She Spoke in Other's Songs

[chibiphonebooth]

this is my second short story for short story class. and creative writing. cause they both want me to write a short story. so.. im jsut using this for both. XD

yay for slacking!

tell me what you think, comments and critiques greatly welcomed!



She Spoke in Other’s Songs


Prologue

Her eyes shot open, streams of tears were rolling down her face. She instinctively scanned the room; her eyes darted back and forth from one corner to another. The room was shades of blue, dark blue, blue-grey, and light blue from where the lights outside illuminated. Finally- after a minute of realizing where she was, she closed her eyes tightly. The tears wouldn’t stop. She opened them again, and turned over onto her side. His face was delicately placed in front of hers- undisturbed from the horrors she had in her sleep. Gosh, what she would give to sleep like that. The tears still wouldn’t stop. She didn’t want to wake him; he looked so peaceful sleeping there. She eventually couldn’t take it anymore, and gently shook his shoulder.

“Hey… hey… you awake?â€

[Kaori]

Is Lillian Thurst the same person as the woman from the first half of the story?

The opening line definitely establishes tension (and attention) right away: from the beginning, your reader is going to be wondering why this character is crying. I'm not sure whether it is really necessary to repeat the statement "The tears still wouldn’t stop," but otherwise the paragraph makes an effective opening. I also liked the contrast in this line:

She closed her eyes, not ready to speak it yet with her mouth- although all her heart wanted to do was tell him.

The phrase "He attempted to break her spirit" seems that it might be a little too harsh for what you are trying to do. For me, at least, that phrase has quite strong negative connotations, and elsewhere in the first half of the story it seems like the character in question is simply trying his best to be a loving and supportive husband (assuming that that's what he is).

I like what you do with descriptions of light in the first half: they're simple, but the fact that you mention light and shadows multiple times gives the section a nice unity. The woman's orange eyes are a bit of a surprise, but that's okay, since we don't really know very much about the world the story is set in, so for there to be details that are different isn't unreasonable.

I also think that your description of Lillian in the first paragraph of the second section is effective]“Yes?â€

[chibiphonebooth]

Lillian Thurst is the person in the beginning.

no no, this is just the beginning.

but about the 20 yrs old thing, she WAS 20 when they put her at the head of the mission. shes not 20 anymore. XD

also, it will get more original as time goes on, i really strive to get away from cliches and stuff, but this is just the beginning.

thank you for your critiques!

[Anna Mae]

So what happened to her husband?

I have one grammar note. When he says, "And plus, its 2 am in the morning!" the 'its' should have an apostrophe.

Other than that, I really don't have much to add to what Kaori said.

[Kawaiikneko]

I loved the description throughout it so far. You portrayed the emotion at the beginning really well. ^^ I don't have much to add to everyone else's comments, but I'll be watching this.

[chibiphonebooth]

i have MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE but is at home. <.<

[mastersquirrel]

This is really cool. I'm really interested in reading the rest of this. Great job!