I'm writing a story, and I'm nervous.

[Kesshin]

Bunny, I just read your post. Lucas.... Hmm...
Lucas is a great name. I'm seriously considering it. Let's let Chloe or Icarus have a say first, though.

[Bunny]

... okie dokie

[true_noir_chloe]

I like Aaron, it means a "high mountain" and I'm thinking that works with the fact he's unreachable. It also is Hebrew.

I like Lucas, it means "light" in both Gaelic and Latin. However, I don't believe it would be appropriate for a dark-haired character. You would see this name with mainly blonde or light-haired characters. Only IMO.

I'll name some more in a sec.^^

[true_noir_chloe]

Reese means "ardent" in Welsh and I like this, but still I don't see a Reese, unless you really like the name.

Here's my suggestions:

Derek (German) - "ruler of the people" or "people's ruler"

Bertok or Bertram (Teutonic) - "shining raven" I like this one.

Barrett (German) - "mighty as a bear"

Kern or Kearne (Gaelic) - "little dark one" I like this one, too.

As you can see I'm choosing German names for your character. I think his name definitely needs a strong sound like a "k" or "t" at the end. But, that's just my suggestions. I know you'll pick the right name for your character. ^_^

[Icarus]

Damian swings. So does Lucas. I would say go with Damian, as you can't really shorten that without coming up with something offensive for a male, which could help to explain his grudge issues.

But, why were you waiting for my input? Chloe, I could understand, but me?

[Kesshin]

I waited for your reply, Icarus, because you're a loyal reader, and I always wait for my readers' okay before deciding on an important issue. Decisions, decisions! Auggh!! I'll make my decision shortly.

[Kesshin]

Okay, it's Damian, Kern, or Lucas.

[Kesshin]

Okay, I’ve decided on Kern. Thanks for all your help, everybody.
And, as usual, this story is copyrighted by Kesshin, 2003.
Right, here’s the fifth installment.

Installment V
Pen woke to the sound of her alarm clock. She had hit the snooze button several times already, and was about to do so again, when she noticed the time.
“Darn it!! I overslept!â€

[Lochaber Axe]

Right now I have little to say except keep it up and good job.

[Kesshin]

Thanks, Lochaber. And Icarus, sorry about the suspensful ending. I just couldn't help myself. But don't worry, I'll post more later.

[true_noir_chloe]

I like your story. I think you could have added a little more to make the scene more suspenseful. Do you read many crime novels or mysteries, where the PI or detective gets knocked out? James Patterson in Kiss the Girls wrote it really well. Using the metaphor of the cathode tube in a television set being turned off, he beautifully expressed the slowness of falling into unconsciousness. I've never read the book, but read that one section because I had heard he does build-up in suspense scenes very well. (I don't like reading that kind of stuff except for resource material.)

Now, I like how you're handling dialogue and you seem to really care about your characters. I really love that so much. Pen is such a neat character. I'd love for you to research her world a little more so that I could be drawn in, as the reader, a bit more.

>>Teri giggled meanly as Pen sat down.

I would change the word meanly, or at least the placement. You're describing how she giggled, so it should precede the action. Please, Lochabar correct me if I'm wrong. I get all mixed up on my grammar and I'm too lazy to go to my book shelf right now. However, I'll look into it and pm you with the rule if you like.

Kesshin, you are a talented young writer and I hope you don't mind my critiques. I really enjoy your story. It's different. ~-^ I love new and different ideas.

[Icarus]

And Icarus, sorry about the suspensful ending. I just couldn't help myself.

Don't worry about it, I was half-way kidding when I said that.


Have you ever read Robert Jordan? "Oh look. Rand is in the fight of his life and is about to recieve a mortal blow. Let's go see what Egwene is doing." 5 chapters on Egwene. "I wonder what Perrin is up to?" 5 on Perrin. "Mat, that old trouble maker, hasn't been seen for a while."

You get the picture. After about one hundred or more pages of Rand in suspense, you want to strangle *edited, as noone here wants to know what I think of Jordan at that point* For ten books, with a minimum of five hundred pages each, he has done this.

Anyway, this is no problem.

I really enjoy your story. It's different. ~-^ I love new and different ideas.

Ditto, and Kudos.

[Lochaber Axe]

Chloe, I am not an English teacher here, yeesh, I am not even having grammar now since I'm an upperclassman. Oh and I hate adverbs. Those always messed me up when it came to tests.

But yes, I would personally not used "Meanly". It has an amateurish feel to it, and there are more expressive words to take its place. Take for instant this example:

Amateurish:
Karen was steamed by Anne's response.

More professional:
Karen was exasperated by Anne's response.

Not an English teacher here, but willing to help.

[Kesshin]

I will, as soon as possible, go change "meanly". Sorry, you gotta keep in mind that I'm amateurish because I'm an amateur, and I often make mistakes. But I appreciate the constructive criticism. That's how you improve. ^^
There's a lot I can learn from you guys.

This story is copyrighted by Kesshin, 2003.
This will probably be the last installment till Christmas is over, so enjoy!

Installment VI
Her next conscious thought was ‘I’m moving. I’m not trying to move. Someone’s moving me. I’m being carried.’ Groggily she opened her eyes and looked up. Her gaze was met by a pair of brown eyes, steeped with concern. It took her a minute to realize to whom they belonged; she was so unused to seeing them worried.
“Kern?â€

[Lochaber Axe]

Heh heh, you taking that I'm not amateurish myself? I still have a whole lot to learn, and more experience in writing before I publish anything. All we ask is that you try your best, we don't expect perfection, for perfection is not even in our own stories. Now keep up the good work and there will be many waiting patiently after Christmas.

[Icarus]

Here, here

[true_noir_chloe]

I'm finally here and I can tell you... Woohoo, I like it! ^_^

I'll keep waiting for whatever you write.

[Kesshin]

Gee, *sobs happily* I'm so happy to have all your support! No one else besides my parents will spare my story a passing glance. It's great to have people read it. By the way, sorry it's taken so long to write this, I've been on the road visiting my grandmother over the holidays. But I'm back, so here's the next installment. (And it's a long one.)
This story is copyrighted by Kesshin, 2003.

Installment VII
In the next few days Pen talked with Kern constantly, and learned more about him than she had the entire time they’d been in school together. He was Kern Rodriguez, nephew of Sheila Rodriguez.
Sheila was the second most famous revolutionary in the Enslavement wars, Laowra Jarson’s best friend, and a member of the royal family of Mars. No wonder he didn’t want to get too friendly with any of the people at school. They would have been all over him.
Of course being a Rodriguez explained other things. Kern’s perpetual state of angriness was probably due to the fact that a good third of the Rodriguez clan had been killed in the Enslavement Wars. His own parents, in fact, had been some of the victims.
“After the war was over Tia Sheila and Tia Sharon found me and adopted me. They’re the only family I’ve got left. Except for the rest of the royal family back on Mars. But they’re traitors.â€

[Lochaber Axe]

Good... but something bothers me about it. Hmmm... I just don't know right now.

What one problem I do know is this one bit of dialogue:

“For the last time, you have to watch Pen. We’ll be back shortly.â€

[Icarus]

The above (Loch's post) is another reason that I don't count myself a writer. As always, I enjoy your story.

[Lochaber Axe]

The above (Loch's post) is another reason that I don't count myself a writer. As always, I enjoy your story.

And what is meant by that statement? Hummm?

[Retten]

Well I just read through the entire thing its really good I like it allot I cant wait to read what happens to Pen and the others very nice work keep it up.

[true_noir_chloe]

I love your story, but your last installment kind of felt rushed. I think once you go back and edit it will probably read better. It's just you fit a lot of information into a small section when I think it deserved more. I might pm you and we can talk about it. You've obviously got talent and something great going here, don't get me wrong.~-^

[Kesshin]

Yes, I admit I was a bit rushed when writing that installment. I really wanted to get to the good stuff. Sorry. Anyway,I will edit it, but it'd be great if you would pm me with some advice as to how to go about editing it. I'm always open to tips on how to get better. ^^
And to Lochaber, I'll fix that dialogue right away.
Oh, and I'll be posting my next installment tomorrow, everybody.

[Icarus]

And what is meant by that statement? Hummm?

Quite simply, I don't pay as much attention to what I read. The structure and the grammar of what is said does not register with me so much as the style, content and emotion. Can I go back and change that to "Why I'm not a proof reader?"

[Kesshin]

Sure, Icarus. It's okay if you're not a proof reader. You're more of an 'emotion reader'. So, instead of trying to critique my grammar problems, I'd love it if you'd critique the relationships in my story. You'd be really good at that.

[true_noir_chloe]

Give me a day and I'll pm you. ^_^ I just read Loch's earlier comments and he's right on the money. I love to hear Icarus' comments too, because he is a lover of the soul of writers. I'm being poetic. LOL ARGH! I forgot my coffee again. *mutters, walking out of the room* This will be the third time I need to warm it in the microwave - blast it all.

I'll await your next installment.~-^

[Kesshin]

Darn that cold coffee. ^^ I await your pm, Chloe. Whenever you have spare time. Here's the next installment, as promised.
This story is copyrighted by Kesshin, 2003.

Installment VIII
The girl ate like a starving wolf, with only the slightest hint of table manners.
Pen watched her, fascinated at the fact that someone could eat so fast.
“Err... you look like you were pretty hungry, huh?â€

[true_noir_chloe]

Regarding your sig, "Sweet Baby James" was written and recorded by James Taylor in the late 70s. Other than that, I just sent you a pm. ^_^

[Retten]

Good as aways I really like it! The only thing I would change is Ralda she lacks in the emtion department "Ralda slammed her fist onto the table, rattling the coffee cups" thats the only way I could tell that she didnt like the Mantle guy If it was me I would definetly think she was lying and it was all a show. Keep it up I cant wait for the next installment