"Add water"

Postby **Michael** » Sat Dec 13, 2003 8:02 am

"No listen!-urh!-You don't understand-we don't want to die!-urgh!"
"Then you should've filled out all the proper forms at the office."
"We didn't even want to go into the office-we were just looking for a bathroom!"
Joe looked over at Seir, who was turning an unnatural-and unhealthy-shade of blue.
"No just-urh-listen,-urg-we wanted a bathroom."
The giant man eating reptile just looked at him in a disgusted and highly distainful sort of way. The tall blue skinned humanoid looked like Joe's mother-allbeit taller and much bluer-but that wasn't the sort of thing you wanted to see wilst being choked to death by a reptile.
"I just wanted to use the bathroom!(The reptile tightened its grip)-Urrggggg!"
The blue skinned humanoid stepped forward, said-"If you enter the tax office you must fill out all forms. With a planet this large, we can't afford any negligence."
Joe stared at her in disbelief. "Tax negligence! I'm being throtteld to death over tax negligence!?!? I don't even live here!"
The blue humanoid responded-"It's a big planet. No one will miss you."
Seir came around; "Could you stop choking me?"
The reptile looked down at him, said-"No."

Postby **true_noir_chloe** » Sat Dec 13, 2003 10:20 am

Can you tell us a little more about your story? I think it's some pretty funny dialogue. ^^

Postby **Mimichan** » Sat Dec 13, 2003 10:06 pm

Cool!! Will there be more?

Postby **Michael** » Sun Dec 14, 2003 11:38 am

Once I pull my head out of the ground, I'll start over. This is just a warm up, practicing my writing skills. It's been a while since I wrote anything decent.

Postby **Shao Feng-Li** » Sun Dec 14, 2003 12:01 pm

"The blue skinned humanoid stepped forward..." that was my idea...anyway i like your story!

Postby **churchgirl111** » Sun Dec 14, 2003 1:48 pm

i like it!!!
i think it's funny that during all this all the poor guys wanted to do was go to the bathroom lol
that and watch out for taxes lol

Postby **Michael** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 6:15 pm

<"The blue skinned humanoid stepped forward..." that was my idea...anyway i like your story!>

Sorry, I didn't know.

'Add water' Part 1: "To kill something that mocks inanely"
___________________________
The rain beat in staccoto on the roof while in the kitchen a man moved in a slow sixth-eighth. His body might have been moving in sixth-eight, but his heart was going cut-time in allegro. He was tall, with short black hair, a short nose and eyes the shade of blue that make you think he'll go for your neck.
He stepped forward.
The kitchen had a high celeing, but not much room for the elbows.
He stepped forward again.
The refrigerator lurked.
Some would debate wether a refrigerator could do that, but his did.
He hefted the large ax in his hand.
'This is stupid,' he thought, 'This is my fridge, I can do with it as I please.'
He took another step.
He screwed up his face in concentration, and lept at the door. He jerked it open and screamed. Several long tentacales reached out for him in an effort to get to know him better. He hacked at them, but they (Like the proverbial door-to-door salseman) wouldn't be dissauded.
He hacked and hacked. Finally he gave up the effort as a lost cause and slammed the door shut.
He slumped against it breathing heavely. He looked over at the cat and said; ''That's it, we're moving."
The cat looked at him, said; "Bout bloody time."

Postby **Razgriz** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 6:21 pm

Fascinating...I would like to know more.

To Write Love on Her Arms · Postby **ZiP** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 6:48 pm

eh- mike, no offense but i didnt understand a word of it.

Postby **Michael** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 7:10 pm

Well, here's a brief bio. BTW Sangoku, Dragonslayer is very cool.

________
Name: Hiram Dobbs
Age: 27
Height: 5'11''
Weight: 150 lb
Eye color: Blue
Hair '': Black, short
Occupation: None
Marital status: Unmarried, no spawn
Bio:
Colleged educated, but he'd say he didn't get much out of it. A little nervous at times, he's descended from Norse stock which accounts for his occasional breserker charge.
___
Name: Mannheim (He's a cat)
Age: 4
Fur color: Pepper, white, black and grey
Bio:
A cat with a british accent isn't anything new. A british cat on the other hand is very original. He's known Hiram since he was yeh-high. He's intelligent, savvy, vain, ego-tistical and a bad cook. The perfect cat. He spends his free time writing really horrible anime fan-fiction.

There'll be more characters as the story goes on.

Postby **true_noir_chloe** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 9:31 pm

LOL I love your comic voice. It's really good. I'd love to see this drawn, it does remind me a lot of Cowboy Bebop. Is that what inspired you?

Postby **Michael** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 1:02 pm

Sort of, at least the fridge bit, I really got most of it from Douglas Adams - while he was an atheist, he was one of the best comical writers ever.

Postby **Icarus** » Tue Dec 23, 2003 11:02 pm

I'm ashamed to say that I've never finished one of his books. I, too, would like to see more.

Postby **churchgirl111** » Wed Dec 24, 2003 10:44 am

More!!!!!more!!!!more!!! Domo Arigato!!

Postby ***Hope*** » Sun Dec 28, 2003 10:17 am

Nice writing! I want to read more!

Postby **Michael** » Wed Jan 07, 2004 4:46 pm

Chapter 2: Insert bad excuse for no original title
__________
Hiram sank to the floor. He felt as if his whole life had come crashing down around him. He'd lost the use of his fridge.
''Get a grip mate,'' said Mannheim, ''There'll be other refridgerators.''
''But I loved this one so much....'' Hiram sobbed.
''Alrigh', that's just sad.'' Mannheim got up and walked over to the laptop.
Hiram pulled himself together with an effort Hercules would have been proud of, ''How's your Eva fanfic coming?''
''Asuka's just conquered Texas.''
''Ah, and Shinji?''
''On a rampage in a Norwedgian convent.''
''Hmm, and dare I ask about Rei?''
Mannheim smiled. ''Forced into a humiliating life of prostitution, she's currently trapped under a bus with a large metal pole sticking through her tum and fifty pounds of C4 about to go off by her head.''
Hiram paused, knew he shouldn't ask but did anyway, ''Doesn't it seem like you......favor Asuka to much?''
Mannheim stopped typing and looked at Hiram with an expression akin to what Satan might wear if asked if he was evil. ''That is,''-said Mannheim slowly-''The most stupid thing I have ever heard you say, including your excuse for voting for Al Gore. OF COURSE I'M BIASED, I'M A FAN FIC AUTHOR. Fans want to see Vash go on a murder rampage! They want to see Spike alive again! They want to see characters doing stupid things so they can enjoy the show more! ''
Mannheim sighed heavely. Hiram was used to this. It just rolled off his back.
''Anyway, what's Texas called now?'' Asked Hiram.
''Texsukia. Do you think Wolfwood is gay?''
''No.''
''Right, 'Wolfwood looked up at Vash longingly......'.''

****************

Later that night after cat retired to bed and man curled up on the floor before the fire, something in the fridge moved.........

More later.

Postby **true_noir_chloe** » Wed Jan 07, 2004 9:19 pm

You've got something great going here. This is really funny. I love it. Please, keep going. :lol:

Postby **Razgriz** » Wed Jan 07, 2004 9:22 pm

Keep going with this, it's pretty good.

Postby **Michael** » Tue Jan 20, 2004 5:28 pm

Chapter 3: What comes from within
______________

Hiram twisted and turned in his sleeping bag. Why the freak did I let Mannheim have the bed he thought. Because he's a cat.
He sighed and rolled over to his right side so he was facing the fireplace. Just then he caught a glimpse of movement in his peripheral vision.
He froze.
Something was rustling.
The ax was 10 feet away, behind the chair that faced the TV.
He breathed. He got geared up.
He sprang.
The room was a big room, probably meant for large families rather than bachelors with talking cats that were fanfic writers.
The TV was opposite the kitchen door, and to its left were the stairs leading to the second floor.
Hiram hopped toward the chair, but he tripped and fell 3 feet short of it. The ax was on the other side.
He whipped his head around while groping blindly for it.
It was standing next to him.
He looked up at it. It looked dwon at him and spoke.
The voice wasn't a gutteral bark or Michael Jacksons, it was a deep American voice that sounded like he just been pulled from a bar and wanted to return as soon as possible.
It said, "Hi."
Hiram stared at it.
It said, "You're probably wondering why I'm drunk."
Hiram slowly uncurled himself from the bag, all the while keeping his eyes fixed on it.
It was a plant. A big one, with tendrales stretching all along its body. It's face was a daisy with big black eyes and a slash were its mouth should have been.
"Can I help you?" Hiram asked.
"You already have baby." It replied.
Hiram was getting confused, and when Hiram got confused he searched for the simplest way out. Usually this was to grab a big ax and chop the problem up. He didn't know why this was and why he kept 15 fireaxes around the house. Little did he know he related to the brave yet violent Vikings who would have wet themselves in joy to see what the modern firefighter toted around.
"Can I help you." He repeated hands edging toward the ax.
"No."
This voice issued not from the plant but the small angelic girl standing in the door to the kitchen.
Hiram started to grope frantically for the ax.
"I'm going to count to ten and then I'm going to kill you all." Mannheim had woken up.
"Oh I see you've brought guests in Hiram. Since this is your first offence, I'll just put my paw up your-"
"Cat," said the plant. "It is an unusually tall honor to floop you."
Hiram whipped around, grabbed the ax, raised it high over head.
"Put the it down!" The girl yelled.
Hiram obeyed. He looked again at the girl. She looked about eight and was dressed all in white, white jeans, white blouse, white shoes. She had hair so blond, it was almost white. He found his paternal instinct awakened and realized he'd go to hell and back for her.
"Where did you come from?" Hiram asked.
"Your fridge." the girl responded.

Postby **Michael** » Tue Jan 20, 2004 5:46 pm

"My fridge?" Hiram asked.
"Yes, your fridge." Said the girl.
"Shut up all of you. Let me twirl in nonsense." said plant.
Hiram felt the need to touch the problem. "Things can't just grow out of fridges."
"I'm your daughter!" Screamed the girl.
Hiram was taken aback. He'd never been married. He thought about blonde girlfriends. Nope, none. Girlfriends with light colored hair. None. Then he realized that he'd never had a girlfriend. He was a virgin.
But there had been a women....somewhere, sometime.....
He couldn't remember. Anyway, this wasn't his kid, although she did have a short nose and blue eyes.
"You're not my daughter." He smiled indulgentley at her. She was so cute.
"We share the same DNA!" She yelled at him.
"No we don't."
She smiled nastlily at him. "Angel food cake. Six months ago. You ate three bites and put it in the fridge. You left it there. I grew."
"Me too." Said the plant. "Me too. What a nice tree."
"What's wrong with him?" Hiram asked.
"He was a daisy you pulled out of the ground you butthole. You put him in the fridge. In a beer can. He was raised on Heinicken."
Hiram started to think about the ax again.

Postby **true_noir_chloe** » Tue Jan 20, 2004 6:28 pm

LOL Okay, I didn't understand this part. Was the plant talking first and then someone else spoke?

>>"Me too." Said the plant. "Me too. What a nice tree."

Also, is this the cat speaking here? You may need to let us know.

>>"He was a daisy you pulled out of the ground you butthole. You put him in the fridge. In a beer can. He was raised on Heinicken."

Other than that, this is so funny. I really like your story Michael and was happy to see you had written more. ^_^

Postby **Michael** » Tue Jan 20, 2004 6:56 pm

It was the plant both times. And the latter part is Angel (The little girl) explaining where the plant came from.

"Add water"

"Add water"

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