the capital. It was open towards the sky and not confined, unlike her own England. England is like a cage, she thought, all buildings and no freedom.

This is actually a pretty good paragraph. And your writing got better after this paragraph. I think you have a great story idea. As I've said earlier, you have the creative mind of someone I think can become a really original writer. I hope you don't mind if I lend you a comment. I don't want to be mean, I just want to see you get better - and I know you will.

The dialogue is still a bit choppy. If you want to get even better I'd suggest the best book I've read on structuring dialogue. The writer used a great format, in dialogue, to help you - the student. I think I've seen it at the library, so I hope they have this at your library. It is, "Dialogue" by Lewis Turco. (Book titles are underlined; but, I just can't get it to work.) It is one of the Elements of Fiction Writing that WD Books puts out. At only a little over 100 pages it will give you a wealth of information. In fact, if any of the young writers here want to improve on their dialogue and making them flow and transition better I would suggest this book. A+ as far as instructive writing goes.

Other than that, I can't wait to read the rest of your story. It's definitely got my attention. ^_^

[Haibane Shadsie]

I think the anime elements like the going chibi and the sweat dropping are cute. They work better in an anime or in a manga/comic than they do in purely text, I think, though.

You mentioned that Kyoshen was a martial artist... out of the blue. Something about "Chitana looked over at this young martial artist." How do we know that he's a martial artist? Did he give any clues of this before? Is he dressed in the clothing of a martial artist and I just missed it? Did he make some sort of move specific to martial arts? We need some description here, prior to mentioning out of the blue that he is a martial artist.

In the descriptions of your wolf club people... I would start with the tattoos, as I would think that a tattoo on the face would be the most immediately noticible thing about them. Also wondering, about the guy with the white tattoo.. ARE there such things as white tattoos? I don't think I've ever seen one. I know that white ink is expensive in printing and rarely used, just because people usually use paper surface for white... I'm not sure how it works in the skin industry, though. Also... do we need to know certain details, such as the color of the linings on their coats? That seems unnecessary and a bit distracting from the story. (I'm sorry... my writer's club has just been getting on me about how I do similar in my stories... having unecessary details, and "do we NEED to know this?").

I am sorry if I seem harsh. Overall, it's making out to be a good story, you just need to work on some technical details in your writing. My writer's club has been the same with me, so... yeah, I am critiquing like they do. Just some constructive criticism, the type that I like to get on my stuff. ^_^.

[true_noir_chloe]

I agree with your comments and critique. The chibi remark bothered me too, but I didn't say anything. I know even manga publications don't want you to point that out.

However, I think the white ink is possible in her world that she's created. If she wants it she can have it.

That's my two cents added.

[churchgirl111]

thanks for the criticism! Domo!
I know i have a couple bugs to work out due to technical aspects and such...as far as the chibi is concerned...i do that only in this type of writing only because that when i am writing this i imagine it manga/anime style so that type of stuff tends to slip in...i would make this a manga but my art skills aren't up to par on it.....Gomen....i'm working on it....

[Danyasaur]

MORE MORE MORE!!. . . ^_^" *sry* I would critisize, but critisizem isn't my thing. ^_^

[churchgirl111]

i'm going to write more within the next few days...i have to get inspiration for it...and as far as the white tatoo...my stories are pure fiction in the most part...lol
guess these guys are rich...lol

[true_noir_chloe]

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm criticizing, I'm really trying to critique. If anything I say bothers you please tell me. I really don't mind.

However, I really want to watch you get better churchgirl, because you keep coming back. You keep writing something new and I think that shows that you really "want" to write. I'm so impressed with you. ^_^ I was the same way.

[Kesshin]

I just started reading your story, and I really love it. Your writing may have a few bugs, but I think the most important thing is that you are able to write a creative, entertaining story. (Besides, since I'm writing a story, myself, I don't think I should criticize other people's writing too harshly). Please write more!!!

[churchgirl111]

don't mind criticism it's how i get better...
it will be hard in the next couple days due to exams but i will try to write more later tonight!

[Kesshin]

I don't mean to rush you, but...
Please, please, please write more!!
As soon as you have some free time. Please!
So, no pressure.

[churchgirl111]

okay finally have some time..yeah!!

Chitana breathed a sigh of relief. After the meeting with the creepy three, she forced Kyoshen to go back and pick up every scrap of her belongings. After much goading from Kyoshen, she finally agreed to stay at his dojo* (school) as long as she was given space...A LOt of space. Grudgingly, he agreed.

Currently they were making their way through the crowded streets of Kyoto. Kyoshen was balancing her bags in his hands. He wore a blue kimono and haku* (spelling??) pants, common to martial artists and samurai alike. His katana swung by his side, haphazardly. The hilt caught the sun's shine like diamonds under a clear pond. Dragon's ran along the hilt as dangerous snakes.

Chitana drew her thoughts away from him to look at her new sorroundings. They were on the main road. More like a dirt strip then a road, she thought. It contained pot holes and puddle where the rain had filled. Shack houses and merchants lined the sheets. Men on bicycles periodically told her to move. The smell of fish, chicken and garlic permeated the air, accompianed by dirt, grime and the smells that occupied any city.

Her thoughts shifted to the mysterious men. Kyoshen said they were part of a group called the okami clan, the "wolf" clan. They were known as that due to somewhere on their body the symbol of wolf was tatooed.

What do they want with me?, Chitana thought, and how do they know that i'm searching for my family.

Her thoughts were interrupted by noticing that Kyoshen was yelling at someone.

"Well if you hadn't been in my way i wouldn't have dropped these packages!" Kyoshen yelled at a man who was on the ground in a mud puddle and apparently not happy.

"If you had been watching where you were going you wouldn't have dropped them!" the stranger yelled back.

Chitana gazed at the man as both boys exchanged threats and vows of murder. He wore a red scarf over his face concealing his mouth and part of his nose. His other clothes consisted of a blue shirt that was ripped and frayed right past the sholders with a red belt tied around his waist and slightly baggy blue pants, now covered in mud. As the stranger stood up to wipe off the mud, she noticed that the hilt of his sword had silver dragons snaking around it.

However before she could say something. A policemen showed up, yelling about the two men carrying swords and how it was against the law. Both immediately stopped yelling and ran out of there as fast as they could; The stranger grabbing her suitcases and Kyoshen dragging her behind. They didn't stop running until they approached a pair of gates. Kyoshen and the stranger were breathing hard checking their pulses.

"Whew! That was a close one, eh brother?" Kyoshen looked over to the man panting beside him. The stranger chuckled, "you said it baka."

Kyoshen stopped and looked at the man, "Roreki?" The man stopped, "Kyoshen?"
Both smiled and started hugging and laughing at each other. They started talking rapidly. Meanwhile, Chitana is standing there trying to make since of the whole situation.

"Hey i haven't seen you in so long. Come in to my dojo i'll make tea." Kyoshen grabbed Roreki's arm. "Excuse me," Chitana said. They are still talking. "Excuse me," she said a little hour. As they started walking into the gates, Chitana yelled, "EXCUSE ME!!" Both stopped and turned around fearing the wrath that was about to befall them.

Composing herself, Chitana continued more quieter, "Will someone please tell me whats going on?"

"Oh sorry," Kyoshen rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment, "Chitana this is my baka friend Roreki. Roreki my-" Before he could finish Roreki was already there introducing himself. "Let's go in." Kyoshen shook his head and grumbled as he showed them inside.

Once inside, cleaned and settled. Kyoshen had tea prepared by one of his students and after thanking the girl, told her they wished to be alone and undisturbed. After the girl left, Kyoshen imediately popped out with ,"Roreki we were warned to leave or die today by some of the okami clan. Know anything about it?"

"Wait why would he know anything about it?" Chitana glanced at Roreki, suddendly afraid. Roreki said nothing but started unrapping his scarf. On his right cheek in deep blue was the symbol of wolf.

Standing up, Chitana looked at Roreki in fear, "Your part of the okami?"

[Kesshin]

I'm so glad you're back, and writing, too. You get better with every installment. Keep it up. And merry Christmas!

[Razgriz]

Excellent, this is getting very good.

[Quiet Hood]

Hmm...Interesting.

[Icarus]

Nice. Oh, and about the white tattoo, I was reading a while back in a book on Japanese full body tats, that you can do it. It's like an invisible tattoo, that only shows up when you blush.

[churchgirl111]

hmm....maybe i should make that character blush more .....hehehehehe *scheming heheheeh mwahahahaha

[true_noir_chloe]

You might want to consider working on the Roreki and Kyoshen dialogue a little more. Otherwise, it's probably the best writing I've seen here for awhile. I feel upbeat when I read your story. You've got a great relationship developing between Kyoshen and Chitana.^_^ I'll look forward to where you go with this.

[Kesshin]

So, Churchgirl, when ya gonna write more? Please write more!! I can't wait to find out what happens next.