Tree House Guardian or Vampire hunter series???

[Red_web_city]

Heelllooo CAA I'm finally working on my writing skills to bring a 2 new stories called "Tree house Guardian" please check out my two projects on my link below. Thanks for your feedback on it.

Yozara's a blameless girl who discovers her calling as a vampyre hunter in Red web city. She soon learns that she has been blessed with a "Spirit Armor" that evolves every time she has endured her most toughest battles. She is accompanied by an elder who also has an armor that is in its seventh stage of evolution. He shows her that her new armor in its first stage is stronger than any hunters, and guides her along the way with a few agency hunters who scan the city to take down the thirteen clans.

Or

New Oak city is built around a great tree that reached the heavens, and when the city becomes corrupt with crime mysterious fiery arrows are shot down from the tree top striking the wicked as if there's a guardian who abides in it. When crime decreases the city becomes curious as to who or what is on that tree top so many rumors, and fables spread through out the city until one young lady meets the only person who reveals the truth about it to her.


https://www.evernote.com/pub/ralphgallo ... hGallozajr

[Davidizer13]

Somehow your writing's gotten worse since I last saw it. It's full of clumsy foreshadowing, grammatical mistakes that make it difficult to follow, spelling errors, boring hemming and hawing about who's more powerful, and it's lacking in anything that would cause an agent for a publisher to do anything about it besides throw it away.

I don't want to take this too far, but I believe that as a Christian, you've failed in your duties. Colossians 3:23 says that whatever we do, we should do it all as for the Lord, and as such, we need to do the best we can possibly do. Looking over what you've written, this is not even close to how good you could write if you were really serious about it. You've refused to take the time to improve your writing, and it's showing. You can do better - I know this, because anything's better than what you've got here.

And here I am to prove it - because you refuse to listen or do anything about it, this is the fifth or so time I've had to go through this thing with you and tell you where you're messing up. I feel like I'm wasting my time here, but here I go again. I'll just stick with Full Armor for now because you're so fixated on that one

Yozara's a blameless girl who discovers her calling as a vampyre hunter in Red web city. She soon learns that she has been blessed with a "Spirit Armor" that evolves every time she has endured her most toughest battles. She is accompanied by an elder who also has an armor that is in its seventh stage of evolution. He shows her that her new armor in its first stage is stronger than any hunters, and guides her along the way with a few agency hunters who scan the city to take down the thirteen clans.

You've pretty much spoiled the whole plot right there. Not that it wasn't super cliched and predictable already, but there's no surprises. You've laid it all out: a purely pure pure girl gets a magic armor, armor gets better, it turns out she's even better than everyone else, and beats up people in the streets. We're done here. (I'd suggest you also look up the concept of a Mary Sue character, a kind of character, usually female, that's so pure and wonderful and also the chosen one and is also really boring to read stories about because there's no suspense or character development to them. That's what Yozara is coming across to me as so far.)

With that out of the way, we've got our first real story paragraph! And it's certainly a paragraph. Two sentences in, and grammar and spelling have left the building. You say hundreds of people are dying to vampires or something - wouldn't that be a serious thing, even in a city of three and a half million? Someone's gotta notice, there's got to be more cops on the streets, people are scared to go out, that sort of thing.

A bone chilling breeze whispered "Death" as a trio of stalkers watched from the shadows of the districts rooftop.

This is a bad sentence and you should feel bad. You use awkward foreshadowing to tell us what you should be showing us in the story.

And eventually, you lose track of your verb tense, like last time I read this. You tell us twice that there's three people up to no good following the couple around. Once is fine, 'kay? And then you have another group of three that show up, and you fail to differentiate the two groups. Who's good, who's bad? Make that clear! Follow one at a time, hide one until it's ready to show up, anything but what you've done! (This is a common theme with your writing, where you choose the clumsiest possible way to say something.)

Cat scares are overused. That's a kids' show trick. Break your dialogue into its own paragraph, and by all that is holy, learn how to spell!

The end of the second paragraph is where the two trios meet, and things get messy. Two groups of strangers, neither one described or named, meet each other around a third. There has to be some way to differentiate them, I mean, who's Yozara? Is he/she a bad guy? A good guy? You haven't given us anything about them besides their name, so I have no idea what to think about them or what they're even doing there.

"Appearing handicapped," you say? Way to introduce your hero. Your hero's in armor, so if you're trying to make them look like they're not going to be a threat, say they're small, their armor looks doofy, something like that.

I could go on, but I'm not going through that. Point is, your writing's not any better than it was last time you posted here. Any agent you hand this to will throw it away before you ever get your franchise or your cartoon or whatever. You haven't read any books, I can tell. We just keep going over the same ground, again and again, because you refuse to take any effort to get better, and we will keep doing it until you realize how much you need to improve. We haven't gotten to that point, so we'll just stand here in an eternal stalemate, you writing awful stories, me telling you how bad they are, you ignoring any suggestions to improve them, and me getting driven a step closer to madness, ad infinitum.

Go read a book already. Read Dracula. Dracula is a good book that you should read. It's free, and you should probably start reading it now. Read it already.

[Red_web_city]

No I've been reading Bubble Gun comics, and my spelling looks fine to me. Anyway perhaps I should read more but I'd hate to sound like anyone else when I write. I developed my own style of writing, and if I can read it, and understand what I've wrote then It will be published.

[Davidizer13]

No I've been reading Bubble Gun comics, and my spelling looks fine to me. Anyway perhaps I should read more but I'd hate to sound like anyone else when I write. I developed my own style of writing, and if I can read it, and understand what I've wrote then It will be published.

Did they chisel you out of a block of osmium or something?

If you are as serious as I think you are about getting this published someone else is going to have to read your work, and they will have to be able to understand it without you guiding them through every word. You understand how you write perfectly well, but someone else likely won't, the way you write. There's a reason nobody else writes like you do, and that's because the way you write sucks. If you do get this on shelves (probably through black magic at this point) are you going to go to every person who buys it and explain the parts they can't understand because you misspelled every fifth word and your writing makes the plot impossible to follow?

See, this is why you need to stop writing and start reading. Because nobody else thinks the way you do and can fill the gaping holes you've left in your story. Learn from the masters or watch the editor eat your dream alive.

[goldenspines]

I don't even know, because I can't get the link to work. XD; I used the one in your sig to find your story, though.

Contrary to what Davidizer said, I think you have gotten a bit better grasp on how the English language works since your last story, but you're not quite there yet. You still have awkwardly worded sentences, and fragments galore. In order for a book to be easily read, it needs to have sentences that flow together and aren't choppy.
I didn't see where your spelling was criticized, so I don't know why you're worried. Your grammar needs a lot of work though. So, trot down to your local library and look in the 425 section of the Dewey Decimal System (or if your library uses the Library of Congress system, look in PE or PR sections) and find some good English grammar books.

Also, comic books aren't really good resources for writing unless you plan to write comic books. If so, you're missing a lot of pictures...
If you want to write a novel, know what novels look like! If you want to write a script, know what they look like!

But, you worry about copying another person's style or not being able to develop your own style? Well, have a seat and I'll tell you how to develop your own writing style AND not be terrible at writing to boot! Believe me, I have experience in this, since being a visual artist, I also have the same struggles.

Let's say you wanted to build a robot. How would you start? Let's also assume you want a robot to not look like anyone else's. This will be your robot and it will be awesome.
So, what's the first step? Assuming you have all the parts that make up a robot (in the case of writing, all the "parts" would be stuff like a plot, words, characters, proper grammar, spelling etc.), you're set to go, right? Wrong.
Problem is, you've only seen one picture of a robot in your whole life, and that robot was only one type of robot and you don't want to build your's like that. But that's all you have to go on for now, so what will happen if you try to build your robot only from a picture without knowing any of the mechanics of how it works inside, etc.?

If you're good, you will probably end up with something that resembles a robot on the outside, but is total shambles inside. This is what your writing is now. You can pretty it up all you like on the outside, but if you don't know the mechanics, it won't be able to go anywhere (or if you get lucky, it will be able to walk, but only stumbling along while other robots race past it).

This is why you are supposed to read books. How on earth would you expect to know what makes good writing if you've never seen any good writing? Or, rather, you have seen comics, which is only one type of writing. You can't make something great and your own with such limited knowledge, though.

There is an old saying in the artistic community that says, "You can't break the rules until you know how to follow them." Which makes sense, because gosh, how will you know what to break if you don't even know the rules in the first place?

Back to mechanics, though. Do you know how the vacuum was invented? It was a guy who was tired of beating the dust out of rugs every night at his job in a department store (plus he had asthma too. XD) he took a ceiling fan motor and a pillow case along with the tool he was using to beat the dust from the rugs and viola, made the first stupid looking vacuum (he later perfected it, obviously, but it was a great first step)! He didn't make something out of nothing (he had to know how a fan motor worked and what could be used as a proper bag, a pillow case), but it was still an original invention. There was nothing like it before that.
Moral of the story? Find what works in mechanics of writing through reading various novels/plays/short stories/etc. and make use of those things. Don't copy someone, but be inspired by them.

Now go read and have adventures in books and stuff. There was some whimsical saying I read once that said, "A normal person only lives one life in their lifetime, but an avid reader can live up to a thousand lives." Through books, presumably. But who knows, reading books may give you more lives. O:

Best of luck.


TL;DR Go read or else your robot will be a pile of junk forever.

[Ante Bellum]

Just read through the tree story, so I'll be posting a response later.

[Red_web_city]

Wow Golden Spine, indeed you've shown the patience and love of Christ in that you took the time to correct me in a way that edified me so that I could self examine my work. I will read novels , and will come back to my projects when I have the rules, and know + understand how the robot works inide. God bless, and ty for your time Ante Bellum.

[Davidizer13]

Wow Golden Spine, indeed you've shown the patience and love of Christ in that you took the time to correct me in a way that edified me so that I could self examine my work. I will read novels , and will come back to my projects when I have the rules, and know + understand how the robot works inide. God bless

Glad to hear it! If I may, I'd again suggest reading Dracula, since you're writing a vampire story. It's one of the first and is still a really fun read; instead of being told through a narrator or a single character, it's written as a series of diary entries and letters written by the different characters involved. Mark Twain and Alexandre Dumas both wrote great adventures, so check them out too! Just hit up your library - if a book was able to get in the library, you can reasonably expect that it's of some quality. The librarians will be glad to help you find something you'll like, too.

[Red_web_city]

Thanks for the advice but I'd rather read something I would be more interested in like the hobbit or a light novel...know where I can download any free light novels?

[FllMtl Novelist]

Thanks for the advice but I'd rather read something I would be more interested in like the hobbit or a light novel...

There is nothing wrong with having those preferences, but if you aren't interested in reading the most classic-y classic vampire novel, don't write about vampires. Write about what you like to read (which can be anything from dragons to serial killers bleeding virgins!), because if you don't,

A) you'll repeat someone else's failure (or make a lame copy of someone else's success),
B) you're a hypocrite ("People should be excited to read about x even though I don't care about x"),
and C) you'll have missed out on writing whatever you care about the most. When you write what you genuinely like to read, you will be at your most passionate, knowledgeable, and general best.

So read some stuff and then figure out what you want to write. Your right brain will wait patiently.

[Red_web_city]

True, thanx.

[Lynna]

No I've been reading Bubble Gun comics, and my spelling looks fine to me. Anyway perhaps I should read more but I'd hate to sound like anyone else when I write. I developed my own style of writing, and if I can read it, and understand what I've wrote then It will be published.

If you keep thinking that reading and understanding what you've written will get you published, then you never will be. Loads of people can do that.

Also, if you obviously don't enjoy reading anything but light novels (you usually can't legally download them for free, as they're protected by copyright law) then why are you even writing?

[Lynna]

[Accidental double post]

[Davidizer13]

Thanks for the advice but I'd rather read something I would be more interested in like the hobbit or a light novel...

See, this is why you need to go to your local library. The people working there will be more than happy to suggest something similar to what you like. They know good books, in every conceivable genre, and they'll probably have whatever they suggest on the shelf, ready for you to take home and read, at your leisure, for free. They'll probably even have programs or meet-ups for aspiring writers! Only good can come out of a trip to the library, trust me.

[Ante Bellum]

Okay, before anything else:


If you're going to write something, then you're going to need to know HOW to write something. How do you expect people to get excited about your writing (spoiler: they're not, they never will be, stop acting like they will unless you make a complete 180 and start producing quality work) if the WRITER doesn't even care about the genre? If I went about writing a science fiction story but only read supernatural romance, how would I know what good science fiction is? I want an actual answer to this.
And stop with the light novels. You don't write light novels (never mind that you're not publishing them in Japan). You don't even write NOVEL novels. If you'd actually put some effort into writing, you'd possibly get to novel length. As it is, though, even your longest story is shorter than a children's chapter book. No, what you're doing now is not effort. If there were any signs of effort, significant effort, I wouldn't be writing this right now.

Anyway, onto the tree story.
The very first thing that jumped out was how you, as usual, explained nothing. There's only so much hand-waving an author can do, and this story has too much of it. It might not be as much of a problem if you didn't absolutely infodump everything. However, by doing this, you're pretty much sharing everything you've got. It's not enough. This information should largely be integrated into the story, not dropped in the first paragraph and left unexplained.
First off, the tree. You said the tree was at least four times the size of the largest building. Seeing as this story uses modern technology, I'm going to go by modern building sizes. The current tallest building, the Burj Khalifa, is 2,722 feet tall. If that's, at most, a quarter the height of this tree, it would be two miles high. If your drawing is anything to go by, it's even taller than that. So, where did it come from? The tallest tree is a mere 379 feet, no more than 3.6% the height of this tree. Is it magic? If it's inspiring enough to build an entire city around it, it's one of a kind (unless similar trees grow in such remote locations that nobody has found them). For that matter, why ring the city around the tree? It would be an inconvenience at best, but I can see how it would cause several issues. Navigating the city would take much more time without the ability to take a more or less straight path to one's location. Emergency response would be delayed, if not outright stopped. Also, in a city this size, traffic would be a massive problem. Smaller cities without a huge central gap in their road network have awful congestion. Specifically, Brussels. There are 1.8 million people in its metropolitan area and it has been ranked the worst city in the world for traffic. Imagine if most of those roads disappeared. Not such a good idea, now is it? And what about this tunnel? Is it a natural tunnel? An artificial tunnel dug by humans or animals? A magic tunnel? Moving on.
Next, the explosion in crime. Who's doing it? Outsiders? What KIND of outsiders? Why would they move into the city? Why would they go to a city just to commit violent crimes? How would a city of millions not be able to defend against them? How long did it take for the increase in crime to happen? How quickly did it escalate? I know almost nothing about it. Why wouldn't the citizens be constantly paranoid, if it's so bad? Why wouldn't there be an abundance of guards and officers, surveillance equipment, and strict policies set in place to monitor suspicious activity? For a city with a big crime problem, nothing shows it. It took flaming arrows, giant pine cones (which, by the way, would probably not come out of that tree, as it's not a conifer), and foot long insects to stop it. The collateral damage would be significant, and I'm sure most people, criminal or not, would be afraid when their home could be crushed or burned by objects falling from the tree at any time or when giant insects swarm the city. Enough to cause them to move out or, worse yet, react violently. This city should be in shambles by now, both in terms of infrastructure and buildings AND public morale. There should have been investigations. Again, modern technology. If a tree seemed to be sentient, you better be sure there'd be scientists flocking to study it.
Also, you seem to have some fixation on blood. Glowing, spiritual virgin blood? Blood crying for revenge? You know blood can't actually do any of that, right?
And speaking of the tree, you said only one person is doing all this. Just one. And he lives so high up, he shouldn't reasonably be able to even see what's happening in the city, telescope or not, much less take as much action as he has. And who built the house? Is it carved into the tree? How would they get the materials up there? How long has it been there? What does it look like? It's a vague description at best, not even enough to give me a mental image. There are weapons and strange tools there. Why? Is there some history behind them? Why does he have them? How does he eat? Does he have a magic garden which produces enough for him to eat? What about waste disposal? Heating? Unless he has some complex system within the tree, he's going to have a very hard time. Again, this could be integrated into the story, but have you even considered any of these questions? Or is everything you know about it already stated? For that matter, are you even reading this? You have a clear history of, well, not reading what help people have tried to give you. You want to change my mind about that, then you start giving me answers. Full answers. But whatever.
As for the guy living in the tree, is he a mystic? He seems to have some special power, but what's the deal with the dream? It's bad enough when authors use the "visions of ONE TROO LUB" to try to advance the story. You're treating the woman as an object. You treat ALL your women as objects. Do you understand AT ALL how awful that is? They never get descriptions beyond "beautiful," as though their entire worth balances on whether or not they look good. And this girl is just an object for the guy, Node or whatever, to pursue. And as predictable as your stories are, I have no doubt he'll get her in the end. Bad writing, man. But I'm not really surprised.
Back to the tree house thing. Again, Node seems to have some power. He's got large automatons and some command over insects. Why? Did he train for this, or just inherit it, or is he incredibly old and had always lived in the tree? He's got some connection for sure, what with the shared marking. Also, if people recognize the marking, they'd have seen the house. It shouldn't be a mystery as to where the insects and arrows came from. How would he suddenly appear in a crowded park without being noticed? Also, following a girl while acting suspicious (hood up and hands shoved in pockets, and you outright said it appeared as though he were hiding something) is not a good thing. The conversation is awkward and feels forced. How WOULD someone not know about the tree, if it were such a big deal? And speaking the line "if only they knew" is so overused that I can't take it seriously. Also, why do people think it's a good idea to say this out loud? It's one thing to think it and an entirely different thing to say it, even if it's muttered.

[Ante Bellum]

PART TWO, BECAUSE IT HIT THE WORD LIMIT ON THE FIRST POST

Before I forget, I'm going to stop to discuss word usage here. You use "replied" and "asked" too much as the speaking verbs. This is bad writing, as it's repetitive and doesn't flow well when used so many times in a short time. You should also learn to use line breaks, as that also helps flow.
Back to the story. As far as OTHER overused points, the "accidental" revelation of his mark. Again, it feels forced. No, it IS forced. Also Eragon.
Does Node not know when to shut up? If he's going to say something so secret to the woman, he shouldn't do it in a public place within earshot of other people. How would you, even for an instant, think this is fine? Ella believes him too quickly, too. I'd be incredibly skeptical if someone told me that, glowing palm or not. Forced, forced conversation. It's awful. People don't talk like that. And hah, he actually expected her to accept his marriage proposal? Every action he takes makes him seem more incompetent. "College for art and design" is too wordy and almost redundant. "Art college" would be enough.
And there we have it. The real reason he wants here: breeding. He only wants her to produce a child for him. How incredibly sexist, and you're acting like this isn't a bad thing? He's not at all a sympathetic hero. He's an overdramatic, sexist loser (also, you're sexist) and you're still treating him like the hero. He also comes off as whiny.
So there was a crowd in the gallery, one large enough for him to disappear in a second. And he didn't think anybody would hear him talking. You really didn't think this through, did you?
So her parents suddenly die, just like that. The murderers didn't even have a motive, it looks like. They just killed them and left without raiding the house or even the bodies. Unless Ella's parents were involved in the mob, it's too random to be believable, especially with the timing. And why only kill the parents, not anybody else in the house? I also suggest you research how guns work and the effects of bullet wounds. Also, how could she both hold her parents and stand in front of them, not to mention cradle them in her arms while dialing the phone? So her parents die. That would probably leave her as the heir, seeing as she's an adult. That would mean lots of legal work to do, not to mention funeral arrangements. She wouldn't have time to disappear for weeks without a search party being formed. Not that it should take weeks for that to happen anyway. She should be gone for a few days at the maximum before people become concerned. And why would she have a reason to go after two masked, seemingly random gunmen? There are three million people in the city and who knows how many vehicles. Tracking them down would be difficult enough for the police, almost impossible for her.
Once again, why is this tree not already being constantly monitored by scientists? The first sign of abnormal activity should cause a stir. Nope, I guess not, just the news talks about it. Why would there be a trumpet sound? And from within the ground? It almost stands out as something that doesn't make sense. The world itself already doesn't make sense, and this is even worse.
Okay, so why is Node in deep sleep? How is he linked to the tree? You keep expecting the reader to understand because YOU know what you're writing. As stated above, we don't. To an outsider, it's a jumbled mess that's not even worth reading. Anyway, this prophetic dream deal is really bothersome. It's like a cheap way to make Node do something. He's not an active character at all, he's reactive. He doesn't initiate things, he only reacts. It took him how long to respond to the crime in the city. He only went down to find a mate (sexist) because a dream told him to. When Ella rejects him, as she very well should have, he gives up. He doesn't go and find somebody else who is actually willing to bear his child. No, he just drops the ring and crashes into slumber. He only wakes up again after plot advancement nightmare (if it could even count as advancing the plot, considering how there is pretty much no plot anyway) shows him something to react to. He's just waiting around for something to happen instead of being proactive.
So finally someone reacts how I would to a giant insect. Too bad it's already been established that they're considered a positive force and something that people respect. A little consistency would be nice.
Another thing I'd like to bring up: scale. Do you know how long it would take even a giant insect to crawl down a two mile tree? That's assuming Node could even hang on properly, considering it's an almost straight vertical descent. I'd say he couldn't. He doesn't even appear to have a saddle. Unless he's using his tree magic to adhere to the insect, he's going to have a long, long fall.
Hoods don't obscure that much. Unless impractical oversized Assassin's Creed hoods are all the rage (really, it would obscure one's vision too much), hoods wouldn't be enough to hide anyone's face. And I have a hard time believing Ella would just coincidentally be there.
I already said enough about how people should already know what's in the tree. I'm just going to play along with them not knowing. They accept this information too readily. People don't just believe something because it happens to be true. Would you trust a guy riding a giant insect? The crowds should be panicking.
Aw, so she kept the ring. What a useless trinket, she should have pawned it for money. Unless she had a lot of cash on her, she shouldn't have been able to disappear completely for several weeks. Her name would be on checks and cards, and I would assume the news would get out about her disappearance. Also, tossing the ring is a cliche. And for someone in enough emotional distress to actually go into hiding, Ella seems quite well. Also, Node is useless and Ella should be upset that it took the "avenger" several weeks to decide to track down the murderers. By the way, how would he know exactly who they are? There are three million people in the city, and unless he has a huge capacity for memorization, he couldn't be able to remember who or where they are.
So why is the power out? There's no explanation for this either. And stick bugs are thin, dainty creatures. Giant or not, it wouldn't be enough to make the ground rumble.
Why were the murderers just waiting in a warehouse? There's no reason for them to be there. Bullets should be more than enough to wound an insect. Making it invulnerable to bullets (and making all the bullets miss Node) just feels like godmoding. It shouldn't occur to them that maybe killing the rider would be a good idea after they waste ammo on the insect. I'd say Node would be the immediate target. And magical godmode force field, of course. These villains, as much as they can be called villains after considering just how little involvement they had in the story, are nonthreatening and there is absolutely no suspense. Of course Node is going to win without getting shot, and that's boring.

So anyway, that's as much as you have for the story, so I'm going to stop here. I hope you're aware that what I just wrote is literally longer than your story, and that's a really, really bad sign.

As far as the art, well...it's about as good as the story. That is to say, your drawing of, I assume, Node is completely bland and looks like every other character you've drawn. There's also that obnoxiously bright bodysuit and oddly shaped padding, which doesn't fit into the setting at all. It was bad enough when you used the look for Full Armor 7, but at least most of those characters were futuristic androids (and token gynoid) and it could be passed off as future aesthetics. Here, it's more of an urban fantasy setting...I guess. It doesn't come off as futuristic at all, and Node is more of a nature guy anyway, so why would he be wearing a one piece bodysuit like that? For the tree picture, well, that throws the scale even more. The city also looks like nothing more than an afterthought, which is basically how it is in the story so I guess that's accurate or something.

The new and even more confusing addition to Full Armor 7 was already tackled, so I'm probably not going to bother unless I get incredibly bored.

[Red_web_city]

Ok Ante ty, I brushed up on it... here's the Vampire hunters chapter 1
Chapter 1.0


Red web city: With a bee hive night life of corner to corner night clubs, and drunken carousing; this high tech city of tomarrow had a population of 3.5 million citizens, and is decreasing every full moon night. The harvest moon illuminates the pulsating night as the streets glistened from a passing mist. A bone chilling breeze whispered Death, as a trio of stalkers watched from the shadows of the districts rooftop. Drunken laughter echoed through out a near by dark alley, and two voices were slurring as a car alarm chirped. Security system deactivated. The three shadows descended by the fires cape in this alley, and crept around a young intoxicated couple coming from out of the night club. As the car door's opened "Hissss"!! warned a cat. A near by trash can rattled. An alarming presence felt. "Honey did you hear that"?, the woman nervously asked. " ahh, it's just a cat babe. No worries", her partner replied. "No, I heard a whisper", she informed. As he continued to open the passenger door for her, the presence of three strangers surprisingly stood before them.
"It looks like we have an easy meal tonight boys", the leading stranger Oglar said. Stepping up closer towards the cars flood lights, his wide smile revealed his sharp fangs. Oglar: a slender crimson clothed general with studded white armor walked before his muscle, Megron, and Otek. "Hun! Run back to the club !", the man shouted as he pulled out a hand gun. "You ought to know, I'm an off duty Red web officer", he informed the three. As the woman tried to run back, one of her high heels snapped off. A fourth presence suddenly spoke from the firescape above alarming the vampires. "You ought to know, that gun can't harm them", the voice informed the cornered officer. Startled by the voice, the trio jumped back as if preparing to strike. The stranger above spoke again, but this time with someone who was with him. A fifth presence. "Ok Yozara, these are your first, So I'll let you handle them to test your new armor", he said.
At that very moment, A slim young lady leaped down from the shadowy firescape, and stood before the three vampires as if to defend the officer. Weaponless, she had a bionic arm wearing metallic red leg guards. "Most certainly Elder", Yozara responded. She stood positioned in a strange fighting stance before vampires twice her size. Hyenas laughter echoed through the alley from the three. The smirking lead vampire Oglar stepped forth. "Are you joking? You call this a... hunter?", he ridiculed. He turned his back towards her shaking his head. Yozara then rapidly placed her right palm on her chest. looking up towards the clouds, she took a deep breath. " I put on my Full Armor! to fight the good fight for the light!", she cried out. Suddenly, rumbling skies appeared to open up like a portal. Her entire body transfigured, illuminating with flashes like lightning. Beems of light rapidly shot down, and she was embraced from head to foot with a white shining sleek armor. She cried out again for the second time. This time with a trumpeting voice, as if her vocals had been amplified. "No meal tonight boys", she said, gesturing a "NO" as she wagged her finger. The vampires looked at one another shocked in surprise. They begin to align side by side, as if to strike. Dropping his gun, the officer also stood in shock with his mouth open speechless. "Megron! Otek! take this rookie down!", Oglar commanded. Pouncing towards her, they missed; for she leaped straight up into the air, disappearing into the clouds. "Huh? Where'd the new little school girl go?", the vampire Megron asked. "She's faster than I anticipated", Otek commented. In an instant, the sounds of thundering chains filled the small alley, and suddenly both building exploded as if struck by lightning. A pair of invisible ankors were revealed, plugged into the walls. Yozara swung back down on both chains which were linked to her back armor. She swooped down rapidly snatching Otek like a eagle, lifting him back into the air, where she hid again. "She's trying to pick us off one by one", Oglar informed. A small fiery object was hurled from above where she hid. When it crashed to the ground, it rolled out of the shadows revealing it to be Oteks decapitated head engulfed in flames. " Oh this **** has some tricks up her sleave, huh?", Oglar commented. Chains rattled once more. Oglar stood back to back with Megron preparing for her second swing. Like a gymnist she swung down once more, This time she spun her body like a wheel descending even faster than before. As she reached ground level to attack, Megron intercepted it with a quarterback tackle, slamming her through the night clubs brick wall. Yozara flipped back on her feet while shaking off the debris, and found herself In the middle of a crowded dance floor. The hardcore techno/ Industrial song dropped its thumping beat as she got back into her fighting stance. Megron runs back out to the alley through the hole in the wall.
Cyber punk ravers stepped aside as the club security guards springed into action to investigate. Yozara ran out after Megron, and heard the elders voice from above shouting to her from the fires cape. "Yozara! there's too many witnesses. Let's hurry this up!", the elder commanded. The elder leaped down, showing himself to the two fleeing vampires. A stocky white haired old man stood mighty before them with two swords holstered on his back. They trembled backing away from his presence. "The elder!", the Oglar shouted in fear as if he recognized this experianced hunter. Oglar leaped up the firescape, back towards the roof top to flee. The elder whistled loudly towards his apprentice. "Don't let them escape Yozara"!, the elder commanded. Yozara yanked one of the ankors off of the building, hurling it towards Megron. The chain wrapped around him binding him in mid air, and she jerked it towards her to reel him in like a fish. She sent a flamming punch that knocked his head off of his shoulders sending it landing before Oglars feet. "I got one!", Yozara shouted to the elder. Oglar makes a run for it towards the rooftop, and she ran after him.
During this time the drunken officer stumbled, and tried to pick up his hand gun from the ground. A foot stepped on his gun stopping him, and he looked up to see whos it was. "You've seen nothing tonight Officer Garcia. Stay out of Red webs night life, especially during full moon nights.", the elder warned. "H-How do you know my name"?, Officer Garcia nervously asked. The elder suddenly disappeared back into the shadows above with a leap, and Officer Garcia called out to his wife to find her. Foot steps thump harder than the club music in this hot rooftop pursuit. The elder finally caught up to his apprentice Yozara, who stood without her full armor upon the head of a gargoyal looking down towards the dark water of Red webs river bank. "I lost him", Yozara said disappointed. Mission failed. "That was suppose to be a clean hunt young one", the elder rebuked. "Who were they? W-what clan did they belong to"?, Yozara asked. Their head Oglar's just a successor of Drakush from the Golden swords clan", Elder informed. "Golden swords? Are'nt they the head clan of the thirteen clans?", she asked. "Yes. Very good, I see you've been doing your homework", he replied. "Do you think we'll catch more of them tonight"?, Yozara asked. "Hmm. It's hard to tell. I'm surprised to have only seen three since they usually travel in sets of six", he informed. Elder lead the way, leaping from roof top to roof top when an incoming radio transmission alerted him. "Base to elder! We have a code 360 in the districts parking lot mall. Operators will be waiting for your presence on stand by", the transmission reported. "What's a code 360?", Yozara asked. "There's a assembly of my elite hunters nearby. There may be another sweep this first full moon night. This will be your opportunity to observe how us experianced hunters take down a clan with precision", he answered. "Should I suit up?", Yozara asked. She placed her right palm on her chest once more."Not yet. Your armor is a Z class like none other I've ever seen, and though you have'nt evolved yet you may be the best the agencys got. It may be best to unleash you when we're up against any masters like Drakush, because as I've seen you're just too powerful for their servants", he replied. " I am at a Masters level?" she asked herself. "We'll meet one tonight for sure", the elder informed.
The two leaped towards the next roof top sliding across a fixture from a construction site. A flare was shot into the air a mile away from them. "That's for us. Now follow me", the elder commanded. The two sprinted towards it until they've finally approached the districts mall. Beside it stood a nine level parking lot, and below stood two parallel parked armored tanks. As they drew closer, a white uniformed woman stepped out of one of them waving towards the two. "That's Ezral, our eye in the sky. So when you're sent out on missions, she will be the one reporting any incomings in your radius", the elder informed. As they approached the tanks, four more hunters stepped out greeting the two. "This is my Alpha shock team", the elder informed. "It's a pleasure to meet you Yozara", Ezral said with a smile. "Elzaru, Renquel, Vespinir, and Zenabrio, meet Yozara", the elder said. They were young like Yozara, and the team was dressed in white agency uniforms. Each had a unique hairstyle, and color to match their personality. Elzaru had a green mohawk that hung to the side, while Renquel was a spikey red head with a fade. Vespinir was a short curly haired blondie, and Zenabrio had black shoulder length hair with a white stripe on the side which he covered with his hood. "Cool arm! Where'd you find her Elder?", Zenabrio asked. "More like she found me", the elder replied.
"To make a long story short, Yozaras an orphan who found her long lost uncle, and she was blessed with the Spirit Armor the moment I layed hands on her", elder informed. "But there's more... she's has a Z class armor like none other I've ever seen before", the elder informed. "A Z class?, That means she can take down the Golden Swords all on her own if she wanted to, why assemble us for the sweep?", Renquel asked. "I want her to see how we work as a team first, since she has been chosen to be a special operator", the elder informed. "All four, except Ezral are in their first stage armors like yourself Yozara", the elder informed. "Ezral has been in the agency with me since mission one, so her armor has also reached its seventh stage of evolution", he continued. "How does ones armor evolve elder sir?", Yozara asked. "Just like anything else evolves Yozara, With time. With enough battles under your belt, you will grow stronger, and so will your armor", Ezral informed. A beep sounded within the tank. A presence is detected up ahead. Ezral urgently jumped back in to view the radar, and she gasped. Elder noticed her facial expression of confusion. "Ezral! What is it?", he asked. "It's a swarm", Ezral reported. "A swarm?" Yozara asked. "That's when more than two clans are assembled", Renquel informed. "Listen up team! We're going to need Sky patrol for back up", Elder informed. "I'm already on it", Ezral reported. "Alpha shock to Sky patrol! We have a code 100 north of our coordinates", Ezral dispatched. "Sky patrol to Alpha shock! We're already three miles away. Stand by for reinforcements.", Sky patrol responded. A tremor shook the ground from about a mile away. The sound of a thousand troops marching for blood. It's uncommon for them to assemble in such great numbers, so this full moon may be significant to them. They're taking a big risk knowing they could be seen by the agencys eye in the sky, and sweeped by the Z class teams. It could possibly be a distraction. Perhaps a set up to see exactly how many Z hunters the agency can send out, but what they don't know is that there's a new secret weapon. One that has the unlimited potential to wipe them all out, or maybe they do. If so, they're provoking their own annihalation.
The sky screeched from the Z hunters, and the reinforcements arrived within a matter of minutes. As the tanks approached the frontlines the clans roared in one accord preparing for a war. A war they can't possibly win. They looked up as if sensing the incoming stealth hunters locking on to them to strike. The swarm consisted of the lower body of the thirteen. The Crimson dragon foot clan, the masked monsters clan, and the Red web scorpions marched forth lead by an unknown Master. In the wink of an eye, the hunters of the sky dived in unleashing their light missiles, scattering hundreds of vampires in the sweep. A set of vampires tried to blow them out of the sky using old fashion cannons, but the Z class were too fast. The two tanks were surrounded, and that's when the Alpha shock team hopped out preparing for a Melee like none they've experianced. As they looked up towards the sky with their right palms upon their breasts, they cried out in one accord. "I put on my Full Armor!, to fight the good fight for the light!", they cried. All of a sudden beams of light were shot down upon them shielding them with their heaven sent armors, and they all stood in their unique fighting stance. "Alpha Shock!", the team shouted in one accord.
A set of heavily armored scorpions striked first, and were slashed in halves by Elders forearm blades in four swift moves. Renquel dove into a frontline of Masked monsters, taking out a dozen with his helmet cannons. Vespinir threw two boomerang disks from his armors holster, and they spinned passed a band of Crimson horseman. As the disks returned to Vespinir, the horses toppled over, for their legs were instantly decapitated. Elzaru shot out spiked orbs from his armors chest cavity, and Zenabrio swung a great club that knocked each orb into the swarm. As soon as the orbs landed, they exploaded sending vampire parts flying into the air. Yozara, and Ezral both dove into the swarm hacking, and slashing through the clans with their forearm blades. It was a thousand versus 24, and the seventeen reinforcements were bombing them by the dozens. The unknown master realized who was the toughest, and fastest from Alpha shock, so he ordered the clan to pile up on Yozara.
When Yozara became overwhelmed by the dozens attacking her from all angles, something unexpected happened that would change the course of this battle. "Elder!, they're trampling on Yozara. We need to save her.", Ezral shouted. The elder looked at the clock tower nearby, and held Ezral back. "No Ezral, just give it a minute. Watch what's about to happen", he commanded. The vampires were piled on top of her trying to crack open her armor like a walnut, until a sudden burst of energy blasts them back. Yozaras armor transfigured, and it became metallic red as its structure grew stronger. She cried out as if in labor pain, and she doubled in size. The unknown master cloaked with a black hooded cape focused his eyes towards her from a distance. "Leave her to me!", he commanded as he took off his hood. The clans retreated, and cleared a path for the master to walked through towards Yozara. "It's Hezrok!" Ezral shouted. "Hezrok?", Zenabrio asked. "He's an old master who was destroyed long ago", Elder informed. "Well it looks like a hunter did'nt confirm his kill", Renquel commented. "How could she have evolved so soon?", Ezral asked. "It appears she's been forced to evolve for the sake of taking down the swarm", Elder replied. "I feel so strange", Yozara said to herself as she looked at her glowing hands. " I feel much stronger. These hundreds are like rubber chickens to me", she said as she descended to the ground. Hezrok pulled off his cape revealing his metallic black spiked armor, and he had a bald white head with a red striped war paint across his black eyes.
"Your newly evolved stage is still no match for me!", Hezrok shouted. "Whatever your name is does'nt matter, because where your going you'll be burned like the rest", Yozara replied. "Hezrok's the name, and it will be the last name you hear", Hezrok threatened. Hezrok leaped towards Yozara with a hammer kick, but she rolled out of the way grabbing two masked monsters, and hurling them like toys at him. She missed, and Hezrok runs toward Yozara to strike again. Yozara shot two grappling claws from her forearms, and their chains wrapped around Hezroks feet tripping him to the ground. She manipulated the chains, and hung Hezrok upside down before her, and she stood with her arms crossed. "Are you all joking? You call this a... master?", Yozara ridiculed. Hezrok roared in anger swinging punches towards her but kept missing. She hurled him into the remaining hundreds of clan members, and she leaped into the clouds hidden from everyones sight. As Hezrok leaped back up to his feet, he looked up shaking his fist.
"Come down here you coward, and let's finish this!", Hezrok taunted. A loud voice responded shaking the grounds from above. "Do you really want me to do that?", Yozara said from far. In the twinkle of a star, something like a meteor in the sky shot downward. "She can send a meteor shower?", Zenabrio asked. "That's no meteor", Ezral replied. "Everyone in the tanks!!", Elder commanded. Within a split second, as the team ran for saftey, a blast leveled a four block radius. A mile of destruction waved from the sudden crash. Somehow Yozara had sent forth a gigantic helmet replica from her first armor. Smoke ascended from the huge crater, and she had licked the swarm with fire from the helmet. "Is it safe to come out now", Vespinir asked. Ezral checked her radar, but her system was down. The elder leaped out of the tank, and tried to look around the thick black smoke of the blast. "Yozara!?, That was suppose to be a clean sweep young one.", he shouted.
Yozara stepped out of the thick smoke, and approached the tanks. "Are you crazy? You could of took us out as well!", Elzaru shouted. As Yozara took another step she fell to the ground as if weakened from the attack. The sound of a heart monitor bleeped a slow pace as they observed her in a medical chamber. She stood unconscience in the agencys rehabilitation center.

[Red_web_city]

Tree house guardian
By Ralph Galloza

Just to think, it all began with a gigantic tree, One that inspired a people to build a city around it holding population of three million citizens. This tree was so great that the governors could'nt even build a tower a quarter of its size. It stood on the hill of Euora with a tunnel beneath, perfect for the citys sewer system. As time passed, this peaceful city soon grew corrupt with crime as outsiders crept in unnoticed robbing, killing, and raping its citizens in the night. A curfue was enforced. The city soon called their bravest to patrol the night as policeman, but it was'nt enough. As the murder rate increased, the innocent blood cried out for justice as the earth drank of it, and something mysterious happened that caused many wicked men to fear for their lives. Fiery arrows were shot down from the tree, wiping out legions of invaders. Strange things like swarms of foot long armored bees came down stinging the murderers, and enormous pine cones were hurled like bombs from the tree, destroying their hide outs crushing them. No one knew who, or what was doing this but many rumors, and fables spread throughout the city, and its citizens grew strong in faith for their cries were heard.
There is one who abode on this tree top, and though it appeared that the tree itself was fighting back, the people will soon discover the truth about the tree house guardian. High above near the clouds stood a skillfully crafted house built within the grandfather tree. Someone of forest green eyes peeped through the lense of a crystal telescope which poked out of a rotating star shaped window, looking down toward the city streets. As the window encircled around the tree house, there he stood on the telescopes saddle going around with it. Something from below alerted him, for he urgently leaped off the saddle stopping the counter clock rotation of the window. "That is her, is'nt it? The girl from my dream", he said to himself. Surrounded by all sorts of strange looking weapons, he stood by a door which said "Node", and pulled a stick bug out of the white silk pouch tied to his hemp woven belt. He carefully placed the stick bug by the key hole of the door, and the insect manuvered its body in the key hole until the lock clicked open. As the door creeked open he grabbed the bug placing it back in the pouch, and stepped within what appeared to be a master bedroom. Within had wall to wall gold, with scriptures written engraved from corner to corner, and a bed like a caterpillars cacoon. He quickly grabbed something like a golden ring from inside his cacoon bed, and ran out of the room slamming the door behind him.
" Now now Node, take it easy, she's as delicate as a dandelion; so try not to blow her away", he said to himself. As he took another peak in his telescope, he pulled back a lever on the wall that opened the roof top of his house, and a 6 foot mechanical wooden spider came down hanging from string like webbing. He leaped on top of it, and it rose back up onto a branch of the tree top where a circular symbol was carved into the tree. The symbol had an imprint of his hand, and he placed his right hand on it pressing his palm into the wood. At that moment the circle illuminated with a bright green light, and he disappeared in thin air, as if he'd been teleported. Below in the city within a park stood a small tree that had the same circular symbol glowing on its bark. In the midst of this crowded park, one mysterious hooded man walked unnoticed as if blending into the crowd. As he rapidly walked out of the park, his hand stood in his hooded sweaters pocket like he was hiding something. A beautiful young lady was walking into a nearby art gallery, and he walked in right after as if he was following her. She passed by the displays of painted portraits on the wall, and stopped by one that had a great tree with a city built around it. As she gazed upon it, he stepped up beside her, and his eyes were on her. The true masterpiece. "It's beautiful is'nt it?", he asked. "Indeed, it has been inspired by our citys guardian tree", she replied. " Citys guardian tree?", he asked. "Yes, have you not heard that this city is protected by the grandfather tree?, she replied. "How is everyone so sure it's the tree that defends them?", he replied. "Well, some say that the spirits of the murdered citizens abide in the tree, while others say the spirit of the tree avenges their blood", she replied. "If they'd only knew", he replied in a low voice. "Huh?, you know something, don't you?", she asked suspiciously. "I- I have to go", he replied nervously. "Wait! Tell me what's do you know?", she asked grabbing his sleeve. As he pulled away from her, his hand accidently came out of his pocket, and the circular symbol on the tree bark glowed brightly on his palm.
She quickly noticed it, and gasped at the sight of it. "Thats the symbol engraved on the grandfather tree! Are you some kind of angel or something?", she asked. As someone approached the painting, he discreetly pulled her to the side as if to tell her something. "You must not tell anyone of what you've just seen, for the less they know the better", he pleaded. "Ok, but who are you, and what is that symbol about?", she asked. "My name's Node, and I'm the treehouse guardian. This is my birthright symbol, and I came down to seek your face, for I've seen you in a dream once", he informed. "Well nice to meet you Node, I'm Ella, and I've always dreamed of seeing a castle up there", she replied. "I don't have a castle Ella, but rather a hand crafted house passed down from generation to generation", he informed. "I do wish to know you more, that I may potentially have your hand in marriage", Node said. "Marriage? I couldn't settle down even if I wanted to, I just started a college for art, and design", she replied. "Perhaps I am going ahead of myself, but I need offspring to continue this cities guardianship", he said.
" Oh yea you're going waaay ahead of yourself stranger, besides, I just met you so this sounds all too overwhelming for me right now", she replied. Node turned his head away, and put his hand back in his pocket taking out a golden ring. "Maybe my dreams decieved me, or I should of never came here", he said sadly. "How are you so sure it was me you've seen, and how could a city of 3 million girls only have one destined to be the mother of this cities future guardians?", she said sarcastically. As he walked away, he dropped the ring to the ground, and it rolled hitting her foot. "Sorry, wish you all the luck", Ella said. She then noticed the ring on the ground, and picked it up holding it up to the light. On it was engraved mysterious words in an unknown language. "Wait! You dropped your...ring", Ella shouted. Node had already blended in with the museum crowd disappearing out of the gallery.
That night Ella stood by her bedside looking out of her window, where she had a view of the tree by the full moon light. It was as if she wondered about him as she held the golden ring in her hand. Her white cat jumped on her bed purring, and Ella picked him up to cradle him. "Just imagine Cotton ball, a young man living all alone in that tree. I mean he must have family or friends that visit him right?", she said to her cat. Cotton ball meowed, and purred some more in response. "Why me", she said lowly to herself. "Why...Me...", she slowly repeated, drifting off to sleep.

[Red_web_city]

Ok ante lol you really had me laughing. Back to the drawing bored. Ok so you have pointers but 'im still keeping the concept... city around big tree could of meant mini people like gullivers travel. Use your imagination. And no he's not sexist
A bit savage but not sexist...anyway you're right
180° degree turn

[Davidizer13]

city around big tree could of meant mini people like gullivers travel. Use your imagination.

Brilliant idea: How about you make this clear in the story instead of forcing people to wait for you to explain everything that happened in the story in a follow-up post because you did such a crappy job of explaining it in the first go-round? Better yet, how about you actually buckle down and become a better writer instead of taunting us to use our imaginations to fill in something that you've barely imagined yourself?

I don't think you understand what's really being said in these threads. You've got your head lodged so far up your rectum that you truly believe you're your own best critic, be it judging your plot, your grammar and spelling, your characters, your attitudes... You say you're getting better and that you're accepting people's points, but you're misunderstanding them so badly that I think it's deliberate - you're not taking criticism, you're tap dancing around it, if you even understand it in the first place. You are stuck in your own the cognitive biases that keep you believing your own praise for yourself.

Let me explain: You want to see yourself as a good writer, and so you've convinced yourself of that regardless of the facts. You think your writing is worthy of being published and people paying money to read it and make movies out of it, but you're too poor of a writer to realize that you're not anywhere near that good. Nothing is going to change until you realize you're stuck in this hole - you'll never get better, and you'll certainly never go anywhere with it.

I seriously believe you should apologize to Ante, because you've completely wasted the time they put into their criticism of your work by jamming your fingers in your ears and ignoring it.

Quit writing and go read a book already. Did a book run over your dog or something? I don't get why you're so resistant to just sitting down and enjoying a good book.

[Red_web_city]

head up my rectum? Book run over my dog? You're corny as hell, and not even funny. You know you won't talk to me like that to my face, so your best bet is to keep trying to be funny online. Ps. I'm going to make you eat your words, and choke. Take it not as a prophesy but a promise.

[Red_web_city]

You've gone from criticizing my work (ok fine) but now you disrespecting
... you'd get swiped like a metrocard before me

[Davidizer13]

Tell me you won't respond with death threats when someone gives you a two-star review on Amazon. Your publicist wouldn't appreciate that very much.

You've proved my point for me - you've refused to truly address the extensive criticism that's been made on your story, and instead you have to say you're going to harm the people responsible for it because you can't answer any of their objections.

[Xeno]

what is a metrocard? is that a windows 8 thing? i guess that would make sense because the code in windows 8 is as poorly written as this story.

[Xeno]

(ps: i didnt read youre story)

[mechana2015]

It's not that I can't take critism, but when someone says I have my head up my rectum then it's going beyond just criticizing the story but you're taking it to another level. I never made a death threat so read more carefully as to not confuse my "what I would dos" for "what I'm going to do". Depending on how you said it before me will determine my response. If you were trying to be funny, know that I'm dead serious in this. I'm going to get this published the momenta fewcan honestly say it's readable. Trying to explain my imagination on writing is not easy but I can read it so who cares... i do appreciate the tough criticism, just makes me go back to see where I up

[Red_web_city]

Ps. I don't hate anyone or wish anyone harm, but I don't know you Davidizer for you to talk to me likewe're cool like that. I can trust Ante in that Ante gave me the best honest advice ever in CAA. Along with a few others. You tried but started getting stupid

[DaughterOfZion]

Ok ante lol you really had me laughing. Back to the drawing bored. Ok so you have pointers but 'im still keeping the concept... city around big tree could of meant mini people like gullivers travel. Use your imagination. And no he's not sexist
A bit savage but not sexist...anyway you're right
180° degree turn

Ante doesn't have to use Ante's imagination, and neither does anyone else. There's this little thing called suspension of disbelief, read up on it. You can only stretch the facts about our universe so far before they snap back into your face and make you look ridiculous. That is, when writing you can break all the laws of the universe or make things as fantastical as you want, but you can only go so far before your reader throws up their arms and says "This is stupid!" and tosses the book in the trash. You hacked up suspension of disbelief's poor, fragile body into tiny pieces with an ax three stories ago.

[Red_web_city]

Ahh I see I was blinded. Ok, will go read quietly now. You shut me up so brb when I can write something believeable... later

[Davidizer13]

Ps. I don't hate anyone or wish anyone harm, but I don't know you Davidizer for you to talk to me likewe're cool like that.

No probalo. Now that we've gotten this little imbroglio out of the way, does that mean you'll actually crack open a book and learn how to write?

I can trust Ante in that Ante gave me the best honest advice ever in CAA. Along with a few others. You tried but started getting stupid

Hey, at least "getting stupid" finally got a reaction out of you besides your normal routine of ignoring or minimizing anyone who gives you anything besides praise. (Which has been pretty much nobody, up to this point.)

Speaking of which, do you have a plan for what you're going to do with said criticism? If you want to get this thing in print then you'll have to work a million times harder to make this better than the hideous snarl of plot holes it is now. What are you going to do to make this work better? Read a book on character development? Read a book on building a plot? Read a book on how the publishing industry works? Read a book on proper grammar and style? Go to the library and join a writers' circle? Or maybe read a novel or two to get a feel for what you like in literature?