Before the Dawn - Fantasy

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

I've finally stopped procrastinating. There isn't much so far, but there will be a lot more later on.


Final novel will probably be PG-13 equivalent (M here) for violence, supernatural themes, drug references, adult themes


Before the Dawn - Chapter One "Idol Moments"

Riding bare-back is foolish at the best of times.
Even more so when the rider is unseasoned... and unconscious.
The young man, Luemas slumps against the horse, drifting in and out of conciousness. Its black mane snaps in the wind like angry vipers. Eyes red raw with fatigue. Hooves grind the ground with every contact. Desert dust and sweat cake both horse and rider. His leaded legs throb with every jolt. His body bounces around like a demonic jack-in-the-box. The ground churns beneath him. Just bracing the horse's sides with his thighs to stay on is a task in itself. But for the wind slashing at the pair and the thudding of the hooves, there is silence. Unearthly. Meditative. Serene and frightening all rolled into one.
Could this be eternity?...

Great pinnacles of rock rise either side; a red blur. His mount stumbles, the shock drives his heart faster, thundering away like a tribal drum. He hears the cart behind buckle and splitter. Sees its contents spewed upon the road.
Can't take this much longer. Got to get home. Already the horse regains its feet and gallops on. The damage is done. Luemas feels the horse slip away beneath him. Grips the sides with his hands. Digs in his heels. Almost there. The last reserve of energy seeps from his body.

[bigsleepj]

Woah, that's rather good writing; I'd like to see more. I especially liked the part that said:

Just bracing the horse's sides with his thighs to stay on is a task in itself. But for the wind slashing at the pair and the thudding of the hooves, there is silence. Unearthly. Meditative. Serene and frightening all rolled into one.

I really like that, but I have a few critiques.

Riding bare-back is foolish at the best of times.
Even more so when the rider is unseasoned... and unconscious

I think that these two sentances would work better at the end of a paragraph describing the scene. I assume your work is relatively 'serious' as opposed to a Terry Pratchett like fantasy that is meant to be humorous. I'm saying this because it sounds more humorous than serious, if you know what I mean.

Also, refering to him as a jack-in-the-box, despite being a good metaphor, might feel a bit out of place in a medieval-like fantasy. Just some thoughts. Sorry.

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

It's kind of a steampunk fantasy thriller. So the jack-in-the-box reference may work, I don't know. This work is going to be mostly serious, but with a little humour dappled here and there. The first two lines were meant to be a bit humourous but also show the plight he's in. (Need better way of wording it).

Thanks for the comments J!

[bigsleepj]

It's kind of a steampunk fantasy thriller. So the jack-in-the-box reference may work, I don't know.

Ah, yes, it might work then.

The first two lines were meant to be a bit humourous but also show the plight he's in.

Makes sense, but as I said it might be a beter at the end of a paragraph, because it might make the tone feel TOO humorous and that you might be setting the wrong tone at the start. But that's just a suggestion.

As for the new parts it starts well (I like the discriptions) but it gets a bit confused in the middle. Both of the new paragraphs really need some rewriting because I'm not sure if the horse or Luemas who is thinking at that stage, nor what is meant by "Sees its contents spewed upon the road." That said, the story has a good, adventurous opening. I'm looking forward to more.

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Okay, I'll make note of that. For now: tea time!
Thanks for your help J.

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Revised with added stuff. Man, I suck at dialogue and slow scenes! (lol)


Luemas slumps against the horse, drifting in and out of conciousness. Its flowing black mane snaps in the wind like angry vipers. Eyes red raw with fatigue. Hooves grind the ground with every contact. Desert dust and sweat cake both horse and rider. His leaded legs throb with every jolt. His body bounces around like a demonic jack-in-the-box. The ground churns beneath him. Just bracing the horse's sides with his thighs to stay on is a task in itself. But for the wind slashing at the pair and the thudding of the hooves, there is silence. Unearthly. Meditative. Serene and frightening all rolled into one.
Could this be eternity?...

Great pinnacles of rock rise either side; a flash of red. Navigating the canyons is no easy task. The horse stumbles, the shock drives Luemas' heart faster, thundering away like a tribal drum. He feels the backwards wrench, then light freedom as the cart behind breaks away. Hears the cart buckle and splinter. Turns and sees its contents spewed upon the road.

Already the horse regains its feet and gallops on. The damage is done. Luemas slaps the horses' flank in frustration. He's at his wits end. No. Turning back isn't an option. They could be on my tail. He feels the horse slip away beneath him. Grips the sides with both hands. Digs in his heels. Almost there. The last reserve of energy seeps from his body like blood from a wound. Thousands of images blur into one. The world turns black. His hands lose their hold, his head hangs limp. He falls. And hits the ground hard.

* * * *

Two farmers, a bearded man and a solid man watched the procession with growing interest. Both men had red leathery skin, blasted by many years working in the hot sun. These were the marks of a true farmer. They stopped threshing the fields of golden wheat and stared in amazement as Luemas galloped past.
The solid man stabbed his pitchfork into the soft earth, checked it for stability and turned to his companion. 'What?... Luemas has returned already?'
Mech nodded. 'Looks like it..'
'But his training at the Academy doesn't finish for another three weeks!'
'He didn't look in good shape. Maybe that has something to do with it?'
'Could be. Still he looks more like he's had a run in with some wolves than anything else.'
'Maybe, but let's stop gossiping and help the poor guy.'

[bigsleepj]

Man, I wish someone else would comment as well.

Man, I suck at dialogue...

That makes two of us. Mine feels so wooden I sometimes wonder if I shouldn't be a carpenter. If I was a carpenter...da-dum-da-dum. I'd make the loveliest end-tables.

Hmmmm. The world you're building (so far) much better and the dialogue of the plot also gives us more information on the characters. It is also more clear now that there was a cart attached to the horse and the explanation of the physics is also good. I have to say your good with your visualization. But two sentances...

Hears the cart buckle and splinter. Turns and sees its contents spewed upon the road.

...still feel a bit clumsy, I'm sorry to say. But they make more sense.

That's enough from me.

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Hey J, really appreciate it mate.


What about: He hears the cart buckle and splinter, turns to see its contents spewed upon the road.

[Esoteric]

It's an interesting start, and I like bigsleepJ's comments so far. About the farmers...it was a little hard to follow the timeline, since I think you skipped back in time to them watching before he falls...unless he got back on and this is later...it's unclear, especially since there's a jump in the scenery from steep canyons...to farmland.
One other note, if they did witness him fall off the horse at a gallop, I think they'd be a little more anxious to go help him...he could have serious injuries.
I do very much like your descriptive work though, it's quite good. As for dialogue, it is challenging. Just remember to keep any discussions moving in a logical manner, and have people talk just like they normally would.

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

In regards to the timeline shift - having the farmer witness Luemas before his fall, I wasn't sure how to go about it. I know it has to be smoothed out a little though. I don't like to bog the reader down with endless detail so that's why steep canyons thins out into farmland quickly. But that also needs work. I should have the farmers more anxious shouldn't I? They seem a bit wooden in their delivery. I'll have to improve it a lot in this area. Practise makes near perfect.
Thanks for the tips Esoteric!

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

I've rewritten some of it and added a lot more. Please enjoy!



Before the Dawn – Chapter One: Idol Moments

Luemas slumps against the horse, drifting in and out of conciousness. Its flowing black mane snaps in the wind like angry vipers. Eyes red raw with fatigue. Hooves grind the ground with every contact. Desert dust and sweat cake both horse and rider. His leaded legs throb with every jolt. His body bounces around like a demonic jack-in-the-box. The ground churns beneath him. Just bracing the horse's sides with his thighs to stay on is a task in itself. But for the wind slashing at the pair and the thudding of the hooves, there is silence.
Unearthly. Meditative. Serene and frightening all rolled into one.
Could this be eternity?...

Great pinnacles of rock rise either side; a flash of red. Navigating the canyons is no easy task. The horse stumbles, the shock drives Luemas' heart faster, thundering away like a tribal drum. He feels the backwards wrench, then light freedom as the cart behind breaks away. He hears the cart buckle and splinter, turns to see its contents spewed upon the road.

Already the horse regains its feet and gallops on. The damage is done. Luemas slaps the horses' flank in frustration. He's at his wits end. No. Turning back isn't an option. They could be on my tail. He feels the horse slip away beneath him. Grips the sides with both hands. Digs in his heels.
Almost there.

The rocky outcrops thin out into acres of glorious golden wheat fields. Two farmers stand in the fields furiously threshing the wheat. The solid man, Mek stabs his pitchfork into the soft earth, checks it for stability and nods to his bearded companion.
'Look who's 'ere.'
They stop and watch the procession with growing interest. Stare in amazement as Luemas gallops past.
'Old man Luemas is back? How did he survive the harsh deserts?'
'Ask him yourself.' Aeiden grins and lifts a darkened leathery hand to wipe the sweat from his forehead. 'When...no, ...if the horse slows down.'

The last energy reserve seeps from Luemas' body like blood from a wound. Two figures race by in a blur. Become one. The world turns black. His head hangs limp, his hands lose their hold. He falls. Hits the ground hard.


* * * *



'Holy Moses!' Aein gazed into the distance. Dropped his pitchfork in horror. Turned to Mek.
'He's hurt bad, real bad. Get the Healer and don't draw attention to yourself. I'll do what I can for him. Quickly now.' He scrambled after Luemas.
Mek didn't think twice. He ran for the village as fast as his legs would carry him. Huffed and puffed his way down the steep crater descent. Slowly now. Don't want to break your neck. Another voice. Pick up the pace man. Luemas needs help... and fast.

Struggling with his inner voices, Mek finally made it to the bottom in one piece. Before him wound the river Bridgewater, after which the village had been named. A red bridge crossed the river. He thumped across, his boots echoing on the wooden floorboards. The first hut he came to belonged to the Healer. Opening the door without knocking, he stormed in.

Ghed, a middle-aged man sat on a stool, hunched over a desk. He heard footsteps behind him. Threw his body over the desk to hide its contents. Glass bottles of all shapes and sizes flew off the desk, shattering on the dried mud floor below. He cursed. Yellow vinegar pooled at his feet. Herbs of all descriptions lay drowned in the potent liquid surfacing the floor. Caught red-handed.
He looked up, guilty, his face ashen with fear. Quickly turned tomato red with anger.
'Mek? Look what you made me do! I thought 'they' were onto me. You know herbal practises are forbidden.'
Mek looked about the room. Dry herbs were spread out before him. A small book with scribbled notes. An ink quill. His father had been busy. He groaned. Pity about the vinegary mess. He would clean it up later. His father would make sure of that.
He protested. 'Your the one who had the door unlocked.'
His father spluttered and then frowned. 'Haven't you heard of the routine: knock first, wait for confirmation and then enter? Didn't your mother teach you anything? And who's going to clean up this mess?'
'Never mind that dad,' said Mek. 'Scold me later. Something more important has come up.'
Ghed raised an eyebrow. 'Yes?'
'Luemas has fallen from his horse. He's badly injured.'
'Woah, slow down there boy. He was banished. Permanently. Our village isn't exactly going to welcome him with open arms. Are you sure it was him?'
'It was. We can do everything in our power to help him can't we?'

Ghed sighed and rummaged through the various herb samples left on his desk. 'Give me a moment to fetch my supplies.'
He poured the herbs into separate leather pouches about his waist. Grabbed a small flask of cordial and made for the door. Then paused and looked around the room for something. Mek stood in the doorway holding a bundle of cloth. Eagerly he waved it in the air. 'Looking for these?' he said.
Ghed stared him full in the face. 'I'm all set. Let's go.' He held his gaze, they were out the door.
Up the hill they trudged, huffing and puffing. Mek leading the way.

Aein crouched over Luemas by the roadside. His head was cradled in his arms. He looked up and saw Mek approach followed by Ghed.
'Mr Ghed, sir.'
'Aein, how's he doing?' The Healer acknowledged him and checked Leumas over. One eye closed over, face a bloody mess. Gray bruises covering his body. Left leg lay crushed beneath him. 'You haven't tried moving him, have you?'
'No? Good. This is serious. He could have internal bleeding.'
The colour drained from their faces. He pulled the golden flask from his pocket. 'Can't do much here, but this cordial should help dull the pain.'
He took Luemas' head in his arm and put the flask to his lips. 'Here's a herbal cordial of mine. Drink.' He stirred and after some coaxing managed to swallow some of the cold liquid.
'Good Luemas. Rest now,' he commanded. His eyes fell shut.

Ghed carefully pulled at Luemas' leg from under him. It was torn and bloody and lay at an unnatural angle. After tearing off his shirt he glanced up at Mek who handed him the cloth and waited anxiously. Ghed tore the cloth into several thin strips. He produced some herbs from one of the pouches about his waist, crushed them. He took some gauze from another pouch. Crushed the herbs into small fragments and sprinkled them into the gauze. Stirred the sticky paste through with his finger. Then carefully applied it to Luemas' wounds. He bound a large strip of cloth firmly around his chest, a strip for his head and arm and leg also.

He spoke to Aein and Mek. 'You boys get him back to the village as soon as possible. You hear me? I can treat him better back at camp. Meet me there.' Ghed looked at Mek. 'Think you can carry him back?' He eased Luemas over Mek's shoulder. Mek was crushed under the weight and for a moment floundered for some kind of balance. 'Careful,' warned the Healer. Mek, Aein and Ghed set off down the hill. It was slow going with the added weight of a full grown man swung over one shoulder. Especially one as fragile as Luemas.

[Esoteric]

Wow, he really was hurt bad! It's definitely getting better.

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Thanks Esoteric!

You may be interested to know that normally I write very fast paced and that previously this little exchange - instead of being 1,300+ words would have just been a long paragraph. But in order to have a novel at the end, I had to have slow moments. I'm not good at them but I hope I'm improving a bit. I'm not good at dialogue either, and so previously avoided it but I know it's essential and have tried to include more. Some would still call this story fast paced and it probably is. (I'm not good with length but I'm aiming for a novel of 80,000 words).


Here's a bit more:

A young woman clad in a simple handwoven dress met them at the bottom.
'Oh. This is not good,' groaned Mek. 'What's she doing here? How are we going to explain this?' Aein shuddered in agreement.
The woman strode towards them. 'Aein, Mek.'
'Afternoon Mara.'
'You're back early from the fields.'
'Yeah, harvest hasn't been great this year.'
She gestured at the body Mek carried. 'Who's that? Someone party to hard last night?' A chuckle.
'Something like that.' Mek's eyes darted to Aein. Help me. They kept on walking.
'Hold up.' She circled them and when she saw her husband she let out a gasp. Clamped a hand to her mouth. 'Oh my word. It's Luemas!' She stumbled back, overwhelmed by grief. Some seconds later she came at them. ' What happened to him? Is he alright?' She searched Mek's face for answers. Tears welled in her eyes and she turned away. Aein grimaced.

Inside the hut Mara tucked back the bed covers to reveal Luemas asleep in a stupor. She gazed on him fondly, sadness creeping into her voice. 'Dear Luemas, how did this happen? What are you running from?' She bent down and tenderly kissed his forehead. Sat by his bedside for a time. Head bowed and eyes closed. Clouds of vapour rose from a bowl beside his bed and permeated the room with a sweet richness. Luemas slept on.

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

He came to, a great throbbing sounding in his head and limbs. His good eye flashed open, his swollen eye struggled to do the same. Stared at the mud ceiling, walls. Home. The room was thick with steam. Slowly he lifted his head from the pillow and looked about the room. A simple bedside table and bowl of water with cured herbs. Why did his head ache so? Pressure on his head. He touched a hand to it and winced. Cloth. A bandage? Wha... Memories flooded back to him. Unadultered terror. Riding bareback through the desert pursued by someone, something. Then falling, always falling.

Pulling back the bedsheets, he twisted his body to climb out of bed. A punch in the gut, shallow breath. He traced a hand over his chest. Another bandage, soaked with blood. Aching ribs. He gritted his teeth. Dam horse! Should have it made into pet food. Still he was alive and home. He forced a smile. Home sweet home.

[Esoteric]

Action (fast paced) is always easier to write. It's making the slow stuff interesting that's hard, but you're off to a good start.

Oh, about making the horse into pet food...this society seems pretty dependant upon 'horse power', so I kinda doubted he would consider that option, even jokingly.

How old is Luemas? I keep going back and forth. First, he's at academy, so I'm thinking young, say anywhere between 16-20. Then, one of the farmer's refered to him as 'Old Man Luemas.' At that point I began to wonder, 40-50?
Then, we meet his wife, 'a young woman', so I'm now thinking 20-30. But do you see the potential confusion here?

Lastly, of all Luemas' injuries, his 'crushed' broken leg seemed the most serious after the fall. 'Tis rather strange then, that he didn't notice any pain from his leg when he tried to get out of bed.

But these are all just little indiscrepencies. Easily fixed. You do have me wondering,...what is he running from?

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Hi Esoteric,

The horse into petfood remark was a joke. I like it. Hmm...
Anyway, Luemas is 20 and his wife is 20. It's not your average Academy he came from. You'll find out soon. But not yet. 'The old man Luemas' was a term of endearment. Is there a better way to clarify that? I forgot about his crushed broken leg! Oops. I've included it in the next bit. Thanks for picking these things up.

Some more:




Waah! Waah! A small wail broke his thought pattern. What? Sounded like a... He dismissed the thought. No, it couldn't be. The cry came again. Luemas rose rose the bed. His arms swung by his sides, stiff as boards. His legs wobbled like jelly. Pain flared like wildfire up his left leg. He fell. Tried again. He clutched the door frame and peered around it.
Waah! Waah! The pattering of footsteps off to his right. The direction the cries came from. Carefully he half stumbled, half skidded down the hallway.
Louder and louder. Must be getting closer. His head crushed in around him. Make it stop. Please make it stop! Then silence. Did he imagine it all?

Standing in the doorway he saw a young woman rocking a baby in her arms, whispering words of comfort.
'Mara?' he rasped. His throat felt dry and his tongue thick as leather. 'Is that you?'
The woman glanced up from the baby. 'Luemas, your awake? You should be resting. Are you feeling any better?'
He gazed into her deep brown eyes. 'Apart from some aches and pains, I'm all good.' He grinned. It was good to be home. 'Who's the little one?' He pointed at the baby, an answer already forming in his mind.
Mara's face beamed. 'He's ours, Luemas. Ours. A blessing from Oujah.'
'Yours? Mine? Ours? Woah!' His head reeled from the excitement. He shook his head to think more clearly. 'Just give me a moment for all this to sink in. Woah! Amazing, phenomenal.' Beads of sweat poured from his head, stinging his wound. He was too excited to notice.
'Can I have a hold?'
'Think your up to it? Because if you drop him, there will be hell to play.'
Luemas flexed his arm muscles. 'Sure.' Mara handed him the baby. Gentle warmth flooded his body like a warm bath. He couldn't contain his excitement and kept on grinning.
'Hey little man, have you got a name?' The baby smiled back at him wide-eyed, innocently bubbling away at this new face. Pumping his little fists into the air in reply.
Mara spoke, 'How about Dexiz? It's a good name. Means 'humble leader' in the Old Tongue.'
'You like that Dexiz?' The baby wriggled in his arms. Luemas looked at Mara. 'Suits me just fine.'

[Esoteric]

Wow...Luemas had been gone a looooong time if he didn't know he had a child.

The horse into petfood remark was a joke. I like it. Hmm...

Perhaps I should elaborate on what I meant. By all means, add a joke about the horse. It's just the wording I didn't like I guess... 'pet food'. That's a pretty modern comodity and this seems more like a medieval farming community or something. Animals were used for work...not pets, and I doubt many people in the village have them, at least carnivorus ones. Now, you could say he should have sold him to the glue man, ...or maybe the butcher depending on the culture, but 'pet food' just seemed too luxurious for this society.

Is that clearer? I'm glad you're still pushing forward with this. Don't get discouraged, you're doing very well for normally only writing short stuff.

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Thanks Esoteric. Your a real trooper!
Petfood? Got you. I may change it to butcher meat or something.
Some more:


Minutes later baby Dexiz nodded off to sleep. Luemas lay him gently in his cot, stepped towards Mara and took her in his arms. She clung to Luemas like a mouse to a bit of cheese. Buried her head in his chest and let the beat of his heart soothe and drown her worries.
'Never leave me,' she pleaded, staring into his jayblue eyes.
'Never again.' Luemas hugged her tighter, then they passionately kissed and released.
'A lot has happened in these past few days.'
A smile played across his lips. 'No kidding.' Concern crossed his face. 'How long was I unconscious?'
'Four days.'
'Four days! What a waste. I should be outside helping people, creating new formulas, not lying in bed.'
'Shoosh.' She waved a finger. 'Don't you start with me. I sat by your bedside for four days. In silence. Changing your soiled bandages, hearing your tormented screams in your sleep. I thought you were going to die.' Tears stained her face. 'It wasn't pretty.'
'But I'm better now.'
'Yes, and that's something we can be thankful for.'

'Luemas, I want to ask you something.'
'Anything.'
'Four days ago you fell off a horse. Nothing strange about that except that you hate the creatures. Never learnt to ride them. What were you doing on one?'
His body tensed. His answer came slow. 'I don't want to have you worrying.'
'Luemas,' she looked into his eyes, jaw set. 'If we want to make this work, there needs to be honesty, and trust.'
'Fine.' He drew a deep breath and scratched his head in agitation. 'The Academy I was studying at was ambushed. It came as a shock. No warning. I heard the cries of men, the screams of death. They killed them all. I was the only one to escape. I was the lucky one.' He put a hand to his mouth to stifle a sob and continued.
'I never saw the creatures that attacked us. Too fast, too agile, too well trained. Assassins of some sort. But why us? What danger did we bring to them? I don't know. I ran to the stables and found one of my companions' horses tethered there. No saddles. Could be a problem. I swallowed my fear and rode away. I've never been so scared in my life!'
He paused. 'The ride was terrible. All bruised and battered. So high off the ground. And so fast. On top of all that some strange creatures trying to kill me. I'm surprised I didn't fall off earlier. Guess Jahra's hand was in there somewhere.'
His body shook with emotion.
Mara's face was pale with fear. 'I never realised. It's so good your back..'
Luemas stroked her head, bent down and kissed it. 'I don't want to return there again. Ever.'
'Now that you've healed up 'they' aren't going to let you stay.'
'How about if I ask real nice?'
Mara frowned. 'This isn't a game. Not going to work and you know it.'
He threw up his arms. 'The Law is ridiculous. You steal you get banished, fair enough. But **** it!' He pounded his fist, face tight with anger. 'I explore the sciences to help our people and learn new ways. And the people are all up in arms. Oh no, we have a sorcerer in our midst. I get banished. Not temporarily like the thieves and braggarts, but permanently. Is that what you call fair?'
Mara took his hands in hers and gently squeezed them.
'Our people are scared Luemas. That which they fear they condemn, without thought. You know that as well as I do.'
His chest rose and fell. Trying to keep his cool. 'This isn't fear Mara, this is paranoia. And that can lead people to do things they otherwise wouldn't.'
She patted his hand. 'We'll just have to keep an eye out then, won't we?'
'No heroics?'
She punched his arm and snorted with laughter. 'Can't even stay on a horse and your worried about heroics?'
Luemas smiled ruefully.

A knock at the door. Furtive glances.
Luemas winked at her. 'I'll be in the Shed if you need me.'
She stood there dumbfounded not knowing what to do next. He passed into the adjoining room and out the door opposite. The coast was clear.
'Who is it?' called Mara. She hoped the visitor didn't notice the slight tremor in her voice.
'It's me. Ghed, the Healer.'
'What do you want?'
'Nothing. Just doing the neighbourly round, checking up on you. Making sure your okay. With the new baby and your husband in a coma you need all the help you can get.'
'C'mon, the truth now.'
'Uh, yes. I heard some voices. Is there someone in there with you?'
She almost told him where to go, but bit her tongue in restraint. ' Just me and Dexiz.'
'Fine, fine. I've got some more herbs for Luemas.'
She hesitated hoping Luemas had escaped unnoticed. He wasn't stupid. But with that knock to the head...
'Are you going to let me in or am I going to have to stand out in the cold all night?'
Wouldn't be such a bad idea. She scolded herself for thinking such thoughts. Went to the door and opened it.

[Esoteric]

Hmmm, okay, this is a twist. Bannished? You need to hint at the bad blood between Luemas and the villagers sooner. From the way they talked about his time at the academy, and how they knew when he was supposed to be back, it sounded like they all expected him eagerly. And when he fell off the horse, everyone including Ghed were willingly helpful.
Now that Luemas is awake, all that has suddenly changed. They are now suspicous of Ghed, and he of them. It doesn't quite compute.
Traditionally, the punishment for someone who breaks bannishment, is death. In that light, I find it strange the villagers willingly help him. If Ghed (or anyone else) is going to help the bannished Luemas, there must be a strong reason, (such as believing the bannishment was wrong, or being childhood friends) It must be strong enough that they would risk their own safety if they were discovered helping him. And they would do it more secretly.

If you wish to leave things mostly as they are, perhaps this scenario would work better: The village was originally divided on the matter of Luemas' actions and he left of his own accord (to prevent a formal bannishment). Now that he is back, the contention is renewed.

I don't know where you're leading this story, or the details surrounding his troubles, but I like the fact he's not welcome 'at home', it keeps the reader's interest...out of the fire and into the frying pan, if you get me. But the motives and actions of the villagers need to be a bit more consistent.

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Uh, yes. Mek, Aeiden are good friends of Luemas and believe his banishment was unjust. Mara is his wife so she obviously believes the same and Ghed means well but he is a bitter man. How do you suggest I go about explaining it like that?

He wasn't banished to begin with but now that he is I'll have to get rid of/change some of the earlier dialogue. Not consistent otherwise. Thanks for the heads up. As the writer you are often so involved in the story it's hard to see some of the inconsisticies so I really appreciate your input.

EDIT: I've deleted and changed some stuff to foreshadow later events and to provide consistencies. They are in the first post at the top of this page (in bold). This improves it a lot.

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Ghed stepped in. 'Thank you Mara.' His voice wasn't unkind, just frustrated. 'After all I've done to help your husband why do you give me the cold shoulder?'
She shrugged. 'I'm sorry. Luemas has been gone so long. Soon as 'they' find him, their going to banish him again or worse, kill him. I don't want that.' Shivered. 'I thought you may have been one of them, come to collect him.'
He nodded in understanding, his mood softening. 'I see where your coming from. Better to be safe then sorry, yes?'
Ghed handed Mara a small leather pouch tied with string. 'Stir some of these herbs in hot water and give it to him 3 times daily. It will help the recovery process.'
'Thank you Ghed.' Mara grasped the herb pouch in one hand. 'We're in your debt.'
'Think nothing of it. But please. Next time you hear me knock, don't leave me in the freezing cold.'
She chuckled. Grabbed his arm as he turned to leave. Her voice took on a serious edge. 'Don't breathe a word to anyone about Luemas' recovery, please?' He nodded grimly. She released his arm and Ghed stepped out into the night, shutting the door behind him.
Mara shook with excitement. Their safety was hinged on one man. Could he be trusted to keep his word?


END OF CHAPTER ONE (Chapter 2 coming soon)

[Esoteric]

Okay! I like the added background on Ghed, very good, very insightful. The changes to the farmers' dialogue is good too. It doesn't take much, really. It's amazing what one little line like, "and don't draw attention to yourself" adds. Little hints like that in dialogue and actions will imply deeper things and lead the reader along as they slowly discover what's going on. After all, that's the fun part of reading most stories.

The only line I though was too heavy handed was...'Woah, slow down there boy. He was banished. Permanently. Our village isn't exactly going to welcome him with open arms. Are you sure it was him?' If he's banished, it's a given we won't be welcomed, so that doesn't need stating. And if you want to keep the reader guessing just a little longer, you wouldn't even have to mention at this point Luemas has been banished. Simply use a response like: "Woah slow down there boy, that's impossible," Ghed smirked, "unless he's is an even bigger fool than I figured him for. Are you sure it's him?" A line like this would clue the reader in that something is bad about Luemas coming back, without revealing everything upfront.

One final note. The very first part you wrote is in present tense. Everything since had been in past tense. When you finalize your draft, you'll want the tense to be consistent, but for now it doesn't matter too much.

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

I'll fix the heavy handed part. Thanks!

In regards the first bit, I realise it is in present tense but I thought that was allowed as it's a lead in into the novel and is seperated from the rest by a series of asterixs like so: * * *
Or is that still not allowed. I've heard all kinds of things from different people and I'm not sure which one's valid. Thanks again.

[Esoteric]

In regards the first bit, I realise it is in present tense but I thought that was allowed as it's a lead in into the novel and is seperated from the rest by a series of asterixs like so: * * *
Or is that still not allowed. I've heard all kinds of things from different people and I'm not sure which one's valid. Thanks again.

Hmm, well, I'm not an English expert, but I will say that in any art, (and writing certainly is one) you can break the rules. However, perhaps you've heard the artists saying, "you must know the rules before you can break them."

What this means is, there is an established way of doing things, and this 'way' hasn't been randomly chosen either, but has developed from generations previous artists because it's been proven. It works.. If you understand why things are done the way they are, then you can safely bend the rules to achieve a desired effect. In other words, you don't break rulesjust to break them, but because it will create that specifically desired effect.

Consistent tense is a rule (and perfect past tense is the most common/popular of all tenses). However, you may have some special reason for wanting the shift in tense. See if you can find some published books which change tense (I don't know of any), and see what sort of effect it creates for you as the reader. If you think it's a successful effect and it's what you want in your story, then use it, if not, don't.