Postby Anna Mae » Tue Jul 04, 2006 1:49 pm
Is this the entire story, or just the first chapter? Anyway, I hope that my suggestions are helpful.
He was in a hurry, he ran desperately through the crowded streets trying to get to the palace (I would separate this sentence into two.). This man’s name was Isac; he was in a desperate hurry to get to the castle to talk to the royal strategist in charge of all the royal (Try to use a different adjective the second time.)armies. Isac was a prophet; his Lord had just informed him that soon an army would be raised up against Israel.(You use the word 'he' a lot in this paragraph. Try to use other things like 'The young man' more.)
Unfortunately for young Isac the roads were deathly full, (You need a sentence break here.) he’d never make it to the palace in time. Suddenly Isac felt what seemed like a hand propelling him through the streets. When Isac finally came near to the palace his heart sunk, (New sentence.) there he was (I would change this 'was' to 'stood'.), almost there, and what was in his way? That ever-pessimistic palace guardsman that often caused trouble for the priests. (You use 'Isac' a lot in this paragraph. Try canging the middle one to 'he'.)
“Got some more ill news to retort from ‘Your Lord’ today do ya? Posh! Get out of here! Your mentality is to rigid and pious!â€
[SIZE="4"][color="DarkSlateBlue"]God has called me to mission work in Paraguay and Brazil. I may return to CAA someday. God bless all of you![/color][/SIZE]
[i]Two vast and trunk-less legs of stone stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand, half sunk, a shattered visage lies. Round the decay of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare the lone and level sands stretch far away. On the pedestal these words are inscribed:
“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!â€
